Jane Blonde: Twice the Spylet

by Jill Marshall

  Alfie snorted. ‘It’s just a spiral staircase. They’re not that unusual!’

  ‘It’s not just a spiral staircase,’ said his mother sternly. ‘It’s cutting edge SPI technology. Still a bit experimental, I suppose, but no more so than the eSPIdrills. This, son, is indeed a SPIral staircase. A SPI Rotating Air-Lock staircase. You’d better get in.’

  To the Spylets’ amazement, when G-Mamma said ‘Unlock’ in an authoritative voice, the metal steps began to move. Sliding outwards, each step pivoted so that it lay on its side and then flipped down to form a raised join with the next step. After a few seconds they found themselves standing next to a large hollow tube, rounded off at the top and ridged all the way down its black metal sides like a centipede. The central pole on which the steps had been mounted now stood alone in the middle of the capsule, and when Janey peeked over the edge she could see it stretching down into the depths. ‘Do we slide down it?’ she asked. It looked like the longest fireman’s pole she’d ever seen.

  Alfie shook his head. ‘No way. And anyway, it reminds me of something. It’s like a . . . a lift shaft.’

  ‘Stand back!’ ordered G-Mamma.

  The next moment the floor quivered beneath their feet and they all tottered backwards as a vast blast of air exploded into G-Mamma’s house, quickly followed by the smooth arrival of a lozenge-shaped capsule, black and gleaming as an earwig, that swivelled up to meet them, turning like a screw. A panel slid open, and Janey could see that they were being invited to step inside a rounded cubicle a little smaller than the Wower. ‘It is a lift,’ she said softly. ‘An underground one, or rather – a through-the-ground one.’

  ‘Hence the reason it’s an airlock. Always a bonus to be able to breathe.’ G-Mamma straightened Janey’s Ultra-gogs and shoved her inside. ‘There are straps top and bottom for your hands and feet. Make sure you don’t grab the pole in the middle. It will probably get pretty hot.’

  ‘I’ll go and distract Jean,’ said Mrs Halliday, holding aloft the bag of chocolate cake. ‘Good luck, Halo. You too, Blonde.’

  Alfie ducked inside the SPIral before his mother could give him a kiss in public, and Janey watched as he strapped himself in. ‘We’ll SPIV as soon as we get there,’ she said to the G-Mamma, now standing there alone.

  ‘Buckle up tight!’ G-Mamma had the same feverish glint in her eye that she always had when trying out a new gadget. ‘It may be a bumpy ride. Or it may not! Who knows?’ And her beaming face beneath a ribbon-tied Easter bonnet disappeared from view as she proclaimed, ‘LOCK!’ and the panel of metal between them drew shut.

  Alfie looked around him. They were completely sealed into the metal tube, with only a sprinkling of star-like lights at either end for illumination. He pumped his Boy-battler and it lit up like a large round light bulb. ‘I don’t like this, Blonde. What’s going to happen?’

  ‘Well,’ said Janey, ‘if my eSPIdrills are anything to go by, we’re going to start to spin, any minute.’

  But when it started, it was nothing like the rapid rotating effect of her spy shoes. There was a slight hum, a long, dizzying moment of silence, and suddenly they were off, corkscrewing through the Earth in great looping rotations that made Janey’s stomach lurch as if she was on a fairground ride. Alfie groaned and backed up against the wall, while Janey did what she could to hang on to the Chocolate Orange in her stomach. No wonder Chloe looked sick, if this was the way she went to and from Australia! Janey felt as though her head was being pulled out through the soles of her feet.

  ‘How long does this go on for?’ Alfie looked green in the white light radiating from his Boy-battler. ‘I need a bucket!’

  ‘I don’t know! It seems faster than the eSPIdrills, but somehow the pressure feels worse.’

  There was nothing they could do now. There was no button to press to send them back to G-Mamma; in fact, the only controls they knew were ‘Lock’ and ‘Unlock’ and they certainly didn’t want the door springing open as they shot through rivers of boiling lava. The only consoling thought was that Chloe had been all right after she’d used it – if indeed, that was how she’d travelled and G-Mamma hadn’t got it all wrong . . .

  The temperature was soaring. Their faces and left hands – the only parts not covered by protective spywear – dripped with sweat, but Janey had been through worse, and she was now getting used to the plummeting sensation. No wonder Chloe always looked slightly green and clammy – too much of this type of travel and Janey would look the same way. She dared to take in a deep breath and instantly found herself cooling down.

