Come Undone

by Madelynne Ellis

  ‘Lady, you nearly passed out a minute ago. Maybe you’d like to explain what that was about? And maybe you’d like to tell me your surname before I have to accompany you to A&E.’

  Dani chewed her lip. OK, maybe her reaction had been a little over the top, but he’d taken her by surprise. ‘You’ve got me through some bad times,’ she said, feeling her eyes fill up. ‘It’s hard to hear you won’t be around in the future.’

  ‘I’m not dead.’ Xane cleared his throat. ‘I didn’t say I was going to stop making music, just that the band’s defunct.’

  Yes, but was it even possible for him to go it alone? The metal genre consisted of bands, not solo artists. Xane Geist belonged in a rock band. And that band had to be Black Halo, because when it came down to it, it wasn’t only Xane who made up the group. Ash, Spook, Rock Giant, Elspeth, even Steve Matlock on drums, they all had their roles to play. It was their combined influences that made the band. Wasn’t it?

  ‘Will you speak to Ash tomorrow?’ she asked, recalling the lead guitarist’s attempt, when they were leaving the arena, to set a timetable for negotiation. Not that she’d understood at the time that’s what it was.

  ‘No.’

  ‘Why not? He might have a plan to get you through this.’

  ‘He won’t.’

  ‘But how do you know if you haven’t talked …’ She stopped, Xane wasn’t listening, and he’d returned to the bottle. Only a small dribble remained in the bottom, most of the contents having spilled onto the floor. He stared morosely at the dregs, then swallowed them.

  ‘You know getting plastered isn’t going to help. You need a clear head to patch things up.’

  ‘And you need a hearing test. It’s over. And you still haven’t given me a surname.’

  ‘It’s Fosbrook, OK, and I’m not about to pass out.’

  ‘Next of kin?’

  Dani shook her head. No. They weren’t going there. Xane was never, ever, ever meeting her mum, talking to her mum or getting anywhere near anyone who could be vaguely construed as her family. If something happened to her while she was with him, then it was better they weren’t informed.

  You’ve kissed the devil, Dani. You’ll have to atone.

  She quickly shut out the voice of Sister Anna in her head.

  She hadn’t kissed the devil, only a man. And really he’d kissed her. She hadn’t initiated anything. They couldn’t chastise her for that. It was totally in the spirit of St Agatha. She’d been passive and meek.

  But you enjoyed him kissing you. You want him to do it again. Admit it, you little whore, you’re dying for him to take off your shirt, fondle your breasts and pull down your knickers. You want him to shove his great big dick inside you. You’re turned on just by the idea of looking at it. That’s why you keep sneaking glances at those photographs.

  Not to mention the ones she was stealing at his crotch. He might have an overly high opinion of himself and a sucky attitude, but, whether he understood it or not, he’d seen her through many lonely nights. Perhaps it was only fair that she saw him through this one in return.

  ‘I’ll sleep on the couch,’ she announced.

  ‘Will you now? I don’t remember offering.’

  ‘You just handed me a duvet.’

  ‘I’ll be needing that back on my bed. Maybe that’s what you’re angling for.’

  ‘No.’ She pushed herself into the corner of the sofa away from his glorious body and his heady scent, fighting the near irresistible urge to say ‘yes’ and jump right on top of him. ‘I’ll be fine here.’

  ‘I’m not fine,’ he said as though he didn’t expect anyone to acknowledge he’d spoken. For a moment, his mask slipped and she saw right into his heart, knew his pain, recognised him as the man who’d written all those lyrics that made so much sense to her.

  Taking a deep breath, she asked, ‘Why have you split up?’ Maybe if he shared the problem it wouldn’t seem so insurmountable.

  ‘It doesn’t matter,’ Xane huffed, shaking his head. He chucked the empty vodka bottle in the direction of the waste bin. It missed and rolled back towards him, so he kicked it under the sofa. ‘It’s just how it is. Everything has to end sometime. Now’s that time for Black Halo.’

  She didn’t buy his attempt at being philosophical.

