Drunk With Blood

by Steve Wells

  So Samson didn’t get his 30 sets of sheets and garments.

  Samson was pissed. He accused his guests of…well, I’m not sure what. Here’s what he said:

  If ye had not plowed with my heifer, ye had not found out my riddle. 14.18

  So the party animals plowed with Samson’s heifer and they found out his riddle.

  And then God gets involved again.

  The Spirit of the LORD came upon him, and he went down to Ashkelon, and slew thirty men of them, and took their spoil, and gave change of garments unto them which expounded the riddle. 14.19

  So Samson went to another Philistine town (Ashkelon) and, when the Spirit of the Lord came upon him, killed 30 men and took their clothes to give to the guys at his party for solving the riddle.

  Oh, and then in the next verse, Samson’s new wife is given to the best man at his wedding.

  But Samson’s wife was given to his companion, whom he had used as his friend. 14.20

  So everything worked out according to God’s plan. Samson’s brief (1 week) marriage, the lion and honey episode, the clever riddle, and the clothing bet. It was all carefully planned by God so that, in the end, Samson would murder thirty men for their clothes.

  The Lord works in mysterious ways.

  Oh, did you get Samson’s riddle? Me neither.

  54. The spirit of the Lord came upon Samson and he killed 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass

  Judges 15.14-15

  Number Killed: 1000

  Philistines

  In the last killing (53), we saw that Samson’s brief (week-long) marriage to a Philistine woman was prearranged by God so that Samson would murder 30 Philistines for their clothes. That was the first chapter of Samson’s life (Judges 14). Here’s the next.

  After Samson murdered the 30 Philistines, he went to his wife’s house to have sex with her. He even brought a young goat along to pay her for her services.

  Samson visited his wife with a kid; and he said, I will go in to my wife into the chamber. Judges 15.1

  But then her father had to tell him the bad news: he had given Samson’s wife to one of his Philistine friends because he thought that Samson “hated” her.

  Her father said, I verily thought that thou hadst utterly hated her; therefore I gave her to thy companion. 15.2a

  His father-in-law suggested that Samson just take his younger daughter. Heck, she’s prettier anyway, isn’t she?

  Is not her younger sister fairer than she? take her, I pray thee, instead of her. 15.2b

  But Samson didn’t want his wife’s little sister. He wanted his wife back, because as you’ll recall from the last killing, “She pleased Samson well.”

  So Samson had an idea, an idea that only one of God’s special heroes could come up with. He’d catch 300 foxes, tie their tails together, light them on fire, and set them loose in the Philistine’s grain fields. Maybe then the Philistines would give him his wife back.

  Samson went and caught three hundred foxes, and took firebrands, and turned tail to tail, and put a firebrand in the midst between two tails. And when he had set the brands on fire, he let them go. 15.4-5

  But it didn’t work out as planned. After the burning foxes destroyed their fields, the Philistines didn’t give Samson his wife back; they burned her and her father to death.

  Then the Philistines said, Who hath done this? And they answered, Samson … because he had taken his wife, and given her to his companion. And the Philistines came up, and burnt her and her father with fire. 15.6

  In response, Samson smote the Philistines “hip and thigh” with a great slaughter. (I’m not including this killing on God’s list, since the Bible doesn’t tell us that “the Spirit of the Lord came upon him” or otherwise directly say that God was involved.)

  Samson said unto them, Though ye have done this, yet will I be avenged of you, and after that I will cease. And he smote them hip and thigh with a great slaughter. 15.7-8

  Then Samson went to hang out “in the top of the rock Etam” for a while. While he was there, 3000 men of Judah came, tied him up and took him to the Philistines. When they delivered Samson “the Spirit of the Lord came upon him” and he broke the ropes and killed 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass.

  The spirit of the Lord came mightily upon him … And he found a new jawbone of an ass and slew a thousand men therewith. 15.14-15

  Samson was thirsty after the killing, so God made water come out of the same jawbone so that Samson could get a drink.

