STAR (A 44 Chapters Novel)

by BB Easton

  Hans stood on the other side of the cart, staring at me with a box of Pop-Tarts suspended in his outstretched hand. “You okay, baby?”

  I just stared back, breathing hard and listening to the ringing of my pounding pulse in my ears. I wanted to tell him that I knew exactly how he’d felt. That I knew what it was like to love someone who was sick and violent. Someone who could never truly be what you wanted him to be, even on his best day. Someone whose worst days were so bad that they might haunt me forever. But I couldn’t find the words.

  Hans dropped the box into the cart and bent down to look me in the eyes. A deep V creased between his brows, and his blue-jean-colored irises flicked back and forth between mine. “Baby, talk to me.”

  I wanted to. I wanted to share my trauma with someone as freely as Hans had just shared his with me. There were so many hurts I’d never said out loud before because I’d been worried about protecting Knight. Worried that people wouldn’t understand, that they’d think he was just another abusive boyfriend.

  Was he?

  As I opened my mouth to say something, anything, the sound of a different girl filled my ears. A happier girl. A girl who knew my boyfriend’s stupid fucking nickname.

  “Oh my God! LDH? Is that you?”

  We turned to find a buxom brunette in a red crop top and baggy jeans bounding toward us with a shopping basket in the crook of her arm. She reminded me of Little Red Riding Hood skipping through the forest.

  Only way skankier.

  Hans’s face flipped from concerned to delighted in an instant. “Hey! What’s up?”

  “Oh my God, it is you! I knew it!” Little Red Riding Ho wrapped her arms around Hans’s neck and smooshed her ample tits against his chest. He chuckled at her enthusiasm and patted her back awkwardly. Releasing him, finally, she squealed, “I love your music! I go to Locals Only at the Masquerade every month just to see you guys!”

  “Oh shit!” Hans said, genuine recognition alight in his eyes. “You came onstage for the kiss contest last month.”

  “Every month! Trip hasn’t picked me yet though.” She pouted. Just then, her eyes flicked over to me. “Oh my God, I remember you! You’re the girl who mooned everybody!”

  If I have to hear the words oh my God one more time…

  I smiled through my gritted teeth. “Yep. That’s me.”

  “Girl, that was awesome!” Little Red Riding Ho lifted her palm into the air.

  Oh, for fuck’s sake. Now I have to high-five this idiot?

  I tried not to roll my eyes as my hand came up to meet hers rather unenthusiastically.

  Turning her attention back to my boyfriend, Little Red said, “What are you doing here? You don’t live around here, do you? Oh my God, are we neighbors?”

  Hans opened his mouth, but I interjected before he had the chance to tell this rando fangirl his fucking home address. “He’s up here recording an album. His producer lives here.”

  “Oh my God, really? That’s so exciting! I can’t wait to hear it!”

  “Thanks,” Hans said, giving me a quizzical sideways glance. “It’s coming along.”

  “Oh my God, can I get your autograph?” Little Red asked, digging in her purse for a pen and a piece of paper.

  Hans ended up signing the back of a gas station receipt, a Taco Bell napkin, and a gum wrapper for Little Red Riding Ho before she finally let him go, but not until she gave him another disgustingly tight, smooshy hug.

  As soon as she walked away, with a little extra sway in her curvy hips, Hans pulled me into his arms and spun me around. My combat-boot-covered feet came off the ground and damn near cleared a shelf of Pop-Tarts.

  Hans was so genuinely happy I couldn’t even be annoyed anymore. He had just been recognized for the first time out in public. That was a big deal. If he wanted to make a living as a musician, he was going to need fans. Lots of them.

  Even cute ones with hourglass figures and limited vocabularies.

  When he set me back down on my feet, I smiled up at him, basking in his elation. Hans’s happiness was infectious, and I found myself perusing the aisles with him, fantasizing about things like agents and signing bonuses and recording studios and tours. The intensity of our earlier conversation had completely evaporated. My awkward flashback, long forgotten.

  By Hans at least.

  Love bubble?

  Love cocoon?

  Love shroud. Ooh, I like it. That sounds kinda morbid, like a Phantom Limb song.

  I opened my mouth to tell Hans what it was that we were floating in and then giggled because I’d already forgotten.

