The Corporate Bitch

by J. J. R.

  A few laughs. Finally, they are alive.

  “There isn’t much to know about me other than I love reading, writing, and spending lazy Sundays in fattening cafes curled up with a good book. Finn and I take long strolls through Central and are in a Diner’s Club with some of our dearest friends. Every Friday, we meet up at a new restaurant we’ve never tried before and have a whole little rating scale. It’s quite ridiculous and terribly painful on my waistline, but we love it. Okay, enough about me. Let me hear all of the great things about you guys!”

  Not bad, eh? I am almost impressed with myself. Confident, cool, collected. Except everyone is just staring at me. Everyone is afraid to go first.

  “How about you?” I point over to the youngest of the group. She is oddly staring at me with the most confidence. Perhaps she’s a good choice to start.

  “Me?” She points to her face. She’s about twenty-two or so and I would guess Graphic Designer #2 based on her streak of purple in hair. She’s wearing a hot pink blazer and bright red lipstick. “Uh, I do Graphic Design. I report to Graphic Designer #1 and I don’t know. What do you want me to talk about again?”

  I smile, trying to ease her nerves. “How about some of your greatest achievements at Allure? Anything you are particularly proud of?”

  “I guess the fall ad campaign is pretty bangin’. I mean it was way out of our comfort zone to move away from lifestyle shots. We did info graphics this time.” She raises her eyebrows, as if to gauge my response.

  “I saw that, Graphic Designer #2. Very solid idea. And how did it do compared to your typical lifestyle shot campaigns?” Good job, Melanie. Ask questions to show your expertise.

  “I dunno.” She shrugs. “I just do the designs.”

  “Okay, mmm hmm...anyone else care to offer feedback?” I glance around the room.

  “It did pretty well. Hi, I’m Marketing Manager. We saw about a five percent jump in leads. We’ve been pretty steady all year, so it was nice to see a bump. Although, we’re not sure if it is because the holidays are coming, could be a combination of any number of things.”

  “Thank you, Marketing Manager. You are most helpful. Why don’t you tell me a little bit about yourself?”

  She smiles. “Sure. I’ve been with Allure for about three years. We’ve got a great team and are doing some innovative things. In the past, we haven’t always had a full team, but it’s great to see the table finally full. I handle all of our general ad campaigns and PR, and work pretty closely with Digital Strategist. Together we target key groups through internet campaigns with special messaging. I’d say my most proud accomplishment this year so far was the ‘Ask Us’ campaign we rolled out a few months ago in our physician affiliates offices. It grew that network’s referrals over twenty percent.” She pauses and looks to the team. “It really was a team effort. So proud of these guys. A lot of heavy lifting from the graphics team and landing pages by Digital Strategist to pull it off. We never properly celebrated though.” She laughs a little.

  I know I’m not supposed to have favorites, but darn it, I love her already.

  “As far as personal? I’m from Brooklyn but live in Soho. I’m married and have one baby girl, Audrey, who is about to turn one. I don’t really have free time for hobbies, but if I did, I’m sure writing would be the top of the list. Enough about me though.” She motions to Digital Strategist who sits up a little straighter in his chair.

  “Hi.” He waves and flashes a set of straight white teeth. “Digital Strategist here. I started about the same time as Marketing Manager. We make a pretty good team, these guys.” The team laughs a little and I realize he is the most loved. “I manage our website, social media networks, and eblast campaigns with the support of an outside agency called Blue Hat Digital. Since we don’t have a programmer, I have to lean on them for development. I’d say most proud accomplishment? I guess I’d say the website redesign we completed late last year. It was a beast of a project but worth it. We now have a really current design and traffic has increased exponentially. Our Bounce Rate is under one percent.”

  “Wow, really? I’m amazed. I mean I know how beautiful and functional it is, trust me, our team researched it immensely, but under one percent? You should be mega proud.”

  Don’t say things like mega. And now I feel I’ve gone and made myself sound like I was leading a team of morons.

  “Cool,” he says without judgment.

  Okay, maybe he is my favorite. He is so cool. Very smart.

