Gwen Hayes

by Ours is Just a Little Sorrow

  Neither of us wanted to find love, not with each other, not with anyone else. I would never trust that love could last, and Gideon would sabotage anything good that came his way.

  But really, amidst all the tragedies of a dying planet and one struggling to regain its humanity, ours was just a little sorrow.

  INSTEAD OF disappearing into his world of shadows after our night of intimacy, as I'd expected he would, Gideon surprised me by spending even more time at Thornfield. I didn't know what to make of his decision, but his constant presence kept me in perpetual arousal, despite that he never returned to my chambers.

  He'd always been too intimate with me, but his teasing had new meaning now. When he stood too close, I ached for his arms. When he stared at my lips, I longed for another kiss. When he slipped a double entendre into dinner conversation, a visceral memory of his naked body against mine would paint a blush over my cheeks.

  And, so, in the interest of making him as miserable, I began devising Gideon's torment.

  One morning, as he joined us for breakfast, I toed my slipper off and ran my foot up and down his leg. He sputtered into his coffee and raised a brow. I returned with an arch of my own and stared at his lips. A far away gazed overtook him, as if he were reliving a pleasant memory. To taunt him further, my tongue peeked out for a quick slide over my lips, wetting them.

  A small groan escaped him.

  "Are you alright, Gid?" John asked.

  "A bit of a headache is all," he replied as his breakfast plate suddenly became so interesting he dare not raise his eyes from it.

  "That's what you deserved for drinking as much as you do," the Colonel said, not looking up from his PEAD.

  Gideon's face fell. He'd been home for several nights in a row now, dining with the family, playing cards with John and Oliver before retiring at an appropriate time. His father barely noticed his presence and yet damned him for his past behavior even when he was not out carousing.

  My heart ached for him, for his emotional angst played over his face before he replaced it with his usual sardonic mask. He desperately wanted his father's approval, though he'd never admit such a thing and would never dare court the approval with action.

  John, sensing the downturned mood, began a conversation about the weather, but Gideon excused himself anyway.

  The Colonel slammed his hand on the table after a few more minutes of reading from his PEAD.

  "The rabble rousers again, Colonel?" I asked, in an effort to be polite.

  "Miss Merriweather, if I wished to discuss politics with the governess, I would have hired a man," he shot back at me with a somewhat surprising amount of venom.

  "Yes, sir." I stared at my plate while the heat of humiliation scored me within. As it was customary for me to take solitary walks after breakfast, I was able to exit a few moments after without causing suspicion.

  I found Gideon in the stables. Despite the winter chill, the stable was warm. Gideon had removed his jacket and undone the top fasteners of his shirt. Instead of announcing my presence, I watched him work for a few moments, reveling in the grace and economy of his unhurried, fluid movements as he groomed his horse.

  "You're being curiously quiet, sprite," he said, though his back was to me.

  I should have known there was no sneaking up on the hunter. I stepped further into the barn. "I didn't want to disturb you."

  He turned to look at me then, and my pulse raced at the sight of his exposed neck, somehow tan against the white of his lawn shirt despite the vampire hours he usually kept. I wanted to kiss his skin, the spot where I knew I could make him tremble.

  "You seemed very much set on disturbing me earlier. You were very close to becoming my personal buffet at the breakfast table, propriety be damned."

  I strolled in, conscious of his wary stare. He joked, but he was hurting. Like so many women, I guess I wasn't immune to the siren call of a man in pain. It summoned me in its gravitational pull, entreating me to balm his wounds and nurse his heart.

  "You haven't been back to my room. I thought maybe my charms were lost on you."

  He huffed, not a real laugh, but closer. "It's been killing me to stay away."

  I stood very close to him, close enough to touch him, and yet I did not. "I would welcome you." It was a simple statement, and yet, it felt as if the words contained every hope and fear I owned.

  He set the brush on the rail and devoted his full attention to me. He then hesitated until my hands found their way to my hips, and I was about to reach for a very unladylike tirade. Putting his hand over my lips, he started, "I was very careless with you, sprite. I went to your chambers to seduce you, yet did nothing to prevent a babe from being conceived."

