The Willow Tree: A Novel

by Hubert Selby

  Moishe stopped talking and looked at Bobby, So…tonight everythings funny?

  Bobby shook his head, No Mush, I jus be feelin cool, you dig?

  So cool youre laughing when I talk…I say hello, youre laughing. I say goodbye, youre laughing. I say is going fast the boat, youre laughing—Moishe shrugged and smiled—so thats cool?

  Bobby laughed and shook his head, No man, it jus be funny way you be talkin sometimes is all.

  So…Im talking funny? Its not English Im speaking?

  Yeah man well, its like different man. It dont be soundin like reglar English Mush.

  Is not regular?

  Man, you know, you got that funny accent Mush. You dont be talkin straight like the rest of us.

  Accent?

  They looked at each other, smiles getting broader, then they both started laughing and Bobby shook his head as he realized Moishe was putting him on and gave Moishe five.

  They continued sitting by the river, eating fruit, Bobby still bouncing on the bench though they were both silent. After a few minutes Moishe asked Bobby why he was jiggling around so much?

  Jigglin? What the fuck be jigglin Mush?

  Jiggling…like you have itchy powder in your underwear. Youre not sitting still.

  Bobby giggled, Jigglin—shaking his head—Damn, you sure be a funny dude sometime Mush.

  So????

  I was fixin to tellya, I see those spics las night…an I walk right by the muthas an they not knowin nothin.

  Moishe looked at Bobby, his face as expressionless as he could get it, and Bobby told him about the previous night. Moishe was fascinated by the intricasies of Bobbys planning and the ingenuity behind it, and was increasingly caught up in Bobbys narrative, having, from time to time, to remind himself that Bobby was not describing a childrens game, but a contest of life or death.

  So I think Im jus about ready Mush. I figure sooner or later they goin be one a them muthafuckas walkin down the street alone an he be mine. Theys got to be lots a peoples done toi them theyd seen me an they mus be wonderin what Im up to. They ass got to be sweatin Mush…got to be. You make a man worry an he fuck up…they be worryin, I know it….So what you think Mush, I be ready?

  Moishe stared at him, feeling blank, lost, trying to shrug but his body shuttered slightly, feeling his throat forming words but knowing he could not speak them, that he could not plead with Bobby to forget his hate…, Youre looking strong….Ya, ya, youre looking strong.

  Right on Mush. That workout shit be doin a good job. Sheeit, how long I be workin out now, mus be couple months.

  Ya, ya, months.

  Bobby looked surprised, then started grinning again; Damn it be a long time I be meetin you Mush—looking into Moishes face, suddenly looking serious, grateful, an overwhelming sense of sincerity in his voice—You be a good frien Mush. I sure be all fucked up when you be findin me, an thas for damn sure. I remember. I be feelin all bus up inside like aint nothin in the right place an doin the right thing.

  Moishe smiled self-consciously, flushing slightly, and shrugged, I—

  I remember how I be feelin when I went down your stairs. I be thinkin Im goin die. Cant hardly breathe. Cant move. No more. I be thinkin maybe Im goin the an they mutha-fuckin rats eatin my ass. I jus hopin I be dead before they starts eatin on me is all.

  Moishe beamed at Bobby, I see how you are and Im wonderin what to do. No doctor he says. No hospital he says. So Im a little bit crazy trying already to patch you up.

  But you be doin it bro. Better than the mergency at the hospital. You be lucky you gettin outta that alive. How yo knowin how to do all that shit Mush?

  Is no big deal. When little boy for Christmas Im getting doctors set…maybe 8 years old, an Im playing doctor ever since—and Moishe burst into laughter, Bobby staring for a minute, confused, then understanding and laughing with Moishe, the two of them sitting on the bench in the cool stillness of a late summer night, only a few stars visible in the sky, but the running lights on the boats on the river looking like diamonds, rubies and emeralds…and they continued to laugh, leaning closer and closer toward each other until they reached out and hugged each other, each flooded with the feelings of the other as well as their own, feeling a closeness that Bobby had never experienced before, in a way he didnt know existed, and Moishe felt love and gratitude flowing through him from Bobby, and from within himself. They sat back on the bench looking at the river and the lights on the other side, experiencing a sense of unity that would, like everything else, pass, but for now, right now it soothed every painful memory, bringing with it the sense that all things are possible. The feeling sparkled within them and they relaxed, feeling peaceful and soon the thought of hot dogs drifted through Bobbys mind, and then the ice cream he and Moishe would have when they got home and he stretched his arms and legs, rotated his neck and shoulders, then looked at Moishe, What that dude be sayin to you?

