The Willow Tree: A Novel

by Hubert Selby

  And, as always, Moishe sat and wondered when he would accept things as they are and stop deceiving himself that maybe Bobby would give up the idea of revenge. Everytime he asks me questions and nods his head I think Ive changed his mind, that now he will give up the madness of revenge and live happily ever after….How can I do this—shaking his head—How can I keep doing this? All the years I have lived and all the months hes been here and I still deceive myself into thinking…thinking??? hoping…ya, hoping I have changed his mind and always he says, See ya later Mush. Always! And I go through this over and over. Well, maybe I should accept the fact that Im going to continue doing what Im doing….But how sweet it would have been to be living with my son now…or close to him. I could babysit while they went out. I could teach them things. I could hug my son and kiss him on the cheek. I could hug his wife and their children. I could buy Christmas presents and wrap them and put them under the tree and we would turn on the lights and play music and…O Werner, for gods sake stop—blinking the tears from his eyes, feeling them roll down his cheeks and falling from his chin to his shirt—allow the past to sleep…please Werner, no more unnecessary sadness…no more unnecessary tears—He heard the door being opened and felt a sigh of relief flow through him and his body bent forward slightly. He pushed himself back in his chair and smiled when he saw Bobbys face, flushed with excitement and the cold wind. He yanked his jacket and hat and gloves off and sat down, his breathing rapid with excitement, Check this out Mush, It be sweet…yeah man, it be righteous and sweet. O man, you really gonna be diggin this—his eyes still wide with excitement, bouncing around on the chair as he told Moishe how he checked everything out, Moishe nodding and smiling, always relieved when Bobby returned safely from his trips, Bobbys eyes flashing with a mischievous expression, and when he got to the part of seeing the guy coming along the street he stopped, rubbed the top of his head and looked at Moishe for a moment, How bout some ice cream Mush?

  Moishe got them bowls of ice cream and Bobby started scooping the ice cream in his mouth as he bounced on the chair and told his story…Moishe getting more and more caught up in Bobbys excitement…So anyway, like I say, I got this all figured so I step in fronta this dude and grabim illustrating with his hands—like this, ya dig, and I grin atim…thas all, I jus be grinnin like a damn fool an I be right in this suckers face man, I mean right the fuck there, an I grin this dude right the fuck outta his mine then Im gone…jus like that, Im gone…history, an I doan be lookin back, but I got these eyes in the back of my haid, right? an I be seein this sucker standin there wonderin what the fuck be goin on an by the time he move Im gone, I mean Im outta there man an that muthafucka still doan know what be happenin toim…sheeit, I coulda reached in his pocket an be takin his money he so paralyze, damn, you shouldda seen that poor dumb muthafucka bro, I bet he be standin there so long he catch hisself a cole, an they still not knowin where I be—scooping furiously at the ice cream, spoon clanging against the bowl—an they never be knowin and Moishe continued to look at Bobby, smiling, still consciously involved with his sense of relief which grew when he realized that no one was hurt, that Bobby simply outthought them and was sitting there wolfing down ice cream—I bet they be freezin they dicks off right now tryin to find my ass—shaking his head and grinning at Moishe—Thas how I be lookin at the dude man, jus like this…all my teeth hangin out…grinnin like a damn fool…I be tellin you Mush, if I wasnt so pretty I be scarin that muthafucka to deth—giggling and scraping the bowl with the spoon, then his finger, then leaning forward and grinning again at Moishe—Thas what I do bro—staring, grinning, Moishe smiling then laughing, whatever tension was left draining from him as he laughed, then shook his head and looked at Bobby—Why you be lookin like that Mush? Like what? Like a wino what jus got a bottle a thunderbird—making a silly face and shaking his head, Moishe looking startled for a second, then bursting out laughing—Im thinking, if its dark hes seeing only the teeth—clicking his teeth at Bobby—and the two of them sat grinning at each other, Moishe, from time to time clicking his teeth…until they both started laughing so hard they were crying and shaking their heads, begging each other to stop…until they were able to start breathing normally and, from time to time, look at each other for a moment without laughing…then sat in silence catching their breath and rubbing their stomachs…eventually they each took a deep breath and sighed, again sitting quietly and gradually turning more and more toward each other until they were looking at each other, a hint of a smile on their faces…then Moishe picked up the bowls, slowly, and rinsed them and put them in the sink, then sat down, the silence continuing until Moishe asked Bobby if his parents knew he was alright?

