by L. K. Gandy
“Can I interest either of you in dessert? We have a caramel turtle cheesecake that’s amazing, a chocolate mousse cake, warm apple pie, or lemon pound cake.” My eyes light up at the mention of anything caramel. I’m sold before he even finished his list.
“I’ll take the cheesecake please,” I say with a smile.
“I’m fine thank you. I’ll just have a bite of hers.”
“The hell you will, you might lose a finger trying!” My straight face tells him I mean business, and he quickly changes his mind.
“On second thought, I’ll take a piece of that too. Thank you.”
“Wise choice.”
“Yeah, I figured I need those fingers for later, so really it’s a win for both of us,” he says with a devilish grin.
“How do you do that?”
“Do what?”
“Turn everything, even delicious cheesecake, into something sexual,” I explain.
“What can I say,” Jaxx shrugs his shoulders, “it’s a gift. Don’t fight it.”
After I finish my dessert and Jaxx gets a box for the rest of his, we pay and head to the door. The storm hasn’t let up any and we make a run for the car when the valet drives it to the front of the building. He tips the man before sliding into the driver’s seat, soaking wet since he gave me the umbrella. Slowly we make our way from the parking lot to an intersection. Stopping at the red light I grab his hand.
“Thank you for dinner. It really hit the spot.”
“That’s not the only thing that’s going to be hitting the spot,” he says wagging his eyebrows at me with a ridiculous smile on his face.
“Here we go again. I really need to think before I speak. I should have learned by now.”
“You know, I’m surprised you haven’t. I think you secretly like all of my innuendos and just tease me so I don’t find out.”
“Yeah, that’s it,” I say rolling my eyes. Jaxx and I have been so blessed in our relationship together. Especially in this pregnancy. I didn’t have morning sickness or too many severe mood swings, lucky for him. There were a few times I started crying randomly and he was a little worried then, but we laughed together, and it’s nice to have those memories.
“So many things are going to change in a few weeks Sawyer. Does it worry you?”
Looking over at Jaxx I can tell by the look on his face that he’s trying to prepare himself for my answer. “Why would I be worried? I know it’ll be hard, on both of us, but we’ll get through it. We just need to work together and remember that we’re a team.” I squeeze his hand for reassurance. I know we’ll be all right. He’s always been amazing and imagining him with our little boy brings the biggest smile to my face. “Ouch, that hurt.”
“You alright babe?” Jaxx looks worried.
“Yeah. He got a rib,” I grit out. Little bastard, he’s already grounded, and he’s not even born yet.
“I’m surprised he’s moving, he hasn’t been lately.”
“That’s because he has no room in there. I’m ready to be comfortable again,” I complain trying to wiggle around in my seat. Jaxx turns up the radio, and it’s one of my favorite songs, Never Let Me Go by Florence + the Machine. I’m lost in the haunting lyrics staring out the window. I don’t know how it’s possible but the rain seems to be falling harder now. Lightning flashes rhythmically across the sky creating a strobe light effect, and I watch as trails of water race across the glass. I’ve always loved watching them, trying to guess which ones would merge together making one big stream of water. Even with the radio turned up I can hear the booming claps of thunder. The curtain of darkness outside is consuming, and I’m on the verge of falling asleep. I know we’re close to home from the stoplights coming up in the distance.
“You know I love you right?” His voice penetrated the air, shocking me out of my daze. Jaxx uses his thumb to draw circles on the side of my finger. I’ve always loved when he does that. “I’m never letting you go Sawyer.”
“You know I love you more, right?” I say sarcastically looking up at him. He laughs at me, and I see his smile with help from the lightning just before driving under the green light. Still smiling I look over his shoulder and notice the blurry glow of headlights, but they don’t seem to be stopping. My eyes grow wide in realization; it’s not going to stop. I’m frozen with fear, and the world begins moving in slow motion. My mouth opens, but I can’t say anything. Jaxx must sense something is wrong in that last second because he looks over at me with a smile still on his face, and I watch in horror as a truck barrels into his side of the car. The sound of metal crushing pierces my ears. Glass shatters and is thrown throughout the car. My seatbelt digs into my skin from my collarbone to my stomach. And the last thing I remember is the blood curdling scream coming from my mouth as I scream his name before my world goes black.
