Breathless

by W Winters

  “I’ll never forgive you,” I whisper the words, feeling the ache sit against my ribcage, etching into my bone and eating away at whatever soul I have left.

  “What’s wrong with you?” Nik raises his voice with incredulity and backs away from me, his hands pushing against the edge of the flimsy table and inching it closer to me. He’s breathing heavily as his composure crumbles. “He’ll pay for what he did!”

  “I didn’t come here to talk about that,” I say and struggle to look Nik in the eye. Belatedly, I remember what Carter told me about the men on Carlisle and what I’d planned to say.

  “We’re family,” Nik reminds me, his tone wretched, his gaze covering every inch of my face and doesn’t stay steady in the least. He’s losing it. “I’ll protect you!” he declares, and I take this moment to gain control of the conversation.

  “Then move the men on Carlisle,” I tell him quickly, staring into his eyes, although my words stumble into one another. Moving my hands into my lap, I resist the urge to fidget and straighten my back. “The war is between my father and Romano. Romano’s the one who took me.”

  Nik’s expression is pained as he says, “This isn’t a negotiation, Aria.”

  He looks over at Eli, but only for a moment before giving in and spilling the plans my father has set in motion. He barely considers withholding the information and something doesn’t feel right about it.

  “The men on Romano’s turf are decoys. He’s letting them die and preparing to rampage Cross’s territory.”

  I worry my bottom lip between my teeth and I struggle to breathe, but somehow manage to tell him, “Change his mind.”

  “Not after what Cross did to you.”

  I wish he could understand. I wish he felt like I do. I cannot fail. I won’t live to see the men I love kill each other. I won’t fucking do it!

  “Then create a reason. Have Mika go up to… to…” I’m blanking on the street name that divides the territories. I’ve heard them all so many times before, but I rarely left the house. When I did, I never wandered far and so the street names mean nothing to me.

  Whipping my gaze to Eli, I raise my voice and say, “Help me!” I stare at him as if he’s failing me because he is. They’re all failing me, and this is a losing cause. “The street where Romano territory meets Talvery territory.”

  “Bedford.” Eli’s response comes easily. He’s not shaken in the least and I gather my composure, pushing my hair out of my face and staring at the steel table until I’m able to speak calmly.

  “Bedford, move them up to Bedford,” I plead with Nik, keeping the cadence of my voice soft and even. “Please,” I beg him, desperate for him to understand.

  “You think that will stop this war between Talvery and Cross?”’ he asks me with an air of ridicule. “The men you’re dealing with aren’t men who have mercy, Aria.” Nikolai talks to me as if I don’t know them and it pisses me off.

  I know firsthand how cruel they are.

  “I’m not asking for mercy, Nik. I’m asking for fucking common sense.” I practically spit the last few words. I lean back in the chair, keeping one wrist balanced on the edge of the table. “If they die, it’s because you failed.”

  “Failed at what?” he asks me. “Taking charge of an army I don’t control?”

  “We have control. It’s easy to take control,” I say words my father once said to me. He said I needed to be harder, that I needed to wield my name and authority. I never imagined I would heed his advice.

  “Send Mika to Bedford; he’s at the top of the chain like you. No one would be surprised if he dies there, so make sure he does, Nikolai,” I harden my voice, remembering my absolute hatred for Mika and all the evil shit he’s done. “You know he deserves far less than an honorable death. Take him up there on a false pretense, shoot him in the back of the head and be done with him.” I’m nearly shaken by the venom in my tone, by how meticulously I’m planning murder and interfering with war. “Tell my father it was Romano, and that you have to retaliate. Do it tonight.”

  “Mika’s dead.” It takes a moment to even comprehend what Nikolai said before he adds, “Your father killed him.”

  A cocktail of incredulity and anguish mix in my blood. “What? What happened?” My questions leave me in a single breath, a quiet one as I’m too afraid to speak any louder. As if doing so would change the truth of what happened.

