Drunk With Blood

by Steve Wells

  Jonathan climbed up upon his hands and upon his feet, and his armourbearer after him: and they fell before Jonathan; and his armourbearer slew after him. 14.13

  They killed about 20 of them, all in an area of half an acre or so, which is not too bad for a very first slaughter.

  That first slaughter, which Jonathan and his armourbearer made, was about twenty men, within as it were an half acre of land, which a yoke of oxen might plow. 14.14

  The thing that bothers me about this story is the “first slaughter” part. Because if this was Jonathan’s very first slaughter, what was he doing in the last chapter?

  Jonathan smote the garrison of the Philistines that was in Geba. 13.3

  64. God forces the Philistines to kill each other

  1 Samuel 14.15-20

  Estimated Number Killed: 1,000

  Philistines

  After helping Jonathan with his first slaughter (which wasn’t really his first, but Oh well), God took over the killing himself. He didn’t have much choice if he wanted to get the killing done, because there were only two swords in all Israel at the time, Jonathan’s and Saul’s. And it’s hard to kill Philistines with only sticks and stones.

  So it came to pass in the day of battle, that there was neither sword nor spear found in the hand of any of the people that were with Saul and Jonathan: but with Saul and with Jonathan his son was there found. 1 Samuel 13.22

  But God had a plan. He’d force the Philistines to kill each other (and throw in an earthquake for dramatic effect).

  And there was trembling … and the earth quaked: so it was a very great trembling … And the multitude melted away, and they went on beating down one another… Every man’s sword was against his fellow, and there was a very great discomfiture. 14:15-20

  After the Philistines killed each other, the Israelites must have gathered up their swords and spears, because by the end of the same chapter Saul is fighting everybody at once, “vexing” them all.

  So Saul … fought against all his enemies on every side, against Moab, and against the children of Ammon, and against Edom, and against the kings of Zobah, and against the Philistines: and whithersoever he turned himself, he vexed them. And he gathered an host, and smote the Amalekites, and delivered Israel out of the hands of them that spoiled them. 14.47-48

  (I guessed that God forced 1000 Philistines to kill each other. But since the Bible doesn’t say that God was involved in the second killing, I didn’t include it on the official list.)

  65. The Amalekite genocide

  1 Samuel 15.2-9

  Estimated Number Killed: 10,000

  Amalekites

  Nothing much needs to be said about this one.

  You only need to read the first three verses from 1 Samuel 15 to know for sure that the God of the Bible is evil. (Thank goodness he doesn’t exist!)

  Still, it is good idea to look at the story in context.

  (Bible believers often tell us to look at the context. But context nearly always makes Bible stories worse, not better. This story is no exception.)

  Samuel also said unto Saul … Thus saith the LORD of hosts, I remember that which Amalek did to Israel, how he laid wait for him in the way, when he came up from Egypt. Now go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass. 1 Samuel 15.1-3

  Notice that Samuel speaks here for God. Why would anyone believe that then or now? Was it because it sounded like something God would say?

  And if the genocide was so important to God, why didn’t he tell Saul directly?

  But let’s assume that the Bible is right and Samuel quoted God correctly. If so, then (unlike many of God’s killings) we know why God wanted Saul to kill all the Amalekites—because God remembered what their ancestors did hundreds of years before they were born (they defended themselves when the Israelites tried to kill them and take their land).

  And Saul pretty much did as God commanded. He sent 210,000 soldiers to kill everyone and everything among the Amalekites: men, women, children, babies, animals—except for the king, Agag, and some of the more valuable sheep, oxen, and lambs.

  Saul gathered the people together … two hundred thousand footmen, and ten thousand men of Judah. … And Saul smote the Amalekites … And he took Agag the king of the Amalekites alive, and utterly destroyed all the people with the edge of the sword. But Saul and the people spared Agag, and the best of the sheep, and of the oxen, and of the fatlings, and the lambs, and all that was good, and would not utterly destroy them: but every thing that was vile and refuse, that they destroyed utterly. 15.4-9

  Saul killed the old men, the pregnant women, the children and babies. But he spared the king and some animals. And God would never forgive him for it.