  I jerked my head back. "You needn't worry. I'm sterile."

  A small gasp escaped his lips before he recovered. "I'm sorry. Was it…because of Earth?"

  "All academy girls are sterilized at age twelve." I shrugged, believing it to be common knowledge.

  "What?" Gideon practically exploded. "They force barrenness on children? And this is okay with you?"

  "Nobody knows what ills we could have brought from Earth inside our bodies. It is safer for the continuation of humankind that we not procreate and plant a scourge on this planet as well," I argued, though there was no anger behind my words. It made perfect sense to me.

  "You sound like a brochure from the Ministry of Health." He shook his head, balling his fists. "It's unconscionable. I don't see how your academy girls don't start an uprising for the injustices my society has reaped upon you."

  "I'm sorry. Would you rather I be pregnant right now? For heaven's sake, it worked out for the best, didn't it?"

  "The best, Vi? Truly? What if you marry some bloke in a few years and want a family?"

  "I don't intend to marry, as I've stated to you before. And if some random bloke steals off with my heart someday, I expect he'll understand that we won't conceive children and be fine with it."

  "It should be your choice." He brushed a hair from my eyes. "No one should have the right to take it from you."

  "What about my choice to be your lover?" I reached for his jaw and stroked the place where tension caused him to clench it so hard. "I enjoyed making love with you. I like how you make me feel." I brought up my other hand to cup his face. "I'm asking you to be my lover, Gideon."

  His eyes flew open and the angst I'd seen earlier had been replaced with a fire. "You're positively the sexiest woman I've ever met, Violet Merriweather." Gideon grasped my hips, and ground himself into me. "I wish I could make you understand how you make me feel. I wish I understood it myself. You stand there in your sturdy gown and touch my face and I melt. You tell me you enjoy making love with me and I feel like a god. The fact that you stand there and tell me plainly what you want is the most erotic pillow talk I've ever heard. I want you. I want to be your lover more than I want my next breath. But I don't want to lead you on a winding road, Vi. I can't promise-"

  "We'll make no promises, then. Each night is a gift."

  "I may make a promise or two." He nibbled my earlobe, and the sensation shot to my center, melting me like a caramel from the inside. "I promise to make you howl with pleasure. I promise to spend hour upon hour attending to the backs of your knees where you tremble at the slightest touch."

  My eyes rolled back into my head remembering how he'd turned me to jelly with his wicked tongue and the backs of my knees. "And so it begins," I said. "But for now, I must go torture your little brother for hour upon hour with my evil maniacal devices like books and letters and numbers."

  "You say the filthiest things."

  I turned but Gideon grasped my hand and kissed it. I walked away, accomplishing my goal of mending Gideon's heart after the episode with his father. And most assuredly setting my own up for breaking.

  Three weeks later, a lucky break in the weather meant my day off could be spent in town rather than Thornfield. I had a bit of coin saved up and wished to shop. I'd never been shopping for mys
elf and quite looked forward to it.

  I hadn't known I'd be earning a wage until a purse made an appearance on my nightstand. At first, I thought Gideon had left it, and shame burned from my roots to my toes. Later, I noticed Oliver delivering a similar purse to Cook and realized it was my pay. On top of room and board and the PEAD and the eNovelizer, I was earning a wage.

  I wished all I could feel was pride, but even though it had been an error, I couldn't get past the feelings that somehow Gideon had paid me for my body. I knew my morals were questionable by allowing myself to become his lover, but the idea that I would be his mistress plagued me. Why should I feel so differently if money were involved? And was I going to let it cloud what we had now?

  What did we have now? Certainly, we enjoyed each other's company. He read to me, sometimes, while we were naked in my bed. More than once, I'd fallen asleep to the timbre of his voice. Always in the morning he'd be gone.

