by L. K. Gandy
I can feel it rising to the surface, the blood beginning to boil in my veins. The agony seeping from my skin. My eyes glaze over as I stare into the void of my living room. I have nothing. It’s all gone, everything I’ve ever invested my love and life in. Gone. I try to swallow and my throat feels constricted. I attempt to find any truth in the lies my mind is telling me, but my soul knows that they’re not lies, and it’s the feeling is too raw for me to manage right now.
Charlee sits next to me holding out a cup of tea for me to take, but I don’t break from my daze so she sets it on the table. She shouldn’t have done that, it’s only going to grow cold there. I feel so tired, but I’m not sure if I really am or if my mind is exhausted from the trauma. I’ve lost things in my life before, possessions, material items, things that can be replaced. I can’t just replace what I’ve lost this time.
“What am I going to do?”
“I don’t know sweetheart,” Charlee says rubbing my knee through the blanket. “I really don’t know.” We sit there, motionless, holding one another for hours. I don’t want to move but I need to. “We should get you in bed. I can stay in there with you if you want me to.” I shake my head, I can’t have her do that. “Alright, but I’ll be just down the hall if you need me.”
Walking into my room I try not to look at anything in particular, only the soft beige carpet on the floor. My eyes are still glazed over, and my mind has basically shut down; it’s in hibernation. I’m not sure how I even made it here without bumping into a wall; memory I guess. Climbing into bed the covers knock over a picture frame on my bedside table. I squeeze my eyes shut, because I know whose faces I’ll see if I pick it up. I guess I enjoy being a martyr, because I do it anyway. Holding the frame I swallow hard and gaze at the two of us together. Jaxx has his arm around me, and he’s kissing my cheek. This pain in my chest is unbearable. I drag my hand down my face and hold it over my mouth as sobs escape me. They continue to grow and soon I’m huddled into a ball on the floor. I can’t handle this. Throwing the frame against the wall it shatters. That’s not good enough, and I rip the covers from the bed. Pillows are heaved across the room, and I smash the lamp from the bedside table onto the floor. The temporary release quickly washes away, and I’m left feeling hopeless again. This room, which is usually filled with love and laughter, is too quiet. I feel lost. I scream in agony at the top of my lungs, clutching the clothing on my body. It doesn’t help but I can’t stop now. Charlee runs into the room, shocked to see the mess that I’ve made. Rushing over to me she falls to the floor to cradle me in her arms. “Shhh,” she says stroking my hair. I rest my head on her chest and let her comfort me. She stays in bed with me while I drift off to sleep from exhaustion.
NORMALLY I TAKE TODAY OFF from work, just like I have every year since the accident, but this year I decided to take the week off. What the hell, I need it. There is something I need to do this morning before getting my day started. It came as a surprise to me when I got a text from Branson the day after Armie’s party asking if I wanted to join them on his birthday for a little fun. After the initial shock, and a little soul searching, I decide it is something I have to do. I need to try and move on as much as it hurts me to think about it. He’s never coming back and neither is my baby.
I try to visit his grave site as much as I can bear to, but lately it hasn’t been as frequent and the thought that I may be starting to forget him scares me. Driving out of town to the cemetery, I know exactly where to go, as if on somewhat of an autopilot setting. My mind always seems to shut down as soon as I park my truck but today I fight back the urge. I have some things that need to be addressed. Others might think it’s strange to talk to a stone, but it’s all I have left of him, and I find it therapeutic. His parents did a wonderful job picking it out. I think it’s the first time they’ve agreed on anything in quite a while. I still get chills when I read it, and I was grateful to his parents for including me. We’d been together for a long time and even though we didn’t spend much time with his parents, they were always welcoming toward me when we went to visit.
Jaxx H. Cooper
January 28, 1985 – July11, 2009
Beloved Son & Fiancé
I kneel in front of the stone and wipe the recently cut blades of grass from the base of the granite headstone. Placing the baby’s breath I brought with me on the middle of it, I chuckle to myself. If he knew I was putting those on his grave site he’d probably say something about men not wanting flowers, he’d rather have beer instead, but this is what I’ve always done and it makes me feel better knowing that I’m still teasing him in some way. I always told him I’d get that last laugh; he never believed me. I wish I was wrong in this case.
