Come Undone

by Madelynne Ellis

  ‘I assumed they were self-inflicted. But they’re not, are they?’

  Dani started to shake her head, but gave up almost immediately.

  ‘Fuck!’ he hissed, as though someone had sucked all the wind out of him. ‘I thought my parents were bad, but at least they never cut me.’

  ‘She didn’t. It wasn’t … It’s not what you think.’

  ‘Isn’t it? I don’t know what I think. Christ, Dani, how long did it go on for? Didn’t you ever tell anybody?’

  ‘Who?’ she said. ‘Who was I supposed to tell?’ And he’d got it all wrong anyway.

  Dani pushed herself out of his arms, suddenly unable to tolerate the closeness. Too many varied emotions were flickering across his face; she couldn’t even look at him. She’d known this point would come, when she’d have to explain to somebody, justify things she couldn’t adequately justify to herself, but that didn’t make it any easier. Worse still, this just seemed like the wrong moment. They were about to separate. She didn’t want this to be his lasting impression of her. She didn’t want him to think ‘Dani’ coupled with ‘poor’ or ‘abused’. She didn’t want his sympathy. She wanted his love.

  Still, there didn’t seem to be any way to avoid the subject. Xane wasn’t going to let her out of this room until he knew the whole story. She knew stubborn determination when she saw it. ‘Tell me,’ he insisted. He reached out to comfort her again, but she pushed him away.

  Dani made two false starts, then swallowed the only thing left in the mini-bar – a Pernod miniature – and began again with the strange taste coating her tongue.

  ‘I think I mentioned my dad left. He had an affair and mum found out. They split and mum went to pieces as a result. I don’t remember how long it lasted – it had seemed like for ever at the time – but she refused to do anything. She wouldn’t get up. She wouldn’t get dressed. So she lost her job and then the house. I think she probably came close to losing me too. I distinctly remember social services paying a visit. In the end, I think that’s what made her act. We left the house that night. There was an eviction notice on the door anyway, and we moved into St Agatha’s.’

  ‘What is that – a women’s refuge?’

  ‘No.’ She covered her mouth with her hand. ‘It’s a …’ She began to pace. It was easier to shape her thoughts while moving. ‘It’s a commune, a religious commune. Women only, and very insular. I’m not sure if they contacted her or if mum approached them, but their beliefs kind of keyed in to what she was feeling at the time. She was really angry and embarrassed by what dad had done, and the fact that she hadn’t suspected anything was going on.’

  Xane nodded. ‘Go on.’

  ‘As I said, they’re pretty insular.’ The threat of tears stung in her nose. Dani pinched the bridge to clear the sensation. ‘They’ve some extreme views. I don’t know if you’ve ever even heard of St Agatha?’

  He shook his head.

  ‘She’s a Christian martyr, revered for her purity and chastity. She resisted all male advances, even when tortured. The sisterhood of St Agatha believe that desire, particularly sexual desire, is a sin man brought to the world, but which they’re capable of rising above.’

  ‘I’m guessing this … cult –’ he paused to suck his tongue as though it might remove the taste of the word from his mouth ‘– aren’t big on loud rock music and rampant promiscuity.’

  ‘They view sex of any kind as a sin, even for procreation. They all swear vows of chastity as if they were nuns. I think mum initially signed up because it meant she didn’t have to feel she’d failed and she didn’t have to fear the same sort of thing happening again if she started dating anyone else, but I don’t really know. It wasn’t as if she discussed it with me. She just expected me to follow suit and forgo the idea of ever having sex or forming a relationship or starting a family.’

  ‘You rebelled?’ he asked.

  A fleck of something – sympathy – which hadn’t been there before shone in his eyes.

  ‘Of course I did. Who wants to give up love before they’ve even experienced it? That, and I could see how frustrated and vitriolic it made them all. As you can imagine, that didn’t go down well. They couldn’t tolerate my views, because they belittled their own beliefs, and they couldn’t throw me out, because I was a minor, and then later having me around became a way of proving their own goodness. I was like a challenge to them. I’m not sure why they ever agreed to let me move out. I think they hoped I’d get myself into trouble and come sobbing back to them ready to accept that they’d been right all along.’