  ‘But something must have caused it. Maybe if you told me what it was I could …’

  Xane’s jaw locked so rigidly she could see the tick of his pulse beating beneath the skin.

  OK, scratch that idea. He wasn’t going to get into the nitty-gritty of why he’d taken a machete to her dream band, because – and she had to remind herself of this fact – they weren’t actually friends. Xane didn’t know her from any of the other countless women who fought their way backstage on a nightly basis to meet him. The nights they’d spent together supporting one another through untold woes were fantasies, nothing more.

  Contrary to what Ginny believed, and what Xane himself had assumed, Dani’s primary fantasy about him didn’t involve sex, although she wasn’t entire guilt-free in that department. Certainly, if he kissed her again she’d probably make a complete twit of herself, by not being able to keep her hands off him, thus destroying the façade that she wasn’t interested in screwing his pants off.

  Primarily, Xane was her silent guardian. The person she spoke to in the dark when she was alone. Xane was the one who understood her pain. When he sang, he expressed all the things she couldn’t: her fears, her stolen childhood, the hollow ache left behind by her father’s departure. Xane held her hand and chased the monsters away.

  One could hardly blame them for running. He was pretty scary in all his stage paint. Even now, when he was so obviously hurting, his shocking visage still had the power to scare the beejeezus out of somebody.

  ‘Should I phone someone for you? Maybe if you had a close friend come over, they’d be more help.’

  ‘I don’t have any close friends. I spend all my time with the band.’

  ‘OK.’ It looked as if it was her or nothing. She lifted one corner of the duvet, inviting him in. If he refused to communicate, maybe they could sit in companionable silence. They didn’t have to talk, or drink or kiss. They could simply be here together for a while. ‘How about we forget the band for a while. Why don’t you tell me what you’re feeling instead? And why you’re so chewed up inside.’

  Xane contemplated her invitation without moving. He stared at her as if he wasn’t convinced she was real. After a long, uncomfortable pause he asked, ‘Do you know what it’s like to have to give something up because it’s so bad for you it’s destroying you? Has anyone betrayed you like that? Someone you thought you could trust? Someone you really loved?’

  ‘Yes,’ she admitted. Yes to all of it.

  They way he looked at her with those pale-grey eyes, like he could see right into her, made her feel horribly exposed, but she endured it, and fought the urge to clam up.

  ‘I’m not suggesting what we’ve been through is the same, but you’re like me – you’re hurt in the same way. You’re tearing yourself apart trying to please people, while utterly failing to please yourself. It’s all in your lyrics. That’s why I liked you.’

  She’d said it now, everything she’d ever really wanted to say to him. Admitted it all, and there was no way of taking it back.

  ‘I see,’ he said, biting his knuckles. He turned away.

  ‘Xane,’ she said tremulously.

  He froze with his shoulders hunched. Very slowly, he looked back at her. ‘I need a shower. And to wash this crap off my face.’

  Dani caught hold of his hand. ‘I like it, even if it’s smudged.’

  His fingers curled against hers and briefly squeezed tight. She thought he was saying thank you, until she looked up and realised he was swaying and was probably just holding on for support.

  ‘Are you going to manage?’

  ‘Don’t know. Are you offering to give me a hand?’

  Somehow, she didn’t think he meant with t
he taps. Immediately she released her grip, pulled both her hands under the duvet and tucked them under her bottom. ‘Probably best if I don’t. You said yourself, you’re not interested in being jumped.’

  ‘What if I’ve changed my mind?’

  ‘You haven’t.’ He was just feeling lonely and he was drunk.

  ‘Why’d I kiss you then?’

  ‘Because you were being kind. Kissing me was nicer than slapping me as a reminder to pull myself together.’ If he really wanted her, he’d remember that in the morning.

  ‘I only slap women’s bottoms,’ he remarked absently.

  Even though she didn’t think he meant anything by it, the notion still left her feeling strangely tingly. Not that she found anything remotely erotic about punishment.

  ‘Are you sure you don’t want to get dirty with me?’

  ‘I thought the idea of washing was to get clean.’