  It didn't do any good to ruminate on what we had or didn't have, so I shook myself off and spent a few hours looking at bits and bobs for my hair, lacey things I might tempt my lover with, and perfumeries in which I might find a signature scent. No matter how hard I looked, I could find nothing that interested me in the least. I wondered where the ladies I'd seen at the ribaldery had found their costumes, because it certainly wasn't where I was looking.

  As I crossed the cobblestone path, a small mewing stopped me cold. My heart raced as I recognized it as human and a sound that I remembered well from my youth. Crying, the hopeless, desperate kind that came when all was lost and death was waiting.

  I wanted to run, which shamed me, so instead I followed the sounds to the source. A woman, maybe a girl, lay on her side, hugging her knees to her chest in the alley. Her face was covered by a mop of unbound hair tangled around itself like a thicket. Her thin dress was no match for the winter chill, and full of dirt and holes besides. She wore no shoes, which had been the most heartbreaking part until she lifted her face and I saw her dead, sightless eyes.

  I crouched down in front of her shivering form. "There now," I said in a soft voice. "My name is Violet. What's yours?"

  She didn't answer but shrank into herself even further on a moan. She'd been battered, her bruises calling out the ugly violence she'd seen. I looked around for help, but saw only passers-by who refused to return a glance. And then I noticed where we were.

  "I have friends here, friends who can help you. Do you think you can walk?"

  She shuddered. "Why? Why would you help me?"

  "Goodness, why wouldn't I help you. Can you stand? If you stand, you can put your weight on me and I'll walk for the both of us."

  "Go back to your manor and leave me alone."

  "That simply won't do." I recognized pride when I saw it, for the poor woman raised her chin as I'm wont to do. "I suppose I could drag you across the way, but I'm afraid it might hurt you more. If you could just stand."

  "Lady, I'm a whore. Ain't no one going to help me."

  I narrowed my gaze on her, knowing that I wasn't far from her status. One misstep and we'd be sharing the same fortune. "I won't leave you in the street."

  Though it pained her terribly, we managed to stand her up and hobble to the secret door of the ribaldery. I knew I would catch the dickens for this. The ribaldery was a secret and to visit in broad daylight would put everyone at risk, but I had little choice.

  I thought Minerva would spit nails at me, even as she asked the bouncer to carry my new burden to a room upstairs.

  "What the hell, Violet?" she asked.

  "I'm sorry. I didn't know what to do. I'll tend to her wounds myself."

  I started towards the stairs when Minerva stopped in front of me. "You've risked my livelihood and your own for someone you don't even know. I may as well put a sign out advertising."

  "I don't think anyone saw me," I explained, though lamely I'll admit. "I couldn't leave her to die in the street, Min."

  Minerva sized me up with that calculating stare.

  "She can't tell anyone where I brought her, she's blind."

  Minerva glanced away from me to hide the feelings she didn't think I knew her to have. "She would have left you."

  "You don't know that."

  She rolled her eyes. "She needs a doctor."

  "Do you know one who will come here?" I pulled out my coin purse. "I'll pay him."

  Minerva stared at my money. "You're an odd one, that's for sure."

  "I prefer original."

  "I'd strangle you myself, but Gideon is going to brain you a good one when he discovers what you've done."

  I thought of the young woman who'd faced such violence upstairs and knew I'd never know the same fate from the hands of Gideon. But he couldn't protect me from the rest of the world, not forever. If I were smart, I'd plan an alternate course.

  Minerva sent for the doctor, well, as close as we were going to get anyway. He was an addict who'd lost his licensing several years prior, but worked for cash for those who stood no prayer of being seen by a real man of medicine. His hands were shaky, but he was fastidiously clean.

  I paced the floor while he saw our patient; the tea Minerva poured grew cold. I wasn't sure I trusted this doctor, but I had very little training myself. Min sighed at my anxiousness and put me to work polishing glasses behind the bar.

  When the doctor came down, Minerva stood next to me while he recited the litany of contusions and broken bones to us. She reached for my hand and squeezed as the list went on and on. The blindness, near as he could tell, was hysterical in nature. Whatever she'd seen had traumatized her enough that she didn't want to see anything else again.