  “And as far as my personal life? I’m dad of one little boy, Brian, and we have another on the way. Should be here around Christmas. I echo Marketing Manager—I don’t even have a second to think at home between Legos and dance parties in our living room.” Everyone laughs, including me.

  “Okay, I need to know more about that later. How about you, Graphic Designer #1, I presume?” I smile toward the quiet one in the corner. She is taking it all in and laughing nervously from time to time.

  “Sure. I’m Graphic Designer #1, and I am the Brand Keeper and lead designer. Together, Graphic Designer #2 and I do some pretty cool things to support the work that Digital Strategist and Marketing Manager are doing. I’ve been here about five years and was pretty excited to lead the rebrand two years ago. I’d say that was my greatest accomplishment.”

  “Awesome! That was you? I tell you what, guys. I’m delighted to work with such a talented team. Anything you want so share about you personally, Graphic Designer #1? And #2 for that matter. I don’t think you shared anything personal.”

  Graphic Designer #1 points to #2, who shrugs. These two are cracking me up.

  “Uh, I don’t have much to share,” says #1. “I like to hike, swim, bike, run, you name it. I’m pretty outdoorsy, and I’ve got a pretty cool dog named Rosco.”

  “Very nice,” I say. “And #2?”

  “I like crafts. Crocheting, painting, whatever. And I love baking.”

  “Well there you go! See, I know so much more about you all already. And which one of you is the Copywriter?” I say pointing to the last two.

  “I am,” says Copywriter. “I’m Copywriter and it’s my job to write all of the content for our website, blogs, social media stuff sometimes and any type of corporate communication. I’d say all of my work is my favorite achievement. I can’t choose a favorite. As far as hobbies? I like to read a lot.” She shrugs and looks to Assistant. She looks so innocent, but in true millennial fashion is filled to brim with confidence.

  “Hi.” She beams and sits up straighter. “I’m Assistant! I’m in charge of all of the day to day work, phones, meetings, data entry, etc. I really love what I do and am here to help you with anything you need. I’d love to get together later today to start a list.” She is by far the most bright-eyed person I’ve ever met.

  Okay, maybe she’s my favorite.

  “Thank you, Assistant! You are already so helpful! A breath of fresh air,” I say and her chest puffs up a little.

  “Thank you! Oh, and my something personal? Umm…hmm...so much to say! I’ve been married for twenty-two years to the most wonderful man. I have two grown boys, one a freshman in college and the other a senior in high school. I’ll never get to plan a wedding the way the mother of the bride would, so consider me your personal assistant for the wedding, too! I love weddings!”

  Is she going to leap across this table and hug me? She is adorable.

  “Oh my goodness, thank you Assistant. I would love that. I’m from Missouri, so my family is pretty far away. I might actually have to take you up on that one.”

  I sit back in my chair, suddenly aware of the dryness of my mouth. It is as if Assistant reads my mind and races over to the mini-fridge for a large bottle of water. I take it gratefully. She is already the best Assistant a girl could dream of.

  “Well, team! I know we all have a ton of work to do. Feel free to just go about your normal routines, and I will jump in from time to time to ask questions and learn. Over the next couple weeks we’ll have va
rious learning meetings and spend some quality one on one time. I really appreciate your time this morning.” I nod affirmatively, striving to leave on a strong note.

  I study their faces. My team’s faces. Assistant eagerly grinning, #1 looking everywhere but my eyes, #2 with her head tilted confidently, Digital Strategist leaning back with his leg tucked up ankle to knee, Marketing Manager hands folded in lap with a pleasing smile, and Copywriter doodling in her notebook, clearly wanting to be anywhere from here.

  My team. I sigh with utter pride, ready to take on the world. They love me, I say inwardly. They just don’t know it yet.