  ‘Breathe in, Alfie – the air close to us is not too bad. Keep away from the walls and the pole in the middle.’

  Alfie shuffled his strapped feet away from the walls and gulped down some air. ‘That’s better. Yeah, it’s . . . it’s not too bad now. Hey, are we slowing down?’

  Janey nodded as a hissing sound vibrated around them. ‘We must be going through the water table. That’s not that far from the Earth’s surface. We’re nearly there.’

  In just a few moments the feeling of movement ceased. ‘Unlock,’ said Janey clearly, and they stepped out into the balmy Australian night.

  down down under

  They emerged from the SPIral staircase on to a platform high up in a wall of the Dubbo Seven Spylab.

  ‘What’s that?’ whispered Alfie. Somewhere nearby they could hear retching.

  ‘Probably one of the sheep.’ Janey held up her Girl-gauntlet and angled the laser light around them. Right at that moment, a sheep bleated plaintively from somewhere within the metal walls of the Spylab.

  ‘No, that was a sheep. I think the puking thing was a stowaway.’ Alfie stepped into the darkness, bent down and grabbed something. It yowled in a highly offended fashion. ‘Yours, I believe?’

  Trouble dangled forlornly from Alfie’s Boy-battler, his whiskers and Spycat quiff drooping like week-old cut flowers. ‘That’ll teach you to sneak in where you’re not invited,’ said Janey in a stern voice, but Trouble looked so repentant and sick that she couldn’t really be angry. ‘Come here.’ Nestled under her arm, Trouble soon started to purr.

  ‘What time d’you reckon it is?’ said Alfie.

  Janey shrugged. ‘I’m not even sure what day it is any more. But judging by the sky, it must be nearly dawn. Let’s go and see the sheep before Dad and Chloe wake up.’

  She walked over to the paddock, with Trouble lodged on her hip and Alfie hoovering down great gulps of air. It was quite cool without the blaze of the sun, and they found after a few moments that they could speed up and bounce along on their Fleet-feet. Janey passed the hole she had made with her eSPIdrills and stopped to drag a tumbled-down fence post across it; there was no way she wanted Trouble trying to get back to G-Mamma via that route. When she caught up with Alfie, he was staring into the empty paddock.

  ‘Do you think your twin comes here to be sick whenever she’s used that SPIral thing?’ Alfie pointed to the little vomity puddles dotted around the field. ‘I mean, I don’t blame her, but it can’t be very nice for the sheep. No wonder there aren’t any here.’

  ‘No, it’s melted sheep food, apparently. Maybe the flock’s been moved while this is cleaned up or something. There was that one we heard up at the Spylab.’

  ‘We might as well go back there,’ said Alfie. ‘Wait for your dad to get up.’

  It seemed to be the most sensible thing to do, so they headed back to the wooden bungalow. ‘By the way,’ said Janey, ‘the sheep farmer, Bert, doesn’t know about us all being spies, so don’t give anything away. G-Mamma’s checking him out right now.’

  ‘That must be him, is it?’ Alfie pointed to the broad-shouldered figure standing on the veranda.

  ‘Looks like him – it’s too short to be Abe.’

  Alfie stopped short. ‘Hang on a minute. Abe is your dad? I thought he just worked for him.’

  Janey could have kicked herself. There was no way of getting Alfie involved in this mission without him knowing a little
bit about how Boz Brilliance Brown had transformed himself into Abe Rownigan, but since she had got into so much hot water last time by letting tiny bits of information slip out, it was critical that she didn’t give everything away – not even to her best friend and fellow Spylet. She had to tell him something, and much as she hated lying to Alfie, she figured that a half-truth would serve them both pretty well. He’d have to know that Abe was Sol/Boz, but not that the SPI leader had Crystal-Clarified himself into a completely new person. ‘Yes, it’s a disguise,’ she said eventually. ‘My dad made himself up with that clever plastic stuff they use in movies – latex, you know.’

  ‘But Abe’s about a foot taller than Boz!’ Alfie raised one eyebrow, but then got distracted by Bert’s penetrating stare. ‘What’s he looking at?’

  Janey grinned and grabbed Alfie’s arm, dragging him over to the veranda. ‘Hello again, Bert. It’s me, Janey.’ She waggled her ponytail brightly. ‘This is my friend Alfie. Dad knows him already.’

  ‘Thought so,’ said Bert slowly, looking Alfie up and down. ‘Weren’t you over at Abe’s laboratory barn?’

