As soon as she’s within arm’s reach, I take her hand and pull her toward me, while my other hand skillfully unties her silk robe and pushes it off her just as she lands on my chest.
“Oh my God! Samuel!” she squeals and tries grabbing the towel underneath me.
“Stop fighting, shit I didn’t know you were totally nude,” I smile as my hands grasp her ass and pull her body closer.
“Well I am! Oh my God I’m going to kill you,” she growls as she still wiggles and tries to cover her exposed body.
“Why?”
“Why?” she growls.
“We have no neighbors behind us,” I say calmly, “the chick next door is dead I swear, and Paul isn’t looking at you.”
Her eyes dart all around still, and I cup her face, “Just be naked outside with me, fuck what anyone thinks, who cares, just be with me,” I tell her.
“But you’re not naked,” she whispers.
With a roll of my eyes and my hands on her biceps urging her to sit, I stand as she grabs the towel that I was laying on and covers herself. With my back to her, I bend over and pull my briefs down, standing back up and giving Paul a wink. Not waiting for his reaction before turning to face my wife, arms out stretched in a proud flaunt.
“You’re insane,” she smiles with a shake of her head.
“Only for you,” I tell her, leaning down and pulling the towel away from her.
Pulling her up, she straddles my hips and lays us back, letting the sun bathe us as we bathe one another in kisses.
“I love you,” she whispers in my ear as she kisses my neck.
Holy shit. My hands run up her back as I grasp her face and bring us nose to nose.
“Say that again,” I tell her. “I want to remember your face when you say this to me.”
Without hesitation, she says it again, “I love you Samuel.”
I smile and run my thumb along her lips, drinking in her beauty, her body against mine, the words I’ve been waiting to hear from her this whole time. I knew she loved me before she said it. But I think she needed that security and time to know I wasn’t going anywhere before she finally admitted it to me. With her saying this, she was giving me a power she knew I could potentially use to hurt her. My heart was so fucking full, close to damn near exploding with the feeling and the knowing that she did love me.
“I knew it,” I state and she drops her forehead to my chest.
8
Smokey
**Two years later**
I leave work early after getting off the phone with Emily. Even though she says she’s okay, I know she isn’t. My boss is cool and didn’t care I was heading out, even if he wasn’t, my wife’s more important than some mechanic job I can find anywhere. Pulling my truck into the driveway, I make my way inside the house through the garage. The television is on but she’s not in the living room, or in the kitchen as I peek around the corner. Heading up the steps, I figure she’s in our bedroom, and when I push the door open she’s sitting on the edge of the bed with her back to the door.
“Em,” I say quietly.
Her head turns to face me and she wipes her face as her lower lip trembles and she walks toward me. I open my arms and wrap around her as she hugs me and shakily hiccups.
“I really thought I was this time, I don’t know why I get so hopeful or why I’m so upset.”
“Because you want a baby,” I tell her, resting my hand on the back of her head.
There’s nothing more that I wish I could do. We want kids so badly, but I try not to pressure her with what I want, so often I almost pretend it doesn’t get my hopes up when she tells me her period’s late, or she feels off. We have an appointment with a fertility specialist next week, one Emily was going to cancel when she told me a few weeks ago she missed her period again.
“I should just stop even trying for one, it’s clearly not going to happen.”
I pull back and look down at her.
“Quit?” I asked with raised brows. “Not my wife, how else are you going to gift the world with my spawn?
She lets out a small laugh and sniffles.
“Don’t give up, it’ll happen when it’s supposed to,” I say rubbing her back. “Besides, tomorrow you graduate. No more school, more time with me, what’s not to be excited about?”
She nods her head and looks up at me, blinking her big brown wet eyes. My thumbs swipe away her tears as I cup her face.
“Promise me, whatever happens with having kids, that it won’t be a deal breaker,” she says.
I’ve told her this before, that if fertility doesn’t work, we can try every option available to have kids. Crossing my heart with my fingers, “I promise,” I say, before leaning in and kissing her forehead.