  Bobby jerked up slightly and frowned, Parents????

  Ya, mother and father, theyre worried? Is many months youre here.

  Its just us and the moms—Moishe nodding—And I be takin care a that the firs time I go back, an I be sure I see Jesse every onct in a while, you know, tellim I be cool an find out whats happenin in the hood…like that.

  Ya, ya—nodding his head, the concerned look still on his face—Its a long time and Im thinking maybe they—she—worries.

  Its cool Bro. Aint no big thing a kid doan come home for a while. An anyway, she be havin enough kids to be buggin her. One less be jus fine cept I doan be no trouble anyways, but even so, it be cool Mush—looking at him for a moment, then smiling—You really be wonderin about that, eh?

  Moishe shrugged as offhandedly as possible and returned the smile.

  Aint that somethin, you really be worrin about someone you doan even know….Damn—shaking his head, still smiling, then slowly getting up, I be wipe out Mush. Im gonna be gettin some sleep.

  Ya, is good idea.

  The NE wind stopped the next morning, followed by a warming trend and there was a late second Indian summer, prompting people to leave their homes, even unnecessarily, after having assumed they would be inside for the duration, not coming out except for food or drink until the spring thaw, but now everyone was out for what they knew to be the last time to enjoy just standing, or sitting, in the sun, enjoying its warmth even more than usual knowing that at any moment it might be the last moment of the year.

  Moishe and Bobby were among the people who were on the street enjoying the warm sunshine, enjoying the sudden and frantic activity on the streets.

  They continued strolling the streets, eventually ending up by the river shortly before sunset, enjoying the stillness of the air and the unseasonable warmth. Bobby and Moishe sat in silence for a few minutes, then Bobby turned to Moishe, You say you aint see Sol since you be gettin out the camp?

  Moishe nodded and smiled, Ya. The day we/re being liberated. Such a day—shaking his head—like you never see.

  Bet you guys are jumpin all up an down, eh?

  Moishe shook his head, a look of sadness on his face, No…only a few of us can stand….One morning we see the guards are gone and is everything open, but we cant move.

  You mean you just stay in the muthafuckin camp Mush?

  Only so few can move….And where we/re going????

  then we/re hearing a car and soon a jeep with 4 American soldiers is there. We just look and stare. Im thinking I want to go to them, maybe Im thinking I should be hugging them, I dont know, but Im not moving like no one else is moving. They stop in the middle of the compound and look…look at the pile of bodies and you can see theyre not believing what they see…or what they smell. Bobby, these are men who many, many years, are fighting, seeing so much blood, so much bodies, but they look at us and cry…ya…they cry and throw up. Men so long fighting, killing, and they cry and throw up. A few of us stagger out and they are afraid to touch us.

  No shit????

  Ya…I could see theyre wanting to touch us but afraid theyre hurting us O Bobby, Im still seeing so clearly this young man looking at me, tears all over his face, arms reaching and just laying his hand on my shoulder like Im a butterfly and hes not wanting to hurt me…just like—gesturing wi
th his hand, then touching Bobby on the shoulder—just like so and Im wanting to say something or cry but Im only looking and feeling on my shoulder his hand and all for ever Im not forgetting his face…tired, dirty, young but aged with so much pain, and the tears streaking his dusty face and its like Im seeing his heart beat in his eyes but Im not saying a word and its not till later, maybe days, Im realizing it was long time since Im saying a word…how many days Im not knowing, but many days. Maybe Im forgetting…maybe my throat is not knowing—shrugging—I dont know, but Im looking at his face and in his eyes and hes putting so light a hand on my shoulder and says…Komrade. Ya…hes saying Komrade and my heart is saying, Komrade, but out of my mouth is coming nothing, but Im seeing in his eyes he knows what my heart is saying…he knows Bobby…he knows….