  ‘I see why you can’t go back, but the marks, Dani – how do they fit in?’

  ‘At first listening to your music was plain rebellion, but it became more than that. You were like me. You sang about the things I felt.’

  ‘Both love and pain are pretty universal.’

  ‘It was more than that. Your words got right under my skin, and then it didn’t matter how much or how often I was punished for listening to you or thinking about you, I couldn’t make myself stop. I refused to give you up. Oh, God, Xane! I don’t want to do it now, either. I’ve been so worried about being found out and dragged back to the commune, but that doesn’t mean I want this to end or that I’m not prepared to take risks in order to stay with you.’

  ‘I don’t want you taking risks. Mixing you up in my shit isn’t fair.’

  ‘I don’t give a pig’s ear about what’s fair. I don’t want our time together reduced to a tally of lines on my skin. I want to be with you. I want to help you through this. I’m mad about you, Xane.’

  Chapter 28

  Holy shit! How many times had they held her down and listened to her scream? There had to be fifty, maybe a hundred marks on her, and all because she desired a man. No, not a man – him.

  They had to be made to pay for that.

  Xane traced her lips slowly, seeking to deliver comfort rather than passion. Salty tears ran over her lips and into his mouth. ‘No one is going to cut you again for being with me, or anyone else. We can shut them down, Dani.’

  She shook her head. ‘It’s their choice.’

  ‘It wasn’t your choice.’

  ‘I could have left. I could have run away. It was my choice to stay and let them support me. I didn’t have to accept their charity.’

  ‘No one wants to go it entirely alone in the world.

  ‘I don’t want to make trouble, Xane. I just want to leave them behind.’ Dani smiled up at him through watery eyes. Teardrops hung in the long strands of her eyelashes. ‘As much as they’re crazy, and despite everything they’ve done, they still looked after mum and me when we needed somewhere to go. I don’t want to lose contact with her either. She’s all I’ve got.’

  He stroked her long hair and cupped her face so that he could press another kiss to her lips. ‘You’ve got me.’

  ‘Don’t.’ She tapped a finger on his nose. ‘I know that’s not really true. We’re about to part ways, remember. You were in the process of saying goodbye.’

  When he tried to deny it, she kept on shaking her head.

  ‘I know what this has been about. I get it, Xane, and I’m not bitter. I know you’re working through a lot of stuff right now, what with everything that’s happened with the band and having to move on from Elspeth.’

  ‘Dani – no! I’m not grieving for Elspeth. Hiding from the band, maybe, but I was never … This was never about her. Leastways, not in the way you think.’ Yes, she was partly responsible for the cluster of bruises on his heart, but not because he’d loved her, rather because she’d stolen something from him that he could never win back. Not that Steve had ever been his in the first place. He’d been an idiot thinking that was even remotely true.

  The internal phone rang, disturbing them with its jarring tone. Xane answered.

  ‘Your cab to the airport is here, sir.’

  ‘Thanks. We’ll be right down.’

  ‘Time?’ Dani asked, when he hung up.

  Xane
nodded. He’d been thinking on his feet earlier, when he’d booked their flights, imagining that by sending her home he’d ensure her safety. He didn’t want her caught up in the drama unfolding around him. But her home wasn’t safe, nor did he actually wish to part with her. Dani was the best thing that had happened to him in a very long time.

  He took hold of her hand and lifted it to his lips. ‘You know, we don’t have to go separate ways, if you don’t want to. There’s no reason why you couldn’t come to Ric’s with me.’

  ‘Really?’ She peeped up at him, clearly astonished.

  Xane nodded. ‘As long as you realise the consequences, and that we might well end up stuck there for some time. I don’t know how that would affect you, aside from the obvious trouble it might cause with your mum. I assume you’ve work commitments.’ It was one thing to steal her away from her everyday life for a weekend or so, but expecting her to run away with him for what could be a long time was a much bigger proposition, and one he didn’t think she’d accept.

  ‘Yes,’ she said. ‘Yes. I’ll come.’

  ‘You will?’

  ‘Are you kidding? I’m crazy about you.’

