Katie plants the seed, I need to stop trying to ignore how my heart hurts and instead get my shit together and go get my wife. I stop by Chain and Gwen’s house, Katie’s in-laws, which is where she lives, one week day afternoon. She’s shocked when she sees me, but opens the door and allows me inside. We sit at the kitchen table where she gives me a cup of coffee.
“Remember when I told you I went into debt because of gambling…that wasn’t exactly true, I mean, I gambled but just not at the casino,” I say.
“No?”
“We tried having a baby, and…she had to start getting shots and stuff, that’s why I’m broke.”
“Okay,” she says looking confused.
“I know it doesn’t seem important, the details, but I’ve decided not to lie anymore, even if it’s not important or maybe means nothing. I’d do anything to get her back and I want you to help me,” I say.
She raises her brows.
“I mean, if you would,” I reword.
**
“So, what am I telling her?” Katie asks for the tenth time as we drive on the freeway toward the Vegas lights.
“You just sit down at the counter and talk to her, there won’t be many people there at this time. Tell her you’re new to Vegas and don’t know the place.”
Katie looks at me, her eyes unsure.
“I don’t like lying, Smokey,” she sighs.
“It’s not lying, you tell her about Joey being gone, how much you miss him and it’ll make her think of me, come on.”
I sit up straighter as I see the lights come into sight and find myself pressing the gas a little harder.
“Smokey,” Katie comments as we pick up speed.
“Sorry, I’m just excited, I haven’t seen her in so fucking long,” I say, pressing my palm over my heart in an effort to ease the pain.
The diner comes into view and I stop just at the corner to let Katie out, she looks around unsure as she grabs her purse.
“I’ll watch you, make sure you get in okay, little thing,” I nod.
She gives me one more look before exiting the Mustang I borrowed from Maven, since Emily knows my truck. I watch as Katie walks the darkened sidewalk to the brightly lit diner and I then pull into the lot, backing into a spot so I can see inside. Thankfully the place is lined with windows and I make sure the cars in park before I search for Emily. Like my eyes know to find her instantly, there she is. She looks pale, her hair up on top of her head, and she’s cut her bangs which hang down in her eyes. I was right, there’s not many patrons inside because this is just before the time when all the drunk club goers flood in.
Katie stands by the door and I can see Emily look up, smiling as she greets her and points over to a section for her to sit. I can’t tell what they say as Katie walks to the booth and Emily grabs a menu and the pot of coffee. I can’t explain what seeing her does, how it lights me up and hurts me all in one moment. I breathe deeply and reach into the pocket of my jacket, pulling out the straw ring I gave Emily the night we got married. I’d since replaced it with a silver band, but I hung onto this for some reason. My fingers toy with the object as Emily walks over to Katie’s table and I curse myself for not asking Chilly to wire Katie so I could hear what the fuck they were saying.
Katie starts talking and I see Emily’s expression change, her face dropping as her brows furrow and I start panicking, what the fuck is Katie telling her. Then, Katie turns her head toward me and points her finger at the car, Emily’s eyes following.
“Shit,” I growl and try to sink down in the seat.
Emily looks back at Katie and sets the coffee on the table, before sitting at the end of the booth across from her. Katie’s talking and Emily’s looking at her, but I can’t tell by her expression what the fuck is actually being said or how Emily’s feeling about it. I’m moments away from going in there, fucking crawling on broken glass if I have to, just to get Emily back. Just then, people start walking up from the street and into the diner, and pretty soon I can’t see either woman. My nerves are at a hundred, my heart pounding. Then I see Katie coming out of the diner and toward the car. My eyes follow her until she opens the door and sits beside me.
“Well?” I ask after a few moments of her not speaking.
“She said she’ll think about it,” Katie replies.
“Think about-what did you say? What happened to the plan?”
“I told her I was here with you, I just couldn’t lie-”
I groan and rest my head back on the seat.
“I told her how you left the club for a long time after you got together, and that you only joined to get money for the IVF, and for her business,” Katie shrugs.
“Fuck,” I sigh.
“What?” she asks.
“Now she’s going to think this is her fault, like I didn’t tell you I didn’t tell her I was in the MC to begin with and that I had to go back in for her.”
“But,” Katie stops, furrowing her brows, “you did go back in for her,” she says.
I put the car in gear and pull out of the parking lot, my mind racing with dread, and even though Emily says she’ll think about it, I know she’s stubborn as fuck and probably has already made her mind up. I mean, it’s not like she’s tried to find me. But then I remember her face, when Katie pointed out the window, knowing I was out there, she didn’t look pissed or mad…just lost.
“You want me to stop for food or something before we head back?” I ask.
“Are you mad at me?” Katie asks a moment later.
“No, no…I’m the one that fucked up, you did great,” I say, not looking at her but meaning my words.
“She said she missed you, asked how you were doing,” Katie says.
I grunt in response.
“I told her you were a mess, all you do is drink and that when you talk to me about her, it’s the only time I see an ounce of happiness in you.”