  Moishe took a slow, deep breath and let it go….I dont know how long Im not seeing Sol. Finally we/re seeing each other and we/re just standing, looking…its almost like when Im looking at the soldier and Im not saying anything. So finally we/re hugging and crying and Im not knowing, even now, if we/re saying anything to each other. Maybe no. We/re hugging and then….

  An you aint be seeinim since?

  Moishe shook his head slowly, No. No more. Well, a couple of times Im dreaming of Sol, thats all. But not even that maybe ten years now.

  Ten years…sheeit, that be a long time.

  Ya—nodding his head—Is maybe ten years.

  Bobby looked at Moishe for a moment….An you be comin here?

  No. Is couple years later. We have more years of camps…DP camps.

  DP?

  Ya. Displaced Persons. Millions of people. All over Europe. No home. Family lost—shaking his head—Is terrible. So many people looking for families. Is such madness…so many records destroyed with bombings and millions of people looking for each other…millions. People try to help, but so many millions….I fill in forms, I answer questions and all the time Im hoping and afraid of hoping.

  Bobby looked at Moishe for a moment….Yeah, I can dig it. You be hopin for somethin an the world fuck withya.

  Moishe was silent for a moment, still hearing Bobbys words….Ya, Im afraid to hope. But I think, is it true Gertrude and Karl-Heinz can be alive???? So, anyway, we/re finding each other and there we are, the three of us…together…Karl-Heinz isnt knowing who I am, but Gertrude and I are knowing—laughing, Bobby shaking his head and smiling—And finally so many years later we/re together…almost 9 years.

  Alright!!!! Goddamn Mush, that be cool…yeah, right the fuck on bro.

  So things be pretty cool since then, eh? You an your family be swingin?

  Thats what Im thinking. So many years of such pain an misery like no one is knowing…but we/re together…thats enough pain for us an—

  Right on bro. I be withyall.

  Moishe smiled faintly and nodded his head, Ya, Im thinking enough. Then Karl-Heinz is dead and Im wondering can there really be a God…can this really be????

  silence…. Bobby staring at Moishe….Moishe shaking his head in bewilderment….We/re becoming citizens and celebrating, now we/re belonging someplace, now we have a country, our country. We/re so proud…so happy. Even my business, Im having a little store with MOISHE CONTRACTING on the window—wistful, nostalgic smile on his face, Bobby grinning—So again Im having my own business…and we even are having a willow tree….

  So…we/re becoming Americans—smiling at Bobby, eyes bright—we/re happy

  suddenly Moishe bent over, covering his face with his hands, O Bobby—his voice muffled, wet, his body twitching with a sob, silent, only the sound of his breath between his fingers, his body jerking periodically, Bobby staring wide eyed, leaning toward Moishe, his hands reaching out, his mind confused….

  eventually Moishe took his hands away from his face, Its not Im expecting no troubles, who can live without trouble…no pain? Life is life. But we/re thinking so much suffering and now we/re living a normal life, pain, ya, but….