“It’s been a while since I’ve been out here, and I’m sorry for that,” I say sitting next to him, my eyes and my hand on the grass where he was lowered into the ground. “Work has been crazy lately, I haven’t had a day off in months. I know that sounds like a lame excuse. That’s all it is really, pitiful stories to make myself feel better. It’s so hard to come here and not actually see you sitting next to me.” I close my eyes trying to hold back the tears that are starting to form. “These past four years have been so difficult without you by my side. I never imagined you being part of my past; you were always my future, everything I wanted for the rest of my life. I guess you’re still part of my future because I’ll take pieces of you with me wherever I go, and I’ll treasure our memories together, but you’re gone Jaxx.” Tears fall freely from my eyes now. “I feel like I haven’t done anything with my life these past few years. I’ve been living in the safe confinements of my home and office, running back and forth between the two trying to busy myself and my mind so I don’t fall into a state of depression. Heartache has consumed me. I think a part of me feels too guilty to fathom the idea of trying to move on but the other part of me, small as it may be, says that it’s time. That I should hold on, but I’m losing faith…not only in myself, but in everything around me. I lost the only person I ever truly loved. I’ve met someone that I really care about, but I can’t help but feel like I’m cheating on you in some way. I know it’s stupid.” I shake my head. “But I do. We didn’t choose to break up and go our separate ways like some couples do, Jaxx. You were suddenly ripped from my life, and I still have some strange notion in my mind that we belong to each other, that I’m not supposed to be with anyone else. I’ve been falling apart without you, but I can only take so much. Until recently I haven’t even looked at another man; the idea seemed taboo and made me feel dirty. Branson is different though,” I say smiling. “The world felt like a burden after losing you, until I met him. He’s smart, caring and has an amazing little boy named Armie. I thought it would be harder for me to be around a child after losing ours; an excruciating pain like that, I will never get over, but he’s so witty and lively. He’s pretty funny too, reminds me of you sometimes. Branson is pretty handsome, too. Not Adam Levine sexy, but neither were you. I know you thought so.” I giggle at the memories. “But honestly babe, no one is that hot except him; let’s be honest. I think it’s time you got over yourself.” I weave my fingers through the short green blades of grass, randomly pulling one out at a time. The sound of it ripping in half soothes me, taking my mind off of what I’m about to say for a moment. I sit like this, busying myself without making a sound, for at least five more minutes. The light breeze blows through my hair, cooling me off just enough on this warm summer day. I can hear a bird singing a song in a nearby tree that brings me out of my daze.
“I always thought you were the one. I would have followed you anywhere, Jaxx.” Tears continue to fall from my eyes, marking trails down my cheeks. “I’m so sorry,” I say gasping for air as I can feel emotion building inside of me. “I wish there was something I could do, any way that I could bring you back to me. If I would have had the chance to warn you in some way, you have to know I would have done it in a heartbeat. I wish I could trade places with you both. I guess you can’t trade a l
ife for a life though- part of some master plan going on.” I grip the grass angrily in my hands, pulling the roots from the ground as my chest starts to heave in despair. “I need you to say something,” I scream, “anything. Let me know that it’s all right if I move on, that I can stop thinking that I’m betraying you when I picture him in my mind. The guilt is overwhelming. I don’t want to feel like I’m giving up on you, on us, but there has to be a time when I can move on. I can’t get the images of you dying out of my head. You’re gone, and I’m haunted by them. I close my eyes at night, and I see your blue eyes. I miss everything about you.” Sobs rack my body before a calming feeling suddenly washes over me with the wind. I’m able to breathe easier for some reason. Chills cover the top of my arm and shoulder, as if someone’s hand is there. Slowly opening my eyes, I smile because I know that in some way Jaxx is here with me, even if it’s only in my mind. “Thank you,” I whisper while rubbing the stone next to me. I know he’d never want to see my unhappy. “I will always love you. I’ll never let you go.” I make my way back to the truck so I can get ready for the day. I look back one last time. I’m glad I came.