Stopping at a red light, I inhale deeply and look over at Katie. She gives me a small smile and takes my hand.
“Be positive,” she tells me.
11
Smokey
The drinking’s gotten worse, the blacking out, and I just want to end this fucking agony. It’s been two days since I saw Emily at the diner, and in those two days I’ve barely made it out of my club apartment, calling the main room from the bedside phone and telling a prospect to bring me more booze. The life I had with Emily is a distant dream, so dreamlike sometimes I forget it even happened at all. When I start thinking back to that time, I can’t help but break down, talking to my mom and apologizing to her for being such a fuck-up. The one good thing I had in my life and I let a stupid fucking lie ruin it all. I could kick my own ass for being so stupid, for fucking up so badly. I guess it’s good we didn’t have kids together, because this would be even more unbearable. All I ever wanted was a family, and Emily was everything I needed. I like to think I was that to her also, but clearly not. She easily just forgot me like I meant nothing to her.
I’m sitting on my bed, running my hand over my shaved head that Katie did for me the other day. I’m waiting for a prospect to bring me something to drink, when there’s a knock at my door.
“Yeah?” I rasp out. “Just put it on the bed,” I say as the door opens.
When nothing happens, or I think it did and I didn’t hear it and my head starts to trip a little, I open my eyes and look up.
Instantly the air in my lungs explodes past my lips, my senses not knowing what the fuck when I see Emily standing there. She’s in a little flowery dress with her shoulders and legs exposed. My chest aches and heaves as I want to touch her so bad, feel her warmth and comfort. But her eyes look down at me in pity, and I remember the situation and how I must look. Her eyes glance around the room, trashed from when I get angry about us and broke pretty much everything.
“Nice isn’t it?” I ask with a chuckle.
“No,” she states, “it’s pathetic,” she spits.
“That’s me, a pathetic waste.
”
“How did you find me?” I ask, clearing my throat after an awkward moment of silence.
“Katie told me, we’d exchanged numbers.”
I look down, my fingers toying with the straw. There’s so many things I wanted to say when I dreamed about the day we’d be face to face again, but my mind is mush.
“There’s one thing I wanna know,” she finally says.
Looking up at her, I wait for her to speak again. Opening her mouth, she closes it and I see her eyes begin to water as she swallows.
“Why did you lie to me?”
I shake my head and smile because this is an easy answer.
“Because I’m an idiot okay? I do stupid shit I can’t explain why.”
“No,” she says stepping closer. “You don’t get the easy answer, Samuel, I want to know why in the almost three years together you never worked up the nerve to tell me the truth.”
“I lied on purpose in the beginning because I liked the way you made me feel,” I state, but stop when the words get caught in my throat. “I just wanted that for a little while…you make my head calm down, I stop thinking about everything but how I could make you happy…it made me feel good to be someone’s rock again…that’s why I lied, Emily,” I sigh.
“Samuel,” Emily says then pauses. “I forgave you for everything when we got married, anything you could do or would do in the future, that’s what marriage is. I was being a brat and letting stuff from my past get the better of me. I wanted you to suffer, okay? Because I wanted my dad to suffer.”
Her words piss me off, a brat? That she easily forgave me when I was over here torturing myself.
“Fuck you,” I state.
“What?” she asks, eyes wide.
“I said, fuck you!” I repeat, standing.
“Me? Why?!”
“Because you should've never married me if you weren't going to take it seriously...you act like you had some little kid tantrum, trying to prove you were pissed or something, well I understood that the first day! But you made me fucking stalk you and beg you, for what? Some pride shit? You wanted me to suffer, well I fucking did!”
I’ve walked right to her without realizing it, my heaving breaths blowing the hair away from her face we’re so close.
“Samuel,” she whispers.
“No! Ever since the moment we first talked, you invaded every ounce of me. You’re all I can ever think about, I left my club for you, changed my life because I thought you wanted to be with me. But that was bullshit, huh?”
“I just want you to be a normal person, with a normal life and a normal job-”
“But I'm not a normal person! Working at the shop is fine, but it doesn’t support us, or get you the business you want to open. My brain is too fucked up to work a good legit job and make money, my brains always doing shit and thinking shit I don't want and the only way to make it stop is to drink myself to passing out...or be with you.”
“But you weren’t really with me to begin with if I didn’t even know who you really are,” she says right back in my face, nostrils flaring.
“Oh please-” I begin.
“Did you wanna have kids with me? Or was that just something you thought would make me happy?”
As she says this, her resolve wavers and I can see that my answer will break her if it’s what she thinks I’m going to say.
“When my dad left, I felt like I wasn't good enough. I couldn't concentrate in school, I could barely read...he left because I was fucking dumb, Emily. All I ever wanted was a family, one that didn't give a fuck about anything but being a family. Even if our kids were like me, I’d love them with all my heart.”
My voice breaks and I feel a flood of emotion come rushing at me, shit I’ve never voiced before, and Emily covers her mouth with her hand as the tears spill over her cheeks. I can’t take it anymore, seeing her like this, being so close but not touching her. My hands cup her face, and her big eyes blink up at me.