  A brief, wan smile stretched his lips. He turned and walked back to the stairs, only fractionally unsteady on his feet. ‘You’ll come if I holler, right? In case I slip over.’

  ‘I’m sure you’ll be fine.’

  ‘But if I’m not, you’ll come, won’t you, Dani? It probably won’t look good if I smash my head open in the shower the same night the group split.’

  ‘I’ll come,’ she promised, and sincerely hoped he wasn’t going to cry wolf. Seeing him naked would probably fry what few brain cells she had left.

  Chapter 8

  Xane staggered downstairs.

  What the hell had happened? A short while ago, he’d been ready to swear off love for ever. He intended to lock himself in a darkened room, get blind drunk, pass out on the floor and not wake up until Thursday. Instead, there was a pleasant buzz in his veins that had very little to do with alcohol and far more to do with the girl on his sofa.

  Talk about being confused.

  It was probably just his battered heart looking for something, anything, to cling to; being worshipped by a pretty girl sure beat being lonely. And Dani wasn’t like the chicks that normally sneaked backstage to accost him. All they ever seemed to want was to strip him bare and use him as a life-sized masturbation aid. The fact that he was a person, with a past and a future, with opinions and sensibilities, entirely passed them by. Most of them didn’t even care which member of the band they were with. They just wanted a rock star. And, with the exception of the odd one who wanted him to sing while she went down on him, they didn’t give a fig about his music.

  Not only had Dani opted to keep her clothes on, he’d also lay money on her being intimately acquainted with every word, every chord and riff that he’d ever released. Also, she seemed to see through his guise to the real him.

  Maybe that’s why he was intrigued. She was right; he did pour everything into his music.

  Of course, he’d spoilt things by attempting to get physical with her. He’d blame the alcohol, but actually some habits just died hard.

  Not that he’d meant to kiss her. He’d … well, he’d panicked, and did what he always did, opened his mouth when he ought to have kept it closed. Even that oughtn’t to have led to anything – but the taste of her had got to him, all sweetness and innocence. He’d felt her apprehension, even as her excitement took over, and then he couldn’t stop himself. His heart might be bruised beyond recognition, and his head knew exactly how bad one-night stands were for his soul, but neither had apparently informed his cock of that fact, hence the growing wedge in his pants that was making it difficult to walk. All of which left him with a hard on and nowhere to put it.

  No big surprise there either, since he’d been acting like a Grade A prick from the moment he and Dani met: accosting her, using her as a taxi cab and then lumping her in with Black Halo’s usual class of groupies. It was a miracle she hadn’t slapped him yet, and no surprise at all that she wasn’t interested in servicing his ache. It wouldn’t surprise him if she slipped into the night while he was down here, and drove home.

  He’d have to applaud her good sense if she did, right after he’d lamented not grabbing her number. He paused, hands braced against either side of the narrow stairwell. Maybe he ought to get that now, except it’d make him look even more of a dick. Better to stick to plan A and clean himself up.

  Xane misjudged the bottom step and landed on his arse. God, he was a mess. A stinking, fucked-up mess. And a fool too for thinking that alcohol might right everything. Alcohol had never worked for him for blotting out pain. It only added to it. If he’d really wanted to lose himself for the night, he ought to have lurched back to the hotel with Ash and double-dipped with whoever his lead guitarist had managed to pick up en route. They could have made one gloriously long and sordid night of it, and he wouldn’t once have thought about Steve, or Elspeth, or the band, or been tempted to prod his heart to see if it hurt.

  It always fucking hurt! That’s what unrequited love did to you.

  Nor would he be stuck in purgatory with a girl he fancied but who wasn’t going to spread her thighs on command.

  He actually liked her for that.

  Besides, sleeping with her because his day had been shit, and he felt like shit, and she was the only thing around in his life at the moment that didn’t start with ‘S’ and end with ‘it’, wasn’t a great plan. It’d render the act and both of them cheap.

  But then, he was pretty cheap. Much as he liked to kid otherwise. Ash might be known as the Black Halo playboy, but Xane had enjoyed easily as many partners.