  Samuel cried his little eyes out all night and God repented of making Saul king.

  Then came the word of the LORD unto Samuel, saying, It repenteth me that I have set up Saul to be king: for he is turned back from following me, and hath not performed my commandments. And it grieved Samuel; and he cried unto the LORD all night. 15.10-11

  It’s good to know that God repented. When you order someone to commit genocide for stuff that happened centuries ago, you should be a bit sorry about it.

  But that wasn’t what God was sorry about. God wanted all of the Amalekites killed. In some sick way it made God happy every time an old Amalekite woman or a little baby was killed.

  No, God repented of making Saul king because he didn’t kill everyone, and God wanted everyone killed.

  And if you believe in the Bible, you wanted them killed, too.

  [If this Bible story is true (which it isn’t, of course), how many Amalekites were killed at God’s command? I originally gave it the usual 1000 for a standard massacre, but Saul sent 210,000 soldiers to do the killing. He wouldn’t send that many soldiers to kill only 1000 civilians, would he? So I increased it to 10,000.]

  66. Samuel hacks Agag to death before the Lord

  1 Samuel 15.32-33

  Number Killed: 1

  Agag

  Saul ruined God’s last killing (65) by not killing all the Amalekites. God wanted a complete genocide, and Saul blew it by keeping one man alive (along with a few animals that he planned to kill later for God). Poor Samuel was so upset that he tore his skirt and cried all night.

  It grieved Samuel; and he cried unto the LORD all night. 1 Samuel 15.11b

  Samuel … laid hold upon the skirt of his mantle, and it rent. 15.27

  But according to the story, it wasn’t God that told Saul to commit genocide. It was Samuel. Samuel said “thus saith the Lord” and Saul was stupid enough to believe him. And believers have followed along ever since.

  After the genocide, Samuel just kept making nasty shit up and blaming it on God.

  Then came the word of the LORD unto Samuel, saying, It repenteth me that I have set up Saul to be king: for he is turned back from following me, and hath not performed my commandments. 15.10-11a

  The LORD sent thee on a journey, and said, Go and utterly destroy the sinners the Amalekites, and fight against them until they be consumed. 15.18

  The commandment of God that Saul broke was “Thou shalt kill everyone, man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass.”

  Thus saith the Lord of hosts … Go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass. 15.2-3

  So Samuel had to finish the holy genocide by hacking Agag to pieces before the Lord.

  Then said Samuel, Bring ye hither to me Agag the king of the Amalekites. And Agag came unto him delicately. And Agag said, Surely the bitterness of death is past. And Samuel said, As the sword hath made women childless, so shall thy mother be childless among women. And Samuel hewed Agag in pieces before the LORD in Gilgal. 15.32-33

  Samuel was a monster. But he was a hero to God and still is to all Bible be
lievers.

  67. In the valley of Elah: Goliath

  1 Samuel 17.49-54

  Number Killed: 1

  Goliath

  After Samuel cried all night and tore his skirt over Saul’s incomplete genocide (65), he finished the job the next day by hacking Agag to pieces before the Lord (66).

  But God and Samuel were still upset by the whole thing. It broke their little hearts. After all, God told Saul to kill all the Amalekites, and Saul saved one guy alive, along with some animals he planned to sacrifice to God later on. (How would you feel if you told someone to commit genocide and then they went and left one person alive?)

  Samuel never saw Saul again (not with his clothes on, anyway – See 1 Samuel 19.24), but he “mourned” for him. And God repented of making Saul king.

  Samuel came no more to see Saul until the day of his death: nevertheless Samuel mourned for Saul: and the LORD repented that he had made Saul king over Israel. 1 Samuel 15.35

  So God and Samuel found another king, someone who would gladly kill anyone at any time for any reason, a man after God’s own heart: David.

