The Willow Tree: A Novel

by Hubert Selby

  Bobby stood in front of the mirror inspecting his face carefully, tentatively, gently touching the bruised and cut areas, his hand leaping away as if from a hot stove when he felt an extremely tender spot (looking in the mirror to see if Moishe noticed), and when he finished prodding he just stood and looked, turning his face this way, then that way, then this way, over and over, then nodded and turned to face Moishe, This face be doin real fine Mush. I be in good shape to go see my girl and the moms.

  Moishe looked at him for a minute, then went over to him and squinted at his face, gently turning it, tilting it, examining it from various angles, then smiled, Dr. Schultz is doing a good job, ya?

  You righteous Mush.

  The healing is very good…ya, very good—Bobby smiling broadly, very pleased—But youre still having many bruises, still a little swelling some places…some very ugly marks, ya?

  Bobby broadened his smile, his eyes twinkling as he looked into Moishes face, But Im so pretty Mush, aint no amount a bruises be hidin that—Moishe returning his look, nodding slightly—an I gotta see my girl an let the moms know I be alright.

  Moishe continued looking into Bobbys eyes, forcing a smile on his face, reached up and gently, tenderly…lovingly touched Bobbys cheek for a moment, just for the eye wink of a moment and nodded briefly, Ya—then suddenly turned and started walking to the kitchen, looking back over his shoulder, Come…we talk first. He sat at the kitchen table and Bobby joined him. Moishe looked at him for a moment….So…youre coming back?

  Bobby blinked for a moment….Sheeit, I didn even think of that Mush—Moishe looking at Bobby, his expression gentle, not reflecting the terrible turmoil going on within him—I guess I dont be knowin…you know what I mean, like I dont know whats happenin out there…like what the moms be up to and Maria an the cops an those muthafuckin spics—shrugs—I jus doan know….Aint that somethin, all this time an I never figured that one out. Guess I figured when I be leaving I be leavin, but now….Sheeit Mush, I jus doan know—he suddenly leaned forward and smiled—but I be comin back some time anyway to be seein you, like a doctors visit, yo dig? Moishe nodded and forced a smile on his face, Ya….You come back so I give to you the bill, ya? Right on Mush—Bobby laughing and he and Moishe giving each other five. Moishe was quiet for a moment, then took a deep breath and exhaled noisily, Youre needing a map to get back. Man, that be true. Aint no body findin this place ceptin you, sheeit, I doan even know where I am. Moishe chuckled, You here—then laughed as Bobby shook his head, Damn Mush, sometime you be one corny mutha. Ya, ya—getting paper and pencil—sometimes so bad I laugh. Im making some maps. Maps? To get home…and to get back here when youre coming back.

  Right on.

  Moishe drew parallel and perpendicular lines on one of the pieces of paper, a big X for the entrance to the cellar. He then drew a map showing Bobby how to get from the entrance to Moishes apartment. Moishe showed the maps to Bobby, Im coming with you to the entrance so Im showing you landmarks, ya? We/ll take flashlight and hide it for when you come back. Bobby nodded and Moishe showed him the other map, showing Bobby how to get back to his neighborhood. Damn, I come all the way over here? Now aint that a bitch, Im not rememberin hardly any of that…matter fact Im not rememberin hardly anythin after those mutha fuckas jump my ass—his expression suddenly hardening, Moishes eyes closing slightly as he studied Bobbys face. Anyway, I be gettin them. Some day I be gettin their asses—looking up at Moishe and smiling—but not tonight Mush, right now Im jus seein my girl and the moms, right Mush? Moishe shrugged, Maybe you should forget them…see your girl friend and mother…be happy. Mush—looking at him as if he really didnt understand—You cant be doin that. They kick my ass I got to be kickin theirs, thas the way it is Mush, I got to get up side their heads, Hey, I dont even be knowin if its day or night out there. Night—looking at his watch—8:23. You be safe—smiling mischievously at Bobby—They cant see you in the dark, only the blue spots—and Moishe laughed, Bobby shaking his head and smiling, Thats why we won the war Mush, we be natural born night fighters. Moishe stopped laughing and leaned back, his palms on the table top, So….Yeah, lets go man. It be a long time since I see my girl.