  Hmmnmm—looking quizzically at Bobby.

  You know, that dude in the camp that be helpin you. What he be sayin to you?

  O, Sol. Ya, Sol—Moishe studied Bobby for a moment, trying to think what to say. He took a deep breath telling himself to speak from the heart—Why now you ask?

  Bobby shrugged, Dont know Mush. Suddenly seem like I got to know what he say. Ain hardly thought about it, jus be comin out my mouth.

  Bobby sat back waiting for Moishe to answer his question knowing he would after he got things sorted out in his head like he always did before he said anything. So Bobby waited.

  Sol is such a good man. He always do first what he say I should do. Never do different than what he say.

  Like he put his money where his mouth is, eh?

  Moishe stared for a moment, then smiled, Ya, ya. Is putting money where mouth is. Ya—nodding his head and chuckling—That is good, ya.

  Bobby smiled and shook his head, You funny bro—and went back to waiting.

  Sol is saying my hate is killing me quicker than the camp. Look what hate has done to our country…these camps are built by hate. Look at the guards my friend, the ‘authorities’, they have become mad, crazed animals…wretched beasts of prey. Sol was quiet for a moment, then spoke quietly, but so…strongly I still shiver when I think of it….Then he said: Hold on to your hate my friend and you will become what you hate.

  Bobby shrugged, I dont be knowin nothin bout that, but what else he be sayin?

  Moishe hesitated for a moment, then took a deep breath, He said I should wish Klaus be happy, that—Bobby peered at Moishe, eyes clouding, disbelief and resistance on his face—He say what?—total disbelief on his face and in his voice, Moishe looking at him sympathetically, knowing it was impossible for Bobby to hear that now, yet knowing, in his heart, that he had to tell him the truth just as simply as it had happened, that love and respect demanded he tell him the truth, that Bobby deserved nothing less in answer to his question—He say you should—Bobby shook his head and jumped up and stepped to the railing a few feet away and looked down at the water, shaking his head, trying to force Moishes words from his head, from his brain, from his mind, his energy coming to the defense of his hatred, yet something within him seeming to be trying to at least listen to what Moishe said and he shook his head as the battle raged, Moishe watching, knowing pain by pain what Bobby was experiencing, though it was so many years ago he went through the same agony he still remembered it…pain by pain, breath by breath…tear by tear, and he waited for Bobby to go though his process, doing all he could to allow the love in his heart to replace the fear in his mind and body and just love Bobby…just love him….Bobby jerked around, still slightly stooped like a fighter stalking his opponent across the ring, but his hands were extended behind him, holding on to the railing—How the fuck he say that? How he fuckin say that? That muthafucka be takin you business an throwin yo ass in a muthafuckin constration camp an fuckin up you family an doin all that shit you be havin—pointing to his tattoo—an you say you caint never be forgettin what be happenin an—Bobby spun aro
und and leaned against the railing, pumping his body back and forth, throwing his head back and shaking it violently—Damn! MUTHAFUCKA!!!! MUTHA FUCKIN FUCKA!!!!—pounding the railing with the side of his hands, then stamping around in a circle, pounding his anger into the pavement—That muthafucka crazy!!!! How he say that to you Mush when you be in that fuckin joint????

  Moishe took a breath and spoke as slowly and gently as possible, He was there too Bobby. Same hell.

  But he be a real jew!

  Moishe filled his words with all the love of his being, No one deserved to be there Bobby. It was the same hell for all of us. No one deserved to be there…no person…no animal….No one Bobby.

  Bobby stared at Moishe for a moment, his agitation and rage making his head vibrate, clouding his vision, Aint no body in the world be sayin that shit! No one! Everyone say get that muthafucka an kill his ass…real slow. The whole world be sayin that!!!!

  Moishe was quiet for a moment, and silent, concentrating as much as possible on the love he felt for Sol and Bobby…and himself….Have you always agreed with the world Bobby? Are you always thinking the world is right?—Bobby suddenly jerking his head around and staring at Moishe—Muthafuck the world man! Thats bull shit!!!!—continuing to stare at Moishe for a moment, but unable to sustain it and jerked his head around again, leaning against the railing, pumping his body back and forth….

  Moishe continued looking at Bobby, silently, then spoke with the same gentleness and love, Youre asking me a question…Im answering. Im always answering your question, ya?—Bobby spun around and looked at Moishe—Im asking now you a question, You think always the world is right?