**
The visit to the fertility clinic was nerve racking. Not only because I can’t tell you the last time I was in a doctor’s office, but because I was dreading they would tell Emily there was no chance of kids or something. In my head, I just kept repeating, ‘make this be good news, make this be good news.’ But I prepared for afterward if it wasn’t good news, prepared for Emily to be devastated. There’s nothing I hate more than to see my wife upset, it makes me go crazy inside, that need to help someone when you can’t really help them at all.
Emily goes back to see the doctor before me, she’s already had the exam last week and this is to review her results. It seems like forever before I’m called back by a nurse and guided to an office. Emily’s sitting in front of a large desk where a woman sits wearing a white lab jacket across from her. Emily’s wiping her nose with a tissue and looks up at me, giving me a smile I can’t read. Sitting down in the chair beside her, my hands are on hers as I try to figure out what’s going on.
“Mr. Ramirez,” the doctor says, smiling and looking down at some papers on her desk.
Please let it be my sperm and not her insides.
“After reviewing your wife’s exam results, I’ve concluded your wife has a lot of scar tissue from cysts and I want to perform a procedure. Because the scar tissue isn’t extensive, I also want to start a round of IVF.”
I look between the doctor and Emily, because I have no idea what all that means.
“She wants to start me on medication to help the process,” Emily tells me, looking at me hopefully.
“But you said procedure, what’s the procedure?” I ask.
“It’s outpatient, where I basically go inside through the vagina and remove all the scar tissue, it’s none invasive-”
“I don’t think they even knock me out fully,” Emily adds, running her thumb along her name tattooed on my ring finger. “ And I can go home right afterward.”
The medical talk has my heart pounding, bringing up memories of when my mom was sick. I barely understood what she was going through, but this, I have no clue.
“If that’s what you wanna do,” I finally say, looking at Emily.
“I do…but, there’s something else-”
“The cost of the IVF is not cheap, and Emily mentioned you don’t have insurance,” the doctor says.
“I got it, I have the money,” I say admittedly.
Not sure how much this is going to be, I still have my house I can sell and Sven can always front me the money. But if I do get the money from Sven, that means I’ll have to go on some jobs.
“You mean it?” Emily says.
She looks so hopeful and about ready to burst.
“Of course, Emily, I’d do anything,” I tell her, squeezing her hand.
9
Smokey
I sold the house in Plantain, and took on more hours at the collision shop, but still, the shit was expensive. Emily was working as a waitress at a restaurant on The Strip, and I didn't want her too busy because the doctor said being tired and doing too much wouldn't help her get pregnant. But a few months into the shots and after Emily's procedure, money was dwindling and fast. Emily’s dream of starting her landscaping business was on hold since we had no money, and that
pissed me off too. I should be able to provide for my wife, she shouldn’t have to worry about money or know about expenses, but she did.
It took me a few days to call Sven. I felt so guilty that I needed to do this, that Emily would be pissed if she ever found out. But we needed the money I wasn't making. I explained to Sven that I needed some quick jobs, nothing too far and as soon as possible. He of course had something lined up for me the next day.
It was an odd sensation being back on my bike, being Smokey again. It was even weirder to meet up with Chain and Boo-Boo. It was like being in a memory or something. The entire drive out on runs, I just kept telling myself it was for Emily, that no matter the outcome, it's all for her. I made sure to do the jobs when she was working evening or night shifts and I always went to visit her for a cup of coffee when I got back. With the struggle inside me on what the fuck I was doing, I'd just see her face and everything came into focus. When she'd talk about how the shots should be working soon, how she felt like this cycle was really going to work, I knew I was doing the right thing.
I walk up behind Emily at the door one morning, she’s holding it partially closed and speaking in a low tone to someone on the porch.
“What are you even doing here? You need money or something?” she asks.
“I missed you, sweet girl-”
“Oh please, and don’t call me that,” she tells the man defiantly.
I press my chest against her back and get a look at who she’s talking to.
