Blood of the Rainbow

by Shelia Chapman

  Sara opened her eyes, and he was staring at her, his eyes two balls of burning fire. He leaned closer, rubbing his cheek against her. “Ayor anosh'ni,” he whispered in her ear.

  Sara’s knees started to buckle. “How do you do that to me?” Sara breathed as he kissed along the sides of her neck down to her bare shoulders.

  “Do what?” he replied, trying to sound innocent, slyly grinning.

  “Make me forget I have to breathe.”

  “I guess I better do something about it,” he said and kissed her. Sara’s legs turned to hot butter. If Jared hadn’t been holding her up, she would have collapsed. “You’re awfully weak in your legs Sara,” he said smiling, trying to make her believe he didn’t know why. Sara wasn’t buying it. Jared knew exactly what he was doing to her, and he loved it. He loved making her stumble on her words and gasp for breath.

  Jared pressed the full length of his body against hers. Sara immediately became aware that there was nothing but her strapless silk nightgown and his cotton pajama bottom between them. Sara wasn’t the only one aroused. Jared groaned and deepened the kiss - his need as strong as hers - his body slightly trembling - struggling for control – holding back, afraid to let go.

  Jared knew things were getting out of hand, and Sara wasn’t helping. But then, after what happened at Wisteria Hall, she was determined not to. Sara was ready to give in to her feelings, but Jared wasn’t. He moved his lips away from hers, taking a breath. “God, Sara, you’re pushing me,” he said, breathlessly. “Eventually you’re going to make me snap and when I do….”

  Sara turned his face. He kept his eyes closed, his face a mask of pain and control. She kissed him again. “Is that a threat, or a promise?” she asked in a seductive whisper.

  “A promise,” he said and crushed his lips against hers, scooping her into his arms. He sat down on the porch, holding Sara on his lap, kissing her and exploring her body. Sara could hardly breathe her heart was pounding so hard. Jared’s was pounding too. Sara knew he was losing it, and so did Jared.

  “Sara, we have to stop now!” he said, pulling away. “I won’t do this. I won’t risk having a baby with you.”

  “Why? Because you’re afraid, its eyes may glow like yours, or it might be able to run a little faster than other children? I don’t care if you start baying at the moon. Ayor anosh’ni,” Sara said, her Navajo as fluent as his. “I want you, Jared, and I know you want me,” she said, turning his face to hers. “I can see it in your eyes. I can feel your body against mine. Why do you keep fighting this? It’s what we both want, isn’t it?”

  Jared kissed her, and then pulled away, just like before. Sara sighed, disappointed.

  “It’s not just about wanting and needing Sara. The possible consequences are what prevent me from doing what we both want. I won’t risk you, no matter how much I want you, and it’s not going to do you any good to keep testing my will power like this. I’m stronger than you could ever believe.” His eyes might have been hot as a burning flame, but they were cold as ice, determined.

  Sara was hurt. Jared thought she got up, in the middle of the night, decided to take a stroll in her nightgown, conveniently standing in a position that just happened to be under his bedroom window. Lure him out here, so she could seduce him and test his iron will power! Sara didn’t even know it was his bedroom. Jared was acting, like all those times they’d been tempted to go all the way, that it was her fault. That she’d been teasing and luring him.

  Sara turned away from him, so he couldn’t see the hurt and anger brewing behind her eyes. Hot tears streamed down her cheeks. Sara ignored the wind when it made them feel like icicles on her face.

  “I’m sorry Jared. I didn’t realize… this was all my fault.” She’d started to cry. Jared reached out to touch her, but she moved away. “I honestly did not come out here for you to follow me, so I could throw myself at you, again! I came to watch the storm. And for a while – for a very brief while – you made me feel like I was standing in the clouds. Now I see the storm has passed. You’re right – it’s entirely my fault. I’m going to my room now like a good little girl Jared. Thanks for the – mauling,” she snarled.

  Jared took a step toward her. “Sara, you know that’s not the way it is.”

  “Yeah?” she countered. “Well that’s the way it feels.” Sara wouldn’t look at him. She knew it would just make walking away harder. She didn’t want to turn away from him, but he’d given her no choice. He’d made his choice. He didn’t want her. Sara left him standing there watching her leave. She knew he was watching her. She could feel his eyes on her, glowing red with what, love, lust? Did it really matter?

