Charlie Joe Jacksons Guide to Summer Vacation

by Tommy Greenwald

  But Jack was smiling. “This might not be such a bad thing,” he said.

  I looked at him like he had two heads. “What are you talking about?”

  “Think about it,” Jack added, which was the most popular expression at camp, since the kids at Camp Rituhbukkee loved to think about everything. “You’ve known this guy like your whole life. You must know a lot about him. So, there must be something, some weakness he has, which we can use to our advantage.” He got up to put the cookies away, but I grabbed one first. “Think about it,” he repeated, closing the box.

  I did what he said—I thought about it. And then I thought about it some more. And the more I thought, the more I realized he was right. I did know a lot about Teddy Spivero, from studying his sister so carefully all these years. I knew what he liked. I knew what he disliked.

  And best of all, I knew what his two major obsessions were.

  A plan started forming in my head.

  “George,” I said, “do you think your girlfriend Cathy would do me a favor?”

  “She’s not my girlfriend, but yes, if I ask her to,” George answered immediately, not blushing this time. Jeez. A little attention from a cute red-haired girl, and suddenly he was Mr. Confidence.

  “Cool.” I went to the door. “Dwayne, come out here!” I’d be waking him up, but I didn’t care. Quiet Hour would have to wait.

  The rest of the guys came running out of the cabin, looking at me like I was insane. Kind of like the way I looked at them when they told me to quiet down so they could read.

  Then Dwayne stumbled out, with his eyes half closed.

  “What is it, Jackson?” he said, opening Jack’s cookie box and grabbing a handful. “This better be good.”

  “Oh, it’s good all right,” I said. I was feeling pretty proud of myself. In fact, if I could have patted myself on the back, I would have.

  “I think I might have a way we can win this game.”

  I told everyone my plan, with Nareem, George, and Jack helping me perfect it along the way. The other kids thought it was ridiculous, but Dwayne just sat there, looking at me intensely.

  When I finished, Dwayne got up and walked around the porch for a minute, not saying anything. I could tell that he was trying to decide between trusting some crazy kid he barely knew and being willing to try anything to win.

  When a weird half-smile crossed his face, I knew he’d made his decision.

  “If this works,” Dwayne told me, “you just might be the biggest genius here.”

  Then his booming laugh brought Quiet Hour to a close once and for all.

  Dear Jake,

  How’s your summer going? Don’t answer that.

  Camp Rituhbukkee is pretty much what I thought it was going to be: a lot of reading, a lot of writing, and a lot of people that remind me of you.

  Katie and Nareem are good. I’m pretty sure they like each other. Some other kids think so, too. But so far they haven’t said anything about it. We’ll see what happens.

  By the way, I’m playing your girlfriend’s brother’s camp in basketball tomorrow. How is Hannah, anyway? Please check one:

  a) miserable

  b) horrible

  c) I don’t know, because we broke up.

  Your bud,

  Charlie Joe

  7

  “Announcements! Quiet please, for announcements!”

  Dr. Mal did announcements after every meal. They were usually about a wonderful short story he’d just read, or some new novel that he thought all the campers would love. (It’s a good thing announcements didn’t come before meals, because I might have lost my appetite.) But tonight’s announcement was different.

  “As we all know,” he began, “tonight is our first Friday Night Campfire, and tomorrow is our annual visit with the fine young men of Camp Wockajocka.”

  Massive booing.

  “You mean Camp Jockstrap!” yelled a voice in the back.

  Massive cheering.

  Dr. Mal made the calm-down motion with his hand. “I know, I know, they have given us a great deal of trouble on the basketball court in recent years, but try to remember, it’s not about the final score, it’s about learning how to play fair, hard, and with dignity. These are lessons that every student must learn, to take with them both on the field of play and in their chosen field of study.”

  This guy was unbelievable. Did everything have to be about studying?

  “In any event, Coach Dwayne has told me that he expects big things this year,” continued Dr. Mal. “I’d like to invite him up to the microphone to offer a few words of encouragement. Please welcome Coach Dwayne.”

