Drunk With Blood

by Steve Wells

  Balaam also … they slew with the sword. 31.8b

  Then they took the women and children captive, collected their animals and valuables, burned the cities, and returned to Moses.

  The children of Israel took all the women of Midian captives, and their little ones, and took the spoil of all their cattle, and all their flocks, and all their goods. 31.9

  But Moses wasn’t pleased. Here’s what he said:

  Moses was wroth with the officers … Have ye saved all the women alive? Behold, these caused the children of Israel … to commit trespass against the LORD … and there was a plague. 31.14-16

  Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves. 31.17-18

  [You see, it was the Midianite women who had sex with the Israelites (25).]

  So that’s what they did. They went back and killed all the non-virgin women, keeping the 32,000 virgins alive for themselves. (I’m not sure how they separated the virgins from the non-virgins, but God probably helped out with that.)

  The booty, being … thirty and two thousand persons in all, of women that had not known man by lying with him. 31.32-35

  Since there were 32,000 virgin women saved alive as booty, I figured there must have been about 200,000 killed in this episode, which would include all of the males (men, boys, babies) and non-virgin females.

  27. God slowly killed the Israelite army

  Deuteronomy 2.14-16

  Estimated Number Killed: 500,000

  Israelite soldiers

  This is another strange one. For some reason God decided to slowly kill the entire Israelite army.

  The space in which we came from Kadeshbarnea, until we were come over the brook Zered, was thirty and eight years; until all the generation of the men of war were wasted out from among the host, as the LORD sware unto them. For indeed the hand of the LORD was against them, to destroy them from among the host, until they were consumed. So … all the men of war were consumed and dead from among the people. Deuteronomy 2.14-16

  It’s hard to understand, isn’t it? But it sure sounds like God killed the entire Israelite army—slowly—over a period of 38 years.

  It’s not a very impressive killing, though, as God’s killings go. He mostly just waited for them all to die of natural causes. Prostate cancer, heart attack, stroke.

  But God claims to have killed them all himself, so I guess we should give him credit. How many old soldiers do you think died because “the hand of the Lord was against them?”

  Well, they started off with 603,550 soldiers.

  All those that were numbered of the children of Israel … from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war in Israel … were six hundred thousand and three thousand and five hundred and fifty. Numbers 1.45-46

  And the only people that the Bible mentions dying along the way are those that God killed, which total a bit over 50,000. But I suppose some people must have died of natural causes over the 38 year period. So I’ll just say that God killed 500,000 soldiers.

  28. God the giant killer

  Deuteronomy 2.20-23

  Estimated Number Killed: 5,000

  Giants

  After God kills off the old soldiers in his early retirement program (27) and before the new, youthful army begins to kill again for him, he brags a bit about some of his past killings. He is especially proud of knocking off an entire race of giants, the Zamzummim.

  That also was accounted a land of giants: giants dwelt therein in old time; and the Ammonites call them Zamzummims; A people great, and many, and tall, as the Anakims; but the LORD destroyed them before them; and they succeeded them, and dwelt in their stead. Deuteronomy 2.20-21

  There were a few other groups that God also killed that I don’t think I’ve accounted for yet: the Horim, Avim, and the Caphtorim.

  As he did to the children of Esau, which dwelt in Seir, when he destroyed the Horims from before them; and they succeeded them, and dwelt in their stead even unto this day: And the Avims which dwelt in Hazerim, even unto Azzah, the Caphtorims, which came forth out of Caphtor, destroyed them, and dwelt in their stead. 2.22-23

  The Bible doesn’t say how many were in these groups. So I’ll just guess 5,000 for the lot of them.

  29. God hardens King Sihon’s heart so that all his people can be killed

  Deuteronomy 2.33-36

  Estimated Number Killed: 5,000

  King Sihon and his cities

  After God killed off all the old soldiers (27) and at least most of the giants (28), it was time to get what was left of the Israelite army moving again.