  Again Bobby was unable to look into Moishes face, unable to deal with the expression of compassion and love, and after a moment looked down at his feet…eventually raising his head and looking at Moishe and shrugging, then shaking his head, No, I dont know if I know what the muthafuckin world be…ceptin I think the muthafuckas full a shit—Moishe continued to look at Bobby with the same expression on his face, from time to time Bobby looking down at his feet then up at Moishe…then once again at his feet…then back at Moishe…eventually he shook his head, No, I dont be thinkin the muthafuckin world be right. I be thinkin all them muthafuckas—snapping his head from side to side—out there be bad muthafuckas an be killin my black ass right the fuck now if they even be knowin I alive. No, I dont be believin the world be right, not by any fuckin way! But that doan mean he be right you got to wish that muthafucka be happy!!! shit! I be wishin he be miserable with every little part of me….Gauddamn right I be wishin that! All day an all night I be wishin that, fuck the you rotten muthafucka!!!!—and Bobbys body continued to shake with rage as he stared at Moishe for a moment, then back to pounding the rail, stamping around in circles, slapping his head then once again the railing, until all he could do was collapse on the bench and hang his head and hug it with his hands.

  They sat silently, Moishe forcing himself not to reach over and put his hand on Bobbys shoulder, knowing it was not the time…not yet. Maybe never. Maybe Bobby never would give up his hate. Maybe it started too soon for him. Maybe that was all he saw, all he knew. Moishe didnt know. He only knew his heart was telling him to just sit, silently, quietly, and to just be there for Bobby, but not to interfere. Moishe became aware that he was toying with the bag they had carried the fruit in, empty now except for the peach pits. Something in him smiled at being aware of a brown paper bag with a couple of peach pits and getting some sort of comfort from feeling it between his fingers. Maybe there was some message there, some profound insight to all the pain of the world, or at least Bobbys, but Moishe had no intention of getting caught in all that. The peaches had tasted good and they had told each other that with every bite as they walked along the street…and now the bag felt good between his fingertips. That was all. And Bobby, and he, would survive this night, this talk…this anguish….Moishe shook his head and sighed inwardly, this whole eruption over just a few words…, Wish him happiness….Such pain over those words. About a man he never knew….O God, such turmoil over something so simple. Can anything be simpler than those words…or more impossible? Wish him happiness….And how strange…how crazy….I think of Klaus and Im alright….I mention wishing him happiness and look what happens???? How can we ever find happiness? We hunt and we hurt and we do what we do…what we have to do. What—enough, enough. Klaus is dead and so is my hatred. But Bobbys hatred kills in little bits and pieces. So young to the of hatred. But how old do you have to be to die??? even slowly????

  In time Bobby stopped trembling and he took a deep breath and sighed, becoming aware of the pain in his body, the intense soreness as he started to relax. He sat up slowly and stared at the river for many minutes until he became aware of the boats gliding along the water, visible only by their lights. In time he leaned back and took another deep breath and exhaled slowly, still staring at the water, Looks like I be rememberin that breathin stuff Mush.

  Moishe smiled and put his hand on Bobbys shoulder, Ya, is helping. We can use all the help we/re getting, ya?

  I guess so Mush. Yeah, I guess so…shit, I dont know what the fuck be happenin man—breathing deeply again and leaning his head back and looking straight up at the sky as he exhaled, It be like that muthafucka up there, it all the time the same yet it be different…know what I be sayin Mush? Like it always be over ya muthafuckin head but you dont know what the fuck you be seein, shit, I dont know what the fuck….

  Ya—smiling in the dark—When we/re looking, Gertrude and me at the stars we/re not caring about the names, ya?

  Bobby nodded his head and looked back at the river, liking the feel of Moishes hand on his shoulder and having him close, but still confused by the night, by trying to figure out what had happened, how they be comin here an him feelin so fine bout las night an what he be goin to do an all at onct everythin seem all fucked up. Bobby shook his head, to even try and sort it all out hurt. He remembered thinking about hot dogs and ice cream and now that seemed like a thousand years ago, almost like it had happened to someone else. But somehow that river be lookin….The lights seem to be wigglin acrost the water, doan they Mush, specially around the boats…be like the lights comin up outta the water and boogie acrost it….Be lookin nice, eh?