  They stepped out the door of Moishes apartment into the darkness of the cellar. Moishe locked the door, then opened a haphazard door in a pile of old wood and debris a few feet away. When they passed through that Bobby looked around and his eyes bugged out of his head, Damn Mush, you cant even be seein your pad, alls you see is all this ol junk—Bobby shook his head and continued to stare in wonder how you couldnt know there was anything there, yet he had just left the hippest pad he/d ever seen, and he stood for many minutes just looking around and shaking his head in astonishment and disbelief. Finally he turned and saw only darkness, darkness so thick he could feel it brushing against his face. Damn Mush, how you be seein anythin? I can see in the dark—turning on a flashlight, the beam severing the darkness. Wow, that be a mutha.

  Moishe led Bobby slowly through the endless darkness of the cellars, showing him various landmarks and pointing them out on the map, walking very slowly so Bobby could familiarize himself with the surroundings, the map and the direction he was walking. Bobby kept shaking his head, wondering when they would get to the street, feeling like he had been walking for hours, Moishe asking from time to time how he was feeling, Youre not tired? No man, I be fine, and they continued walking, Moishe making certain Bobby recognized every landmark at each turn and eventually they could feel a difference in the air and soon they were at the foot of the stairs leading up to the street. So…the flashlight is here, behind this pole and under this pile, like so. I dig it. When youre going up be careful, look first so no one there. Yeah, I got it Mush. And youre walking slow, ya, youre still already a little weak. I be fine Mush, but I take it easy. I ain about to run no race man. Good O—reaching into his pocket—youre needing some money. Hey man, I cant take your bread. Moishe shrugged and Bobby could see his smile in the almost total darkness, You eat already my bread and you cant take it?—and he giggled as he knew Bobby would be shaking his head and smiling. Bobby put the money in his pocket, Okay Mush, I catch ya later. Bobby turned to go up the stairs, then stopped for a moment, then turned and tapped Moishe on the shoulder, You be one righteous dude Mush—holding up his right hand, Moishe slapping it and then they squeezed each others hand. Bobby turned and went up the stairs, stopped near the top and carefully looked around, allowing his eyes to adjust before moving, then turned and looked back down the steps, We be the best night fighters around, right Mush—then giggled and put his head out a little more, then stepped up the remaining few stairs, turned left, and disappeared from Moishes sight. Moishe stood there for a couple of seconds, then slowly walked back to his apartment.

  Though he saw no one Bobby kept looking around, checking out what was behind him. Bobby wasnt sure how long he had been at Moishes, but he knew it couldnt be too long, but it felt like years since hed been walking the streets, specially a hood he aint never seen before. But he kept walking, aware of the sound of cars in the distance, gradually slowing down until he was forced to stop after walking a few blocks. He leaned against the wall for a moment surprised, Damn, ol Mush be right, I not so strong as I thought. That whippin draggin my ass. He continued walking through the devastation, the abandoned and half crumbling buildings, the area looking like those war movies he told Moishe hed seen. He rested again for a moment, then continued, trying to remember to walk more slowly, and soon he started seeing an occasional car, then an occasional person, mostly street people, winos and bums, and the light from the street lamps seemed eerie, making him feel that there was something under every piece of rock, every bit of paper, every piece of garbage, that he didnt want to see, that if it saw him it would follow him and maybe worm its way inside his bones or his brain and he wouldnt even know it but it would kill him in some way, maybe eat him through the throat, the skull or maybe chew up his stomach and hed be left here in the rubble just a little pile of dried out skin a
nd every time he looked away from me ground he became more aware of the light, that eerie, almost solid light that seemed to come from some dark place and not the street lamp and so the air he was walking through, the air surrounding him was threatening, it too becoming something he couldnt see or feel but could get him and he wouldnt know about it and he wished he had that big ass flashlight of Moishes so he could shine away this ugly mutha fucka that was creepin up on him….

  but the sounds of traffic and people got louder and louder and he became increasingly aware of them and everything became less threatening as the buildings became lived in and mostly had windows and all their walls and there was just the usual garbage on the streets and all the people walking and the kids running broke up the weird light and the tension drained from his mind and body and he felt more comfortable as everything became increasingly familiar. He also became aware of the stores and the smells and realized he was hungry, as well as tired, and also remembered the money Moishe had given him so he stopped in for a hamburger and a cup of coffee and a big piece of sweet potato pie. Mushie be a good cook, but he didnt have no sweet potato pie and Bobby felt like one, big smile as he chomped it away, piece by piece, then sipped the last of his coffee, enjoying the smells and the rest, and enjoying knowing he only had a few more blocks to go before he be seein his homeboys.