  Nikolai glances at Eli before leaning forward and speaking in a hushed voice. “Your father thought you ran away or that you were dead. He went through the tapes and Mika was the last person to speak to you.”

  With a deep breath, his eyes drift from me to Eli again before he turns his attention back to me. “He asked Mika why he was there and what he said that got you so upset.”

  “And?” I question him, my voice not nearly as low as Nik’s, but it doesn’t matter. I know Eli can hear. I know they can all hear.

  “Mika didn’t answer fast enough. Your father shot him in the head in front of everyone.”

  “Oh, my God.” My heart pumps the blood coldly through my veins as I picture the scene and worry about what my father is thinking and everything he’s been through.

  “I won’t lose sleep over Mika, but your father’s losing it, Aria.”

  My chest feels like it’s collapsing, and I struggle to grab hold of every bit of anger I’ve had toward my father since I’ve been here.

  “He didn’t come for me.” I can barely speak the words.

  “As soon as he found out where you were, he did. We did.”

  A moment passes and then another. I’ve held so much pain and anger inside of me at the thought that my father didn’t care. Fuck. I wish I knew more. I’m losing this game. Each pawn I think I can capture has already been taken before I make my first move.

  “He won’t move those men or hold back against Cross, Aria. He wants justice.” He adds firmly and with a conviction that sends a shiver down my spine, “We all do.”

  “This isn’t justice. It’s senseless death.” I stare into Nik’s eyes, willing him to understand me.

  “You deserve justice, Aria.”

  “I’m fine, Nikolai. Carter didn’t do anything to me that I didn’t want.”

  Disbelief mars his handsome features. “You aren’t thinking right,” he says and slowly a look of sympathy replaces any hint of anger. “Aria, please come with me.”

  “I can’t let that happen.” Eli’s quick to step closer to us, and I’m equally as quick to shove my hand against his stomach and tell him to back off. Eli takes in my expression before nodding his head and falling back into place. I don’t know what he saw on my face at that moment, but he’ll never know how much I needed him to side with me.

  “I’m not leaving, Nik, and you need to find a way to move the men. Find a way,” I implore him, but not a word is getting through to him.

  “I won’t let you stay here,” Nikolai says then puts both fists on the table, breathing heavier and looking at Eli.

  “I won’t let you do this; I won’t let you choose to stay with a man who hurt you.”

  “It’s my choice.” I don’t defend what Carter’s done. But I’ll always defend myself and my ability to control my fate, now and until the day I die. “I finally have a choice,” I tell him with a hardened voice, seeing my friend for the first time as my enemy.

  “Is that what you call it?” he questions me.

  “I can hide away. I can run. Or, I can know I have enemies and be prepared for what they’ll do to me,” I tell him staring into his eyes and not backing down. My shoulders shake from the sheer adrenaline and I can barely contain myself. “I don’t want you to be an enemy.”

  “Aria,” he breathes my name with agony. “I will never be your enemy.”

  “Then understand that I will not leave him.” I question telling him the whole truth as he stares into my gaze. I don’t want to know what he thinks of it, but I need him to know. “I love him, Nikolai.”

  “You’re sick,” he tel
ls me with nothing but sadness in his broken gaze. “I won’t let you go like this.” His voice begs me to understand, but I know there’s no reasoning with him. Just as there’s no reasoning with me.

  “Maybe I am sick,” I play along with him and somewhere deep in my soul, I even agree. “But wasn’t I sick all along? Hiding away in my room and afraid of everything.” The defensiveness in my voice is nothing compared to the anger I feel at remembering how pathetic my life used to be. Life might be too kind a word to describe what I had before Carter took me.

  “That’s why I tried to save you,” Nik tells me and reaches for my hand, but I pull away. His fingers brushing against mine feel like a fire that burns deep into the bone.

  The cords in his throat tighten as he watches the space between us grow and he confesses, “I wanted you to be free. You deserve to live a better life than this.”

  His words ring in my ears and echo over and over. It fills the hollowness in the crevices of my chest. He tried to save me?