  ‘What about your mum? Won’t she disown you?’

  Dani pursed her lips and began to frown. ‘Maybe.’ He watched the dilemma further churn within her thoughts. ‘I’ll take that risk,’ she said at last. ‘If she really loves me, she’ll understand. I know she did love my dad once upon a time. Some bit of her must remember how that felt.’

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Yeah.’ She nodded barely perceptibly. ‘Yes, I am.’

  ‘Thank God.’ He squeezed her tight as a goofy grin stretched his lips wide. It seemed amazing to him that she was prepared to risk so much, when she still barely knew him. No one else had ever put so much faith in him.

  Of course, she might change her mind once she did know him properly. Xane was under no illusions about himself. He knew he was high maintenance and he couldn’t deny he still felt torn up inside. At some point he’d have to explain to her what had really happened between himself, Elspeth and Steve over the last eighteen months. Just not yet, while it remained so raw.

  ‘If your cousin is that reclusive, won’t he mind us just turning up?’

  Xane shook his head. Ric would never turn him away in a crisis. ‘I might have to owe him one, which will probably involve stripping off.’ He pursed his lips, and then shrugged.

  Dani’s lovely brown eyes crossed briefly before she made the connection. ‘Ric’s the dodgy photographer? The one who took those photographs you have on the wall at your place?’

  ‘Yeah, that’s the one. Though I suggest you use the term erotic photographer when you meet him.’

  ‘I’ll try to do that,’ she said, a massive grin bursting across her face. ‘I can’t believe this is real. Are you sure you want me with you, Xane?’

  ‘One hundred per cent.’ He bent close to her ear. ‘There’s at least sixty ways I haven’t had you yet.’

  Chapter 29

  Xane’s phone vibrated non-stop from the moment he arrived in Schiphol airport, which wouldn’t have been half so annoying if even one of those alerts had been from the person he wanted to reach. ‘Pick up the phone, Ric, you useless bastard.’

  ‘Urgh.’ He scrolled through the lists of messages, frowning at the mix of inane and insulting texts. Why did people need to inundate him with this crap? Because, seriously, he wasn’t sure he knew what furtling was, let alone whether he’d enjoy doing it with Pierre or anyone else for that matter, nor was he about to attach himself to some obscure Finnish rock group that couldn’t play for shit but really would love him to be their new vocalist.

  His and Steve’s bust-up at the casino was still trending across the social media networks, but seemed to have been ignored so far by the main news providers. Unfortunately, Dani’s image was trending too, along with details about her snatched straight off her Facebook page.

  He ought to have insisted on getting her a new phone before he put her on that plane. He really hoped she was safe, because he’d never forgive himself if she ended up being mobbed or hurt because of him.

  Since the tickets were pre-booked, he’d put Dani on the direct UK flight bound for Exeter, while he’d taken the longer route via the Netherlands. They were due to rendezvous on the 18.46 cross-country train service from Exeter to Penzance.

  Though he balked at doing it, knowing he’d be subjecting himself to an earful of shit, Xane called Sally Kettering to see if she could work some PR magic to divert the press attention elsewhere. Unfortunately, Sally happened to be hanging out with Elspeth, so all he got was a crapload of abuse, causing him to hang up before he’d even mentioned Dani. Lord only knows why he’d ever thought he and Elspeth were a good fit. He must have had his head up his own arse for the last eighteen months. It wasn’t as if they’d ever seen eye to eye on much. Actually, only ever on one thing – Steve.

  Although still hurt, Xane had to admit his anger had lost most of its heat since the punch-up in the casino. Enough of what Steve had been so desperate to tell him had sunk in for him to realise that they’d both been played for fools. Elspeth had jerked both their strings, just as she’d done from the very start of their three-way relationship. It’d cranked her libido up to eleven the first time she’d seen him and Steve kiss. It’d only started going wrong when it dawned on her that they didn’t actually need her to have fun. Leastways, he didn’t. He couldn’t pretend Steve felt the same way, no matter how much he’d sometimes wished it.

  Steve didn’t mind fooling around together, but that’s as far as it went. Any actual love he felt, he saved up for Elspeth, who all too eagerly lapped it up.