  Yeah, he be seein his homeboys, but he might also be seein those spics an right now there was no way he could whip they ass. He run into them now he be rucked, those muthafuckas kill him for sure, he jus plain whipped. He just wanted to walk around, feel all the busyness, all the runnin and yellin and bad mouthin, but knew he couldnt, that he bes be cool if he wanted to stay alive. He suddenly realized he hadnt been thinking like this all the time he be at Mushies. He jus lay back an take it easy an not worry about nothin, certainly not bout stayin alive….Yeah, thas right, even right away I somehow know he not be hurtin me…aint that some shit? Damn….Now I be back in the hood an I gotta be doin all this worryin about stayin alive. Aint that some weird shit! I guess maybe he be knowin about stayin alive in that constration camp an everything. Sheeit, what the fuck I be doin now? Feel like I could lay down an sleep some….maybe all night. Mus be all this fresh air—and he laughed to himself and shook his head and continued walking, checking out every dude who wasnt black, totally black, checking out every doorway, every fire escape, every window, every car, staying close to the walls of buildings, walking slowly around the area he knew his brother hung out, stopping from time to time to rest, catch his breath, and look at everything more carefully….and then he saw his brother Jesse walking down the street and he almost jumped on him, but waited until he was close and called him over. Jesse looked at him for a moment, surprised, blinking his eyes, then grabbed him, Bobby, jeez…where you been? How y a doin Jess? Bobby, where you been, whats happenin? I be in your bed now. Aint no body know where you be. Didnt know if you be dead or what like they do to Maria an—Maria? What happen to Maria? You aint heard? Bobby shook his head, eyes staring, his expression dazed, Whats happenin? She be dead Bobby. Damn, I thinkin you know….or you be dead too. O sheeit, I be sorry Bobby—looking at the color draining from his brothers face, Bobby leaning heavily on Jesse, suddenly very weak, very sick, staggering back into the wall as he held himself up by leaning on his brothers shoulders, his eyes glazed as he stared at Jesse, How can she be dead, she cant be dead….how she be dead???? She kill herself. What the fuck you mean, she kill her self? Jesse looked at his brother for a moment, You dont know nothin about what happen with the spics? Only they whip my ass with a muthafuckin chain. Jessies eyes widen, Sheeit, they do that? Bobby nodded then shook his head bewildered, But what the fuck happen Jesse—shaking his brother—what the fuck you be talkin about???? You need be sittin Bobby. Les go in Jimmys. They went into the coffee shop and sat at a table in the back, Bobby ordering a cup of coffee and telling Jesse to get himself some ice cream or something. Jesse squinted as he looked at Bobby in the harsh light of the shop; You dont be lookin to good bro. Where you been all this time? Bobby blinked and shook his head, dazed, Some ol man, what you be sayin Jess, how Maria be killin her self—still shaking his head, the rumbling shock twisting through his body. Jesse looked at his brother for a moment, Damn bro, you be lookin all fucked up. Bobby waved his comments away, his expression becoming more and more agonized. You dont be knowin theys throwin lye in Marias face? Bobby stared opened mouthed and bug eyed and slowly shook his head, I doan see nothin but the muthafucka wailin on me with the chain. Yeah, I can be diggin that. Yeah, they throwd lye inner face and she go the hospital. Seem like she be gettin better an one night she go out the window—looking at Bobby, watchin the bruises getting darker—it be 9 stories—Bobbys eyes suddenly slammed shut and he leaned forward and moaned and he looked like he was going to double over or throw up or scream or something but he just hung there, Jesse watching, wondering what was happening, then slowly sat more erect, still clutching his gut and the counter man called over to them and asked them what they was wantin and Jesse said he be havin a bowl of strawberry ice cream, then he turned back to Bobby and looked at him and Bobby nodded, Two. They were silent for a moment, then Bobby asked, Why she be killin her own self? Jesse shook his head, Nobody be knowin that bro. She jus be doin it. The counter man called for them to get their ice cream and Jesse brought them back to the table. Bobby looked at his for a moment as if he were staring through it then started picking at it as if in a trance, Jesse watching him as he scraped off large pieces of ice cream. Maria fall 9 floors…damn—Bobbys voice low and mournful, his expression reflecting his intense sadness. Man, I dont….He shook his head and stared at a spot on the table between him and his brother, Where them muthafuckas now? Who that? That mutha fuckin punk Raul an them….Jesse looked at his brother for a moment….Dont be seein much a them bro. They not showin their face aroun here none. Bobby was still staring, talking and nodding unconsciously. What you be doin now, bro? Bobbys head was shaking and he put another piece of ice cream in his mouth, Dont know. Guess I bes be gettin back to the ol man. Gotta figure this. Nine muthafuckin stories. Bobbys head was still shaking and his eyes suddenly slammed shut again and he leaned back in his chair, I cant be doin nothin yet Jess, Im still too bus up. Gonna come see the moms? Bobby shook his head, No…no…bes not. You be telliner Im alright, hear? Jesse nodded, feeling a sense of importance, feeling much older than his 9 years, I be takin care a that. How about Mr. Franklin down at school? They be wantin to know where you is. Bobby shook his head, Jus be cool with that. They be forgettin soon enough. Jesse laughed, That be true. How I be gettin a hold a you I be needin you? No way Jess. I/ll be aroun. I be gettin back together soon enough then I be aroun. You jus be tellin I be aroun. Let them muthafuckin spics be thinkin about them 9 stories—once more staring at the spot on the table until his eyes started blinking and he once again looked at his brother, They really threw that shit in her face—Jesse nodding—in her face….Maria….

