by Lucia Jordan
Avery looked at Adam with tears in her eyes. His encouragement was exactly what Burke would have said to her. Burke would have pushed her to follow her dreams and been her rock to lean on. He would have helped her and cheered her on, given her the confidence to walk into that classroom with her head held high. God, she missed him.
“I can go with you to take a look at the campus if you want,” Adam offered.
“I haven’t decided if I’m going to do this or not.”
“You’ll do it. You can’t pass this up.”
Adam was right, she knew he was, but the idea of taking Burke’s money, of accepting his gift felt so…final, as if this was his way of saying goodbye, and that nearly broke her heart all over again.
***
It was the first day of classes and Avery was nervous. She hadn’t seen the inside of a classroom, at least as a student instead of a guardian, for a decade. She’d lamented about what to wear. A dress, or slacks and a nice blouse? Every outfit she’d tried on made her look her age, made her look like she was going to a business meeting instead of attending college. In the end she settled on a pair of worn jeans and a t-shirt she’d bought at a concert she and Adam had attended a few years ago. She pulled her hair into a high ponytail, left her face free of makeup and slipped on a pair of Chucks.
She grabbed her book bag and car keys and headed out to the kitchen. Adam was sitting at the counter sipping a cup of coffee when she entered and grabbed a banana.
“Jesus, Avery. You look like you’re eighteen.”
“That’s the idea. If I’m going to be sitting in class with kids more than ten years younger than me, I don’t won’t to look like their mother.”
“You worry too much. It’ll be fine.”
“I hope so. I’m so nervous that I thought I was going to get sick this morning.”
Adam stood and gave her a big hug. “I’m proud of you for doing this.”
She hugged him back. “Thanks. Are you all packed and ready to go?”
Adam was leaving for his internship in a few hours and Avery wouldn’t see him again for a while. She felt like crying but knew it would only make him sad as well so she kept it inside. There would be time enough when she got home later that afternoon for a good, long blubbering session.
“Yeah. I think it’s a little strange that they’re flying me out on a private jet, but at least I’ll get there early enough to unpack and grab some dinner.”
“Skype me when you get to your apartment. I’m dying to see it.”
“I will.” He finally released her from the hug and stepped back. “Are you going to be okay?”
Avery chuckled nervously. “Of course. Why?”
“I’m leaving. You’re starting school. Burke.”
She shrugged. “I’m fine.”
“I hate leaving you right now. I feel like I need to postpone my internship until…”
“No! Absolutely not. You can’t put your life on hold just because mine is a bit of a mess. This is important, something you’ve worked towards for years. You need to go.”
“I know, but…”
“No buts. I’ll be fine.” She gave him one final hug before she left for class.
***
Avery’s first class was English Literature. She’d always loved reading but had never found the time to indulge in any of the classics. The syllabus showed that they would be reading and dissecting three different novels over the semester. Not too taxing, but she worried that her study habits weren’t as polished as they had been a decade ago. She hoped she could do this.
Adam had been right about her appearance. The kids didn’t think she was too much older than them. She’d even been asked out on a date, which she respectfully declined, but it still made her feel good.
What would Burke say if he knew I’d been asked out by a kid fresh out of high school?
She stopped the thought from going any further. The fact that she even thought it at all made her sad. It didn’t matter what Burke would think. She’d seen to that.
As she made her way to her next class, she fell into a fog of sadness. What did she think she was doing? Everything had happened so fast in the last couple of months. First, getting involved with Burke, then losing her job, Adam’s graduation, and then the breakup. Now she was going back to college. She wasn’t ready for this, wasn’t ready to buckle down and get her life back on track. She hadn’t taken any time to grieve, to come to terms with everything that had happened. How did she expect to concentrate on her studies when her head was a jumbled mess?
She entered her classroom, took a seat in the back and opened her notebook.
“Good afternoon, students. This is…”
Avery tuned out the instructor as she thought about whether school was the right move for her right now. Clearly, she was having trouble focusing when thoughts of Burke popped into her head at every turn.
“…compassion, forgiveness, enlightenment. All basic elements of Buddhism. You’ll learn about the universal law of cause and effect…”
Avery’s head popped up at the professor’s words. Buddhism? Why were they talking about religion in her American History class? She looked over at the girl sitting next to her and saw her Introduction to Buddhism textbook and groaned.
“I know,” the girl whispered to her. “But my brother said this was a really easy course. The instructor really believes in the whole cause and effect thing and thinks it’s bad karma to fail anyone.”
Avery was just about to admit that she was in the wrong classroom when the professor’s words stopped her.
“Let’s talk about forgiveness today…we live in a society where forgiveness isn’t an essential part of life, where it isn’t taught, isn’t encouraged…forgiving someone their past transgressions can be one of the most freeing acts…”
Avery listened to the hour-long lecture, completely enraptured by what the professor was saying. Forgiveness. Could it be that easy? To simply forgive past wrongdoings in order to achieve happiness? To truly let the past go and divest herself of all the negativity?
