Trafficked Girl
Page 22
I did my fourth detox a few months ago, which this time, rather than being home medicated, was a seven-day programme that involved spending a few hours every day for the first three days at an alcohol recovery centre and taking a drug to minimise withdrawal symptoms and anxiety and help me sleep. I imagine a lot of people must think, ‘Why don’t you just stop drinking? You know it’s ruining your life and preventing you from doing things that might make you happy. So just stop.’ Unfortunately, however, it isn’t as easy as that: if it was, believe me, I’d have done it and stuck to it a long time ago.
When I’d completed the programme, I started boxing training again, and doing daily workouts that include running, weight training, bodyweight exercises and yoga, plus training three times a week at the boxing gym, where I’ve had a tremendous amount of support and encouragement from all the coaches. I was determined to get back to where I’d been before I met Jess, and just a few weeks ago I was told I’m going to get my boxing licence and that, as well as being able to fight as an amateur boxer for the club – as soon as I’ve shifted the last few pounds of extra weight – they’re going to pay for me to train as a boxing coach so that I can work alongside them to help other people the way they’ve helped me.
I want this opportunity more than I’ve ever wanted anything. Before I started boxing, I didn’t really know what it felt like to set myself a goal and make it happen. So maybe, once I’ve achieved this, I’ll find that there are other things I want to do and I’ll make them happen too.
For now, I’m taking it one day at a time, focusing on getting fit again and on my recovery from post-traumatic stress and alcohol dependence. As well as attending support groups for people with alcohol problems and for survivors of sexual abuse whenever I need them, I’m about to start weekly trauma counselling. I also listen to guided meditation on my headphones every night, which helps me to relax and go to sleep as well as keeping me grounded and focused. I find it helpful to say positive affirmations in front of the mirror every morning too. Then I take my dog for a walk.
I got my dog when she was a puppy and she has been responsible for some of the most dramatic changes in my life, by helping me to overcome my fear of leaving the house, and by always being there whenever I wake up from a horrible nightmare or have a flashback or intrusive thought. It was because of her that I’ve recently had another opportunity too, to assist a dog trainer with some of the classes I take my dog to.
I’ve got a meditation space in my house where I keep quotes and other items that mean something to me – books and my yoga mat, for example – and there’s one quote I really like, which is from an American writer called Andre Dubus, who had some horrible traumatic experiences:
We receive and we lose, and we must try to achieve gratitude; and with that gratitude to embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses.
I think the reason it resonates with me is because, as well as seeming to shine a light on my own situation, it reminds me that that’s what I have to do – be grateful for what I have, for the things I didn’t lose, and try to move on. Having deliberately set out to ruin my childhood, my mum must have succeeded way beyond her wildest expectations. But I know now that I can either keep looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life or I can decide to make a future for myself based on my own values and aspirations.
When I first went to see the solicitor to find out if I had grounds for a case against social services, I had already been assessed several times and found to be unfit for work and was dependent on the Employment and Support Allowance I was receiving. So I was really anxious about the future, because I knew I couldn’t live at Pam’s place forever and that I was eventually going to have to find another miserable flat I wouldn’t be able to afford to heat.
When my dad died in his late sixties, he was already showing signs of dementia, and I was also really scared that if I lived long enough, I might get it too, then I’d be put in another kind of care home, which is something I can’t even bear to think about.
I know that many of the fears and anxieties that were instilled in me as a child, first by my mother and then at Denver House, will always be there – the problems I have socialising; my distrust of other people; the sense of self-disgust I experience if I ever have any sexual urges; my fear of physical contact, which means that even when I’m distressed and want to be comforted, I can’t bear anyone to come near. But I think I will be able to live with those anxieties now that I’m finally free to be who I want to be. And that’s a good feeling, as well as a completely new experience for me. I don’t know what lies ahead, but I do know that it wouldn’t make any sense to give up now, when the hardest part is already behind me.
It turns out that love really was the answer all along – not romantic love, as I’d thought, but being able to love life, nature, other people and myself, so that I can forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made. For the first 27 years of my life, before I met Pam, no one cared about me. But now I care, and although I know I’m going to need quite a lot of help, I’m ready to take responsibility for my own ‘health, welfare, maintenance, and protection’, and to pay ‘serious attention to avoid any [further] damage or risk’, so that, finally, I can have the life I deserve.
About the Authors
Practise what you love with love, working IN the moment and not FOR a moment. The world does not stop for defeat or for victory and neither should you.
Zoe Patterson wrote the note above after completing her first half marathon. She realised she’d spent so much time focusing on the end goal, rather than enjoying the process of training and seeing herself improve, that she had nothing left to focus on when the race was over. That’s when she knew she had to follow her heart and do what she loved doing, which is when she started boxing.
Zoe knows from her own experiences that by doing what you love simply because you love doing it, you can transform your life, even save it. It may not make you rich or famous, but it will make you happy – which, for many years, was something Zoe didn’t believe she would ever be. Now, through her work as a personal trainer and boxing coach – and via the blog she has recently started at zoepattersonfightingback.com – she is finally achieving her dream of passing on what she has learned to other people who are struggling to find a way of fighting back.
Jane Smith is the ghostwriter of numerous best-selling books, including several Sunday Times top ten bestsellers: www.janesmithghostwriter.com
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