“That's what the club is for me. Sven's proud of me, and cares about me more than my dad ever did...I can't give up the only thing that got me through all the loss and rejection,” I sigh.
Her brows furrow in confusion, and even though it breaks my heart to say this, I have to because I can’t lie anymore.
“I know you don't want me to be involved in this shit, but I am. I tried to stop, but I couldn't fucking do it. I love you, but I'd never ask you to change anything for me...I'm not your dad, I want to be your husband. But I get it if this isn't the life you want and it wouldn’t be fair to have you resent me while we're together…the club is what I do...I'm sorry Emily.”
She sniffles and puts her hands over mine, her eyes closing and I lean in to rest my forehead against hers. I breathe her in, knowing this will be the last time we’re together.
“You don’t need to be sorry,” she finally whispers. “I told you I forgave you before we got married. I love you no matter what you do…I’m not happy about it, but it’s not about me, it’s about you being happy and us being together. I would never ask you to give anything up for me, never.”
I lift my head and look down at her, her words hitting my soul and making my heart spark with something I haven’t felt since she left me.
“I’ll take you any way I can, so if being in the MC is what you want…I love you too much to let something like that get in between us,” she tells me.
Before she can even finish the words, I’m kissing her, stopping her words with my mouth as I grab her by the hips. My tongue overtakes her as my need for her and to make this shit right is all I want right now. Then, we’re pulling at our clothes, my shirt whipping off above my head as she pulls the top of her dress down and her tits fall out. My hands grab them hard and she moans as her fingers pull at my belt and then my jean’s button. Before she can take my cock out, I turn her in my arms and kiss her neck, her head falling back onto my shoulder, my hands still groping her tits as I walk us toward the bed. With one hand moving to the back of her neck, I force her to bend over as my other hand moves under her skirt, feeling nothing but bare skin. I groan and push my cock against her ass, then lift her skirt up and spank her fucking perfect cheek. The skin jiggles and turns rosy, her back arching as I take my cock and spread her ass and thighs apart, sinking in. We both groan and Emily cries out, her body instantly moving back against my thrusts, her elbows buckling. I lean over her and press my body against hers, fucking her hard and fast, needing to claim my family again and just letting my instincts take over.
“I want to see you,” she tells me through broken whimpers, and I realize that yes, I need to claim her, but this is so much more than that.
Lifting her up, I kiss her neck and turn her to face me. Urging her to sit on the bed, scooting up toward the pillows. Her eyes look at me so deeply, like she’s reminding my soul that it’s mate is here. Slowly, I kiss her, positioning us as she lays back and I situate myself between her parted legs. I feel like I haven’t ever kissed her like this before, I haven’t ever kissed anyone like this before. Giving her everything of me, my heart, my soul, my being, it’s all hers. We make love. Love. Slow, unhurried and unrushed love. The love that will last us until we die. The love that will make a baby one day. The love that I know I can’t and won’t ever lose again. Her panting grows quicker, her nails digging into my ass as she eventually begins coaxing me harder and faster. She wraps herself around me as I bring my arms around her torso, laying over her as my hips piston. I press my face into her cheek and whisper to her how much I love her into her ear.
“I love you, only you,” she chants back in response.
Only moments later, we’re coming, and a sob tears from my chest as I feel the weight of a million pounds lift off me. Cupping my face, she inhales deeply, tracks of tears glistening along her temples, and bringing me back to life. Rolling off her, I crash onto the bed and raise my arms above my head, until Emily slides over and rests her body against mine. Lowering my arms around her, I hear her sniffle over my heavi
ng breaths and look down.
“Did I hurt you?” I ask.
“No,” she states. “I never meant for what happened to go on so long, not talking. But…I thought I was pregnant again, and then when my dad came to the door and I found out about you…” she stops and inhales deeply. “I’d wanted to tell you when I took a test and it was positive, we were so happy and everything was going good, I didn’t want to get your hopes up. But my emotions were like a rollercoaster on crack with the shots, I didn’t know what to do, and me leaving instead of talking was my mistake…I just drove around thinking, could I bring a baby into our lives just to have you come and go as you please? Like my dad did?” She breathes heavily again and my chest hurts from her words. “When I made it past the first trimester, I’d decided it was time to grow up and tell you…that we could talk. But that night, you got kicked out of the casino-”
“You got me kicked out,” I state.
“Yes.” she sighs, “I’d told the bouncer the night I left you that I didn’t want to see you and that if you showed up he needed to kick you out. I told you, my emotions were jacked from the hormones…when I saw you being ushered out I went after you.”
I sigh and nod for her to continue, pissed at how all this shit could’ve ended then.
“I went after you after I found someone to take over my table, but you were gone. Then you left that note, but you weren’t at the house. I drove around looking, but I didn’t see you. I didn’t have a number for you in Plantain, so I called around trying to find you, but no one knew you were married so I think they all thought I was prying or something.”
Too Close: Plantain Series Novella Page 7