  Sara put her hand over her mouth, fighting tears as she ran straight to her bedroom, slamming the door behind her. Burying her head in the pillow, she cried until her eyes were red and dry. Maybe she was pushing Jared too hard. Maybe she did need to back off. Maybe it was what he really wanted, and he just didn’t want to hurt her feelings. Sara didn’t know how much more of this mood ride she could handle. Somehow, she would find the courage and strength to gradually let him go.

  Chapter 16

  Sara and Jared spent the next three or four days much the same. Jared was serving as Sara’s tour guide, but things were different now. She’d given up. She’d stopped pushing. She only kissed him when he kissed her first, and she didn’t offer her opinion unless he asked for it.

  She listened as Jared told her the names of all the mountains and their importance to his Clan. It seemed the ‘Navajo’ gave a name to everything, because they believed everything, even the rocks had a spirit. But then Sara knew that wasn’t Jared’s real Clan, was it? At least, not according to George Washington Thomas Thundercloud, Jared’s grandfather. Unless, Joel had sold her a fake copy – an altered copy that allowed Sara to see what Joel wanted her to see.

  Sara snapped hundreds of pictures with her cell phone, usually when Jared wasn’t looking. No matter what happened, Sara didn’t want to forget any of this. She used her timer application and took pictures of her and Jared – but precious few. Sara reasoned if this were going to be the end for them, it would be easier if she didn’t have a lot of his pictures to remind her of her pain. She took pictures of his family too but again precious few for the same reason. Sara especially didn’t want to forget them. She loved them, all of them. She even took some pictures of the horses, especially Jade and Angelstar. This was her way of letting go, but every time she thought about it, she cried.

  Jared never knew, but Sara cried a lot. When she was with him, she wouldn’t let it show. Nadine kept quiet, but she knew too. Since Jared didn’t trust himself to sleep in the same room as Sara, she’d spent her nights alone, organizing her pictures, and writing in her journal. She got the idea from Jared’s dream diary. She wanted to have a record of what went on here. She also wrote some more poems and songs. Breaking away was killing her. Every night, after Jared kissed her goodnight and went to his bedroom, Sara would cry herself to sleep. Every morning, she’d pulled herself together and put on a perfect plastic smile. Until Jared changed his mind or gave her some indication he wanted a normal life with her, this was how it would be. She’d let herself become too attached. It appeared things were falling apart between her and Jared. Sara could scarcely breathe when she faced that fact.

  Sara sat, gazing out her bedroom window. The night was black but for the light of the moon. Not a streetlight of any form or fashion in sight, just the dark, bleak desert. At night, the giant cactus stood like guardians over the barren land – casting evil shadows across the ground. Off in the distance, the only sounds heard were the cry of the wolves, coyotes, and the occasional howl of wind as it hit the side of the house.

  ------------

  The bright Arizona sun woke Sara the next morning. She started to lift her head off the pillow. It felt like a herd of stampeding buffalo were running from one side to the other, bouncing off her skull. Sara wondered why she felt so miserable and empty, and then she remembered
last night. What a living nightmare, nothing had gone right. Trying to drown her troubles didn’t solve anything. This morning proved that. Last night must have been the biggest fight she and Jared had since they’d met.

  Sara thought back. God she’d said some nasty things to Jared, but then he said some to her. What could I have? Then as tears quickly filled her eyes, Sara remembered. She shuttered and squeezed her eyes shut as tears streamed down her cheeks. The argument resounded in her throbbing head.

  ‘You’re getting this all wrong Sara!’

  ‘Am I? I don’t think I am Jared! I’ve had just about all of your on-off-on love – if it can be called love – than I can handle. I’m tired of being set on fire and having to watch you walk away from me. At Wisteria Hall, you promised it wouldn’t be this way. I don’t need that shit Jared! You’ve obviously made love with Eve, but you won’t with me. Do I need to start wearing mini-skirts and showing my ass to create enough lust in you to make you do something? To take me seriously?’