It should be a fun day even with my emotional overload this morning, a trip to a petting zoo and bowling. Branson’s in for it because I’m a pretty damn good bowler and really competitive. I hear a knock at the door and grab my purse on the way out to meet him. I prepared for today, so hopefully he doesn’t get a glance into my purse, otherwise he’ll see the extra thong I hid in there. That’d be an interesting conversation though. I can just see it now.
“Sawyer, what are you doing with these in your purse?”
“Oh these old things? You know, just a precaution, since seeing your smile makes me want to cream my pants, no big deal.” Yeah, that’d go over well.
“Hey beautiful!”
I laugh and kneel down, giving Armie a hug. “Well aren’t you the little charmer, did your dad teach you that?” He nods his head cheerfully. “Then he taught you well! Happy official birthday handsome!” Looking up at Branson I can tell he’s happy from the smile plastered across his face.
“I think I’m going to start leaving him in the truck if he’s going to be using all of my lines, and be quicker than me at that,” he says flashing me his gorgeous smile. Seriously, I need to just stop wearing underwear. “He’s right though.” He leans in closer to whisper in my ear, “You do look beautiful. You ready to go?” He holds his hand out waiting for me, and I gladly take it, while Armie grabs his other one. The ride into the country takes less than half an hour, and I swear I’ve never been asked so many fucking questions in that short amount of time before in my life. Someone needs to invent a mute button for kids. They’d make billions.
“Brooks is meeting us here. I hope that’s alright,” he says as we get out of the truck.
“That’s fine with me, why wouldn’t it be?” I’m puzzled as to why he thinks it would be a problem.
“Just let me know if he hits on you, I’ll be glad to kick his ass, especially in public. Actually,” he stops walking, “just pretend that he’s hitting on you, that’d be alright too.” I roll my eyes and slap his chest, but he quickly grabs my hand and brings it to his mouth giving it a swift kiss before he pulls me toward him so he can kiss my lips. It’s a quick one, but I can feel the need behind it. He wants to finish what we started the other night. I’m left standing a little weak in the knees, but he tugs at my arm letting me know that we have to keep walking. When we get to the admission gate Brooks is waiting, leaning against the fence.
“Happy Birthday buddy,” he yells to Armie as he spreads his arms apart waiting for the huge hug he’s about to receive from the boy running for him at full speed.
“Thanks!” Armie’s excitement is apparent to the few people in line next to us and some of them wish him a happy birthday as well.
“If you guys don’t mind I’m going to go ahead and take him in, so we can get a head start. I need some nephew time. Plus it’ll give you lovebirds some alone time,” Brooks says wagging his eyebrows.
“What’s lovebirds?” Armie asks with his nose scrunched up.
“I’ll explain it to you in a little while, bud,” he responds with a smirk.
“Sounds gross.”
“Armie, don’t listen to anything your uncle tells you,” Branson warns him. “I mean it, he’s trouble.”
“Oh, give me a break asshole, I learned everything from you. Take note of that Sawyer,” he says pointing between Branson and me.
“Alright already, go ahead,” Branson yells at him. “Just watch him around the goats. Those bastards tried eating his shirt last time.”
“Come on bud, your dad wants to take his girlfriend to the barn.” Looking over his shoulder Brooks smiles at us both.
“What would they do in a barn?”
“Shut your mouth Brooks,” Branson yells after him. A hearty laugh is all he gets in return.
Making our way around the small fenced in areas that hold smaller goats we head toward an old barn that looks like it has seen better days. The red paint is peeling off, and there are a few boards missing, but the structure looks sound. Once inside chickens scatter around our feet, running in different directions. I can hear a pig in a stall close by, not to mention smell it. I’ve always loved that about farms though. The smell is definitely something that you either love or hate. Growing up I rode a few horses and worked in the barn cleaning out stalls and feeding the animals. The smell is ingrained in my memory.