  Dwayne wasn’t quite as tall as Dr. Mal, so he had to lower the mike a little. “Since I know everyone here is into books, let me just say that tomorrow will begin a new ‘chapter’ in our rivalry with Camp Wockajocka,” he said. We all started cheering like crazy, but he hushed us. “I don’t want to give away our strategy, but all I can say is, COME HUNGRY!”

  After he yelled those last two words, the place went nuts. Dwayne winked at me and started heading back to our table, but then remembered something and went back to the microphone.

  “Oh, one last thing. I’d like to see Cathy Ruddy after dinner for just a minute, please. Thanks.”

  The whole dining hall turned to look at Cathy, whose face turned the color of the beets that they always served that I never ate.

  Nareem leaned over to me. “You really think this is going to work?”

  “Yeah, do you?” asked George.

  “You guys might be the smartest kids in the country,” I said, “but when it comes to fool-proof plans, I’m pretty much Albert Einstein.”

  Dear Charlie Joe,

  You forgot one multiple choice for Hannah: d) she’s doing really well and we’re still going out. Sorry about that. But we both wish you were around to hang out with.

  I hope camp is great and you aren’t regretting the decision to go. I saw your mom walking Moose and Coco the other day and she told me how proud she was of you. So just hang in there for a couple more weeks, and you can come home and totally do whatever you want and not get in trouble.

  Awesome about Katie and Nareem. It seemed kind of like they liked each other during school so I’m not surprised that it’s turning out to be true. You must be so psyched for them, huh?

  See you soon.

  Jake

  8

  Friday Night Campfires were a big deal at Camp Rituhbukkee.

  “Even if you hate the rest of camp,” Nareem told me, “you’ll love the campfires.”

  “Hate is a strong word,” I replied. “I prefer ‘would rather be anywhere else.’”

  After dinner, everyone walked from the dining hall down a long dirt road to a clearing by the lake, where there was a huge fire climbing to the sky.

  I had to admit, it was pretty cool.

  All the campers sat in a giant circle. George was working his semi-magic with Cathy; Jack was with the other guys from my cabin, who were still a little suspicious of my non-reading ways; so I sat with Katie and Nareem, as usual. They were sitting very close to each other. Closer-than-just-friends close, if you ask me. Also sitting with us was Lauren Rubin, a quiet girl who was becoming one of Katie’s good friends. Lauren was reading a book. I know—shocking, right?

  Katie pinched my arm. “So what are you up to, Captain Charlie Joe?”

  “Ow,” I answered. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, I saw Dwayne wink at you during announcements. I figure you guys have something up your sleeve for the basketball game, and I want to know what it is.”

  “Aren’t you a smarty-pants?”

  “I am, in fact.”

  “Well, I’d tell you, but then I’d have to kill you.”

  Lauren smiled slightly behind her book.

  “Charlie was very interested to learn that Teddy Spivero went to Camp Jockstrap,” Nareem mentioned.

  “Aha,” said Katie, thinking that one over. She turned to L
auren. “Teddy is the obnoxious twin brother of the famous Hannah Spivero. Charlie Joe has had a crush on Hannah ever since he was old enough to say the words, ‘I have a crush on Hannah.’”

  “Used to,” I explained. “I’m so over her now, though, it’s not even funny.”

  “He met a great girl named Zoe this year,” Katie explained, “and all of a sudden Hannah is yesterday’s news.”

  “I see,” Lauren said, still not looking up from her book.

  I stared at the fire. Katie mentioning Zoe made me miss her a little, so I decided to change the subject.

  “So what’s up with you two?” I asked Nareem and Katie. “I watched you guys in school all year long, and now at camp. Something’s going on.”

  “We’re engaged,” Katie said, which made Nareem spit juice out of his mouth.

  “I hope you two will be very happy,” Lauren said. They all giggled.