She’d read a little on the subject years ago but hadn’t taken any of it to heart. But right now, in the situation she was in, it seemed almost prophetic that she’d stumbled into the wrong classroom and the instructor was speaking about forgiveness.
Could she do it? Could she release the past in order to move forward?
Avery had one more class that afternoon but her mind was in such chaos over the instructor’s words that she knew she wouldn’t be able concentrate. She stood and left with the rest of the class and decided to go home.
***
Avery had been pondering the instructor’s lecture for hours when Adam Skyped her.
“Oh, Adam. The place is beautiful.” He’d walked her through each room of his apartment.
“And check this view out.” He strolled out onto the balcony and turned his phone to the ocean. “Nice, huh?”
“Wow! Just gorgeous. You really got lucky with this internship. I’m so happy for you.”
He went back inside and turned the phone so they could chat face to face. “So tell me about your first day of class?”
“Eh. It was okay.” She didn’t tell him about her blunder with the religion class, didn’t tell him how the professor’s words had hit her like a ton of bricks and had put all sorts of ideas into her head. She had to work through a few more things before she could adequately explain what she’d learned.
“You don’t sound very excited. What’s up?”
“I don’t know. It’s just…I have a lot on my mind.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
What could she say? All evening she’d been struggling with what the professor had said about forgiveness, about the choices we make and how those choices have a domino effect. Had she made a mistake by ending things with Burke? Would she regret it for the rest of her life? Should she forgive him? These were the questions that kept running through her mind, and made doing homework im
possible.
“No, not yet. I…think I need to figure a few things out on my own first.”
Adam didn’t want to add to Avery’s stress but he needed to tell her. He’d wrestled with whether he should or not, but knew if she found out from anyone other than him, she would be furious. “You’re never going to believe what I found out.”
“What?”
“Guess who owns the company I’m working for?”
“Uh, Bill Gates?”
Adam laughed. “No. Burke Stone.”
“What?!”
“Yeah. When I got here, there was a basket sitting on the kitchen counter. Inside was a note welcoming me to the city and the company. It was signed by Burke.”
“How…why…” What the hell was he up to? Was this some sort of ploy to keep her close? To win her back? But then she remembered that Adam had gotten the internship before she’d even met Burke. “He arranged this to make sure you were okay.”
“Yeah, I thought the same thing. You aren’t mad, are you?”
“Is this the job you want? The company you want to work for?”
“Yes. Without a doubt. These guys are progressive, cutting edge, innovative. I’ve heard nothing but good things about the company. And they only hire two interns a year. Two, out of the entire country. And I was one of them. I don’t care how I got it but I want to keep it.”
“Then, no. I’m not mad. I just want you to be happy.”
“That’s all I want for you too, Avery. Can I say something without pissing you off?”
She already knew the subject he was going to bring up. “Sure,” she said with a heavy sigh.
“I think you’re making a mistake with Burke. I mean, he’s been looking out for us for ten years. He arranged for me to have a job, a great job, after I graduated. He paid for you to go back to school. The guy’s been nothing but generous.”
“I know. I’m…I think you might be right.”
“Finally! Call him,” Adam urged.
“Slow down. I just…”
“No! Before you put too much thought into this, before you can talk yourself out of it, just call him.”
“What would I even say to him?”
“Oh. Jeez. I don’t know. How about, I’m sorry, I jumped the gun, I love you?”
“What if he…”
“I’m going to hang up now. You call him the minute you get off the phone with me. Promise?”
“Okay, okay.” She chuckled at her brother’s persistence but couldn’t deny the excitement she felt at the idea of talking to Burke.
“Good luck. I love you.”
“I love you, too, Adam. And thanks.”
“What are little brothers for?”
She disconnected to the sound of his laughter.
As she stared at her phone for several minutes, she realized what she needed to say shouldn’t be done over the phone. She needed to see Burke in person, face to face, to say she was sorry, to ask him to reconsider their relationship.
She jumped up from the couch with a squeal, grabbed her car keys and headed out.
She arrived at Burke’s house and was surprised to see there were no lights on. Maybe he wasn’t home, maybe he’d gone out for the evening.
Maybe he was locked away in his bedroom with someone else.
She pushed that thought aside. She wouldn’t think negatively right now.
Remember what the professor said, she reminded herself as she parked and made her way to the front door.
She banged on the door knocker several times and waited. After a few moments passed and no one answered the door, she rang the bell and heard it echo through the house. She was just turning to leave when the door swung open.
An attractive woman stood in the doorway with an annoyed look on her face. Her clothes were a bit disheveled and her hair was in disarray. “Can I help you?”
Avery didn’t know what to say. It looked like she’d just interrupted this woman getting ready to have sex. Was this Burke’s current girlfriend? Had he replaced her so quickly? She instantly felt her stomach sink.
The woman stood and stared at her while impatiently tapping her foot.
“Is, uh, Burke, I mean, Mr. Stone in?”
“No.”