  He was sore athirst, and called on the LORD, and … God clave an hollow place that was in the jaw, and there came water thereout; and when he had drunk, his spirit came again. 15.18-19

  Does anyone really believe this stuff? Well, yes they do, unfortunately. Over two billion people believe (or pretend to believe) that this story actually happened exactly as it is recorded in Judges 15. Samson tied the tails of 300 foxes together and set them on fire and then he killed 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass.

  Of course most believers have never read the story and don’t even know it exists, but they believe it anyway, completely and implicitly, because they believe that everything in the Bible is true.

  It’s easier to believe in stories like this if you don’t know they exist.

  55. Samson killed 3000 in a suicide terrorist attack

  Judges 16.27-30

  Number Killed: 3,000

  Philistines

  After Samson finished killing 1000 men with a jawbone of an ass (54), he had sex with a prostitute.

  Then went Samson to Gaza, and saw there an harlot, and went in unto her. Judges 16.1

  At midnight he left the prostitute and ripped out the doors and gate posts of the city and carried them to the top of a hill.

  Samson lay till midnight, and arose at midnight, and took the doors of the gate of the city, and the two posts, and went away with them, bar and all, and put them upon his shoulders, and carried them up to the top of an hill that is before Hebron. 16.3

  Then Samson saw and fell in love with Delilah.

  Afterward … he loved a woman … whose name was Delilah. 16.4

  Now Delilah was paid by the Philistines to find the magical source of Samson’s strength and how he could be restrained. So she asked Samson three times about it, while some Philistines hid in another room.

  The first time that she asked, he said that he’d become as weak as any other man if he were tied up with bowstrings. So she did that and then shouted, “Hey Samson, the Philistines are coming!” But he broke the bowstrings as though they were burnt strings. (16.6-9)

  She asked again and he told her to use ropes. So she tied him with ropes and then shouted, “Hey Samson, the Philistines are coming!” But he broke the ropes like they were threads. (16.10-12)

  She asked him a third time, and he told her to weave his seven braids into a cloth and fasten the whole mess to the wall. So she did that and then shouted, “Hey Samson (you dumb shit), the Philistines are coming!” But he broke out of that one, too. (16.13-14)

  But Delilah didn’t give up. She kept pestering him until finally Samson told her the true source of his strength. It was his hair. If his hair was shaved off, he’d become as weak as any other man.

  If I be shaven, then my strength will go from me, and I shall become weak, and be like any other man. 16.17

  So when Samson fell asleep on her lap, she cut his hair. And both the Lord and his strength departed from him.

  She made him sleep upon her knees … to shave off the seven locks of his head … and his strength went from him … the LORD was departed from him. 16.19-20

  Then the Philistines captured Samson, gouged out his eyes, and put him in prison.

  The Philistines took him, and put out his eyes, and brought him down to Gaza, and bound him with fetters of brass; and he did grind in the prison house. 16.21

  Later at one of their big parties, the Philistines brought Samson out to entertain them. Here’s what happened.

  Now the house was fu
ll of … about three thousand men and women … And Samson called unto the LORD, and said, O Lord God … strengthen me … that I may be at once avenged of the Philistines for my two eyes … and the house fell upon the lords, and upon all the people that were therein. So the dead which he slew at his death were more than they which he slew in his life. 16.27-30

  This was the first suicide terrorist act. It resulted in the deaths of 3000 civilian men and women. God approved of it and gave Samson the strength to do it. And although the Bible doesn’t say so, there are unconfirmed reports that Samson shouted “God is great (Allahu Akbar)” as the walls came tumbling down.

  56. A holy civil war (It had something to do with rotting, concubine body-part messages)

  Judges 20.18-48

  Number Killed: 65,100

  Non-Benjamites and Benjamites

  Do you know the story about the Levite and his concubine? You know the one in Judges 19 where the Levite and his concubine are staying at a guy’s house when a mob comes and asks to have sex with the Levite, and the host says no you can’t have sex with him but I’ll give you my virgin daughter and his concubine instead, so the Levite gives them his concubine and they rape her all night and she crawls back to the house and dies the next morning, and then the Levite puts her body on his donkey and goes home and chops her body into 12 pieces and sends a piece to each tribe of Israel? Yeah that one.