  Xane stretched his spine, arching against the uncomfortable waiting-room seat. His ribs moaned in protest, but he’d decided they weren’t fractured, only bruised. A couple of painkillers and he’d be absolutely fine.

  With another forty minutes remaining until his flight boarded, he returned to his phone for amusement. One by one he zapped the backlog of messages, only hesitating over the one that flashed up from Steve.

  He wasn’t ready to let bygones be bygones, but he did want to know how the guy was after the beating he’d taken. OK, there were a few points he’d like to go over in more detail too, and he couldn’t deny that in the back of his mind there was a little theatre running in which they enjoyed a very different post-break-up reunion. He knew it would never happen. Steve was genuinely in love with Elspeth, and Xane was far too much of a gentleman to come between a pair of newlyweds, no matter how much they’d fucked with him in the past.

  That wasn’t to say he entirely wished them well. Elspeth had screwed him good – frickin’ evil cow – and hadn’t hesitated to massage a few facts to get what she wanted. She’d known exactly how he’d react to any suggestion that she and Steve might tie the knot, and she’d known how Steve would react too. The guy was a generally decent bloke. He’d been honest with Xane from the start about his feelings. He’d never led him on or fostered unreasonable hope.

  Xane pressed ‘read’ on the text from Steve.

  Have you checked out? We really need to talk about this.

  Yes. You? he replied.

  Holed up with a sore head & a nose the colour of a blackberry. You’d shit yourself laughing if you saw it. Glad you’re OK. Where are you? Can I meet you somewhere?

  Xane hesitated, and then typed. Holland. Don’t think meeting’s a good plan. Get your nose seen to. Cops visit?

  Not so far. Dr’s appt booked for the morrow.

  That was something. Bastard security hadn’t needed to wade in so hard. His throat still hurt, and his ribs … his ribs were definitely not broken. Not that assuring himself of that fact seemed to be fixing them.

  Sorry things have all gone to shit, especially about Daniella being drawn in. I hope you know I’d never knowingly screw you over. I should have known something wasn’t right when you weren’t at the ceremony. It was weird you not being the
re.

  Yeah.

  Xane, I’m really effing sorry. I really didn’t mean to hurt you. I know how you felt and I know I’ve said it before, but I’m sorry I couldn’t return your affections the way you would have liked.

  Don’t worry. I’ll get over it.

  I don’t know why I didn’t talk to you myself about the wedding, other than Elspeth seemed so adamant that it was sorted. I only wish I understood why she lied.

  She knew it was the only way to get you to herself, Xane typed, then deleted it. He tapped his phone to his lips, pondering. You’ll have to ask her, he eventually responded.

  Steve and Elspeth had made their choices. They’d have to work out between them whether they’d made the right ones and if they could be honest with one another. He was no longer involved. It turned out that the triangle they’d been convinced was so strong had actually been pretty flimsy.

  Don’t blame the others for this, Xane. None of it is their fault. You should carry on without us.

  They’re a bunch of self-serving, egotistical cretins and you know it.

  You’re no saint yourself, and you’re a goddamned exacting slave master. You need to cut them some slack. I’ll send my official resignation to Graham and get Elspeth to do the same. She owes you that much. With us gone, it should be easier for the rest of you to get back on track. Black Halo for ever. Be well. Steve.

  Chapter 30

  Dani could count on one hand the number of trains she’d been on. Travel hadn’t figured significantly in her childhood, so the whole process made her nervous. Thankfully, her seat was booked and easy enough to find in the blissful quiet of the first-class carriage. Xane hadn’t arrived yet, so she pushed her case into the overhead luggage rack and settled down to wait for him.

  Although it hadn’t actually been that long since they split up to catch separate flights, it seemed like an eternity to Dani. She felt stranded. Unhelpful thoughts kept rattling around in her head. Such as, what if he changed his mind about wanting her, and didn’t turn up? What would she do then, stuck on the south-west coast with nowhere to go and no one to turn to? One thing she had realised from being with Xane was that she didn’t want to go back to her old life and become consumed by its misery again. Somehow she needed to find a way to move forward with her life.