  ‘No – I don’t want you to be like – I am taking you seriously. I love you Sara. I’ve promised to marry you, to spend my life with you.’

  ‘Like you did her Jared? Like your whore? I’ve had enough Jared. Take your secrets, your stupid stories and legends about perfect matches and shove them up your Navajo ass! I don’t love you anymore Jared. What you call love is just childish frustration. I’m asking Myra to take me to the airport tomorrow. I’m going home!’

  ‘Are you going back to Lucy’s?’

  ‘No Jared. I’m going home – home to Crooked Creek with my tail between my legs, because I’m not your perfect match, and I’m obviously not good enough!’

  ‘You know what Sara – fine – I think you’re right. I think you should go home. I think this whole thing was my stupid mistake. I’m sorry I crossed the road Sara! I’m sorry I bothered to love you. You obviously don’t want my love, and it’s probably better for you in the long run. But, you don’t need to ask Myra. Pack your things tonight. I’ll take you to the airport after breakfast. Call your mother. Tell her to pick you up at Shreveport.’

  Sara ran her hands through her hair. “Oh my God why on Earth did I say that? How could I get mad enough to call off our engagement? Did I honestly tell him, I didn’t love him anymore? That I was going home, not to Shreveport, but to Crooked Creek? Why in the hell would I do that? I’d rather run the gauntlet than go home to Mother! Get drunk again stupid! It won’t matter. You’ve already destroyed your future.” Tears streamed down Sara’s face again.

  She wanted to pull away. Boy did she do it last night. She not only pulled away, but she’d pushed Jared away so hard he’d stormed out of her room. No, wait, she’d thrown him out of her bedroom. Sara’s body racked with silent tears. She stood in front of the mirror, trying to brush her teeth, trying to stop crying, trying to convince herself that this was what she wanted - what Jared wanted. She felt awful, not just because of her pounding head and churning stomach, but for what she’d said and done to Jared. She’d been thoroughly vitriolic, and Jared had been searing. It was over between them now. It had to be! He would never forgive her. Why should he?

  She looked in the mirror, talking to herself. “Well, you got what you wanted, didn’t you?” Didn’t she? This was what she wanted, wasn’t it? She’d tried to pull away slowly, but that hurt way too much. Sara guessed something must have snapped last night – in her and Jared. Maybe it was better this way. It hurt like hell, but it was over and done now; no more hiding her tears, no more pretending. If, she could just hold out until he took her to the airport. Until she was on the plane. Until she could get back to Shreveport, Sara could move back in with Lucy, while she decided what she wanted to do.

  Sara narrowed her eyes at her reflection, contorting her face in masochistic anger. “No you idiot! This is not what you want! You want him! You want Jared!”

  Then do something about it now before it’s too late!

  “What?” Sara whirled, scanning the room. “Who said that?”

  Don’t be so naive Sara! Who do you think you’re kidding? Get off your sanctimonious ass and apologize to the man or regret it for the rest of your life!

  Sara scanned the room again, scratching her head. She sighed, remembering the voice she’d heard when she left Shreveport, running from Jared. It was the same voice she’d just heard. Her subconscious mind. “You’re right! You’re absolutely right. I’ll do it!”

  Convinced, Sara got dressed and did her hair. She took a deep breath and walked toward Jared’s bedroom. The door was closed. She knocked - no answer. “Jared, are you in there?” No answer. Slowly she turned the doorknob. “Jared, I need to talk to you.” She pushed the door back. His bed was made – it hadn’t been slept in. It didn’t look like he’d even been in his bedroom.

  Sara listened for the shower – nothing. Her newfound courage dissolved. “It’s already too late,” she cried as she sank on the foot of his bed, hugging his pillow in her arms. Silently, she willed Jared to be downstairs, but her gut said he wouldn’t be. Oh God! Is he truly gone? What if he’d had enough? Had he changed his mind and decided to go back to Shreveport without her? Something grabbed Sara, squeezing her chest. She started to cry again. She couldn’t do this. This wasn’t what she wanted. “Maybe Eve had made a mistake by leaving Jared.”

  But now you’ve made the same mistake….

  “No!” Sara wiped her eyes, composed herself and went downstairs.