  Well, this is the rest of the story.

  You see, when the 12 tribes got the pieces of decaying concubine body parts, they immediately assembled before the Lord in Mizpeh, along with the entire population of Israel and 400,000 soldiers. (What else would you do if you got a hunk of rotting flesh in the mail?)

  All the children of Israel went out, and the congregation was gathered together as one man … unto the LORD in Mizpeh. And … four hundred thousand footmen that drew sword. Judges 20.1-2

  When they arrived at Mizpeh, the Israelites asked the meaning of the rotting-flesh messages. So the Levite told them the nasty story that is found in Judges 19.

  When the Israelites heard this, all 400,000 said in complete unison:

  All the people arose as one man, saying … This shall be the thing which we will do to Gibeah; we will go up by lot against it. 20.8-9

  Then they asked God what they should do about it. God told them to go to war with the Benjamites, saying that the tribe of Judah should go first.

  The children of Israel arose, and went up to the house of God, and asked counsel of God, and said, Which of us shall go up first to the battle against the children of Benjamin? And the LORD said, Judah shall go up first. 20.18

  (God’s just war theory: Since the town of Gibeah was where the incident with the concubine occurred, and the inhabitants of Gibeah were from the tribe of Benjamin, the other Israelite tribes must go to war with the Benjamites. This may not make much sense to you, but it does to God.)

  So they did that, but it didn’t work out too well, and 22,000 Israelites died.

  The men of Israel went out to battle against Benjamin … And the children of Benjamin came forth out of Gibeah, and destroyed down to the ground of the Israelites that day twenty and two thousand men. 20.20-21

  After their first defeat, the Israelites wept before God and asked him what they should do next. God said to go fight the Benjamites (again).

  The children of Israel went up and wept before the LORD until even, and asked counsel of the LORD, saying, Shall I go up again to battle against the children of Benjamin my brother? And the LORD said, Go up against him. 20.23

  So the next day they tried that, but it didn’t turn out so well this time either. Another 18,000 Israelites were killed.

  The children of Israel came near against the children of Benjamin the second day. And Benjamin went forth against them out of Gibeah the second day, and destroyed down to the ground of the children of Israel again eighteen thousand men. 20.24-25

  Once again all of the Israelites sit and weep before God, and ask him (for the third time) if they should attack the Benjamites.

  Then all the children of Israel, and all the people, went up, and came unto the house of God, and wept, and sat there before the LORD … And the children of Israel enquired of the LORD. 20.26-27

  God gave them his usual answer: Attack. This time he promised that he would deliver them into their hands.

  The LORD said, Go up; for to morrow I will deliver them into thine hand. 20.28

  And he did. It’s not entirely clear, though, how many Benjamites were killed, 25,100 (as it says in 20.35), 25,000 (as in 20.46), or maybe both in two separate battles. But since there were only a total of 26,000 Benjamites soldiers (20.15), I’ll just give God credit for killing another 25,100.

  The LORD smote Benjamin before Israel: and the children of Israel destroyed of the Benjamites that day twenty and five thousand and an hundred men: all these drew the sword. 20.35

  So that all which fell that day of Benjamin were twenty and five thousand men. 20.46

  The Israelites killed all but 600 Benjamite soldiers and then killed every one else in the tribe of Benjamin—old men, women, children, and babies, even all their animals.

  But six hundred men turned and fled to the wilderness unto the rock Rimmon, and abode in the rock Rimmon four months. And the men of Israel turned again upon the children of Benjamin, and smote them with the edge of the sword, as well the men of every city, as the beast, and all that came to hand: also they set on fire all the cities that they came to. 20.47-48

  It seems to me that God was also at least partly responsible for the 40,000 Israelites that were killed in the first two unsuccessful battles that he told the Israelites to fight, along with the 25,100 Benjamite soldiers. So I’ll add 65,100 to God’s total.