THE SOUND OF BEEPING SLOWLY becomes less hazy. I’ve heard these machines before I think. Maybe in a hospital. Is that where I am? How did I get here? My eyelids feel like they’re glued shut. I try to open them but the substantial weight of them is too much, so I’m forced to just listen instead. Voices come into play, and I try to focus on one at a time. I hear Charlee first. She’s talking to someone that I think is a doctor. Did she say coma? That can’t be right. I listen for another voice, but come up short. I try to focus harder and succeed. I hear faint whispering in the opposite corner. It’s two people, one male and the other is a female. The man seems to be controlling the conversation…I know that harsh, demeaning voice. He’s been controlling my whole life, why should he stop now even when, or if, I’m in a hospital bed. He has to be talking down to my mother, the poor thing. I try to open my eyes again, and get a little further this time.
My body feels heavy, but I don’t try to move it. Instead I try my fingers and they jerk with my sudden commands. The beeping continues. I try to swallow but my throat feels like an empty tomb filled with dusty mothballs- dry and chalky. I attempt to open my eyes again and this time it works; it’s half-assed but it works. The room slowly comes in and out of focus, and my fear is confirmed. I’m in a hospital. Please don’t let them have put me in a hideous ass-less gown. That’s probably the last thing I should be worrying about but hell, nobody wants to see that mess. I don’t even like looking at my own butt why would I want to be tortured to look at another person’s ass. I try swallowing again, but it’s still chalky. My parents are gone, probably to get coffee. My dad can’t live without it; even if it is cheap ass hospital coffee. I see Charlee’s bags in a chair near the bed, and I figure she must have stayed all night. My fingers are moving better now. There’s more of a fluid movement to them now which feels better on my muscles.
I move my neck as much as I can to look down at my bed. SHIT. That hurts. I must have hit my head on something. When I finally look at the bed I see a white blanket covering my legs. Naturally, as a woman, I wonder if I shaved my legs. I know I’m engaged and the size of a whale, but that doesn’t mean if a hot doctor comes to check on me that he won’t see my legs. Please let me have shaved them. I try to remember but come up blank. Strange. I try to think of the last thing I remember, and it takes an excruciatingly long time. Chicken parmesan. That’s what I remember. Jaxx and I were out to dinner as our last date before the baby arrived. I rack my brain trying to come up with more but it hurts. Why can’t I remember? What the hell is happening? My eyes dart back and forth around the room looking for Jaxx, any sign that he’s been in here, but come up empty-handed. Something’s not right. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach…my stomach. I look back down at my blanket, horrified. Where is my baby belly? I see a small one, but it doesn’t belong to me. Maybe when I was around twenty weeks, but certainly not thirty-six weeks. Something is horribly wrong. I grip the bed. The beeping pace on the monitor begins to race as my heart rate starts picking up, catching the attention of the doctor who is rushing to my side now.
“Sawyer? Are you alright? How long have you been awake? Does your head hurt?” That’s too many question
s from a man I only want one answer from. Where are Jaxx and my baby? I attempt to motion toward my throat, failing miserably, but Charlee knows exactly what I’m trying to say and is by my side quickly with a cup of water, placing the straw into my mouth. Her empty eyes tell me my worst fear. Something happened.
“Sawyer, it’s me honey. Do you feel alright?” Charlee squeezes my hand as softly as she can. I know she doesn’t mean to hurt me, but the IV pinches my hand a little. I nod my head.
“Jaxx,” I manage to moan. I attempt to swallow again, wincing at the struggle.
“Everything will be alright sweetheart, I’m here,” Charlee chokes out. She’s holding back tears, and it worries me, if that’s even possible. Charlee doesn’t cry.
“Where is he?” I place my hand on my stomach that’s entirely too small. “My baby?” She lets go of my hand to wipe the tears that are flowing freely down her face now.