  “Ha ha,” I said, sarcastically. For some reason I didn’t think the topic of Katie and Nareem was all that hilarious. I just wanted them to tell the world they liked each other, so we didn’t have to spend the rest of our lives guessing.

  Lauren looked up at me for the first time. “You’re the kid who hates to read, right?”

  Before I could say anything, Katie said, “Supposedly.”

  I looked at her. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “It means, I have a theory about why you came to camp,” Katie said. “I know you say you did it for your parents, which is partly true. But it’s not the only reason.”

  This got Lauren to shut her book.

  “Here we go,” I said, sighing. Even though I had no idea what Katie was getting at, her theories usually involved things I didn’t want to hear.

  Katie, meanwhile, was just getting warmed up. “You go around telling people how much you hate to read,” she said, “and how you want to make us all less nerdy and more like you, but I’m not sure I believe you.”

  I scratched my head, not sure if I’d heard her correctly. I’d been accused of a lot of things in my life, but being a secret reader was never one of them. “Sorry, but that makes no sense,” I said. “I don’t like homework, I don’t like school—well, I like the fun parts of school, like recess, but not the working part—and I definitely don’t like reading.”

  “I’m not saying you like it,” Katie said. “I’m saying there’s a part of you that’s fascinated by smart people, people who actually like to learn. Most of your friends back home are really smart, did you ever think about that? Jake, Nareem, Hannah, and, if I do say so myself, me.”

  “Pete Milano’s not smart,” I said, referring to my friend back home who specialized in C’s and D’s. But Katie was too busy getting ready for her big finish to hear me.

  “I think that deep down,” she announced, “some part of you actually wants to be a nerd.”

  I had no idea what to say. I was totally shocked. Who wouldn’t be? It was the craziest thing I’d ever heard in my life. Yes, I liked having smart friends, but that was because they could help me with my homework and stuff. And besides, so what?

  Suddenly I felt mad. “If you don’t want to hang around with me at camp, Katie, then you should just say so.”

  “Don’t overreact,” she said.

  “How am I overreacting?” My voice was getting a little louder. I pointed at Nareem. “You’ve been hanging around with Nareem way more than me. Why is that? Is it because he belongs here and I don’t? Either that, or you like each other. So maybe you should figure out whether or not you and him are actually going to become boyfriend and girlfriend, instead of coming up with random theories that you know will annoy me.”

  Katie looked a little hurt.

  “That wasn’t nice, Charlie Joe,” Nareem said quietly.

  “Sorry,” I said, trying to sound like I meant it.

  All of a sudden somebody started banging on a cowbell.

  “Boys and girls, let’s sing!” yelled Ms. Domerca, who was standing in front of the bonfire, wearing a purple dress with apples and oranges on it.

  I looked at Nareem, who shrugged. “Ms. Domerca loves sing-alongs.”

  She launched into a slightly out-of-tune version of “Blowin’ in the Wind.” After an awkward minute, Katie put her hand on my shoulder. “You know, even if you are a secret nerd, I still love you,” she said.

  “Stop calling me that,” I said back to her. “I mean it.”

  Katie looked at me, shook her head, then walked away. After a second, Nareem followed her.

  I watched them go, not sure what to do. Katie and I had barely ever argued before, and it felt weird, in a bad way. I wanted to take it back, but it was too late now.

  Lauren was still sitting on a log, reading. She was like a girl version of Jake Katz—nice, smart, shy, and always with a book in her hand. But she reminded me of Jake Katz before he started going out with Hannah, and became a lot more confident. Lauren didn’t have all that much confidence, as far as I could tell.

  I looked down at her. “What are you reading?”

  Lauren held up the cover. “The Miracle Worker.” Then she smiled at me. “It’s a play. Does that make it any better?”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “It means I know how much you hate books,” Lauren said, then she smiled. “Or do you?”

  “Can we stop talking about that, please?” I snapped.

  Lauren’s face turned bright red. “Sorry. I was just making a dumb joke.” She looked away, embarrassed.