  57. The end of Judges: Two genocides and 200 stolen virgins

  Judges 21.10-14

  Estimated Number Killed: 4,000

  People of Jabeshgilead

  God’s 56th killing was a God-inspired civil war between the tribe of Benjamin and the other Israelites. It was God’s way of dealing with that messy affair involving the Levite and his concubine.

  As you’ll recall, God told the Israelites to fight the Benjamites three times. In the first two battles, the Israelites were defeated and 40,000 of their soldiers were killed. But the third time “God smote Benjamin,” killing 25,100 of them. But 600 Benjamites survived.

  But six hundred [Benjamite] men turned and fled to the wilderness unto the rock Rimmon, and abode in the rock Rimmon four months. Judges 20.47

  After the battle, the Israelites killed everything (human and animal) in every Benjamite village, town, and city and then burned everything to the ground.

  The men of Israel turned again upon the children of Benjamin, and smote them with the edge of the sword, as well the men of every city, as the beast, and all that came to hand: also they set on fire all the cities that they came to. 20.48

  Then they remembered the 600 surviving Benjamite soldiers.

  Where the heck were these guys going to find wives? The non-Benjamites killed all the Benjamite women (56) and swore to God that none of them would “give” their daughters to any Benjamite.

  Now the men of Israel had sworn in Mizpeh, saying, There shall not any of us give his daughter unto Benjamin to wife. 21.1

  Then they thought of a great solution. They’d check the records of the Mizpeh meeting and see who didn’t show up when they got a body part in the mail.

  They said, What one is there of the tribes of Israel that came not up to Mizpeh to the LORD? And, behold, there came none to the camp from Jabeshgilead to the assembly. 21.8

  It turned out that Jabeshgilead was absent. So they sent 12,000 soldiers to Jabeshgilead to kill everyone in town except for the virgin women. That produced 400 virgins, which they delivered to the Benjamite survivors at the rock Rimmon.

  The congregation sent thither twelve thousand men of the valiantest, and commanded them, saying, Go and smite the inhabitants of Jabeshgilead with the
edge of the sword, with the women and the children. And they found among the inhabitants of Jabeshgilead four hundred young virgins, that had known no man by lying with any male … and they gave them wives which they had saved alive of the women of Jabeshgilead. 21.10-14

  But darn! There were 600 Benjamites, so they were still 200 virgins short. Where the fuck are they going to find 200 more virgins?

  Well, someone heard about this dancing festival that they had at Shiloh each year. So they told the remaining 200 Benjamite men without virgins to hide in the bushes and catch the Shiloh girls when they came out to dance.

  Therefore they commanded the children of Benjamin, saying, Go and lie in wait in the vineyards … And … if the daughters of Shiloh come out to dance in dances, then come ye out of the vineyards, and catch you every man his wife of the daughters of Shiloh … And the children of Benjamin did so, and took them wives, according to their number, of them that danced, whom they caught. 21.20-23

  So each of the 600 surviving Benjamite soldiers got a virgin and everything worked out according to God’s plan.

  (I figured there were at least 10 children, men, and non-virgin women for every virgin woman in Jabeshgilead. If so, then 4000 were killed to get the 400 virgin women for the surviving Benjamites.)

  58. God kills Eli’s sons and 34,000 Israelite soldiers

  1 Samuel 4.2-11

  Number Killed: 34,002

  Hophni, Phinehas and 34,000 Israelite soldiers

  There was an old priest name Eli, who had two sons, Hophni and Phinehas. (This is another Phinehas, not God’s hero from killing 25.) Like Eli, his sons were priests, but they were bad priests who didn’t know God, stole meat from burnt offerings, and had sex with women at the door of the tabernacle.

  The sons of Eli were sons of Belial; they knew not the LORD. 1 Samuel 2.12

  If any man said unto him, Let them not fail to burn the fat presently, and then take as much as thy soul desireth; then he would answer him, Nay; but thou shalt give it me now: and if not, I will take it by force. 2.16

  Eli … heard all that his sons did … how they lay with the women that assembled at the door of the tabernacle of the congregation. 2.22