The Willow Tree: A Novel

by Hubert Selby

  A sense of peace pervaded the apartment the following days, Bobby continuing his routine, Moishe his, Bobby spending hours each day with Moishe in the work shop, relaxed, enjoying fixing things Moishe kept in repair for old friends. One day Moishe gave him an old hot plate to fix and Bobby found the needed part in less than 2 minutes and they celebrated with high fives and a bowl of ice cream with chocolate sauce.

  That night they sat around the table talking for a while after dinner. Eventually Bobby looked at the clock and got up, I got to be goin out Mush.

  Moishe put a very strong effort into not allowing the sinking feeling in his gut to be reflected on his face, but could feel that he was failing, especially when he noticed he didnt put on his scarf.

  I got to see can I find my brother Jesse an see whats happenin—Moishe feeling a great relief as the churning knots in his gut seemed to flow away—You be cool Mush…an doan be fuckin up that puzzle. Bobby giggled and left.

  Moishe sat at the table for a moment listening to the thoughts rattling around in his head, then shook his head and got up, No, not tonight. No philosophizing. Tonight we/re a reader, we/re a worker, we/re a puzzle putter together, we/re a whatever, but we/re not a philosopher.

  The walk through the cellar to the street was like a decompression chamber, a chance to get used to the cold, without the wind, before going up on the street to be hit, literally, with the reality of the weather now that winter was closing in.

  When Bobby got up to the street he stood for a moment getting accustomed to the wind, standing straight, shoulders back, allowing the wind to hit his face and get as deep into him as possible before moving. He knew he had to stay alert and you cant do that if youre worried about being cold, or protecting yourself from the wind, so he stood there, breathing deeply and slowly, until he was able to breathe normally with the wind in his face, and not have to hunch over to protect himself just to breathe. No matter what came down he was always going to be at least one up on the spics.

  It seemed he walked further than usual before he started seeing people on the streets. Might be he was right, that the only people on the street in this weather be people who had to be there…dope fiens and thieves. Seem like everybody else be in a bar or home watching the tv. But the kids be out. They always be out on the street, never wanting to spend too much time in the house, always be out in the street running around an not hearing all those babies and kids yellin an screamin in the houses, either in your own apartment or everyone elses. Bad enough you got to be hearing all that noise in your own house, but when everyone else be screamin too it really be too much, an the streets the only place you can find some peace and quiet, as well as freedom, least aint nobody out in the street asking you to do this or do that. Better you be standing in a doorway with your friens, out of the wind trying to stay warm.

  Although he didnt think the spics would come to his hood, he still took his usual precautions and went to the roof of a building to look over the general area, then crossed the roofs in a haphazard pattern, but knowing where he was heading. After checking out the area for more than a few blocks beyond his turf, he went down to the street and slowly circled in on the area where Jesse hung out, going through buildings, cellars and alleys as usual.

  When he got to the candy store Jesse and his friends hung out in he did not look directly into the store, but from the side of his eyes and continued walking until he reached the corner then turned north and continued until he reached a building in the middle of the block then went in and up to the roof and walked back south west and sat on the roof, in the shadow of an abutment, impossible to be seen from anywhere except behind him, and he constantly checked over his shoulder, his ears always alert to any change in sound or feel of the breeze, or behavior of the pigeons who were always walking or flying around.

  The abutment blocked the wind, but sitting still was cold so from time to time he would stand and lean against the abutment, or squat, still in the shadows, putting his hands against his face to warm his nose and cheeks. He was doing a couple of slow squats to keep warm when he noticed Tomboy, Jesses number one man, going into the store. He stood still keeping alert and in a few minutes he saw Jesse coming down the street. He wasnt certain if Jesse and Tomboy were going to just hang out or go somewhere so he followed his instinct to rush down to the street right now in case Jesse and Tomboy were going to split right away.