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  Tom was sitting in front of the large screen TV, watching a news program. He glanced at Sara as she passed through to the kitchen. Myra was sitting at the table, working on her essay for a late evening.

  “Where’s Jared?” Myra raised her eyebrows and shrugged. “Your Mom? Myra silently pointed toward the back yard with her pencil, engrossed in her studies. Sara stepped out of the air-conditioned house and felt the full force of the Arizona sun. It was hot – boy was it hot – and dry. It was so dry you could be near heat stroke and never know it. She walked to the back of the yard where Nadine was stooped over her prized roses, busily snipping the spent blossoms and the occasional brown leaf with her pruning shears. She stood as Sara approached her.

  “Hi, Sweetie, are you feeling better?”

  “Not really… where’s Jared? It didn’t look as if he’d slept in his bed.”

  “He didn’t Honey. He slept on the sofa in the lounge. He was still on it when I came down to make coffee.”

  “Was he still upset?”

  “I’m not sure Sara. Jared bottles things up a lot. It’s hard to read him. He’s my son, but that doesn’t mean I always understand everything he says and does.”

  Sara laughed nervously. “It wasn’t hard to tell last night. He was furious with me. He’ll never forgive me.”

  Nadine chuckled. “I doubt that, but I do think he was still upset.”

  “Do you know where he went?”

  She continued to tend her roses. “Riding, I think….”

  “How long has he been gone?”

  “All morning. He didn’t eat breakfast. I think he might be gone a while. He had packed some food and water in his backpack before he left. When I asked him how long he would be gone, he said, he’d come back when he felt like it. If he felt like it.”

  Sara sighed. “Nada, it seems the closer we get the more we argue with each other. I’m not sure I’m what he needs.” She sighed again and pinched off a spent blossom.

  Nadine causally turned back to her pruning. “What makes you think that?”

  Sara was despondent. “I love Jared, and even though he says he loves me, I’m not sure if he feels as strongly as I do. I think I might be trying to make him love me, and he just doesn’t.”

  “Ouch!” Nadine laughed. “You know, I love these roses. I prune them. I feed them. I water them and they bloom for me. Still, they have sharp teeth that snag me now and then,” she said, showing Sara the droplet of blood on her thumb. “Just because they bite once, doesn’t mean
they don’t appreciate what I do for them.”

  “Why not just pull off the thorns?”

  Nadine turned to Sara. “Because… the thorns protect the tender stems from nasty bugs that would suck the life out of them. They don’t want to hurt me, they’re just protecting themselves, and I know that. I’ve seen some people rip these beautiful things to shreds because they pricked their finger on its thorn. It’s the same with love Sara. Anything, that’s worth anything, comes with trial and pain. The more the worth, the bigger the trial, the stronger the pain. Sara, I think you’re exactly what Jared needs. He knows that too, but he’s afraid of losing it.”

  “Why, Nada?” Sara begged. “If you know why – please tell me?”

  Nadine softly laughed again and moved to her next rosebush. “I can only offer you advice Sara. I can’t give you the solution. If you want answers to those questions, you’ll have to ask Jared.”

  Sara was getting exasperated. Silent tears filled her eyes. “But he won’t tell me, Nada. I’ve tried! After last night, he’ll probably never speak to me again! Nobody will tell me, and it’s driving me insane!”

  “Jared will tell you Sara. He’s like the wolf spirit in him - you just have to corner him. He’s afraid, and as long as he can run, he’ll run. Get him in a situation where he can’t run anymore and he’ll tell you, trust me.”

  “How do I do that?”

  “He’s out there now. Go to him. Talk to him. Ask him. He’ll either tell you or leave you out there by yourself. I don’t think he would ever do anything to put you in harm’s way.”

  “But, Nada I don’t even know which way he went. Where he is?” Sara wasn’t being entirely truthful. She had an idea, and she didn’t like it. Oh God, please, don’t let him be where I think he is. I’m as good as dead!

  Nadine looked at Sara and smiled. “Yes you do. Listen to your inner self. It’s where you’re both still connected. You always have been. Jared will never be able to run from that. Listen to your heart, and I’ll bet it will lead you straight to him.”