  I’m going to skip the details about how God and Samuel selected David so I can get on with the story at hand. But since the same pair (God and Samuel) that conspired to produce the Amalekite genocide (65) selected David as king, you know it was a good selection!

  When Samuel anointed David as king, the Spirit of the Lord came on David and it was with him for the rest of his life. At the same time, of course, the Spirit of the Lord departed from Saul and was replaced by an evil spirit from God, as required by the first law of spiritual thermodynamics.

  Then Samuel took the horn of oil, and anointed him … and the Spirit of the LORD came upon David from that day forward. … But the Spirit of the LORD departed from Saul, and an evil spirit from the LORD troubled him. 16.13-14

  This dastardly evil spirit from God caused Saul lots of problems. And only one thing seemed to help: David and his harp.

  David came to Saul, and stood before him: and he loved him greatly … And Saul sent to Jesse, saying, Let David, I pray thee, stand before me; for he hath found favour in my sight. And it came to pass, when the evil spirit from God was upon Saul, that David took an harp, and played with his hand: so Saul was refreshed, and was well, and the evil spirit departed from him. 16.21-23

  And now we finally get the story I’m supposed to be telling. The one you already know. David and Goliath.

  It begins with a Philistine named Goliath, who was a big guy, even by NBA standards. At 6 cubits and a span, he would have been about 3 meters (nearly 10 feet) tall.

  There went out a champion out of the camp of the Philistines, named Goliath, of Gath, whose height was six cubits and a span. 17.4

  Goliath had a plan to limit the smiting that was always going on between the Philistines and the Israelites—a fair fight between two guys: him and whomever the Israelites chose.

  He stood and cried unto the armies of Israel, and said unto them, Why are ye come out to set your battle in array? am not I a Philistine, and ye servants to Saul? choose you a man for you, and let him come down to me. If he be able to fight with me, and to kill me, then will we be your servants: but if I prevail against him, and kill him, then shall ye be our servants, and serve us. 17.8-9

  David heard about it and volunteered for the job. It might have had something to do with the reward.

  David Spake to the men that stood by him, saying, what shall be done to the man that killeth this Philistine, and taketh away the reproach from Israel? for who is this uncircumcised Philistine, that he should defy the armies of the living God? 17.26

  And the men of Israel said … it shall be, that the man who killeth him, the king will enrich him with great riches, and will give him his daughter, and make his father’s house free in Israel. 17.25

  (I know, the verses are out of order, but hey, this is the Bible.)

  Then Eliab, David’s oldest brother, said that David was just doing it because he had a proud, naughty heart and wanted to get out of watching the sheep.

  Eliab’s anger was kindled against David, and he said, Why camest thou down hither? and with whom hast thou left those few sheep in the wilderness? I know thy pride, and the naughtiness of thine heart. 17.28

  But David ignored Eliab and went to talk to King Saul.

  David finds Saul and offers his services as giant killer but Saul is skeptical.

  David said to Saul … thy servant will go and fight with this Philistine. And Saul said to David, Thou art not able to go against this Philistine to fight with him: for thou art but a youth, and he a man of war from his youth. 17.32-33

  So David tells him a confusing story about how once, while tending sheep, he killed a lion (and a bear?) with his bare hands. God helped him kill the lion (and the bear?); he’ll do the same with the 10 foot giant.

  David said unto Saul, Thy servant kept his father’s sheep, and there came a lion, and a bear, and took a lamb out of the flock: And I went out after him, and smote him, and delivered it out of his mouth: and when he arose against me, I caught him by his beard, and smote him, and slew him. Thy servant slew both the lion and the bear: and this uncircumcised Philistine shall be as one of them, seeing he hath defied the armies of the living God. David said moreover, The LORD that delivered me out of the paw of the lion, and out of the paw of the bear, he will deliver me out of the hand of this Philistine. 17.34-37a

  So Saul gives David the job, putting his own sword, helmet, and coat of mail on him.