  * * * *

  The rest of the day is filled with a few additional meetings with Assistant, Marketing Manager, and the IT department to get my office all set. I barely have time to take a sip of water before I see the sun setting and people filing out for the day. I stay until six thirty, opening up my email for the first time, finally at the end of the day. I smile to myself as I scroll through over forty emails already. I’ve been copied in to the team’s communication to vendors, one another, other members of the company. Each of the team has also sent me a summary of their responsibilities and goals for the year. There are a few all staff emails, team happy hours, birthday celebrations, benefit information and so on. And finally, at the very bottom, the email I am almost too eager to open.

  Subject: Welcome

  Sent From: CEO

  Melanie-

  Welcome to Allure! I trust your first day as been up to our high standards. I’ve learned from our President, Queen Bee, that you are exactly what we need and we are glad to have you. I think your expertise will take us to the next level. We have lofty goals to achieve and I look forward to hearing about your vision. It is always helpful to have an expert from other companies to come in and offer their feedback. That is what will help us grow. We can’t be stagnant in the way we have always been. We need to shake things up. Question things. Try new things. Don’t engage in the politics. I look to you, Melanie to lead us in that direction. Let’s do coffee soon.

  —CEO

  P.S. Tell your team they are on my list for a lunch treat.

  I lean back in my chair and watch the last office light click off for the evening. Puppet Master’s. I haven’t even had a chance to say hello today. I regret that immediately. I hear her clicking in my directly. I smooth my hair back and sit up straight in my chair. She stops at my door and studies my name in gold letters.

  “That was fast!” She lets out a little laugh. “Took them over three months to get my name on my door. How was your first day?” She comes in, or rather steps straight out of a catalog with her tight, pencil skirt and crisp white button-down shirt, tan cardigan and cream pumps.

  “It has been wonderful! I haven’t even had a moment to pee, but every second was worth it. Sorry, I kept meaning to come down and say hello.”

  I watch her face change from greeting to understanding. “Don’t apologize.” She waves her hand in agreement. “My first day left me crying in the bathroom! This place moves fast and you’re lucky if you have a moment to check your email. You’ll do great though. And I’m just down the hall if you need anything. We are excited to have you here.” She reaches in her large Prada bag and pulls out a chocolate bar. “Here you go, Mel. Something to keep the energy up. Don’t stay too late though, work will always be here tomorrow. Ciao!” She turns on her heels and clicks away toward the elevators.

  I clutch the chocolate bar to my chest and internally condemn myself for not making time for her today. After all, she is the reason I’m here. I should have gone in to see her straight away. And a gift! She is the best.

  I type out a quick thank you note and shut down my laptop. What a day. It has been perfect in every regard. And to hear from CEO? His note was absolutely perfect. I tuck my things into my bag and turn off my light, letting the glow of the office illuminate my name.

  “Melanie Michaels,” I say, tracing the outline. “You go, girl,” I whisper and lift my leg into a little high kick before I make my way to the elevator.

  Yes.

  Bitch Problem:

  A Chronic Bully is a real challenge. Sometimes you will encounter a bully who has issues with someone at work thus targeting them. Or maybe, they are simply trying to get ahead and determined to do so at all costs. However, a Chronic Bully is completely unaware and never driven to self-improve.

  Throughout the week, I slowly make my way around to meet everyone. Puppet Master herself makes over ten introductions. She said it’s important to meet her close friends first. I am delighted, picturing future lunches, martinis overlooking the cityscape. I just know I’ll love them if they are anything like Puppet Master. We are going to get on like bees to honey.

  Introductions (with additional commentary provided by Puppet Master) include:

  —Pawn: Early thirties, Lead Sales Manager, enamored by Puppet Master

  —Jock: Early forties, Head of Analytics, obsessed with Fantasy Football and her precious trophy from last year

  —Mentor: Early fifties, HR Director, keeps to herself, smart but probably too ambitious

  —Bestie: Late twenties, Internal Communications Manager, sharply dressed, flamboyant and a pure delight

  —Martyr: Late fifties, Head of IT, been with the company for over thirty years but never happy

  —Vain: Late twenties, Merchandising Director, too tight of clothes, sleeps with everyone

  —Sleaze: Late thirties, Finance Manager, gorgeous, impeccably dressed, broke Pawn’s heart

  Puppet Master had a great deal to say about everyone, giving me the scoop.