  I wanted to say I was sorry, too, that it wasn’t her I was mad at. It was Katie and her annoying theories, and Zoe for being far away, and all my friends back home for having fun without me, and this whole place, where I felt totally out of place for the first time in my life. I wanted to tell Lauren all that, but for some reason I couldn’t.

  So instead, I sang.

  How many roads must a man walk down, before you call him a man?

  9

  I was so distracted the rest of the night—thinking about my argument with Katie—that even the s’mores, which were completely delicious, couldn’t get my full attention.

  I went over my entire life in my head—how I avoided the library in elementary school, and had Timmy McGibney read my books in exchange for ice cream sandwiches in middle school, and how I introduced Jake Katz to Hannah Spivero and basically watched my dream girl walk off into the sunset with my brainiac friend just so he would read my books. Not to mention the fact that I had to be in the school play about paper towels, just to make sure the teacher didn’t hate me.

  Does that sound like the behavior of a dork-in-training? I don’t think so.

  Jack Strong wandered by, scraping melted marshmallow off his chin. Tonight’s T-shirt said AMHERST.

  “Is that another college?” I asked.

  “Yeah,” he replied.

  “Where is it?”

  “I have no idea.”

  “Did your dad go there, too?”

  “My uncle did,” Jack said. “It’s a small school, but it’s amazing.”

  I offered him my napkin. “What George said, about your dad, about how he’s hyper-intense. Is that true?”

  Jack thought for a second. “I guess it is,” he said. “He just wants what’s best for me, but yeah, sometimes he gets a little crazy.”

  “Have you ever tried telling him to back off a little bit?”

  He looked shocked. “You’re kidding, right?”

  “No, I’m not kidding. If you spend too much time worrying about colleges and stuff, you won’t have any time left over to just be a kid.”

  As Jack thought about that for a second, I looked around for Katie. I wanted her to see me in action, trying to de-nerd a human being right before her eyes. But she was nowhere to be found.

  Suddenly a voice blasted from the campfire. “Yo fellow campers, wassup?!? Let’s do this thing!”

  I looked up. Standing in front of the fire was Jared Bumpers, the kid who wanted to be captain o
f the basketball team. He looked like he was about to do something obnoxious. I knew Jared’s type. He was one of those kids who waits all his life to be in the oldest group, just so he could finally feel like a big deal.

  Also, because Dwayne had made me captain, Jared had decided to hate me.

  “So who’s coming to the big game against Jockstrap tomorrow?” he hollered. Everyone kind of cheered. Jared made a face. “Louder!” Everyone kind of cheered again, at exactly the same volume as the first time.

  “The team’s been practicing all week,” Jared went on. “We’re looking good. Coach Dwayne has us ready.”

  No mention of Captain Charlie Joe, of course.

  Then Jared looked right at Lauren. “What’s your name?”

  Lauren looked around, like she couldn’t believe Jared was talking to her. “Lauren,” she finally said.

  “Well, Lauren, it’s loyal campers like you that make us go out there and fight for our good name. So come up here and toast with me.”

  I couldn’t believe what a turkey this guy was, but apparently Lauren didn’t share my opinion, because she scrambled to her feet and joined Jared in front of the fire. Younger girls always fall for older guys, even at nerd camp.

  Jared poured two cups of bug juice (which is camp-speak for fruit juice) and gave one to Lauren. They clinked. “Here’s to the men and women of Camp Rituhbukkee,” he said. “Scholars of the highest order, but also athletes and competitors. Sharp of mind and sound of body. With brain and brawn we shall be victorious!”

  What was this guy talking about? I wanted to find Katie so we could roll our eyes together, but then I remembered we were in a fight, so I stopped myself. Meanwhile, Lauren was staring at Jared with a “you’re-awesome” look in her eyes.

  Wait a second, was she falling for this guy’s routine? Seriously?

  Smart people are so dumb sometimes.

  As I sat there watching obnoxious Jared, shaking my head at gullible Lauren, thinking about completely-wrong Katie, and wishing I was with perfect Zoe, I realized one thing.