  “What’s so funny?” he whispered into my ear, barely audible over the roar of the bonfire and other fucked-up party guests.

  “I don’t even know!” I giggled back, nuzzling my face into the soft crook of his hoodie-covered neck. “I’m just so happy right now.”

  “Me too,” Hans whispered, turning his face to mine. His low voice rumbled through me, and when his lips found mine, the invisible layer of fuzzy, tingly electrical pulses surrounding us intensified tenfold.

  It felt like every hair on my head was standing on end as Hans’s tongue slid along the seam of my lips and swept into my mouth. I couldn’t hold on to a thought long enough to think. I could only feel, and everything felt important. Amazing. Symbiotic.

  We couldn’t have gotten out of that lawn chair if we’d tried. Hans and I had merged into a single eight-limbed monstrosity. A freak of nature. We’d become joined from our necks to our knees, and we didn’t give a single solitary fuck who saw us like that.

  All of a sudden, the rickety metal and nylon chair shook beneath us as if we were in an earthquake. I clung to Hans’s hoodie as the sound of laughter erupted behind us. I looked up to find Trip staring down at us, pupils the size of saucers, gripping the back of our chair and grinning like the Cheshire Cat.

  “Time to play, lover boy. We gotta be done by dark so the cops don’t get called again. Tuck your boner in and get your ass in gear.” Trip ruffled Hans’s hair and headed toward Steven’s patio where Baker and Louis were already setting up.

  I stuck out my bottom lip and looked back at Hans. “You can’t go. We’re stuck together forever.”

  Hans smiled, warmth shining out of his dilated denim-colored eyes. “Forever,” he whispered against my lips.

  “Forever.” I beamed against his.

  “Hansel Gretel Oppenheimer! Get your sexy ass over here!”

  “I gotta go, baby.”

  “Wait. Can you even play on ecstasy?” I glanced around him at the spot where I knew he would stand, just to the right of Trip’s microphone.

  “Fuck yeah. It’s amazing. I don’t even have to think about it. I just play.”

  “Okay. I guess you can go.” I pouted. “I’ll miss you.”

  “I’ll miss you more.”

  “Don’t make me come over there, motherfucker!”

  Hans stood up and set me down in the empty seat we’d been sharing by the bonfire. Steven had attempted to make a half-pipe in his backyard over the summer, but it hadn’t gone well. Evidently, it takes more than just a shit-ton of plywood and some nails to successfully build a skateboard ramp. So after he’d busted his ass on it a few times, Steven had gotten pissed off, torn it down, and set it on fire.

  Not super mature, but it was a great excuse for a party.

  Goth Girl scooted her lawn chair over next to mine. “You two are so fucking cute,” she deadpanned.

  “You’re so fucking cute,” I said, tugging on one of her long Wednesday Addams braids.

  Goth Girl rolled her eyes, but I could tell she wanted to smile.

  “He’s always that sweet, isn’t he?” she asked, watching the guys setting up.

  “Mmhmm,” I hummed dreamily. “Always.”

  “Oh my God, is this the first time you guys have rolled together?”

  “Mmhmm,” I hummed again, smiling at my lover from across the lawn.

  “You’re so fucking lucky,” Goth Gir
l lamented, resting her head on my shoulder. I could feel her teeth grinding against my bony joint. “Steven’s such an asshole. Sometimes ecstasy is the only thing that keeps me from cutting his dick off and throwing it out the car window.”

  I laughed, a little too hard, and rested my head on top of hers. It felt good to talk to her again. I think that was already the longest conversation we’d had since she started dating Steven.

  “Where is he?” I asked. “You guys are usually all over each other.”

  “He’s inside, making Maddie dinner.”

  “Maddie’s here?” I sat up and looked at her.

  “Yeah. Her whore mother dropped her off an hour ago with no warning.”

  “I’ve been out here for an hour?”

  Goth Girl sat up and laughed—or came as close to it as her dry, apathetic personality would allow. “You’ve been out here for, like, two hours.”

  “Really? No wonder I have to pee so bad.” I giggled.

  “Go pee. And bring me a beer on your way back.”