“I love that smell,” Branson says with his eyes closed, breathing deeply. “The smell of aged leather tack and saddles. The dust, sweat, feed, horses, hay, and manure; it’s like they’re all blended together, aged to perfection, and buried deep into the wood of the stalls. It never leaves; such a comforting thing.” Opening his eyes he squeezes my hand slightly before leading me to look at the pig. “I always wanted a potbellied pig growing up. Apparently a pig isn’t a suitable replacement for a dog as a household pet,” he says sarcastically.
“Gross! You wanted a pig in the house?”
“Hell yeah I did, those things are smarter than a damn dog. I was going to prove it, too. It’s still not fair,” he says shaking his head, the memories running through his mind.
“You poor thing.” I pat his shoulder and fake a pout. “Hey I have a question.”
“Shoot.”
“Your brother called me your girlfriend earlier. Is that something you talked to him about?” I’m curious what his answer will be.
“Well, I don’t really know. I guess we’re dating, right? We are aren’t we?” His eyes are wide and he’s worried he’s made a mistake.
“When did this happen, and why wasn’t I notified of it because you never asked me to be your girlfriend?” My smart remark gets me a smile. Branson leans in to kiss me but I interrupt. “Don’t you dare say one word while we’re standing in front of a stinky ass pig, Branson Phillips.” Laughing he pulls me further into the barn in front of another stall. This one is home to a beautiful chestnut colored thoroughbred gelding named Ranger. “He’s beautiful,” I say rubbing my hands down the sides of his halter and back to the top of his head between his ears.
“Is this better?” he asks while turning my body to face him.
“Much.” The words barely escape my lips before Branson is on me, his hands on my body, frantically trying to pull me as close to him as possible. His lips devour mine, and I grip my hands into his thick hair. Pulling back he asks between kisses. “Sawyer,” his lips touch mine. “I know,” his tongue traces the inside of my bottom lip. “We haven’t been dating very long, and I don’t want to rush you into anything right now.” His hands rest on the sides of my face, holding me in place. “But I’d like to at least say we aren’t dating other people,” he says in a whisper as he looks into my eyes, and I’m lost.
“It’s about damn time cowboy. I think that’s a great start.” Smiling, I nod my head before kissing him again.
“I told you he wanted to t
ake her to the barn.” The sound of Brooks’ voice shocks us both, and we separate quickly but Branson keeps his hand around my waist. “Stick with me kid, I’ll teach you what you really need to know in life.”
“He wanted to kiss her in a barn? Why would he want to do that? It smells like poop in here,” Armie says looking up to his uncle for answers while holding his nose. “Don’t get any ideas,” he says pointing at Brooks with his other hand and his eyes wide.
“Trust me,” Branson says laughing hysterically, “your uncle doesn’t want to kiss you either.”
“You’ve got that right. Y’all ready to get your asses whooped at some bowling?” Brooks raises his eyebrows at us both with his hands held out at his sides.
“I’d wipe that cocky grin off your face buddy. I’m pretty good,” I say with confidence.
“That was pretty funny, you almost made me laugh,” he replies.
“Listen you donkeys, I’m the one that’s going to win, so quit your whining,” Armie says with his hands on his hips. My eyes widen, and I inhale quickly. Apparently too quickly because I start to cough severely.
“What did he just call us?” I manage to get out between breaths.
“Donkeys. This place is pretty small, that’s why we got back so quickly. We saw one earlier, and he’s been calling everyone we see now, a donkey. I know I should probably stop him, but it’s pretty fucking funny,” Brooks says laughing.
“Watch your language,” Branson warns him.
“Oh, right, sorry,” he says patting Armie on the head and his lips stretched thin.
“Sawyer, are you alright?” Branson tries massaging my back to help return my breathing to normal, but it’s my mind that needs more help at this point. This has to be a sick joke. Of all days for me to hear that word, one I haven’t heard in four years, it has to be today. My mind strenuously filters through the memories I have of Jaxx teasing his friends. He always called us donkeys. It’s something that will stick with me forever, it was him. Hearing Armie, this little guy, calling me that has not only shocked me into a state of panic, but also broken my heart a little more.