  Janey groaned inwardly. He must have seen Alfie as they left the barn a few moments earlier. She really didn’t want Bert wondering why they’d been snooping around, and stumbling across SPIrals and SPI gear.

  ‘Yes. No. Sort of,’ said Alfie, not very convincingly. ‘I was just trying to find Abe to say hello, but, you know, he wasn’t there.’

  Bert put on his hat. ‘Must have gone to get a bit of shut-eye at last. He works all night in that lab of his, and then farms sheep all day. It’s a wonder he can stay awake. Still, it’s early yet; I think we can let him and young Chloe have a lie-in. Why don’t you guys come with me while I catch up with the sheep?’

  ‘They’re not there,’ said Alfie helpfully.

  ‘That’s what I mean about your dad, Janey. Spends all night in that lab and moves the sheep around. They’re probably out the back of the barns. That’s where he normally has them overnight.’

  They wandered together past the shearing sheds and out past the barn housing the Spylab. ‘Is that a cat you’re holding?’ Bert peeked under Janey’s arm at Trouble. ‘Looks more like a possum.’

  ‘Oh, this is Trouble. He followed me from . . . from home.’

  ‘G’day, Trouble,’ said Bert amiably, chucking the cat under the chin. Trouble rubbed his fur against Bert’s gnarled finger and purred ferociously. Bert smiled at Janey’s surprised expression, and she noticed how his lined and grumpy face lit up instantly. ‘They all love me, animals. Don’t they, puss? Yeah. Now, where’s me other little beauts?’

  The sheep were indeed milling around in the large pen a field or so away from the Spylab. Janey pointed out Maddy to Alfie; the massive bald patch on her back made her easy to spot. The other sheep all looked pretty lustrous and well-groomed, ready to go to market, but it was the patchy Maddy who baahed merrily, kicked up her back legs and scampered over to Bert. ‘She’s the nicest one, isn’t she?’ said Janey to Bert. ‘Even if she looks a bit manky.’

  ‘Always was my favourite, this one.’ Bert made a fuss of the sheep, who had suddenly stopped and was eyeballing Trouble mistrustfully. ‘She’s the only original sheep from the days when it was just my little old sheep farm, before Abe bought me out and asked me to stay on. These other ones – I don’t like them so much. Don’t go telling Abe, will ya, but they’re a bit boring. No personalities. They even all bleat the same.’

  ‘Don’t all sheep bleat the same?’ said Alfie.

  Bert looked at him a little askance. ‘I’m picking you don’t know much about sheep, son. Of course they all say “baa” in a similar way, but if you listen you’ll hear that they sing it out at all different notes in the musical scale, and some of them say “maaaa”, and some say “nerrr”, and each one’s unique. But not these sheep here. They look perfect and they sing in perfect harmony. Boring, like I said.’

  ‘What’s Maddy’s bleat like?’ asked Janey.

  ‘Maddy?’ Bert laughed. ‘Her little call is specially for me. Paaaa.’

  ‘Paaaa,’ bellowed Maddy obligingly, and Janey and Bert burst out laughing.

  Alfie curled his lip in disbelief. ‘Talking sheep,’ he muttered. ‘As if.’

  ‘You should have a bit of respect for your elders, son,’ said Bert, ‘and for the gifts that nature provides us with, and that includes sheep. Whether they talk or not.’

  ‘I . . . I’m sorry.’

  Janey pointed towards the house, glad of a diversion. ‘There’s Abe. Dad!’

  Abe’s approaching figure seemed to pause, then speed up dramatically. Her father arrived at a run and skidded to a halt before them. ‘Alfie, I . . .’ He stopped abruptly and peered closely at Janey’s Spylet friend. ‘It really is you! You came with Janey? I’m so glad to see you!’ And he threw his arms around Alfie, much to the Spylet’s surprise.

  Janey was also a little shocked, especially as her father seemed barely to have registered her presence. ‘We thought we’d come together,’ she said, adding pointedly, ‘Dad.’

  Abe laughed and grabbed Janey for a hug. ‘Well, I did see you only yesterday – just a few hours ago. I haven’t seen Alfie in so long! How are you? How’s your mother?’

  ‘F-fine,’ said Alfie, slightly overwhelmed.

  ‘Great.’ Abe beamed at everyone, then dropped a kiss on to the top of Janey’s head. ‘Tell you what, Janey: there’s a bit of man’s work to be done out here just at the moment. Why doesn’t Alfie give us a hand, and you can go and wake up your sister? We can all have breakfast together soon.’