  Saul said unto David, Go, and the LORD be with thee. And Saul armed David with his armour, and he put an helmet of brass upon his head; also he armed him with a coat of mail. 17.37b-38

  But David wasn’t used to it, so he decided to go with just his staff, a sling, and five stones instead.

  David said unto Saul, I cannot go with these; for I have not proved them. And David put them off him. And he took his staff in his hand, and chose him five smooth stones out of the brook, and put them in a shepherd’s bag which he had, even in a scrip; and his sling was in his hand: and he drew near to the Philistine. 17.39-40

  As he was leaving, Saul said to his captain Abner, “Who’s son is that boy?”

  When Saul saw David go forth against the Philistine, he said unto Abner, the captain of the host, Abner, whose son is this youth? And Abner said, As thy soul liveth, O king, I cannot tell. And the king said, Enquire thou whose son the stripling is. 17.55-56

  [In the previous chapter (1 Samuel 16), Saul sent a messenger to tell Jesse to send his son David; David came and played his harp for Saul to get rid of God’s evil spirit, and Saul “loved him greatly” for it. Yet now he doesn’t even know who David is.]

  So David goes off and confronts Goliath, after making a little speech.

  Then said David to the Philistine, Thou comest to me with a sword, and with a spear, and with a shield: but I come to thee in the name of the LORD of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom thou hast defied. This day will the LORD deliver thee into mine hand; and I will smite thee, and take thine head from thee; and I will give the carcases of the host of the Philistines this day unto the fowls of the air, and to the wild beasts of the earth; that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel. And all this assembly shall know that the LORD saveth not with sword and spear: for the battle is the LORD’s, and he will give you into our hands. 17.45-47

  And you know the rest of the story: David killed Goliath, cut off his head and brought it to Jerusalem.

  David put his hand in his bag, and took thence a stone, and slang it, and smote the Philistine in his forehead, that the stone sunk into his forehead; and he fell upon his face to the earth. So David prevailed over the Philistine with a sling and with a stone, and smote the Philistine, and slew him; but there was no sword in the hand of David. Therefore David ran, and stood upon the Philistine, and took his sword, and drew it out of the sheath thereof, and slew him, and cut off his head therewith. And when the Philistines saw their cham
pion was dead, they fled … And David took the head of the Philistine, and brought it to Jerusalem. 17.49-54

  (There is a completely different Bible story about Goliath’s death, but I’m going to ignore that for now. 2 Samuel 21:19 says that Elhanan killed Goliath.)

  Note: Although the Bible doesn’t explicitly say that God helped David kill Goliath, David claims that he did. (“This day will the Lord deliver thee into mine hand.” 1 Sam 17.46) But whatever God’s involvement may have been in this killing, he clearly approved of it. So I’m including it on the list.

  68. David buys a wife with 200 Philistine foreskins

  1 Samuel 18.27

  Number Killed: 200

  Philistines

  After David killed Goliath, Jonathan fell in love with him.

  The soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul. 1 Samuel 18.1

  He loved him so much, in fact, that he stripped off all his clothes and gave them, along with his bow and sword, to David.

  Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was upon him, and gave it to David, and his garments, even to his sword, and to his bow, and to his girdle. 18.4

  Of course, Jonathan wasn’t alone in this. Everyone loved David because he behaved so wisely.

  David … behaved himself wisely: and Saul set him over the men of war, and he was accepted in the sight of all the people, and also in the sight of Saul’s servants. 18.5

  One day when David was returning from slaughtering Philistines, the young women from all the cities of Israel came to greet him. They danced and sang a song that went like this:

  Saul hath slain his thousands, and David his ten thousands. 18.7

  Saul didn’t like the song, though, because he, like God, was proud of his killings. So it pissed him off when the dancing girls praised David for killing ten times more than him.

  Saul was very wroth, and the saying displeased him; and he said, They have ascribed unto David ten thousands, and to me they have ascribed but thousand. 18.8

  So Saul was out to get David from that day forward.

  Saul eyed David from that day and forward. 18.9