Shoot Me

by Lesley Crewe

  “Because he knows I wouldn’t do something like that, would I, Slater?” Eli pleaded.

  “I don’t think so. But then again, I haven’t known you that long.”

  “Thanks for the help, big guy.” Eli held his hands out in front of him. “There is no one else for me and there never will be. Tiffany is just some…”

  “Just a minute,” Elsie yelled. “Just a minute!” A dolphin sailed past her.

  “I’ll ‘pink freak’ you, Eli Stanton!” Lily warned.

  Suddenly another upstairs window opened and Aunt Hildy stuck her head out. “In all my considerable years on this earth, I’ve never listened to such a moronic conversation. And the fact that it’s being conducted in the middle of the street for everyone to hear is beyond ridiculous and if you don’t all keep quiet, I shall be forced to…”

  The attic window opened. “For Christ’s sake, will you keep it down!” Faith screamed. “I can’t hear myself think.”

  By this time, Harry was out of the car. He walked over to her.

  “Oh goody,” observed Aunt Hildy. “We’re to be arrested for creating a major disturbance and carted off to jail. Well, I for one will be first in line. Perhaps a jail cell will afford me the peace and quiet I so desperately lack in this madhouse.”

  Elsie was mortified. She looked at Harry. “My entire family appears to have gone off their rockers.”

  He looked up at the windows. “Hello ladies, I’m Harry Adams. Nice to meet you.”

  As soon as he spoke, Aunt Hildy was charm itself, notwithstanding the fact that she hung out a window.

  “Officer Adams, how lovely to meet you.”

  The girls waved. Faith did too, with a pair of binoculars across her face.

  “These are my daughters’ boyfriends. Well, they were their boyfriends. I have no idea what will happen now that world war three has broken out.”

  Harry nodded to them. “Hi guys. It might be a good idea if you took your discussion indoors.”

  The boys hesitated and looked at the girls in the window, still in possession of their furry ammunition.

  “Girls, I’m sending the boys in. If you don’t want to speak to them that’s fine, but we need to get off the street. Stay in your room please until you can act with civility. You two make yourselves a sandwich.”

  “Thanks, Mrs. B,” they said together, before slinking indoors.

  Harry looked around at the crowd. “That’s the show for today folks. Everyone can go home.”

  “Even me?” Mrs. Noseworthy asked. “I’m Miss Chamberlin’s best friend.”

  Elsie sighed. “Even you dear. It’s getting late.”

  Mrs. Noseworthy shuffled across the lawn. “I always miss the good stuff.”

  Elsie turned to Harry. “I better go and find out what’s going on. I’ll see you later, okay?”

  Harry nodded, and then grabbed her arm. “A ten, eh? Are you sure I’m not a twelve? I’ve been told I’m a twelve.”

  “Yes. You’re a twelve. That’s the number. Bye Harry.” She didn’t wait to see him off.

  Once indoors she assembled the outraged parties in the living room. Elsie folded her arms. “I want this sorted and I want it sorted now. I don’t care how you do it. Do you understand me?”

  The kids nodded.

  “Of course, I don’t suppose anyone’s thought about what we might have for dinner since you were all too busy entertaining our friends and neighbours with this ridiculous spectacle.”

  They looked at the floor.

  “Perfect. Thanks a bunch.”

  She left them as they stood and eyed one another. The minute she shut the French doors, the yelling started. She took her weary bones to the kitchen.

  Later that night, Eli and Lily rocked on the porch swing.

  Eli stroked her face. “So you forgive me?”

  “I guess so.”

  “Wait till I get my hands on that chick.”

  Lily snuggled under his arm. “Don’t react at all. That’s what she wants. It’ll bug her to no end if she thinks her little bombshell went unnoticed.”

  Eli smiled down at her. “I can tell you’ll get an ‘A’ in psych this year.”

  When she looked up at him she frowned. “Hey, your nose looks a little swollen, did you know that?”

  He touched it gingerly with his fingers. “That’s because Slater tackled me.”

  “I thought you were playing frisbee, not football.”

  “He didn’t understand the rules at first.”

  “Oh brother. What did your friends think of him?”