“Can I ask where he is?”
Apparently the woman wasn’t going to offer up any more information than necessary.
“He’s out of town.”
Out of town? “Where did he go?”
“That’s really none of your business. If Mr. Stone didn’t give you his agenda then obviously he doesn’t want you to know where he is.”
Avery was quickly becoming annoyed and suspicious. “Can I ask what you’re doing in his home, then?”
The woman huffed out an exasperated breath. “Not that it’s any of your business, but I’m housesitting.”
“For how long?”
“It’s open ended.”
Open ended? What did that mean? “And you aren’t going to tell me where Mr. Burke is?”
“No, I’m not. Look, I know who you are, Ms. Martin, and quite frankly, after the hell you’ve put him through over the last couple of weeks, I think it’s very improper for you to come to his home and demand to know where he is.”
Wow! Was this woman serious? “Who are you?”
“I’m Patty. I’m the receptionist at Dalton Printing.”
It didn’t please Avery that Burke had shared their breakup with a virtual stranger, but she had no control over it. “And he asked you to housesit?”
Just then a male voice sounded from somewhere in the house. “Babe, are you coming back to bed or not?”
“In a sec, Ted,” the woman shouted over her shoulder, then turned her attention back to Avery. “If you’ll excuse me.” Without waiting for a response, she slammed the door in Avery’s face.
What was she supposed to do now?
***
Avery couldn’t dwell on Burke any longer. It was killing her not knowing where he’d gone but she couldn’t do anything about it. She’d tried his cell phone but it had been disconnected. She didn’t want to keep going by his house to see if he was home yet, especially if she ran the risk of bumping into Patty again.
She had to let it go—come to terms with the fact that he was gone from her life.
With a deep sigh, she pulled the letter from its envelope and read it. Again.
The man who’d killed her parents was up for parole and the Department of Corrections wanted to know if she was going to be present at the hearing. She hadn’t told Adam yet. He didn’t need the added stress. Besides, he wouldn’t like what she was thinking about doing—but she wouldn’t keep it from him if she decided to go and testify.
Her initial thought was that, yes, she would go to the hearing and tell the Parole Board how he’d ruined her life and beg them to keep him in jail, to make him serve his whole sentence as punishment for what he’d done. But the words of the professor kept invading her mind, jumbling her thoughts.
Forgiveness. All she had to do was let the past go and forgive him. It sounded so easy, but when push came to shove, she didn’t know if she could just simply tell the man that she forgave him for taking her parents from her, for changing the course of her life through his stupid, selfish actions, for ruining any chance she had at normal.
But where had holding onto the anger gotten her?
Nowhere.
She took the letter and her glass of wine and headed out to the patio. She sat in the lounge chair and read the letter again.
The man who killed her parents probably didn’t care one way or the other how she felt, what she’d gone through all these years. His focus was probably on his punishment, how to survive in prison, when he would get out. Her life made no difference to him, to the situation he was in.
So how was the resentment she felt benefitting her in any way? It wasn’t. Carrying this around for all these years had succeeded in doing only one thing—causing her pain and sadness that made no difference to anyon
e other than her.
Is that what the power of forgiveness was all about? Realizing that the one who had harmed her was still harming her because she was allowing it? Realizing that once she let it go, it no longer had a hold on her life?
It all made sense to her—the whole concept—the cause and effect of a person’s life choices and consequences. And she knew what she had to do.
She immediately dialed Adam’s number. “I need to tell you something. Are you sitting down?”
***
It was finally the day before the hearing and Avery needed to tell Adam what she had decided. “The parole hearing is tomorrow. I’m going.” She knew her brother wouldn’t like it, but she had to go.
“Why are you doing this?”
“I know this sounds crazy but…I…want to tell him that I forgive him. I need him to know that his past actions no longer dictate my life. I know he won’t care, that it won’t make any difference, but I need to do this for me. It’s time.”
“Do you want me to go with you? I could catch the red-eye and…”
“No. Absolutely not. I can handle it on my own.” Avery wasn’t sure she could, but she’d learned so much about herself over the past week, she knew she at least needed to try. “How’s work?”
“Awesome! The company is great, the projects they have me working on are interesting and challenging, and the apartment is totally sweet.”
She hated to ask but she needed to know. “Have you seen…him?”
“No. I’ve asked around a little but no one seems to know where he is. Do you want me to keep digging?”
“No. That’s…not necessary.” She had hoped Adam would run into Burke, since he was working for his company, but it didn’t surprise her that he’d made himself scarce.
“Um, Avery, I, uh…met someone.”
“Oh, Adam. That’s wonderful! Tell me.”
“Her name is Stacey and she’s a yoga instructor.”
“Yoga? How’d you meet her?” She knew her brother didn’t do yoga. He lifted weights, ran, and played basketball. Yoga wasn’t in his wheelhouse.
“The company has an on-sight gym and she teaches a class.”
“You took a yoga class?” Avery couldn’t hide the surprise in her voice.