  Rise ye up, take your journey, and pass over the river Arnon: behold, I have given into thine hand Sihon the Amorite, king of Heshbon, and his land: begin to possess it, and contend with him in battle. Deuteronomy 2.24

  God tells them to terrorize the current occupants of the land they are about to steal. The entire world will fear, tremble, and anguish at the very thought of them.

  This day will I begin to put the dread of thee and the fear of thee upon the nations that are under the whole heaven, who shall hear report of thee, and shall tremble, and be in anguish because of thee. 2.25

  The Israelites begin by lying about their true intentions. They send messengers to King Sihon asking to pass through his land, promising to pay for food and water along the way.

  I sent messengers … unto Sihon king of Heshbon with words of peace, saying, Let me pass through thy land: I will go along by the high way, I will neither turn unto the right hand nor to the left. Thou shalt sell me meat for money, that I may eat; and give me water for money, that I may drink: only I will pass through on my feet. 2.26-28

  But then God runs into a bit of a problem. What if King Sihon agrees to let the Israelites pass through his land? Then the Israelites wouldn’t get to kill all of his people. So God has a brilliant idea: he’ll harden King Sihon’s heart so that he won’t let them pass. [It worked so well with the Pharaoh (9) that God thought he’d try it again here.]

  But Sihon king of Heshbon would not let us pass by him: for the LORD thy God hardened his spirit, and made his heart obstinate, that he might deliver him into thy hand. 2.30

  And God’s plan worked perfectly. After God hardened King Sihon’s heart, he refused to let the Israelites pass and fought to protect his land. Which gave God and the Israelites all the excuse they needed to kill the king along with every man, woman, and child in every city in the kingdom.

  And the LORD our God delivered him before us; and we smote him, and his sons, and all his people. And we took all his cities at that time, and utterly destroyed the men, and the women, and the little ones, of every city, we left none to remain. … There was not one city too strong for us: the LORD our God delivered all unto us. 2.33-36

  Sometimes God has to harden a heart in order to kill thousands of people.

  Since everyone in every city was killed, and there seemed to be quite a few, I guessed 1000 were killed from each of five cities, for a total of 5000.

  30. All the men, women, and children in 60 cities

  Deuteronomy 3.3-6, Numbers 21.33-35

  Estimated Number Killed: 60,000

  Og and the people of Bashan

  I suppose I could call this God’s 30th to 89th killings, since there must have been 60 separate killing events. If God did the killing himself, he could have done it all at once. But he was relying on people to do his killing for him, so it must have taken some time. First the Israelites had to go to city 1 and kill all the men, women, and children that lived there, then on to city 2, and so on up to the 60th city. But since the Bible lumps all 60 killings together, I will too.

  The Bible doesn’t spend a lot of time on these killings. Only 4 verses.

  So the LORD our God delivered into our hands Og also, the king of Bashan, and all his people: and we smote him until none was left to him remai
ning. And we took all his cities at that time, there was not a city which we took not from them, threescore cities, all the region of Argob, the kingdom of Og in Bashan. … And we utterly destroyed them, as we did unto Sihon king of Heshbon, utterly destroying the men, women, and children, of every city. Deuteronomy 3.3-6

  (The story is also told in Numbers 21.33-35)

  Although God is proud of all of his killings, he is especially proud of killing King Og and his people, since they were the last of the giants. Og, for example, had a bed that was 13.5 feet long!

  For only Og king of Bashan remained of the remnant of giants; behold his bedstead … nine cubits was the length thereof, and four cubits the breadth of it, after the cubit of a man. 3.11

  Here’s what Moses says when he’s encouraging Joshua to carry on God’s killing tradition.

  Thine eyes have seen all that the LORD your God hath done unto these two kings: so shall the LORD do unto all the kingdoms whither thou passest. Ye shall not fear them: for the LORD your God he shall fight for you … For what God is there in heaven or in earth, that can do according to thy works, and according to thy might? 3.21-24

  And Moses has a point here. What other god has killed as many as the God of the Bible?