  Moishe started looking at the lights when Bobby started speaking and was mesmerized for a moment, then blinked himself into speech, Having more stars in the water than the sky….Nice breeze—lifting his face to feel it—Soon is winter. Ya….Thanksgiving…Christmas. On the river snow and ice maybe. On the lake here an—

  Lake?

  Ya, Prospect Park.

  O…yeah.

  And the old country. Freezing. Snow on trees all around lake. People skating. Sleigh rides. Same here. Lots of red noses. All bundled up. Scarves all wrapped around many times, so much longer than here—smiling—here is stingy scarves. Bobby started to say something but suddenly stopped as he saw the expression on Moishes face suddenly become so sad and pained Bobby felt like he had been hit in the stomach and he looked, wide-eyed, as Moishe struggled with a sudden memory—In the camp theres no boots, afraid toes are snapping off so we/re walking and stamping feet, only keep moving, keep moving—his voice getting louder and louder—keep moving, keep moving, keep….

  Moishe was suddenly silent, eyes closed, Bobby aware of his own heart pounding in his chest and ears, and Moishes chest heaving for a moment….then Moishe opened his eyes and looked at the river for a moment…shook his head, then looked at Bobby, Im almost forgetting, Im thinking—shrugs and strains a smile.

  I damn near be getting my feets frozen, I remember. My sneakers be all ripped an it be snowin an then the wind come rippin aroun like a muthafucka….When I get home I be huggin and rubbin them fuckers for a hour.

  Moishe stared at Bobby for a moment, What youre doing?

  I boos me a new pair very next day man.

  Boos????

  Yeah—smiling, then giggling—You sure be havin a problem with the la
nguage Mush—Moishe smiling a real smile as he looked at Bobby and listened to him—I stole me some muthafuckin sneakers man, an some socks. Sheeit, I be warm the whole rest of the winter.

  Ya…if only theres something to steal…O well—shrugging and pushing the memories from his mind.—One thing is very nice in winter

  Yeah?

  Having already a cold nose and going in warm house.

  Yeah, that be cool.

  They grinned at each other and sat silently for a few minutes. Eventually Bobby turned back to Moishe.

  An this guy he be marchin too an he say, Wish he be happy?

  Moishe nodded his head, Ya.

  What you be sayin?

  Moishe laughed, Same like you. I tell him hes crazy, out of his rucking mind! Ya, like you.

  Bobby grinned then started chuckling, You be puttin me on?

  Moishe shook his head, No. Im telling him.

  Again they were silent, grinning at each other, enjoying the moment.

  What you be doin?

  Eventually Im having no choice….Im doing what Sol is saying.

  No fuckin way. You be wishin that—O shit, I cant be believin—after all the shit that muthafucka be puttin your ass in??? how you???? Bobby trailed off into silence and shook his head.

  Moishe waited for a moment…Im fighting….Im fighting. Inside something is knowing Sol is right, but Im fighting…hate is what Im needing. And maybe Im right—shrugging—Maybe hate is keeping me alive, is giving me reason to live…but soon its killing me.

  How that be, it be killin you? Sheeit, this world be one big muthafuckin hate machine man an there be peoples all over the place, it doan look like it be dyin.

  Moishe tilted his head to one side and beamed at Bobby, So…youre calling this living—and laughed, Bobby staring at him for a moment, then laughing too—The hate is so bad one day Im collapsing on march back to camp. Im getting up but Im dizzy, some men are helping me, and in my heart Im knowing 2 things—Moishe stopped for a moment and looked at Bobby with profound kindness and compassion—for absolute certain—tapping heart—in here….All of a sudden Im knowing that Im dying…that simple, Im dying and tomorrow or next day, Im not getting up from ground and before is setting the sun Im food for wolves. Absolute!—He was quiet for another moment watching Bobby absorb the information—And Im also knowing, same way almost same time, that Sol is right—getting more excited—Im knowing in all of me, Sol is right…and I start to cry….Why???—Bobby shaking his head—Because Im knowing both things are right and I then know 2 more things…I dont want to die, I want to live…and I cant give up my hate, so Im standing there trembling, sweating, wanting to live but I cant stop killing me!!!! I cant tell you what Im feeling then…so terrible…like being already in a nightmare and youre knowing you should wake up but youre saying no and you cant stop yourself…youre saying no, no, no….Ya, maybe hate was reason to live for while…maybe even its keepin me alive. But now….But I cant stop….Im dying….I cant hate, and I cant not hate. They looked at each other, silent, the sounds of the streets and the river continuing yet each aware only of the beating of their own hearts….