“Charlee. Where is he?” My voice is getting stronger, and so is my temper. I want to know what’s going on, and I’ll be damned if someone isn’t going to tell me right now.
“Sawyer, my name is Dr. Monroe. Do you feel alright? I can get you some more pain meds if you need them,” the doctor interrupts trying to get my mind off of the situation.
“I’m fine.” I slowly shift in my bed so I’m able to sit upright, able to look people straight in the eyes.
“I’m going to find your parents. They’ll want to know you’re awake.” Charlee flees the room wiping her face. I know she’s bluffing; they won’t care. She just doesn’t want to be here right now. I guess I can’t blame her though.
“Tell me what you remember Sawyer,” the doctor questions. He’s an older man, with silver streaks starting to peek through his mousy brown hair. Dark rimmed glasses block most of the wrinkles around the corners of his brown eyes but they’re still visible. He’s broken his nose before, it’s apparent from the slight bend in it. I roll my head on the pillow so I’m facing away from him, staring at the wall. My eyes glaze over again, and I try to rack my mind for any memories I can find.
“Chicken parmesan…Jaxx was wearing a suit. We went to my favorite restaurant.” It’s coming back to me slowly now. I blink trying to focus again. “It was storming pretty badly and there was rain…a lot of rain. One of my favorite songs was on the radio.” I motion for the cup of water again and suck down the rest of it after he hands it to me. “We were headed home…we were almost there.”
“That’s good Sawyer, you’re doing great. Is there anything else? Anything after that?”
“Water was running across my window. I watched it for a while.” I blink my still heavy eyes. “Jaxx told me he loved me, and then…there were lights, two of them. They weren’t stopping. Oh God,” I choke as the sudden intake of air invades my throat. “There was a crash!” My voice is getting even stronger, and I’m able to get my point across with more volume. “Where are they? Why isn’t he in here?” I’m shouting now. My body is shaking, and I can feel my heart pounding in my chest. I think I’m having an anxiety attack
“Sawyer, I need you to calm down. Steady your breathing, in and out.” I close my eyes and try to follow his steps. It helps but only slightly. “You’re right, there was a crash. The other driver…he didn’t make it. He was under the influence when he hit you. He ran the red light, and from the police report it doesn’t seem like he even made an attempt to stop.” Dr. Monroe rubs the back of his head with both of his hands. “This is the worst part of my job, Sawyer, but I have to take the good with the bad,” he says. I’m confused, he hasn’t said anything about Jaxx or the baby. I rub my belly at the thought of it. “Sawyer, you’ve been in this room for eight days. We had to perform an emergency c-section, the baby was in too much stress from the accident. You had swelling in your brain that wasn’t subsiding, and we had to put you into a medically induced coma to see if that would help. We were starting to worry that you weren’t going to wake up.”
“You’re not answering my questions.” It wasn’t a question, it was a fact. His eyes quickly fleet to the hands he’s wringing together in his lap-the guilt on his face is apparent.
“I’m, uh, I’m sorry Sawyer. They didn’t make it.”
I SENSE CHARLEE’S ARMS AROUND me, and her body is raking with sobs. I feel numb. I know there are people talking around me, and about me, but their voices are drowned out like I’m in a fish bowl, swimming five feet under water. My eyes lose all focus, and my body shuts down into a state of hibernation. Panic sets in, and it feels like the earth is spinning faster than normal but there aren’t any handle bars nearby to help steady myself.
I feel like an empty shell, void of any other feelings apart from pain and sorrow. How do you explain the feeling of being completely empty…blank…hollow? I stare at the ceiling for what could be minutes, or could be days. I’m not quite sure. Nurses have been in and out of this room. I think they were nurses. I don’t remember their faces. Only blurs of people busying themselves with work while the world around me is crumbling. Life as I know it is completely gone. Things will never be the same. I will never be the same. How can I be? Parts of me have died, and they will never be resurrected.