  “Vain gets around, a lot,” she whispers through the halls. “I don’t gossip, trust me, but you should know that about her. And Martyr? He is constantly offended. Bestie is sometimes willing to get a drink. He’s great to gossip with. You can trust Pawn, Jock, and Bestie with your life. Oh, and me, of course.”

  “Okay, got it,” I say, urgently walking behind her. I should never have worn heels today. I look like a panicked giraffe baby following behind his graceful mother.

  “And Jock? She’s always up for a good time. She has two little kids and her husband is always desperate to get her home, but she’s one of us gals, for sure. We forgive her for her obsession with football, a world I totally don’t understand. And Sleaze? He’s a flirt; Vain as a man. Be careful with that one.”

  “Gotcha,” I say and try desperately to keep up with her rapid pace.

  “So there you have it…” She pauses in the middle of the hallway. “You’ve met the team. Now we just need to get you out for a little liquid therapy. Free Monday?” She raises a brow and grins, as if she’s keeping a wicked secret. I won’t lie. I am already obsessed with her. “And then!”

  “And then?” I ask.

  “We decorate your office! You have a budget for that.”

  “Really?” I’m stunned. Where else on earth am I going to get an office decorating budget?

  “Yep, be thinking about your color scheme. Appearances are everything around here. Alrighty, I have a lunch date. Catch up later?”

  “Sure!” I say, grateful for every single second she has taken, despite my stupid start. “Oh, and Puppet Master? One last thing?”

  “Hmm?” She turns back.

  “This is so embarrassing, but I don’t think I ever discussed my salary before accepting the position. Isn’t that terrible?” I bite my lip, waiting for her judgment.

  “Oh, no! That’s our mistake. I’m the embarrassed one, for Queen Bee that is. I’ll have her email you the figure this afternoon. Don’t worry, it is more than likely an obscenely larger amount than you are expecting. We do everything big here at Allure.” She smiles widely.

  “Well, okay then! Thanks!”

  “My pleasure.” She offers a wave and clicks down the hall.

  * * * *

  The following day I’m stunned to see the presence of Queen Bee at my door. She’s been absent every moment since I started. I can hea
r her laugh down the halls, feel her magnificent presence, but have yet to have a sighting. Until now. Here she is, in all her grandeur.

  “Darling girl! I can’t believe it’s Friday, and I’m just now getting around to chatting with you. Did you get my flowers? Don’t they smell divine?”

  I rise out of my chair to greet her. “You shouldn’t have! They are stunning and put me right at ease. I am loving it here by the way.”

  “As if you wouldn’t? This place is spectacular. You are spectacular. The supremely perfect choice. And to celebrate, I came by to take you to lunch. Free now?”

  “Of course! I’m honored.” I rush over to close out of my computer and grab my bag before following her overpowering scent of jasmine toward the parking garage to climb into her brand new Maserati. The garage attendants graciously open the door for us and I see her slip each of them a twenty dollar bill.

  She chats away, her red curls blowing out of the sunroof as she zips in and around the streets of Manhattan. I barely hear a word, enamored by her zest for her life, her jewelry, this car. She is the total package. Everything a woman could ever hope to be. Everything I could ever hope for.

  I watch as she expertly parallel parks her car made of money in front of Wine Disciples Enoteca.

  “I know this place is a bit under the radar, but the food is divine. They are destined to be chic. I sometimes sneak away here by myself for a bit of Bombolini and a good book after yoga. It decompresses me.” She sighs. “Hi Andre. My usual spot, please?”

  Andre, the stunning waiter that must moonlight in the Broadway world, leads us to a cozy corner.

  “Two of your Spritz Venezianos, please baby?” she croons, and he whisks away to mix up some surprises at the bar. She looks back to me with a girlish grin. “Our secret,” she says and puts her long, blood-red nails to her lips. “I honestly don’t know why a little drink for lunch ever went out of fashion. It is my personal secret to a low stress work day. How can you get frustrated if you’re relaxed from a lovely cocktail?”