  “You what?” I breathe the question.

  Everything slows to a crawl as he answers, a look of shame showing on his face. “This,” he motions with his hands, “this is all my fault.” He struggles to look me in the eye when he tells me, “I knew you’d think it was Mika. I wanted you out, so you could run, but Cross lied to me.”

  My heartbeat ticks in slow motion. So slowly, the world tilts on its axis and I feel lightheaded. I have to grip the table to stay upright.

  “He said he would get you out. He promised me he’d save you. He fucking lied to me, and I fell for it!” He contains his resentment when I don’t respond, and leans forward begging me to understand, “All I ever wanted was for you to be free from this. I won’t let this ruin you. You deserve so much better than this.”

  I can’t speak. I can’t move. I can’t even breathe as I hold onto the table to keep me upright.

  “Aria?” Eli calls out my name, but I don’t look at him. I don’t look at Nikolai when he begs me to forgive him. All I can do is stare at a scratch on the steel card table and try to hold on to my sanity.

  “You were my friend,” I whisper as tears prick my eyes. This all happened because of him. Because of the one person I had in life. The one person I thought I could fully trust.

  “I love you, Aria, and you need to run.” The word run makes my lips twitch. Run. That’s how little he thinks of me. To him, I’m merely a scared girl who needs saving. A girl who should run, not one worthy of staying and fighting.

  Letting my gaze find his, I peer into his soft blue eyes and whisper, “You don’t know who I am anymore.”

  “You’re innocent in this. You’re too innocent for this life.”

  “Nothing about me is innocent, Nikolai. It’s only what you all think of me.”

  “You know that it’s not--” Nik tries to backpedal but I cut him off. I’m tired of being the scared little girl. I refuse to be seen as such.

  “I never knew I had a choice until it was taken from me. I won’t let anyone take it back.”

  “I can make this right, Aria,” Nik reaches for my hand again, leaving his palm up on the table. And I take it willingly because I still love him, even if he’s made all the wrong choices and doesn’t see it. I still love him. He may not know how I’ve changed, but the boy inside of him is the same. My friend is staring back at me. I know that much.

  I rub soothing strokes on the back of his hand as I look him in the eyes, letting my anger go and knowing he will never agree with me. My voice is hoarse as I whisper, “I’m fine, Nikolai.”

  “You’re not. I can see you clearly, Aria. I always have.” His voice begs me to listen, and I am, I just don’t agree.

  “I wish I was a better man, so I could save you. I tried,” he tells me even though he looks past me with disappointment and regret equal in his expression. “I tried.”

  My heart pains for his. He’ll never understand, and I don’t know what this means for us, but I know this meeting was useless for this war.

  “Try to move the men on Carlisle. I can save myself.” My response gets his attention, and he shoots me a halfhearted smile, but one from a friend to a friend. One that warms the chill that runs through me.

  “You’re not doing a very good job of that, Ria.” He uses the same nickname my mother had for me and it breaks the wall of strength I’ve been holding on to.

  “It’s been so long since someone’s called me that,” I tell him with a smile that matches his.

  “I’ll always love you,” he tells me and he grips my hand harder. He whispers, “Always, Ria,” before kissing my wrist. A move that makes Eli shift his stance once again.

  His smile dies before mine does. “I will never forgive myself if something happens to you,” he says, and his voice is choked. “I can’t do anything now, but I promise I’ll make this right, even if you hate me for it.”

  “I wish you would just listen to me,” I tell him as the door opens behind me. The rusty hinges make it known without turning my head to see.

  “I’ll make it right,” Nikolai says hurriedly as two men walk around the table on either side of me and take him away. I have to grip the edge of my seat to keep from reaching for him. My heart splinters, not knowing when I’ll see him again and feeling as if I’ve failed miserably.

  “Don’t be stupid, Nikolai,” I call after him.

  He peeks over his shoulder at me with a smile that I recognize and one that brings tears to prick the back of my eyes. “I’ll try not to, Ria.”