  I nodded and planted a little kiss on her pale cheek. Then I stood up on two rubbery legs and stumbled toward the house. The band was tuning their instruments, so I mouthed to Hans that I was going to pee, hoping to be back before they started playing.

  He cupped a hand to his ear and mouthed back, What? I can’t hear you.

  Then we grinned at each other like loons.

  When I stepped into the kitchen through the back door, it was like falling from heaven into the pits of hell in an instant. Someone was crying. Someone was yelling. And something crashed against the wall next to my head.

  A little girl with bright red curls was standing next to the kitchen table. Her arms were folded across her chest, and her sleeves and pant legs stopped a few inches higher than they were supposed to. “I wanna go home!”

  “You are home!” Steven shouted back at her, slamming an empty beer bottle down on the kitchen counter. He swayed a little on his feet after the motion.

  “I don’t want you! I want Mommy!”

  “Well, that’s funny because your mommy didn’t want—”

  “Hey, Maddie!” I interrupted before I even knew what I was saying. “It’s so nice to meet you! I love your room! Will you show it to me?”

  Maddie and Steven both turned toward me, the hurt they’d inflicted on each other still fresh on their faces.

  I walked slowly toward Maddie, as if she were a wild beast. “Will you show me which My Little Pony is your favorite?”

  Maddie huffed and glared at her dad. “I don’t even wike My Wittle Pony anymoh.”

  “Really?” I said, coming to stand between her and Steven. Crouching down so that I was on her level, I asked, “What are you into now?”

  Maddie’s golden-brown eyes shifted to mine. “SpumBob StwarePants,” she said with every ounce of sass she possessed.

  “Oh, I haven’t seen that show yet. It’s new, right?”

  The back door opened behind me, letting in the first few bars of Phantom Limb’s fast-paced thrash-metal opening song, “Death Rattle.” Maddie watched her father leave, then returned her gaze to mine once the door slammed shut. Her eyes softened fractionally, and her shoulders seemed to relax a little.

  “Yeah, it’s new. It’s so funny. SpumBob wivs in a pineapple undoh de sea.”

  “Really? That’s awesome!” I put my hand on the floor to steady myself as the room began to tilt. My stomach lurched, and my mouth filled with saliva.

  No, no, no. I can’t puke. Not now. I need to eat. Eating will help.

  “Maddie, sweetie, what did your daddy make you for dinner?”

  “Leftovoh pasketti. I hate pasketti.”

  Yeah. I can tell from the way it’s dripping down the wall.

  I crawled over to the fridge and pulled it open. Condiments, Chinese food containers, expired milk, and at least seven cases of Miller Lite.

  Awesome.

  “I wike toast.”

  I turned and looked at Maddie, who was sucking on the end of her sleeve.

  “Wif cheese on it.”

  “Girl, you have excellent taste.”

  After Maddie and I finished our gourmet cheese toast, Maddie stole all the paper out of Steven’s printer so that we could draw pictures of “SpumBob StwarePants” for her room.

  She sat on my lap so that she could reach the table better, and that whole love bubble/cocoon/shroud thing I’d been in with Hans sucked Maddie right up. I loved her. I loved her take-no-shit attitude and her adorable gap-toothed smile and her squishy little hands, still plump with baby fat. I wanted to ask Hans if we could take her home. With that red hair, no one would even know she wasn’t mine, except for the fact that it was biologically impossible for me to have a six-year-old.

  Details schmetails.

  Just as I was putting the finishing touches on my pineapple sketch, I heard the front door open and close. A guy I’d never met before walked into the kitchen through the living room and squatted down next to Maddie.

  “What’s up, homegirl?” he asked, holding up his fist.

  “Uncle Jason!” Maddie squealed and smashed her tiny, little balled-up hand against his.

  The dude had an interesting vibe. I was so high, I could practically see people’s auras, and his read relaxed, smart, cool, outsider. He had a nice smile, and if it weren’t for that frat-boy haircut and wardrobe, I totally would have thought he was cute.

  I can only imagine what I looked like to him. I’m sure my aura was blinking yellow like a caution sign, screaming, Ninety-eight-pound crackhead who is clearly fucked up and should not be supervising a goldfish, let alone a six-yea-old child.

  Mr. Crew Cut extended his right hand to me with a smile. “Hey. I’m Jason.”