  Moishe took a deep breath and closed his eyes and shook his head, How such a thing can happen. We/re not even knowing Vietnam. We hear sometimes on the radio, but wheres Vietnam? We/re not thinking, war, me and Gertrude, we/re thinking life, happiness…we work hard. Then Karl-Heinz is being drafted and still we/re not thinking something can happen. How can it? All thats in the past. We cant be again in the suffering—Moishes eyes pleading as he looks at Bobby—But we/re wrong…all is wrong and Karl-Heinz is dead. Gertrude is getting the telegram…2:37 in afternoon. After 6 Im coming home and shes sitting in chair, staring at wall and on floor is telegram and her arm is hanging like so…just like so…and inside me everything is big knot and pain like Im not knowing for so many years…like everything is gone…like heaven and earth gone…like air gone…like theres nothing just something so black and terrible inside and I see the telegram on the floor and I fall into chair and Im sitting, looking at Gertrude…Im not knowing how long Im sitting so, but is so dark Im only seeing Gertrude not clear and I lift her arm and hold her hand and kneel on the floor beside her…I dont know Bobby, maybe hours Im kneeling there holding her hand and Im not understanding, havent we suffered enough? Everything was ripped from our lives and we struggled to make a new life and now our only child is dead…dead. Troubles, yes, but not to bury our child. No. NO!!!! O Bobby I scream at god and tell him No, NO! But still after screaming we/re burying our child and all our tomorrows are in a box buried in the ground…just a box in the ground—shaking his head, staring at the ground, Bobby still leaning toward him, bewildered, confused, wanting to do something but able only to stare at him and feel like reaching to him—Im thinking there cant be a god. I have to think there cant be a god. If theres god what kind of god???? What kind of god is allowing this…is taking from us our child? And then Im thinking god is allowing the camps hes allowing our son to die. Theres a difference????

  The sun was almost completely set and the boats on the water had turned on their running lights and they were reflected in the water as were the lights from the buildings near the river. The sky was streaked with color that was disappearing into the dark blue that would soon be the evening sky. Moishe took another deep breath and raised his head, I dont know how long we/re not talking, me and Gertrude. Maybe only few words for days…whos knowing, maybe weeks—shrugging—who knows. Im thinking to kill myself, that Im not standing the pain. Is impossible to be living in this world. But Im killing myself and Gertrudes alone so somehow I live. For so long a time Im not working but friends are helping…bring food, hugging, talking…Here, eat a little soup—Moishes pain made Bobby speechless even though he felt so many things within him struggling to be said.

  Moishe and Bobby looked at each other with compassion, seeming to nod at each other though their heads were still….

  Ya….Ya…then again Gertrude is cooking…and Im working. Still we/re not talking much—shrugging—maybe little bit nothing talk, and I work I say nothing. Im doing the job and Im leaving….Ya, doing the job and Im leaving. But still is terrible thing inside just like in camp and Im remembering Sol but who Im wishing happy? Who Im pointing to and hating and wishing happy? Im sitting in my workshop, is maybe months later, Im wondering how long is this pain and Im realizing maybe forever….Ya, maybe is forever the pain, like before. So who Im wishing happy? I wish happy the president? the army? Im wishing happy Vietnam? Im beating my head with my fists and Im not knowing who to wish happy, I dont know even who to hate—shrugging and tossing his hand in the air—and all I hear is the sound of my fists on my head, over and over. Who knows again how long? I stop and Im seeing puddle of water on floor and realize Im crying. My face is wet and stiff and on floor is a puddle. Tears. All my tears. Achhh—bolting up and waving his arms—Time is again stopping and Im not knowing is late. I look at clock on wall Im thinking its saying 8 oclock, but—shrugs and shakes head—So Im telling myself I should go home. Inside Im knowing I should go home but Im feeling like Im tied to the chair, but I move, Bobby, I dont know how long to get up from chair
. Its like a horrible dream to get to the door, but I go home. Gertrude is frantic, all trembling, crying, Im not knowing what shes saying and shes hitting me and hugging me and Im dying inside and I hold her and shes calming down and Im wondering what is happening….Im even looking for a telegram, something….but soon shes only crying then shes looking at me and saying Im late. Ya, shes saying Im late and shes calling the store and Im not there and shes thinking something is happening to me and all of a sudden shes alone…O God, how terrible…shes feeling like Im dead and shes alone in a strange house in a foreign country, and she doesnt know what to do or who to call or where to go, shes just sitting trembling and crying being all alone and how shes going to bury now me and be coming home to here, this place and Bobby Im suddenly realizing how shes feeling, how everything inside is hollow and pain and shes so terrified O Bobby Im just holding her and kissing her and telling her I love her and Im knowing in my heart who to wish happy. Its only then Im knowing who I want should be happy…only then when Im seeing in her eyes the hand of death…ya, then I know…