  “They liked him. I like him too.” He whispered in her ear. “But he’s a bit of a dope.”

  She hit him. “Don’t say that.”

  “Well he is. The other day Aunt Hildy talked about a sandstorm and Slater thought she meant it rained sand. Can you believe it? You should have seen the look on her face.”

  She rubbed Eli’s hand absent-mindedly. “That is pretty dumb, but smarts aren’t everything. Last year he picked up a dog that had been hit by a car and ran all the way to the vet’s. He saved its life.”

  “Ah crap. Now I feel bad.”

  She hugged him closer. “He’s a great guy, but I know one thing. With his brains, he’s never going to find the treasure.”

  “That doesn’t matter, if we’re to share it.”

  She gave him a quick look. “Yeah, right, like that’s going to happen. I trip over Aunt Faith everywhere I go. She was in the linen closet the other day when I went to get clean sheets. She scared the life out of me. I asked her what she was doing and do you know what she said?”

  “What?”

  “‘Nothing.’ She said ‘Nothing.’ She’s in a dark closet with a pen flashlight. The woman’s bonkers. As if I didn’t know she was treasure hunting. Like, excuse me. I wasn’t born yesterday.”

  “Do you realize how ridiculous this sounds? The people in this house talk about treasure as if it were a pair of socks. ‘Oh, I think I’ll go look for the treasure now’ or ‘I wonder where the treasure went,’ and ‘Pardon me, have you seen my treasure?’”

  Lily pouted. “Fine. When I find the stupid socks I’ll make sure I don’t tell you.”

  “You don’t have to go that far.”

  As Lily and Eli made up on the swing outside, the great dope and his girl were in the library, still only on their third shelf.

  “I shouldn’t have tackled Eli like that. I feel bad about it.”

  “Well, they should’ve explained the rules better. That’s not your fault.” Dahlia crouched down to retrieve another book. “But it was my fault that Eli got in trouble today. If I’d just let that stupid girl go ahead of me, Lily would never have known about all this. Me and my big mouth.”

  Slater came up behind her and put his hands on her hips. “Your mouth isn’t big. It’s just right.”

  She dropped her book, turned around and put her arms around his neck. She giggled, “You sound like baby bear.”

  He lifted her onto the edge of the desk. “This porridge is too hot.”

  She grabbed him around the waist with her legs. “This porridge is too cold.”

  “But this porridge mama is mmm-mmm, just right,” he growled as he bent down to nuzzle her neck. That’s when he saw Aunt Hildy in the doorway.

  “GEEZ.” He jumped and pulled Dahlia off the table with him. “Sorry Aunt Hildy, we were just…”

  “I know what you’re in the middle of young man and it distresses me that you feel the constant need to carry out juvenile fantasies in order to make love. I mean, really. The Three Bears? I suggest while you’re in this library you read a copy of the Kama Sutra I left here years ago. Now that makes for an interesting read. Goodnight.”

  Dahlia sighed at the closed door. “That woman has managed to ruin our sex life.”

  Slater tapped his temple. “Yeah, but you know what just occurred to me? Why does she always come in here?”

  She gave him a thoughtful glance. “You’re right. Why is she
always in here? Hmm…I think we’re on to something Slater. But don’t tell anyone. That way, if we find the treasure, we can keep it.”

  He shook his head. “No way. Whatever we find, we share, just like Mrs. B said.”

  She stamped her foot. “Oh darn. Why do you have to be so honest? Couldn’t we keep one little thing and share the rest?”

  Slater folded his arms and gave her a look.

  She raised her eyebrows. “What if one little thing was enough to pay for a wedding?”

  He stood there like Mr. Clean.

  She threw her hands in the air. “Oh, all right. Forget it. Whatever we find we share. But you can bet everyone else in this house runs around and looks for stuff. And they don’t tell us about it, either.”

  Still, he didn’t move.

  She finally smirked, “You look just like that big genie in that Aladdin movie. Do I get three wishes, big boy?”

  “That I can do.” He picked her up and continued where they’d left off.

