Let's Be Mature About This BN

by LaRuse, Renee

  I find myself thinking if I'd just throw away my convictions I could be with Gavin again. And I almost do, because it hurts so bad to not have him with me. So damn bad. Why would I bring someone into this world to feel a hurt like I'm feeling? To feel such disappointment?

  So many questions.

  Don't you love him? Oh, of course, with every single cell in my body.

  Can't I just talk this out with him? But he's angry at me. I don't blame him but I'm scared of him yelling at me, talking to me like those messages he left. On the other hand, I'm afraid of him agreeing with me, saying that he doesn't want kids and then regretting it years down the line. Or, I'm afraid I might give in, marry him and have his kids, and regret it years later as well.

  Aren't I too young to be married anyways? Isn't this happening too fast? We've only known each other five months! Maybe. Probably. I've just been fooling myself thinking I can handle being in a truly serious relationship. It's all I've ever wanted and I don't know what to do with it. He's all I've ever wanted and I ran away.

  I...I need him. I pride myself in being this strong individual but I need him. I'm not sure he needs me. He might want me but does he need me and all the issues, all the stupidity and naiveté that I bring to the table?

  Even though it hurts so incredibly bad I’m not going to be selfish and go back to him. I have to be mature about this. There are many fishes in the sea. I’m sure there is a girl out there that is closer to his age, that’s prettier, that his family will accept, and who’ll want to have his beautiful children. I just hope I never ever have to run into them in the future.

  ***

  “Dr. Ramirez will see you now.”

  Gavin stood up and walked into his psychiatrist’s office. “Hey Dr. Ramirez.”

  “Hello Mr. Caselle. Nice to see you again. What can I help you with today?”

  Gavin sat down on the leather sofa across from Dr. Ramirez’s desk. He watched as Dr. Ramirez smoothed his eyebrows and pushed up his glasses. Gavin smiled at the familiar gesture. “Well, there’s been another break up.”

  “How long was this relationship?”

  “About…five months.”

  “Only five months, but it seems like it was very serious.”

  “Yes. Yes it was.”

  “Why do you think it ended?”

  “She rejected my marriage proposal.”

  “Hmm. I’m sure that was very hard on you.”

  “Yes.”

  “She said no to the proposal so you ended it with her?”

  “No. I tried to talk to her but she wouldn’t answer my phone calls. And when I proposed she told me she didn’t want to get married because she didn’t want to have kids with me.”

  “What do you mean? Do you mean she didn’t want to have kids specifically with you? Or in general?”

  “I don’t know. I guess in general, but that still includes me doesn’t it?” Gavin said annoyed.

  “Once the reality of that rejection set in, what did you feel?”

  “I felt…angry. I put a hole through a wall in my apartment. With a statue. A marble statue.”

  “Well, that sounds as if you were quite angry. What did you feel next?”

  “The next day I was still angry and I felt really anxious and then I felt everything crash down on me. I felt dizzy and sick. And then I felt really horrible. I cried for almost an hour.”

  “You cried. That’s great. I think that it’s good that you allowed yourself to cry.”

  “Why? It didn’t fix anything.”

  “Remember when you were clinically depressed a year ago?”

  Gavin nodded.

  “Not once did you cry. You were still very restricted by your dad’s teachings. I think it is good that you cried. You will be able to move on and feel much healthier.”

  “I don’t want to move on. I want to get her back. She had issues with her dad leaving her family when she was younger. I need to convince her that I wouldn’t do that. I love her.”

  “I think that it would be best for you to focus on yourself right now. Don’t focus on her problems because only she can fix them.”

  “I am focusing on myself. She makes me the happiest I’ve ever been and I’ve never even slept with her! Doesn’t that say something? If I convince her that she can trust me and she decides to be with me then I’ll be happy again. Isn’t that good for me?”

  Dr. Ramirez shook his head. “Mr. Caselle, I truly believe it would be best for you to cut off contact with her for awhile and focus on yourself and the truth of your needs.”