  Bobby was in the doorway across from the candy store by the time Jesse pushed the door open and went in. Like everyone else he stopped right away and banged his body and blew on his hands to get warm, before going to the back where his friends were. Before Jesse could sit down, Bobby had gone to the pay phone in the liquor store next to where he was and called the candy store pay phone and when one of the kids picked up the phone he asked for Jesse. Jesse thought he was joking and at first didnt get up, but when the guy insisted he went to the phone booth and laughed into the phone, Yeah, sure, what you want sucker?

  Bobby spoke slowly, quietly and clearly, Dont be yellin out my name Jess.

  Bob—

  Now what the fuck I be sayin!

  Yeah, sure—closing the phone booth door, back to friends.

  How you doin?

  I be fine man. Where you at?

  Dont be makin no difference Jess.

  Hey, how you be knowin this number? You dont be hangin here.

  Hey, I make it my business to be knowin lots a things.

  Damn, that be slick bro.

  You okay though, right?

  Yeah. I be cool. Everybody cool.

  Whach you be hearin about them spics?

  Jesse started laughing then quickly stopped but continued chuckling, They be goin crazy bro. I hear they be callin you the phantom and be scared shitless. They really be fucked up.

  They dont bother you?

  Sheeit, they aint nowheres round here man, you know that.

  Jus checkin Jess. How the moms?

  She be cool bro, like always. But she be gettin a letter, hey, hey, you be writin the moms a letter? Yeah, I betcha you be writin, eh? I wonderin my ass off about that an it be you right enough I betchya.

  Bobby was grinning widely and chuckled but remained silent.

  Seem like she read it dozen times bro. Check it out, she doan know but I be seeiner puttin it under her pillow…damn, I was wonderin my ass off about that an it be you all the time, aint it? Sheeit, I know it be you.

  She like it then.

  Man, she jus sit there quiet seem like for hours, no yellin at no one, you dig?

  Bobby was nodding his head, Yeah….

  She sure enough dig it bro.

  Right on. Dont be tellin no one it be me on the phone, you dig?

  Hey….

  I gotta split.

  Damn, you be too much bro…muthafuckin phantom…sheeit! right the fuck on!

  I be talkin to you again Jess. Be cool.

  You righteous bro. You be right the fuck on righteous. Muthafuckin phantom…Jesse was giggling and shaking his head as Bobby hung up and stepped out the door an into the midst of the people walking the street, turning south at the corner and weaving his way home, smiling all the way.

  Bobbys mother sat by the window, looking at the street as she always did, seeing the lights and traffic, but unaware of anything in particular. Seemed like she spent most of her life sitting and looking out this window, freetime anyways. Most of the time the youngins be frettin over somethin, but right now they were quiet cept for some gigglin and stuff. She wonder how long her Bobby be gone? Long time seems like. But Jesse keep tellin her he be alright, but she dont be seein that for her ownself but he wrote her a letter an say he love her. Dont nobody ever be writin her that before. Some say it, but she knows what they be meanin. The youngins be sayin it, but this be the first time somebody be writin it…to her, an it be her Bobby who wrote it. She be readin the letter everytime there be no one hangin on her arm, an it be makin her face feel funny. She be wondering why until she realized she was smili
ng. She be likin that. She like how her face feel when she be smiling. Firs time it be hard, like her face dont know it can smile, like it be afraid. But eventually the smile came naturally to her face, and then she became aware of how nice it felt, sort of soothing, making her feel pretty, or at least reminding her of how she looked as a very young girl before Bobby was born, sort of free to dance around and spin, always wanting a wide skirt like in the old movies so she could twirl and have her skirt follow her like a large circle swishing through the air…it sure seemed like there was a time when she ran through the house as a little girl, barefooted on her tippy toes, feeling free and pretty, and sometimes just sitting on a chair, her feet still not reaching to the floor, and wiggling her toes, Lord, it seemed she be doing that for hours, just sitting there watching her toes wigglin and wonderin how all that happen, how she get her toes to wiggle like that? and it felt so good to just sit there wigglin those toes, but it seemed like all of a sudden she be looking at Bobbys itty-bitty toes and she dont be doin no more dancing or even thinking of twirling around and around, her big skirts swishing through the air, and maybe that be when her face forgot how to smile and her toes to wiggle, but she could sit here thinkin how her Bobby say he love her an her face be smilin an it feel good, an she could feel her toes wiggling and wanted to take a peak at them to see if they were the same old toes that used to wiggle, but must be because theys the only toes she ever had, and all these things going through her mind made her smile more and more, it all seemed so silly but that be fine too, anything that make her smile be fine cause it sure did feel good to feel her face smiling, an who cared anyway about the nonsense going through her mind, so she sat leaning over the back of the old, worn-out couch, looking down at the street, feeling her face smiling even more as she thought about when she be goin to bed how she take her Bobbys letter out from under her pillow an be readin it again fore she go to sleep.