  “You’ll let him go?” I ask Eli quickly and with a desperation that’s obvious.

  He doesn’t hesitate to answer, “So long as he doesn’t do anything stupid.”

  I can only nod a response, not trusting myself to speak, knowing full well Nikolai would do foolish things to save me.

  The door closes, and Eli tells me we’re waiting for a moment, but I hardly hear him as I think about everything that was revealed in the last thirty minutes.

  I never thought much of who I wanted to be as I got older. I only knew what I was running from.

  I didn’t want to marry someone my father approved of, like Mika. I never wanted that, and I thought if I stayed quiet and listened, my father wouldn’t marry me off as some of the whispers I’d heard hinted at that possibility.

  I didn’t want to be the reason the man I fell in love with died. That’s the exact reason Nikolai and I ended what we had. When my father started watching me closely, when he asked me if anyone had touched me because he’d kill them if they had, I denied it.

  And when he cornered Nikolai and asked him, Nikolai told my father what he wanted to hear, that we were nothing but friends, but he would honor my father’s request to leave me alone.

  I knew I didn’t want to be alone; I didn’t want to run away. And so, I sat there in my room, quietly hiding from everything I knew I didn’t want, but I never thought of what I wanted. I never chased what I knew deep down could be mine.

  Nothing will stop me from chasing it now.

  Chapter 13

  Carter

  * * *

  “Whiskey?” Daniel asks me as I watch Aria’s throat tighten as she stares at the table. She did well, but still, watching it was fucking agony.

  “Give her a minute,” I speak into the microphone to Eli as I nod at Daniel. The amber liquid swirls in the bottle and reflects the pale moonlight filtering into my office.

  Sitting back in my chair, I refuse to acknowledge how on edge my body feels. I’m on the edge of breaking down once again. My throat is dry and tight, my fingers and toes numb.

  “She loves him,” I admit the truth that splinters my chest in a whisper as I stare at the screen. It was clear to see in the way she spoke to him and held him and comforted him. But more than that, it’s obvious he loves her as well.

  That’s something I can’t allow.

  “I don’t want to hear you talk about the woman you love, not in that context. Not about her loving someone else.” Daniel’s
response leaves no room for negotiation and I turn to him as he hands the tumbler to me.

  Bringing the glass to my lips, I know what he’s referring to and maybe it makes me coldhearted, but the pain that lies in between his words brings me comfort. The whiskey burns my chest as I tilt back the glass and take it all at once.

  “Another?” I ask him, holding out the glass for him to refill even though his is still very much full. Three fingers’ worth of whiskey is still evident in his glass.

  He fills mine higher than before; the bottle that was full only two days ago is nearly empty now. As I take a large swig, I can hear his blunt nails tapping rhythmically against the glass. He leans against the window behind me rather than taking his seat.

  “You have all of his files, so you could blackmail him into leaving.” Daniel offers me a way to take care of the pesky problem. It’s a solution that would work for most people, but not for Nikolai.

  “He’s irrational,” I answer him, knowing all too well Nikolai won’t stand down.

  “You mean stupid?” he jokes, and I give him a rough chuckle in response, but the smirk that tries to tug at my lips ultimately fails to show itself.

  “Do you think she’ll hate me now that she knows I set her up all along?” I ask him. The nerves roil in my gut, and I shut them up with another swig. That’s what I’m truly worried about. Everything else is meaningless. But that piece of information could hurt us. Romano set it all up, technically, creating the meeting between the two of us. But I’m guilty and won’t refute what he told Aria.

  “I’m sure she already blamed you.” Although there’s a hint of humor in his answer, the truth of it causes my blood to turn to ice.

  I scoff as I watch as my songbird stand, pushing in the chair and staring long and hard at the empty one across from her before preparing to leave. She doesn’t stop staring at where Nikolai was sitting and every second her gaze stays there, the crack in my heart feels like dry lightning splitting the sky into two.