  (Since the Israelites killed everyone in 60 cities, I put the death toll at 60,000.)

  31. The Jericho massacre

  Joshua 6.21

  Estimated Number Killed: 1,000

  The people of Jericho

  Jericho is one of God’s more famous killings. And believers seem to like it a lot. They sing songs about it, and tell their children about it.

  Here’s how it goes.

  God tells Joshua that he has given the city of Jericho into his hands and that he and his men should march around the city every day for six days with seven priests marching before the ark blowing seven trumpets made of rams’ horns.

  The LORD said unto Joshua, See, I have given into thine hand Jericho, and the king thereof, and the mighty men of valour. And ye shall compass the city, all ye men of war, and go round about the city once. Thus shalt thou do six days. And seven priests shall bear before the ark seven trumpets of rams’ horns. Joshua 6.2-4a

  On the seventh day the seven priests will march around seven times blowing their seven trumpets. They’ll make a long blast, everyone will yell, and the walls will fall down.

  The seventh day ye shall compass the city seven times, and the priests shall blow with the trumpets. And it shall come to pass, that when they make a long blast with the ram’s horn, and when ye hear the sound of the trumpet, all the people shall shout with a great shout; and the wall of the city shall fall down flat. 6.4b-5

  So the trumpets sounded and the people yelled and the walls came tumbling down.

  On the seventh day… they compassed the city seven times. And … at the seventh time, when the priests blew with the trumpets, Joshua said unto the people, Shout; for the LORD hath given you the city. … So the people shouted when the priests blew with the trumpets: and … the wall fell down flat. 6.15-20

  Then Joshua told the soldiers to kill everyone in the city as an offering to God, except for the prostitute, Rahab, and her family. But all the silver, gold, bronze, and iron belonged to God alone.

  The city shall be accursed, even it, and all that are therein, to the LORD: only Rahab the harlot shall live, she and all that are with her in the house, because she hid the messengers that we sent. And ye, in any wise keep yourselves from the accursed thing, lest ye make yourselves accursed, when ye take of the accursed thing, and make the camp of Israel a curse, and trouble it. But all the silver, and gold, and vessels of brass and iron, are consecrated unto the LORD: they shall come into the treasury of the LORD. 6.17-19

  So the soldiers went into the city and killed everything in it. Men, women, young, old, cattle, sheep, and donkeys. But they spared Rahab and her family.

  They utterly destroyed all that was in the city, both man and woman, young and old, and ox, and sheep, and ass, with the edge of the sword. … And Joshua saved Rahab the harlot alive, and her father’s household, and all that she had 6.21-25

  (Rahab and her family were spared because she protected the Israelite spies by lying about their whereabouts. I don’t know how they survived when the wall fell down, since her house was on the wall. I guess it was a miracle or something.)

  Then they burned everything in the city, except for the gold, silver, iron, and bronze, which they put into God’s treasury.

  They burnt the city with fire, and all that was therein: only the silver, and the gold, and the vessels of brass and of iron, they put into the treasury of the house of the LORD. 6.24

  After destroying Jericho, Joshua said that whoever rebuilt the city would be cursed by God and be forced to sacrifice his oldest and youngest sons.

  Joshua adjured them at that time, saying, Cursed be the man before the LORD, that riseth up and buildeth this city Jericho: he shall lay the foundation thereof in his firstborn, and in his youngest son shall he set up the gates of it. 6.26

  (According to 1 Kings 16.34, this prophecy was fulfilled when Hiel rebuilt Jericho. God made him lay the foundation with the body of his oldest son and set up the gates with his youngest son’s body “according to the word of the Lord.”)

  Estimated number killed: 1000.

  32. Achan and his family are stoned and burned to death

  Joshua 7.24-26

  Estimated Number Killed: At least 5

  Achan and his family

  The story begins with Joshua sending spies to the land of Ai. The spies return saying Ai would be easy to conquer, requiring only a few thousand men.