  Moishe was in the workshop when Bobby returned, surprised he was back so soon, trying to continue to concentrate on what he was repairing, but his hands stopped moving and he leaned his head toward the door, listening to the sounds of Bobby taking off his jacket and hanging it up, straining to hear his footsteps, it seeming to take forever to determine what direction he was walking, then almost shouting when he realized Bobby was walking in his direction…and then it seemed like an eternity before he felt him beside him wanting desperately to see the expression on his face, yet frightened of what it might tell him so he just stood there trying to keep his hands moving and his eyes focused on them, remaining silent but after a couple of seconds his mouth started moving seemingly of its own accord, Youre seeing your brother?

  We be talkin.

  So, how he is?

  He be fine.

  Moishe sensed something coming from Bobby, and heard something in his voice, and turned and looked at him and something in him opened and blossomed and gave a long, happy sigh of relief when he saw the grin on Bobbys face, So….

  Bobby looked at him for a moment…You sure be workin a lot lately.

  Ya…is keeping me out of trouble.

  Bobby chuckled, Yeah, we got to be keepin you off the streets. You a bad dude Mush.

  Moishe smiled at Bobby, relief continuing to flow through him in waves, Ya, no woman is safe when Im on the loose.

  Right on Mush.

  They were silent for a moment, both looking at the appliance Moishe was working on.

  A grin was working its way into Bobbys smile, Jesse say the moms be gettin a letter.

  So????

  Yeah. He say she dig it.

  Moishe had to blink back tears of gratitude and was silent, just standing still for a moment, then nodded his head feeling as if his heart was overflowing.

  Check it out Mush, he say she dont be yellin for a while and be puttin it under her pillow…the letter.

  Eventually they looked at each other, smiling, grinning, nodding, eyes locked, staring, Moishe feeling warm, tender, and grateful; Bobby filled, again, with unfamiliar feelings, but somehow it was alright, he sort of felt connected with something…he knew he was feeling connected to Moishe, but it seemed like there was something else too, like he was a little bigger somehow, but he wasnt sure how. Eventually a few words came out of Bobbys mouth, You be wishin a lot, huh?

  Moishe shrugged, A long time Bobby.

  You be wishin for a whole lots a people, eh?

  Moishe looked at Bobby for a moment, smiling, In so many years—shrugging—whos knowing how many.

  They continued looking at each other and eventually Bobby picked up the appliance and looked at it for a moment then replaced it, Who that for?

  Ohhh, an old friend. Like everything, ya?

  Yeah—continuing to look at it, turning it a few inches this way a few inches that way.

  A few days later Moishe and Bobby were working and Moishe told Bobby he would be right back. Bobby continued working on the toaster Moishe had given him to repair. Eventually Moishe came back to the workshop, a grin running all around his face, not from ear to ear, but around his neck too. He started to say something, but giggled instead. Bobby looked at him and smiled, shaking his head, Damn Mush, I aint never seen a shit-eatin grin like you be havin on your face—Moishe chuckling, Bobby laughing, and Moishe tugging him by the arm and leading him to the kitchen. When they turned the corner and were able to see the table Bobby stopped and stared, bug eyed, Moishe looking at him grinning and glowing like he hadnt glowed in years, more light coming from Moishe than the candles on the cake. Finally Bobby turned and looked at Moishe, What the fuck be this Mush?

  Moishe had to concentrate to be able to speak, but finally the words came out of his mouth, Im thinking soon it must be your birthday, ya?