  Chapter Eight

  Finally Robert’s nether region made enough progress to warrant his return to work. He couldn’t wait to get back to it—wandering around Elsie’s house all day bumping into his nieces and their boyfriends became mighty tiring. It was too cruel that the little girls he used to push on a swing now swung from the chandelier with these guys. It made him feel old.

  He sat at his desk and went through the accumulated paperwork. At first glance everything appeared normal, but as the hours went by a nagging thought kept running through his brain. Things weren’t quite adding up. He turned over file after file and tried to put his finger on it.

  His mouth was dry. He cleared his throat and had the first fluttering of panic as he added up the figures again and again with exactly the same result. Pushing himself away from his desk, he gripped the arms of his chair.

  Nah. Couldn’t be.

  Rolled back to his desk and pressed the intercom.

  “Charlotte, get Russell on the phone.”

  “I’m sorry Mr. Worthington. He’s out of town.”

  Robert tried to breathe deeply. “When did he go out of town?”

  “Just after you left for your…holiday.”

  “Did he say where he was going?”

  “He didn’t tell me. But he said he left you that information in the safe.”

  Robert blew out his cheeks in relief. “Thanks Charlotte.”

  He walked over to the safe, turned the dial and opened the door. He reached in and pulled out a red lollipop. “What the…?”

  Then he got it.

  Sucker.

  Faith and Juliet were in Juliet’s pool atop air mattresses, their chins resting on their fists as they bobbed along.

  “Did I tell you I saw Elsie’s cop last week?”

  Juliet yawned. “Only about a hundred times. Daffy Duck looks good in a uniform, so don’t get your drawers in a knot.”

  “You don’t get it. I zoomed in on him with my good old spy glass.”

  “You don’t say…”

  “…and I swear he looked like Tom Selleck.”

  “Yesterday’s news.”

  “Pardon me. Like Robert’s such a great catch.”

  Juliet floated along, not saying a word. A few minutes went by before her sister grumbled, “You’re so lucky. A great house, a nice pool, his-and-hers MGs. And you don’t have to work. God.”

  “And you do? For heaven’s sake, you’re like a broken record. Why don’t you find a nice rich sugar daddy for yourself? You’re still a good-looking woman. Sort of.”

  Faith raised her head. “What do you mean, ‘sort of ’?”

  Juliet dipped her hand in water and flicked some at her sister. “Oh, don’t be so touchy. All I mean is, you should spend some money on yourself. Get a new hairstyle. Colour your grey.”

  “I don’t have any money. That’s the problem.”

  “Ask Dee to do your hair.”

  “And walk into that snotty place? Not a chance. All I need is for Aunt Hildy to open that mean mouth of hers and tell us where the treasure is. I swear to God, I’ll kill her if this is a joke. It’s gotten to the point where if I don’t find something I’ll shoot myself.”

  “You’re so dramatic.” Suddenly Kiwi yipped. “Oh dear. Daddy’s home. I wonder what’s for dinner?”

  Robert burst out of the sliding screen door and ran over to the edge of the pool. He gestured wildly. “Juliet! Come here, quick! Faith, you have to go home now.”

  Both sisters straddled their air mattresses and disappeared into the water.

  “Stop messing around and get out of the pool!” he screamed at them.

  “Don’t yell at me,” Juliet hollered.

  “Me either,” Faith chimed in.

  They watched in horror as Robert started down the steps of the pool in his three-piece suit. He waded over to them as fast as he could, getting shorter and shorter. “Get out of the pool! Get out of the pool! Get out of the pool!”

  “Have you gone crazy?” Juliet heaved herself off the air mattress and paddled like a mad woman away from him.

  Faith wasn’t fast enough. The mattress covered her face, and she ended up paddling straight into him. Juliet watched him pull her off the float and drag her out of the water. She threw a noodle at him. “Let go of her.”

  Robert still had Faith by the arm. “I’d appreciate it if you’d leave now. I’ve asked you nicely, but if you continue to struggle I’ll throw you out on your ear.”

  Pulling her arm out of his grip, she said, “Okay. You don’t have to go on about it. I’ll leave. I wouldn’t stay here if you paid me.” She picked up her towel and stormed out through the screen door.