My head hurts. Seems to be fitting since everything else hurts, too. I faintly feel moisture around my eyes, but I don’t remember crying. I make no attempt to dry them. There’s really no point. I don’t remember anything before those words. “They’re gone.” It doesn’t sink in at first. Never really does I guess. I understand but don’t comprehend them. My mind tries to protect my heart by denying those horrifying words. An instinct I think may date back to early times. A form of survival, if you will.
I’m sore from the lack of movement my body has made. I know I should try; it might relieve the stiffness in my muscles. But I don’t, I have no will to even begin to move. The days keep coming without fail, and I’m still not sure how long I’ve been here. Charlee has taken over for the nurses, getting me out of bed and pulling me into the shower. I stand silently while she scrubs my body until it’s clean under the hot water. A warm towel dries my skin, and I’m forced into a pair of loose fitting jeans after a white shirt has been placed over my head and my arms pulled through. This outfit reminds me of a clean slate, but I don’t want one. I want my old slate back. Why am I wearing these? You don’t wear these in the hospital. She runs a brush through my hair and braids it low on the back of my neck while we stand in front of the mirror. I close my eyes. I can’t look at the person who is looking back at me. I don’t recognize her. Her eyes are bloodshot, and her skin is almost a pale green.
I slowly turn my head to look at Charlee who is now talking to the doctor. I hear something about going home and medication, but I tune out shortly after. My parents are standing in the doorway, but they can’t even look at me. Not that I care. I don’t care if anyone looks at me ever again. I find it strange that they aren’t embracing each other though. Isn’t that what parents do when their child has gone through a tragedy? Although I have felt their compassion for one another slipping since Jaxx and I graduated. They seem to have differing opinions of what we should do, and how we should live. I think it’s driven a wedge between them. That’s another thing I don’t even want to begin to think about, though. I just want to be numb. Numb is good. It’s acceptable and appreciated at this point in my life.
I’m being ushered out of the room by Charlee now. She has a bag over her shoulder, and she’s got her arms around me, helping me walk down the hallway. Hospitals freak me out. Healthy, happy people don’t come here, especially by choice. Death lives here. Despair, heartbreak, and raw emotional turmoil are in the next room. They’re permanent residents, and ones I don’t want as a roommate.
A seatbelt is pulled in front of my body and secured by my hip after I get into the car. Charlee backs out of the parking space and I focus on my surroundings outside the window as she slowly turns the music up to where it’s barely audible. I think my silence is starting to wear her down, but I don’t really care. I
know that’s selfish of me, not to care about my best friend’s feelings, but I don’t have it in me to care about anyone else right now. My mind returns to its previous numb state, and my eyes lose focus. I watch the lines on the highway fly by, one by one, until they eventually become a single blur. My eyes hurt. I switch my gaze to the tree line, but that only results in a mass of green as far as I can see. Before I know it we are stopped in my driveway, and I’m being helped out of the car, through the doorway, and into my bedroom.
I stop dead in my tracks. I can’t stay in this room. It holds too many memories of Jaxx. Wonderful, amazing, loving memories of the man that I will never have again. I feel my body shaking, and Charlee seems to notice it as well because she’s wrapped a blanket around my shoulders and turned me around to walk into the living room. The couch should be fine. To be honest, this whole damn house holds too many memories. I feel like I’m drowning, but I know I will eventually have to face these emotions, so I let her. She leaves me alone for a few minutes and I hear her rifling through cabinets, and turning on the water faucet. A whistle eventually goes off, and I know she’s making tea because she thinks it will calm me. I don’t want to tell her that the likelihood of that is slim, so I just watch as she places the mug on a coaster that sits on top of my antique trunk I use as a coffee table.
I don’t understand it. I would give everything for even a fleeting moment of understanding. To understand why this happened, because none of it makes sense. To understand why I lost everything I’ve held dear. I still see his face when I close my eyes. Maybe one day I’ll understand why, but it won’t be today. I can’t connect the dots, they’re all damaged. I’m damaged. We were so perfect, so happy. I sit here under the blanket shaking with all the memories of the accident, trying to rid my mind of the horrifying sounds that still ring in my ears. The squeal of the brakes as they lock up on the wet pavement. The crunch of metal as the vehicles collide and glass shattering.