  Bobby thought for a second…Sheeit, guess so. Caint tell what day it be livin down here an all…no school or tv tellin what day it is.

  November 20…soon is thanksgiving.

  Well check that out. It be thanksgivin week, usually, 21st. Sheeit, that be tomorrow. How you be knowin that bro, I aint never said nothin?

  Moishes grin seemed to be growing every second as he shrugged, Whose knowing, I figure somehow. Fourteen?

  Bobby stared at Moishe for a moment, then looked at the cake and walked over to the table and counted the candles, Right the fuck on Mush, fourteen mutha fuckin candles. Damn!—shaking his head in complete wonderment—You be….

  Moishe picked up the cake and held it, So youre making a wish.

  What Im wishin for?

  Is your wish. Youre not telling me.

  Bobby stared at Moishe for a moment, then the cake, then back and forth a few times, then closed his eyes and tilted his head back and after a moment opened his eyes and looked at Moishe, Okay man, I wished.

  Good, now, youre blowing out the candles, ya?

  Bobby grinned and shook his head as he looked at Moishe, You be lookin like Santa Claus Mush—giggling, then taking a deep breath and blowing all the candles out in one sudden breath.

  So, Santa Claus is granting you wish—putting the cake on the table—Now youre sitting down.

  Bobby was so caught up in staring at the grin on Moishes face that it was a few moments before he noticed the party favors on the table. He looked at them for a moment, then back at Moishe who was sitting with a party hat on his head. Bobby stared for a moment then started laughing, laughing so hard he almost cried and lost his breath, Moishe pointing to the hat by Bobby and gesturing that he should put it on, the both of them laughing and shaking their heads, Moishe finally getting up and putting Bobbys hat on him and they sat at the kitchen table in an apartment under the streets of the abandoned and deserted south Bronx with party hats on their heads, laughing, shaking, twitching, pointing at each other and laughing harder, louder, blowing the paper horns with the unrolling paper and feather at the end at each other, leaning across the table tickling each others nose, tears dripping down their cheeks, popping the poppers and watching the streamers and confetti float through the air, gaspin
g for air, struggling to speak, Moishe pointing at Bobby and shaking and laughing and it went on and on until they both ran out of energy and fell back against their chairs and it seemed they were approaching a semblance of normality when Moishe started singing happy birthday, Bobby staring, amazed at first, then started laughing and his head fell, literally, on the table with a loud THUMP and that started a new round of laughter and finally Bobby grabbed his crotch with both hands and limped to the bathroom, laughing, shaking his head, and stumbling, losing his balance, uncertain he would get there without wetting his pants, and when he returned he plopped in his chair and tried to speak, but couldnt summon up the necessary energy and they both sat in silence and after a few minutes Moishe served them both ice cream then cut the cake. It was still many minutes before they could speak without bursting into uncontrolled laughter. Finally Bobby stopped chewing long enough to look at Moishe with the deepest of affection.

  They smiled at each other for a few minutes, then Moishe pushed a small gift-wrapped box across the table, Happy Birthday.

  Bobby stared at it for a moment, then looked at Moishe in disbelief, then picked up the box and looked at it, wondering what it was, glancing from time to time at Moishe who was smiling mischievously and bouncing up and down in his chair impatiently, expectantly, wanting to yell at Bobby to hurry up and open it, but remaining silent and savoring the expression on Bobbys face as he fondled the box, looking at it and Moishe, then slowly peeling the paper off and opening the box and staring at the computer/watch it contained, holding it carefully, lovingly, in his hands as if it were an offering of some kind, looking at it almost as a parent looks at a child there was so much awe, respect and affection in his expression…a long time elapsing before he could look at Moishe, but was still unable to speak, so he looked back at the watch cradled in the palms of his hands, feeling as if he had never seen anything so incredible, so miraculous in his life…as if he had been waiting all his life, or longer, for this gift and now that he finally had it, holding it in his hands was even more wonderful than the dream of having it…as if for the first time in his life the reality exceeded the expectation….