  Joshua sent men from Jericho to Ai … and spake unto them, saying, Go up and view the country. And the men went up and viewed Ai. And they returned to Joshua, and said …let about two or three thousand men go up and smite Ai … for they are but few. Joshua 7.2-3

  So Joshua sent 3,000 soldiers, but they were defeated by the men of Ai, who killed about 36 of them.

  So there went up thither of the people about three thousand men: and they fled before the men of Ai. And the men of Ai smote of them about thirty and six men. 7.4-5

  When Joshua heard what had happened, he tore his clothes, fell on his face, and put dirt on his head, thereby proving that he was a real Bible character.

  Joshua rent his clothes, and fell to the earth upon his face before the ark of the LORD until the eventide, he and the elders of Israel, and put dust upon their heads. 7.6

  He then asked God why they were defeated.

  Joshua said, Alas, O LORD God, wherefore hast thou at all brought this people over Jordan, to deliver us into the hand of the Amorites, to destroy us? 7.7

  God told Joshua to get up off his face.

  The LORD said unto Joshua, Get thee up; wherefore liest thou thus upon thy face? 7.10

  And then God said that the Israelites were defeated by Ai because someone took an accursed thing during the Jericho Massacre.

  Israel hath sinned … for they have even taken of the accursed thing … and they have put it even among their own stuff. Therefore the children of Israel could not stand before their enemies, but turned their backs before their enemies, because they were accursed: neither will I be with you any more, except ye destroy the accursed from among you. 7.11-12

  God told Joshua what he needed to do to get back to successful genocide: burn to death the man with the accursed thing, along with his family.

  He that is taken with the accursed thing shall be burnt with fire, he and all that he hath. 7.15

  God even pointed out the guy. His name was Achan.

  In the morning therefore ye shall be brought according to your tribes: and it shall be, that the tribe which the LORD taketh shall come according to the families thereof; and the family which the LORD shall take shall come by households; and the household which the LORD shall take shall come man by man. … So Joshua rose up early in the morning, and brought Israel by their tribes; and the tribe of Judah w
as taken: And he brought the family of Judah; and he took the family of the Zarhites: and he brought the family of the Zarhites man by man; and Zabdi was taken: And he brought his household man by man; and Achan, the son of Carmi, the son of Zabdi, the son of Zerah, of the tribe of Judah, was taken. 7.14-18

  So Joshua ordered Achan to confess.

  Joshua said unto Achan … make confession unto him; and tell me now what thou hast done; hide it not from me. 7.19

  And he did.

  Achan answered Joshua, and said, Indeed I have sinned against the LORD God of Israel, and thus and thus have I done: When I saw among the spoils a goodly Babylonish garment, and two hundred shekels of silver, and a wedge of gold of fifty shekels weight, then I coveted them, and took them; and, behold, they are hid in the earth in the midst of my tent, and the silver under it. 7.20-21

  Joshua then rounded up Achan, his family, his livestock, and all their possessions. “And all Israel stoned them with stones and burned them with fire, after they had stoned them with stones.” And that made God less angry.

  And Joshua …took Achan … and his sons, and his daughters, and his oxen, and his asses, and his sheep … And Joshua said, Why hast thou troubled us? the LORD shall trouble thee this day. And all Israel stoned him with stones, and burned them with fire, after they had stoned them with stones. … So the LORD turned from the fierceness of his anger. 7.24-26

  Since Achan’s sons and daughters were stoned and burned along with him, there must have been at least 5 victims here. (No mention is made of his wife.)

  33. The Ai massacre

  Joshua 8.21-29

  Number Killed: 12,000

  The king and people of Ai

  After stoning and burning to death Achan and his family (32), Joshua was back in the genocide business.

  God told Joshua to do unto Ai as they did unto Jericho, except that this time the Israelites could keep some of the loot for themselves (instead of giving it all to him).

  Thou shalt do to Ai and her king as thou didst unto Jericho and her king: only the spoil thereof, and the cattle thereof, shall ye take for a prey unto yourselves. Joshua 8.2