  ‘You’re screwed up, mate.’ He gurned at his reflection in the mirror. His stage face was smeared all over the place, and he’d already taken his contact lenses out, so the real him was creeping through the cracks. ‘Shower,’ he ordered himself. Then, if he was sensible, he’d crash out and leave that poor girl upstairs alone. It wasn’t like screwing her was going to mend the gaping hole in his chest. Just because she’d shown him a bit of empathy, a little compassion, didn’t mean she could fix anything.

  Stripped naked, Xane stepped under the shower-head. For several minutes he let the water run over his tired limbs. Make-up washed away, the kohl leaving black tracks across his body. Only once his mask had flowed down the drain did he let his hand stray towards his remarkably stubborn erection.

  Damn thing wanted some action, same as it always did when his emotions took a nosedive. Considering the years he’d spent conditioning it to do just that, he could hardly complain. Sex had always been a nice easy way of blotting out reality. He blotted out a lot of reality.

  Yup, he definitely ought to have made a night of it with Ash. Pointless pleasure; his body knew all about that, even if it didn’t seem entirely right to be turned on after everything that had happened.

  Xane closed his eyes tight and rewound the last ten minutes. He imagined he was back upstairs, stretched out above Dani on the sofa. Better that than dwelling on the lover he’d lost.

  That kiss had seared him with its heat, but the lady had been in shock, so he’d refrained from getting gropey. Only now she was staring at him with her plump lips parted and her breathing unsteady. Desire filled her eyes. Yet she wasn’t the sort to make the first move.

  ‘Do it,’ he silently commanded. ‘Reach out and take what you want.’

  Perhaps she heard him. Perhaps some other influence guided her hand, for she reached out to him, first touching his face, then his neck.

  Xane braced one hand against the glass wall to maintain his balance, and then let his other hand wander. Each tentative caress, he imagined Dani making. She remained timid, but he liked her caution. She seemed eager to explore his body and to discover its secrets, rather than immediately zeroing in on his cock as though it were his only erogenous zone like most of the other lovers he’d known.

  Her fingers lightly stroked the side of his throat. ‘Yes,’ he murmured in approval. His neck had always been sensitive. He could get off from being touched there alone. OK, from slightly more than a touch. He liked to be bitten, but even feather-light kisses were enough to m
ake him tremble.

  Her attention didn’t linger there. It swept downwards, encompassing his collarbone and shoulders, then the smooth expanse of his chest. She circled his nipples. Even wet them with her little pink tongue.

  His nipples weren’t as sensitive as his neck, but no matter. Simply having her touching him was good.

  Xane’s breath truly hitched when her exploration strayed just shy of his loins.

  Oh, God, yes! he almost shouted.

  Instead, he folded his palm around his erection. A few swipes of his thumb, and he was one hundred per cent ready for action. It sucked so much blood out of his brain, he actually felt woozy. Still, he had no worries about his ability to perform. He was ready to give her everything she wanted, and a few things she hadn’t realised she wanted yet.

  Xane wanted to feel the puffs of her breath against his cheeks and hear the sharpness of her cries as she gave herself up to him. With her soft curves clinging to him, he could forget about the band and everything else. He could sink into the moment, exist for a time in a realm where there was nothing but pleasure.

  However, Dani wasn’t done with her exploration yet. Instead of inviting him between her thighs, she kissed a slow pathway down his body, following the route her hands had already traversed. Her long hair tickled as it brushed his lower abs.

  Fuck!

  She paused, painfully close to his cock. If he persuaded her to turn her head a fraction, he could pump right into her mouth. Xane held back, stifling his urge to direct her. He suffered her teasing instead, imagining countless whisper-soft kisses on his inner thighs and around the base of his cock.

  He wondered if she’d ever gone down on a guy before. His instincts said probably not.

  God, to be her first … to feel her heat and her kiss, and know he was the only person she’d trusted like this. Most of the mouths he’d fucked were as dirty as their owners. Sometimes he figured that was all he deserved. Even his regular lovers were downright filthy beasts, but then, if he was being honest, so was he.

  Xane pointed the shower spray at his stomach while he stroked faster.