“Come on, Emily,” a man says, then stops as he looks up at me, smiling with recognition.
FUCK.
“Smokey, how the hell have you been?”
Emily looks over her shoulder at me, her brows pinched.
“No, you must have me mistaken for someone else.”
Emily looks back at the guy I know as Pauley, and give him a quick shake of my head.
“How’s shit in Plantain, man? I haven’t been over there in years,” he says, ignoring my eyes urging him to shut the fuck up.
Emily turns her body so she’s sideways between us and can see us both. She’s looking up at me with an expression on her face I can only describe as terrified.
“You know my dad?” she asks as her eyes brim with tears.
“I don’t know who this guy is,” I tell her, kicking myself for the obvious lie, “Emily, I swear-”
I do know Pauley but had no fucking idea he’s her dad.
“You still got that sweet ride? Your bike was something I envied, man,” Pauley says.
“Em-”
“What’s he talking about?” she asks me, her voice a little firmer now.
“Smokey’s a fuckin’ badass, he’s a member of Warrior of the Gods, man, what a small world,” Pauley says shaking his head.
Small fucking world indeed.
“You…you’re in a club?”
Emily’s body’s tense, her chest heaving as she keeps taking deep breaths before pushing them out.
“Fuck yeah he’s in a club,” Pauley laughs.
“Shut the fuck up,” I shout at him as Emily pushes past me.
“Baby where you going?” Pauley asks just before I slam the door on him.
“Emily,” I say as I follow her, “let me explain.”
She rushes up the stairs and into our bedroom, pacing back and forth alongside the bed and wringing her hands.
“Just tell me, was he telling the truth?” she asks.
I exhale and put my hands on my hips, knowing she’s going to be pissed but I have to tell her, it’s finally time it all came to light. Stopping her frantic pacing, she asks again as she faces me, tears brimming her eyes.
“Is it true? Just tell me.” she whispers.
With my heart cracking, and my throat tight, I inhale deeply before answering.
“Yes.”
Her nostrils flare as her lower lip quivers and she nods her head once.
“Emily,” I breathe out as I walk closer, unsure of how to explain or even make right what I’ve been lying about for so long now.
Her jaw tightens, her eyes hardening. “Get out,” she tells me.
“Emily,” I growl as she pushes my chest and walks over to the closet.
She grabs a bag from the floor and moves to the dresser, opening the drawers while shoving her clothes into it.
“Emily, stop, please talk to me about this,” I say, trying to stop her hands by grabbing the clothes.
She pulls the clothes back and we tug of war them before I let go and she throws them and the bag at me.
“No! You’ve had years to talk to me, and you fuckin didn’t! Now the shits exploded in your face and you want to talk!” she yells as she storms out of the bedroom and back down the stairs.
“I know, I fucked up, but shit, it’s not that big of a deal,” I explain.
She stops when she reaches the kitchen island, and I hold my breath, waiting for her to speak.
“Not a big deal?” she asks, her tone hard and unlike I’ve ever heard come from her.
“Emily,” I repeat.
She starts shaking her head, her trembling hands reaching out for her purse and car keys.
“I should’ve known something was wrong, the universe tried telling me when I can’t get pregnant, I should’ve known.”
“Emily,” I say more calmly as she begins for the front door, and then pauses. “Please, don’t leave pissed, just take a breath and talk to me,” I plead.
After a long moment, she turns to face me, tears streaming down her cheeks and my heart cracks.
“The one thing you could’ve been that I hate most…and you are,” she sighs.
“Jesus, that’s a bit harsh,” I spit out.
“Harsh?” she asks with a humorless laugh. “No, Smokey, harsh is marrying someone who’ve you’ve not been honest with, that’s harsh.”
“I know, I know,” I stammer, her hand moving to the handle of the door and I drop to my knees. “Please don’t fucking leave, please Emily, I’m begging you…I love you,” I pause, “I love you so fucking much, please, I’ll do anything…” my voice trails off as tears clog my eyes and my voice won’t come out anymore.