  There was little we could do for her but clean her up and let her rest while she healed. The doctor's parting words were that she wouldn't be able to return to her "employment" for some time as she'd been raped as well as beaten.

  After he'd gone, I looked up the stairs and steeled myself to face the poor girl. What was I going to do with her now? I couldn't take her to Thornfield.

  "Sit," Minerva demanded as she poured us both a glass from a crystal decanter. "You look like the angel of death right now."

  I sipped the alcohol while Minerva tipped hers back and shot it down in one swallow.

  "I don't know what to do." I believe that was the first time I'd ever said such a thing. I used to be the go-to-gal when things went amiss.

  "She can stay here for a few days," Minerva announced. "But you need to stop trying to save the world. You're going to get all of us in trouble."

  I wanted to hug her, but I knew better than to thank her profusely. Instead I nodded and refilled our glasses, slamming mine back the way she'd done.

  When I finished coughing we got quiet again. "Who would do that to another human?" I asked, mostly to pierce the silence.

  Min shook her head. "Don't go down that road, Violet. People are capable of more than you know."

  I shuttered my eyes as the moment the baby, my brother, was wrenched from my arms all those years ago chose that moment to replay. I knew exactly what ills people were capable of. But I also knew the good, and that was what we needed to concentrate on.

  Minerva and I tended our new charge together, sponging her gently as she moaned.

  "What's your name then?" Min asked her.

  I didn't expect her to speak, but she ground out, "Lily."

  "Do you have any family, Lily? Anyone who…"

  "Cares? No. I told you in the street that I'm a whore. Nobody gives a damn what happens to me. Nobody even tried to stop him from taking me."

  "Are you one of Madame Q's girls?" Minerva asked. I didn't know who Madame Q was, but I could guess.

  "No. I'm self made."

  Lily took a few sips of weak tea. Not much, but she'd take no more.

  "Lily," I pleaded. "Your body needs sustenance."

  "You should have let me die." She closed her eyes, feigning sleep.

  Min would let no one feel sorry for themself. Not even the half dead waif I
rescued from the street. "Poppycock. If you wanted to die, she'd have found your corpse. I'm not sure what it is that has you all fired up to live, but you damn well did."

  With effort, Lily swallowed. "I escaped him."

  Minerva and I matched gazes across Lily's bed.

  "Lily," I began. "Do you know who did this to you?"

  She shook her head. "He put a cloth over my head and tied me up. Threw me into a cart, he did. Took me someplace and…did what he did. He said he had big plans for me. Experiment he said. Said something about how my life wasn't worth much, but my death would benefit mankind. Like the other girls. He wore a mask."

  I shivered. Was he the same animal that had taken Shelby? "Your life is worth much more than he said." She didn't believe me. "When you're feeling better, Lily, maybe we can figure out who he is. Make him pay.

  She snorted. "I didn't see him, but he was quality I tell you. Nobody is going to make him pay for taking a whore. He took me to a cabin in the woods. I got that bag off my head. God, why didn't I just leave it on? There was blood, so much blood. And this monster…it was some kind of zombie, I swear to God. It was the last thing I saw." She closed her eyes. "I'm tired. So tired."

  We excused ourselves and let her rest.

  "A zombie?" I repeated once we were back downstairs. "Do you think he drugged her?"

  "I certainly hope so."

  The drinks I'd down churned in my stomach like a wheel of knives. "Do you think it's the same that killed Shelby? That maybe he's got bodies…Oh God."

  I collapsed into a chair and tried to keep the contents of my stomach in place.

  Min put a cool rag on my forehead. "I'll make an anonymous tip to a constable I'm friendly with. Maybe it's the clue they've been waiting for."

  Except both of us knew they weren't really waiting on any clues. Solving the murders wasn't high on anyone's list of priorities. Except maybe ours.

  When my stomach settled, Min told me I'd best get home before I got into any more trouble.

  The problem was that trouble seemed to be everywhere I looked.