  Juliet swam over to the edge and he hauled her out too. “What in the name of God is wrong with you? What is…”

  “Shut up!” He sat her on a patio chair and pulled one up beside her.

  Her lip quivered. “Robert, you’re scaring me.”

  “It’s bad. It’s so bad.”

  She was frantic. “What is it?”

  “Russell’s left the country with all our money. We’re broke.”

  Juliet jumped up and screamed. She ran over to the noodle, picked it up and started to beat him over the head with it. Then she fainted dead away.

  When she regained her senses, Juliet sat with her head between her knees and a cold cloth on the back of her neck. Robert was on the other side of the patio table in exactly the same position. Kiwi frolicked between them.

  “I hate you,” Juliet told her Romeo.

  He turned to look at her through the table legs. “Did I leave town with all the money? Did I?”

  She looked back at him. “You might as well have, because you can’t go to the police, can you? You and your shady schemes.”

  “My shady schemes kept you in luxury madame, so don’t you dare blame me for everything.”

  She snorted. “I can blame you for everything. If you were half the man you’re supposed to be, you’d never have been involved with that two-timing skunk.”

  “Say that again!”

  “If you were half…ohhh.” She sat up suddenly and held her head to stop the dizziness. “Oh my God. What are we going to do?”

  Robert sat up as well. “Whatever we do, we can’t let anyone know about this. No one. Especially not your sisters.”

  “Why shouldn’t I tell them? They’re my sisters.”

  “Listen to me. I know you think I’m stupid but I do have a few smarts. And one of those smarts tells me that if we’re in this much trouble, we’ll need all the treasure. We’ve got to find it before Faith and everyone else does. We can’t let on to anyone that we’ve no intention of sharing it. Do you understand?”

  She thought it over. “But what if this is just Aunt Hildy’s idea of a joke, and there is no treasure? What do we do then?”

  “It won’t matter, because after I shoot the old bitch, I’ll shoot myself and I won’t have to worry about it.”

  Juliet glared at him. “Wonderf
ul. How thoughtful. Leave me and Kiwi to die of starvation.”

  He glared back. “Fine. I’ll shoot you and Kiwi before I shoot myself. Does that make you happy?”

  “You’re a bum.” She picked up the dog and marched into the house.

  “No, I’m not. Thanks to you I don’t have one, remember?”

  Robert left the house early the next morning, telling Juliet he’d try to pull in a few favours from some business types. As soon as he was gone, she took off for Elsie’s. The back door was open, so she barrelled in and ran up the stairs, pushing past Elsie in the upstairs hallway.

  “Why are you here? Is something wrong?”

  “Shut up, no time to talk.” She threw open the door that led to the attic and slammed it shut in her face.

  “Love you too,” Elsie yelled from below.

  Faith was at the front window with her binoculars.

  “Stop spying on the neighbours and sit down.”

  “Hey, quit being so bossy. Why are you here anyway?”

  Juliet sat on the couch. “Will you shut up and sit down? I have to talk to you.”

  Faith set the binoculars on the window sill and did as she was told. “I take it you’re here to apologize for your husband’s behaviour yesterday?”

  “Faith, you and I have got to stick together.”

  “We always do.”

  She took her sister’s hands and said, “Yeah, but this is serious.”

  Faith scrunched up her face. “Oh great. You want a kidney.

  Am I right?”

  “You won’t need a kidney if you don’t shut up because I’ll kill you if you don’t keep quiet.”

  She kept quiet.

  “Robert’s lost all our money.”

  “What?”

  Juliet squeezed her hands. “Shhh. Keep your voice down. His stupid business partner, who I never trusted, left the country with all our money and there’s not a damn thing we can do about it because Robert’s always operated just a shade on the wrong side of the law, if you get my drift.”

  “Are you serious?”

  “Is that all you can say? Do you think I’d joke about this? We’re broke. We have to sell everything to make ends meet until we can figure things out.”

  “Wow. That’s awful. What are you going to do?”

  “You and I will find this miserable treasure and get the hell out of this Godforsaken place. We were screwed out of one inheritance. Not again.”