  Janey’s jaw sagged. So not only was she going to be upstaged by Chloe, but now Alfie too! And since when had her father been interested in what was ‘man’s work’, when spying was all he’d done so far, and he thought she was good enough for that? For the first time she felt really mad at her dad. He might be going straight so they could all be together again, but ‘straight’ didn’t seem to equate to ‘nice’. Even Trouble wasn’t making his usual fuss of him.

  ‘Right,’ she said stiffly. She looked at Alfie, hoping he’d decide to come with her, but he simply shrugged and said, ‘You’re the boss! Let’s go! See you later, Janey.’

  Abe nodded with his film-star grin and then shouted after her, ‘Oh, Janey! Take the ugly one back with you, will you?’

  The ugly one? Maddy the sheep looked around with what Janey could swear was hurt in her eyes, and Janey knew just how she felt.

  ‘Come on, Maddy,’ she said, tucking Trouble further under her arm. ‘Let’s go and find Chloe.’

  Maybe then, at least, someone would be interested in seeing them.

  love or hate

  After a slow walk of constant reassurance and reintroductions, Trouble and Maddy were getting along famously. Trouble jumped down from Janey’s arms and slithered around Maddy’s legs in his normal sign of acceptance, and the sheep was positively skittish, kicking out her legs in an invitation to play. She might be ugly, thought Janey, but she was certainly full of pep. Eventually Maddy allowed Trouble to be placed on her back as she shouted ‘paaaa’ to the skies. Trouble sat on her bald spot like a badly fitting toupee, and they trotted along together quite happily as Janey checked in with her SPI:KE.

  ‘G-Mamma, Blonde here,’ she said into her SPIV, after first ensuring that nobody was around to hear her.

  The face of her SPI:KE appeared upside down. ‘Go to it, Blondey.’ Her head was popping from one side of the little screen to the other, more or less in time with a thunderous bass-line that made the SPIV jump on Janey’s chest.

  ‘G-Mamma, what’s that noise?’

  ‘Oh! Sorry, forgot about that. Just, with your mother being away, I thought I’d pump it up. Oh yeah!’

  ‘WHAT DO YOU MEAN, MY MOTHER’S AWAY ?’

  G-Mamma’s face disappeared for a moment as she turned down the music. ‘She’s gone away. Must have decided on a little holiday for herself when Maisie told her you were staying at their pl
ace. I’ve checked the phone bug and she didn’t make any bookings on there, but she probably did it online.’

  ‘Without me? She’s gone on holiday on her own?’ Janey could hardly believe it. But when she thought about it, her mum could have said exactly the same thing when Janey suddenly disappeared. She sighed. ‘I don’t blame her really. Anyway, nothing new, apart from Dad seems to have gone all weird and macho. I haven’t had a chance to ask him about the message yet. Have you found out anything new?’

  ‘Yes. Bert Lester . . .’ said G-Mamma, and Janey could see she was staring at the computer screen. ‘Nothing on him other than what we know already: Abe Rownigan bought the farm from him a short while ago, just as Bert was about to go under, so he agreed to work for Abe as his sheep-farming expert. But Abe is clearly the real expert. You’ll never guess what your dad’s up to now, Janey!’

  Janey paused, hardly daring to ask. ‘What?’

  ‘Well! Mr Genius Genetics has been at it again with his splicing. I got the full analysis on that wool. No wonder it’s so fine . . .’

  ‘We knew that already,’ said Janey. ‘It’s made of merino wool spliced with angora rabbit fur.’

  ‘There’s no rabbit in there,’ said G-Mamma seriously. ‘It’s hair, Janey. Probably human.’

  ‘But . . . but that’s disgusting!’

  G-Mamma’s crumpled face filled the whole of the SPIV. ‘Pukesome! I got rid of that hat Chloe knitted pretty sharpish. But it’s clever, when you think about it. And he’s disguised it really well. If this wasn’t a Spylab, we’d never have found out.’

  Janey looked down at poor Maddy. Her coat, or what was left after handfuls of it had fallen out, didn’t look at all like hair. It was thick and greasy with lanolin, as Janey would have expected wool to be. But she wrinkled her nose as she thought of the other sheep with their long silky coats. ‘That’s vile. Look, I’m at the house now. I’ll call in later.’

  ‘Righty all-mighty. And by the way, I helped myself to my egg as you never gave it to me. And that cake Maisie had made – your mum hadn’t touched it. I’m the Easter feaster!’