  Bobby stared at the spot and Jesse stared at his brother, in silence, then Jesse started scraping the liquid in his dish and licking the spoon. Bobby leaned back and pushed his ice cream to Jesse, still looking dazed, but his color had returned yet the bruises blazed even more angrily than before. He suddenly stood, I gotta go Jess an be thinkin this shit through, O—taking some money from his pocket and handing Jesse a few bills—Here. Jesse paid for the ice cream then walked his brother to the corner, feeling really big and important as Bobby put his hand on his shoulder, An dont be tellin the moms how I be lookin. I gotcha bro. I just teller you be fine an got things to do. Right on. Jesse grinned and grabbed Bobbys hand after he gave him five, Be cool bro.

  Jesse watched Bobby walk down the street for a moment, then turned and ran back to his house to tell his mother, and everyone else, he had seen Bobby.

  Bobby instinctively walked as close to the buildings as possible, trying to be a thin shadow, alert and paying attention to what was happening in the streets, something he usually had no prob
lem with, but now he kept seeing an image of Maria falling those 9 fuckin stories, groaning deep inside himself as the image insisted on torturing him and then exploding as he suddenly heard the splat of a ball against a wall, or garbage thrown on the ground and he would suddenly freeze and lean against the wall for a moment…rigid…then force himself to breathe and continue walking and it suddenly seemed that it was quiet, only the sound of distant traffic and even that was becoming fainter and more occasional but still the image of Maria falling through the air haunted him and he couldnt cut it loose no matter what he did, but even so he continued to look around carefully, checking out all the doorways and shadows even though he knew Raul and those other muthafuckas wouldnt be here, but he didnt know who might be following him, waiting to get his ass alone in a deserted street, or one of the gangs that roamed around looking for someone to take out just for the hell of it, so he continued to walk through the now dark and deserted streets, through the war-torn rubble of the south Bronx, instincts energized and alert even though he seemed to be totally absorbed by the image of Maria floating down 9 stories to the street, the hard ass concrete, and he kept shaking his head to clear the image from his mind until he found himself stopped before the entrance to Moishes cellar, having no recollection of having traveled the distance from jimmys to here, how he remembered to make the right turns, to cross the right lots, just suddenly being here, standing still, looking down at the steps and the total, tangible darkness just beyond….