“If you love me at all, you won’t be here when I get back,” she tells me, opening the door and leaving.
10
Smokey
It’s been four days since Emily told me to leave, and I guess it’s fair to say that I’ve hit rock bottom. I’m sleeping in my truck in a parking lot a few blocks over from Emily’s house, and have been for a few days now. I was stunned when she reacted so strongly, not wanting to talk then or even just go and blow off some steam and then talk. I know I fucked up, and I knew Emily would eventually want to talk, so the first few days I went to her work at the restaurant. As soon as she saw me, her eyes narrowed and she switched sections with another waitress. She changed the locks on the doors at the house, the garage password, even got her job back at the casino. I think the casino gig was to avoid being at home where I would sit on the front porch or park out front in my truck. I never approached her or did anything creepy, I just wanted to make sure she was safe and there if she woke up one day and decided she wanted me back.
There wasn’t much money left, but I made payments on her IVF I still owed, forgoing a hotel room. But I saved a little for alcohol, my go to pain eraser. I’m starting to feel like she won’t ever forgive me, or she can’t forgive me for what I did. One night I’m at the casino and I decide it’s now or never to talk to her, but before I can even approach her, the man at the velvet rope puts his hand on my chest and calls security. I call her name and as her head pops up, I see there’s a flash of excitement in her eyes. I think she starts for me, leaving her table in a rush, but I’m literally being man handled out the doors and don’t know if my brain’s making that part up. The guards escort me to my bike, not allowing me to wait to see if she was really coming after me.
Driving to the house, I grab a receipt in my glove box and a pen and scribble down the words o
f a broken man. My eyes fill with tears and a few drop onto the waxy paper as I tell her I love her and even though she might not think that right now, I’ve never loved anyone like I love her.
With shaky hands, I slide the note under the door and sit with my back against the wood for a long while, getting myself together to drive, but I know once I leave here I won’t ever be back. When I finally get my shit together, I drive to the liquor store, spend the rest of my money on a few bottles of tequila and drive to a secluded parking lot. I down one bottle in less than an hour and don’t remember shit after that until Sven’s there, pulling me out of the truck and sitting me up in the passenger seat. Boo-Boo and Chains voices are there too but I can’t keep my eyes open.
“What,” I burp, “are you doing here?” I slur.
“You called me from the payphone inside the store,” Sven says as he fires up my truck.
“I love her,” I ramble before passing out.
**
I’ve been back in Plantain for almost a week, drinking is all I do…and passing out. Part of me is gone, irreparably damaged, rotted and sadness is stuck to me like a cancer. I never knew loving someone so much would make you want to just leave everything because they weren’t there anymore. When my dad left, I felt ashamed and to blame, but nothing like this. When my mom died, we’d talked so many times about her leaving, that I was semi-prepared, heartbroken but knew the pain would pass. But this feeling this will never pass. The pain and heart ache is so bad, I drink as soon as I wake up so I don’t have to feel it when it decides to drop on me at any moment.
Sven took me back into the club no questions, giving me an apartment. Other than people saying they’re happy I’m back, they all seem to be allowing me some space. No one knows what happened, or about Emily, they just know something’s happened and I’m a fucking mess. I’m waiting for the intervention from Sven and the guys soon though, it’s inevitable. But something unexpected happens to me one night that helps change my way of thinking. Well more someone. I’d met Joey’s new wife Katie, well never formally, but I’d seen her, and been wasted every time. There’s something about her that’s disarming and honest and good. Joey’s just left for military boot camp, and I see her sitting at the bar in the clubhouse when something inside my head tells me to go talk to her. Emily instantly pops into my head and her universe talk, how people come into our lives at certain times and shit. Me and Katie talk and I end up spilling my guts about Emily for the first time to anyone. I tinker with the truth because it’s easier than telling the absolute truth. She listens to me, and even though I think I sound like an asshole, or that she’ll tell me as much, she asks me why I’m not trying to get her back.
Too Close: Plantain Series Novella Page 6