  He even shakes hands? Who shakes hands?

  “So I heard.” I smiled back, accepting his hand with my much clammier one. “I’m BB.”

  He was polite enough not to recoil like most people did when they felt how cold my hands were. He also didn’t make a big deal about my pupils being the size of quarters.

  I decided I liked him.

  “Are you Steven’s brother?” I asked, narrowing my eyes but still not seeing the resemblance.

  “No.” Jason glanced between us at Maddie. She was humming the SpongeBob SquarePants theme song to herself while furiously coloring in my pineapple sketch. Lowering his voice, he said, “I’m his dealer,” with a wink.

  I burst out laughing. “And she calls you Uncle Jason? No offense, but that’s fucked up.” I immediately clapped my hands over my mouth and looked down at Maddie to make sure she hadn’t been listening. “Messed up.”

  Jason laughed. “I’m here a lot. Maddie and I usually bro out for a few minutes whenever I stop by, don’t we, Mads?”

  Maddie nodded as she concentrated on staying in the lines, her little pink tongue poking out the side of her mouth.

  “Are you sure you’re a dealer? You look more like”—I tilted my head to the side in contemplation, then pointed my marker at him—“a stockbroker.”

  Jason laughed, showing off those pretty teeth again. “Ouch.” He held both hands over his heart.

  “Not in a bad way!” I backpedaled, holding my hands up in apology.

  Jason stood up and walked over to the fridge to help himself to a beer. “It’s cool. I do corporate web design and IT support during the day. I want to start my own company in the next few years, so I’m just doing this to help raise enough capital for all the start-up costs.”

  “Kind of like how I’m gonna be a stripper in a few years when I have to pay for grad school.”

  Jason snorted as he took his first sip of Miller Light. “You’re cool.” Tipping the neck of his bottle at me, he asked, “So, how’s that roll treating you?”

  Shit. He can tell that I’m rolling. Am I that obvious?

  “Ugh…great.”

  “Good. That’s one of mine. Evidently, they were pretty popular tonight because Steven called me to come replenish his inv
entory.” Jason pulled a ziplock baggie out of his khaki pants pocket and shook the little white tablets inside.

  “Do you make those?”

  “Nah, I just sell ’em,” he said, tucking the bag back into his pocket, “but I want to make sure they’re good, you know. I like to keep my customers happy.”

  “Well, I feel pretty damn—I mean, darn happy.” I turned to look at Maddie but found her sound asleep with her head on the table. The sun was almost down outside, which meant that it was probably around nine o’clock. I turned back to Jason and laughed. “I think we bored her to death.”

  “You need some help with that?” he asked, gesturing toward the unconscious child on my lap.

  “Nah, I got her.” I wrapped my arms under Maddie’s armpits and scooted my chair out, but that only caused her head to fall forward once we cleared the table.

  Jason chuckled and came over. Setting his beer down, he picked Maddie up like she weighed nothing and carried her into her room.

  I turned on the small lamp next to her bed and began unlacing her too-tight shoes.

  “Why don’t you ever come to any of Steven’s parties?” I asked, wriggling off one beat-up, old sneaker.

  “Oh, that’s ’cause I ran out of black lipstick and nail polish. And, also, because I don’t want to.”

  I laughed as I pulled her other stinky shoe off. “Yeah, it’s not exactly my scene either, but Goth Gir—Victoria…is my friend, and my boyfriend’s in the band, so…here I am.”

  I unzipped Maddie’s stained pink hoodie and managed to get it off of her without dislocating one of her shoulders. I hoped. Tossing her My Little Pony comforter over her, I smiled, remembering waking up under that same comforter with Hans. It was crazy to think that that was only two months ago. I felt like I’d known him my whole life. And maybe a few other lifetimes before this one. I couldn’t wait to get back outside, climb back onto his lap, and cuddle and kiss and whisper sweet nothings until our bodies disintegrated, and we got new ones all over again.

  With my aura now a rosy shade of pink, I turned off Maddie’s lamp and stumbled directly into the footboard of her bed.

  “Fuuuck!” I shouted, grabbing my knee in the dark.

  Jason stood in the doorway, laughing at me, as I hopped around, rubbing the fresh bruise.