  Gavin stood up from his seat. “I’m sorry doctor, you’ve been great and all, but I’m not going to listen to this. Sydney could do your job so much better.”

  “Wait. Mr. Caselle, we’re not done with our session. Mr. Caselle!”

  ***

  “Ciao Mama.” Gavin kissed his mother.

  “Oh, Gavie. It’s so good to see you.”

  “You haven’t called me Gavie in years.”

  “Well, you look like you need a bit of comforting. You don’t look like you’re getting enough sleep, baby. Come sit down and eat.”

  “That’s okay Mom. I’m not hungry.”

  Luisa gave him a hurt look. “Oh, how could you say that to your own mother?!”

  “Fine, I’ll have a plate.”

  Luisa clapped her hands together and went into the kitchen. She returned with a plate topped with a towering slice of tiramisu. Gavin’s jaw dropped but he knew better than to refuse it. She sat beside him and watched as he ate a small spoonful.

  “Is Dad home?”

  “No. He’s out playing golf with the guys.”

  Gavin felt relieved but only briefly. “So, you’re at home by yourself, Mom?”

  She shrugged her shoulders. “I’m used to it by now. Anyways,” Luisa grinned, “How’s you and Sydney?”

  Gavin looked down at the leaning tower of tiramisu in front of him. “It didn’t work out.”

  Luisa gasped. “What do you mean? Did you…?”

  “Yeah I proposed but…she said no.”

  “Oh, Gavin!” She lovingly ran a hand along his cheek and then smoothed back his hair. “I don’t understand! Was it because she wasn’t ready? Too young?”

  “No. She doesn’t want to have kids.”

  “Oh.” Luisa thought for a moment.

  “What?” Gavin noticed his Mom’s thoughtful expression.

  “Nothing. It’s just that I can understand where she’s coming from.”

  “Really?” Gavin said surprised.

  “Yes. I mean I love you and all but you were a piece of work! Oh, you were such a cute baby!” She pinched his cheek and he smiled and rolled his eyes. “I remember when you were a baby and you always had this diaper rash and it would go from your left butt cheek to your right cheek and back again. And I could never quite figure out what to do to stop it.”

  “Mom! Could we please get back to the subject?”

  “Oh, but the rash went away. Didn’t it sweetie? It sure did. Anyways, what was I saying? Oh yes, babies are a lot of work. Plus, they aren’t babies forever. Unfortunately they become teenagers with hormones all over the place who don’t tell you what they really want and get upset when you don’t give it to them and suddenly you have to knock before you enter their rooms! Then they’re holed up in their bedrooms but they want to know why they feel so lonely! Son, it’s hard work, parenting, and a guilty job. I feel bad everyday about the mistakes I made raising you.”

  “Mom, you’ve always been wonderful.”

  “Thanks but you don’t have to lie to me, honey. I’ve made my mistakes. I was too harsh on you in some situations and other times I should have been less of a pushover. And when they had to put you on that medication last year,” Luisa’s eyes began to water.

  “It’s not your fault. I had issues that had nothing to do with you. I’m not even on medication anymore. I haven’t been on it since I’ve been with Sydney. Was with Sydney.”

&nbs
p; “But those thoughts you had about yourself, the way you put yourself down all the time. That didn’t come from nowhere.”

  “And it didn’t come from you either. It came from Dad.”

  Luisa was quiet a moment. “Your dad means well. In his own mind he did what he had to do, however hard it may have been for you and for him, in order for you to be the best.”

  “Well his best is an impossible standard to meet. Don’t you remember all those times he’d make me clean the whole house when I wouldn’t place at my track meets, trying to emasculate me? Remember how he said I deserved to get on my hands and knees like the bitch I was and scrub until I was a winner? Until I was a man? You were there. You helped me pretend to be sick sometimes so I wouldn’t have to go to a meet and disappoint Dad again. But he accused me of not being man enough to go to the meet anyways. And the things he said about Sydney?”

  “I know,” Luisa lowered her head. “I didn’t know how to both stay loyal to my husband and contradict him to protect my son. I wish I had been stronger so that I could’ve saved you from some of his anger. You see? You see how the sins of the parents are laid upon the children?” Luisa sniffled.

  “You couldn’t have possibly protected me from everything. You had work and you had to keep the house together. You’re only human, Mom.”

  “So is your father,” Luisa pointed out.

  Gavin reluctantly admitted to himself that simple fact.

  “Your father…it’s hard for him too. He had it so bad when he was younger. So bad! I wish he could tell you what happened to him. He had no father. What he had was a monster. Then maybe you could understand. But, even then, your sadness is still there. We never quite get over what our parents’ issues were and then we pass the burden on to our children. I don’t want to scare you, Gavie. Having kids is an absolutely beautiful thing. I would love to have some grandchildren running around here! But you have to think about what you think would make you happy and what would truly make you happy. Si’?”

  “Si’.”

  “Luisa! I’m home!”

  Luisa and Gavin looked at each other. “I’m in the dining room, Daniel!” Luisa yelled. “Gavin’s here!”

  Mr. Caselle walked into the room and Gavin stood up from the table.

  “Hi Dad.”

  Mr. Caselle nodded in response.

  “Can I talk to you in your office?”

  Wordlessly Mr. Caselle turned around and headed for his office with Gavin following. He sat down in the big leather chair behind his desk and stared at his son. Mr. Caselle noticed the dark shadows under his eyes; the green eyes Gavin had gotten from Luisa. He wanted to ask him what was wrong but he couldn’t form the right words. His frustration with expressing something so simple with his son just made him feel angry.

  “Dad, I want you to know that I want to marry Sydney. I love her with everything in me. Things between her and I are rocky right now but they’ll get better if I figure some things out on my end. That includes understanding you. I know I told you I don’t care what you think or what you say, but I do. Papa, you can’t possibly mean all those things you say. Why can’t you see me happy and just let it be?”

  “Being happy for a moment isn’t good enough. You need to think long term. If you want to be happy in this world you have to be a winner at what you do. You’re doing alright at that advertisement firm, I give you credit for that, but you don’t have a winning attitude! You let girls walk all over you and turn you into a blubbering mess who needs to take pills to be normal!”

  “I’m not on the pills anymore.”

  “Well, good for you,” Daniel said, trying hard to take the sarcastic edge off of his voice. It was always hard, almost impossible, to say something positive to his son, especially when it had to do with how his son felt. As far as he was concerned, a real man didn’t whine and cry and have half as many feelings as Gavin did. He could already tell that Gavin had been crying and moping around over that teenager who apparently had the good sense to leave him. She must have realized how the relationship would wreck his son’s future as well as hers. Mr. Caselle wasn’t racist. He was just rational. He knew his son didn’t have what it takes to be married to a black woman. He’d never handle the controversy it would cause in public. The boy was weak. From the moment he’d seen the timid, sensitive glint in three-year-old Gavin’s eyes Mr. Caselle knew he would need to threaten it out of him. He’d been determined to make sure his son was strong, because he knew first hand there was evil in this world. The only way his son would make it in this world was to stop wearing his heart on his sleeve.

  “Where do you think my attitude comes from?” Gavin asked. “Was I born to think I was insignificant if I wasn’t on top of my game? I was genetically configured to call myself every name in the book until I was sure I knew I was worthless and wrong? I was made this way? To become a mad man when I lost? To get down on my hands and knees and punish myself when I didn’t get first prize? Dad, where do you think that came from?”

  Daniel was silent. Gavin had never spoken to him this way before.

  “Dad, I got it from you. You taught me to think this way. And did it work, Dad? Does it look like its working?” he said as the tears fell down his face. “I’m crying right now and all I want to do is hit myself! I hate myself for being human and for being imperfect. Sydney’s not talking to me…Do I look like a winner to you?! Is this what you had in mind?!”

  “No!” Daniel burst. The sight of his son crying was always unbearable. It frightened him, therefore it enraged him. “This is not at all what I had in mind! I wanted a son that was the best at what he did so that he could be more confident and stronger than I ever was!” Daniel slammed his fist onto his desk. “Maybe I should have broken your arm! Maybe I should have tried to drown you! But I could never bring myself to do to you what my dad did to me. Maybe I should have, and then you’d have turned out differently. The sniffling, miserable wreck sitting in front of me right now is not what I wanted at all!”

  Gavin managed a small, sad smile. “That’s all I wanted to hear.”

  Mr. Caselle’s brows furrowed, not understanding his son’s words.

  Mom had been telling Gavin for years that his father meant well, but Gavin had always been convinced that his father hated him, until now. Now he’d heard from his own father’s mouth that behind his harsh words was a man who had been broken once and who just didn’t want the same for his son. The funny thing was that the outcome his father feared most was exactly what he’d created: Gavin was broken. And maybe if his father hadn’t been so hard on him he would have been a more confident and strong person who believed he deserved the things he wanted in life. Then he would have never let Sydney walk away from him so easily that night on the beach.

  Gavin wiped the drying tears from his face and took a deep breath. He wondered if when he had children they’d be crying to him too when they got older and feeling the way he was feeling now; almost thirty years old and still hurting over what happened when he was a child. He wouldn’t wish this hurt on anyone. “I just hope that you can understand that what you say is only hurting me, not toughening me up, not making me a winner or making me happy. I want you to know that I love you, Dad. And for the first time in my life I think I see that you’ve loved me too.”

  Gavin’s dad looked at his son across the desk. Mr. Caselle felt a huge pain in his chest, words trying to come out, but as usual he couldn’t get them past his lips. Gavin nodded and left his father’s office.

  “So? How did it go?”

  “I think he understands now, Mom.”

  “Oh that’s great! He loves you so much. Do you know that, Gavie?”

  “I guess.”

  “My only son.” Luisa kissed him on both cheeks. “Tell me you’re going to find a way to talk to Sydney.”

  “I need to think about things some more, but you’re right. Making a child happy, trying to make another human being happy in this world is so hard.”

  “Gavin,” calle
d a deep voice. Luisa and Gavin turned to find Mr. Caselle standing there with his hands behind his back and his feet apart reminiscent of a soldier. He walked, slowly, towards his wife and son. Gavin tensed as his father drew closer and Luisa, standing beside him, squeezed on his arm. Daniel locked eyes with Gavin and Gavin watched as his father’s face softened. “I love you, Gavin.”

  Gavin was stunned. The last time he’d heard his father this emotionally available he had been six years old with a horrible stomach flu that had landed him in the hospital and still he hadn’t said he loved him. Gavin was even more stunned when his father pulled him into a firm hug. Slowly, Gavin raised his arms and hugged back. He couldn’t take the smile off of his face when his father said, “I’m sorry for what I said about Sydney. She seems like a good girl. She’s made you stronger than I ever have. Strong enough to talk to me the way you have lately. You have my blessing.”

  ***

  “Hello, Hannah.”

  “Hiya, Sydney,” Hannah winked.

  Sydney cringed as she swiped Hannah’s usual questionable items across the scanner and to the new bag boy. His name was Josh and he was very nice for a sixteen year old with a metal mouth and unfortunate acne. Josh was smart though, so Sydney appreciated that he could talk her through some of her college math assignments between customers. Plus, Sydney and he were the only black people who worked at Dennison’s so it was cool to work together. It was a momentary distraction from her heartbreak.

  She had been feeling better lately. She still couldn't sleep but she was getting used to the physical symptoms of her grief. She hardly noticed the soreness of her limbs and her eyes now stayed dry because she was all cried out. Sydney watched as Hannah’s short attention span went from a candy bar, to examining her nails, to smiling devilishly at a can of whipped topping she was buying, to looking at Josh.