Strawberry Wine

by Darly Jamison

  I nodded. “I’m not a big crier, I never have been. You know that.”

  “I know. You’ve always handled things your own way. I just want you to know that it’s okay. Crying is a release, it’s cleansing. We all need to cry sometimes. You don’t have to be strong for us, if that’s what you’re doing.” She reached out and rubbed my upper arm.

  The corner of my lips tipped up. “Now you sound like Mags.”

  “I wish!” she said, a small laugh escaping her lips. She was quiet for a moment as her face clouded over. “You and Mags were thick as thieves. There were times I felt jealous of your relationship.”

  My eyes opened wide with surprise. “You were jealous? But why?”

  Mom let out a sigh and sat down on my bed. “It just seemed you preferred her to me, sometimes. The way you two would carry on in the kitchen, laughing like schoolgirls. And as you got older, it seemed you shared more with her than with me. I get it now, but back then it was difficult to see. I know kids need someone else besides their parents to talk to, and I am so glad you had Mags. I feel foolish that I ever let it bother me.”

  I sat down, joining my mom on the edge of the bed. “I hope I didn’t make you feel bad. It was never my intention.”

  “Oh, no, Addy! I never felt bad, just a little left out sometimes. It was silly, I know that now.” She took my hand and held it firmly in hers. “I am so glad you had Mags in your life. I know she had a big impact on you, and your father and I are so proud of how you turned out. She helped mold you into the beautiful and gracious woman you are today, and for that I will forever be grateful.”

  I studied her face, trying to read between the lines of what she said. “You and Dad did that, too. I have learned so much from the both of you. There has never been a time in my life where I felt I couldn’t come to you.”

  Something tugged at the corners of her mouth. She sighed and closed her eyes for a moment, and when she opened them she gave me a wide smile. “I feel so lucky you are mine, you know that?” She leaned in for another hug.

  We sat quietly and watched an oriole sing on the perch of the windowsill, its brilliant orange plumage blazing brightly in the sun. Veering back, she studied me with squinted eyes. “I see you’ve raided your closet,” she said with a smile.

  I looked down at the dress and boots I wore and grinned. “They still fit,” I said, looking up at her. “What do you think?”

  Her eyes moved down my frame, taking in my outfit. “I think you look amazing. Just like you did in high school. I’m still not sure about those red boots, though.”

  Before I could stop myself, I laughed. “You never did like them! Why not? I never did understand that.”

  A blush covered Mom’s cheeks. “I didn’t think red was an appropriate color for you. It felt too passionate. I didn’t want my baby girl to grow up.”

  “You know you couldn’t stop that from happening. I had to grow up, whether you liked it or not,” I said quietly.

  “It doesn’t make sense, but you’ll understand one day when you’re a mother.”

  I felt the smile melt off my face. “I suppose.”

  Mom pursed her lips and leaned back. “How do you feel about Christopher leaving?” she asked, as if she knew what I was thinking.

  I shrugged my shoulders and looked away. “He has an important job to do. I guess I should get used to that.” I looked over at her and thought I saw a shadow pass over her face. “Last night after dinner, when I was helping Mags wash the dishes, she said she wanted me to think long and hard about something. She asked me if I was certain Christopher was the one.”

  Mom’s eyes shot open wide with surprise. “She said that?”

  I nodded and looked down at my hands. “At first, I didn’t know what to think. Why would she say that? And then today he runs home to his patient, even though there are plenty of other doctors there to take care of her. He left me.” I shook my head and looked up at her. “I mean, he apologized and seemed to genuinely feel bad. But he still left. I don’t know what to think,” I admitted. “I thought I knew what I wanted, but now I’m not so sure. Mags has always been spot-on with her observations. We were supposed to talk more about this before I left, but now—we can’t.” My heart sank into my stomach.

  “My God, Addy. I’m so sorry.” She took a deep breath and let it out slowly, then ran a hand through her hair. “You know, I’ve been employed at the hospital for a very long time and I see how hard the doctors work. I’ve also seen a lot of other things, too. Modern medicine is a gift, but it can come with a price. Now, I don’t want to deter you, you need to follow your heart. But I will say that if you decide to marry Christopher, chances are it won’t be like the marriages you’ve seen growing up.” She shifted on the bed, turning more to face me. “Do you remember when you were a little girl and you hated me being on call? Do you remember how you felt when I had to work on Christmas or your birthday?”

  I nodded.

  “Being a doctor means a lot more on call. It means dropping everything and rushing to the hospital on a moment’s notice, no matter what’s going on at home. Holidays, cookouts, the birth of children . . .” Her voice trailed off. “It also means going away to conventions. Early days, late nights, long hours, flirting nurses. You’re just getting a taste of that now. Once you’re married, once you have children, it’s not going to change. It could even get worse. Christopher said he’d like to run his own practice one day. That means more responsibility. You know this, you work in the medical field. Are you prepared for all that?”

  I thought for a long moment before answering. “I thought I was. I know how hard he works and I’m so proud of all he’s accomplished. I also know it makes him happy. And if it makes him happy, then it should make me happy, too.”

  It wasn’t until I said it out loud that I realized it was a lie. A dirty, nasty, flat-out lie.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  When Monday morning came around, I woke up confused. For a split second I thought it all had been a dream, a nightmare, and I was safe in my own bed with everything back to normal. But I wasn’t in my own bed. Well, I was, but it was a bed that I hadn’t slept in for years. And it hadn’t been a dream. Mags was gone. And so was Christopher.

  I sat up, my hair falling in tangled waves around my shoulders. Pushing back the knotted strands, I took a deep breath. There was a lot that needed to get done today. The funeral arrangements had been made; now I just needed to prepare.

  I wanted to gather as many pictures as I could find, photographs that captured the essence of who Mags was, and put them together to display at the funeral home. I also wanted music to play, her very favorite songs, so I would need to go through her collection to find the CDs I knew she loved most.

  This had to be a celebration; Mags would want it that way. She wouldn’t want people crying and making a fuss. And if I took care of all the details, then it would save Gramps and my parents from having to do it. They could just be together and grieve without the worry of needing to get things done.

  I stretched my muscles, tight with stress, and swung my legs over the side of the bed. My eyes squinted against the morning sunlight that filtered in through the white blinds on my window, and I folded my hands in my lap sedately. For a moment I felt peaceful, like I had a grip on the situation.

  My mind traveled back to the night before, when Mom and I had spoken. Her words played over and over in my mind, about doctors and babies and life. I’d gone over these things before I fell asleep, and I was certain Christopher and I could work things out. After all, we loved each other. And if I told him how his leaving made me feel, he would certainly understand.

  Reaching to the bedside table and grabbing my cell, I pulled up Christopher’s number and called. The phone rang a few times before sending me to voice mail. I felt my eyebrows crinkle. Christopher always answered his phone, at least when he wasn’t working. Tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear, I dialed Ruby’s number. I hadn’t yet called to tell her abou
t Mags and now that funeral arrangements had been made, I knew she would want to know.

  “Addy,” she exclaimed before I could even say hello. “How did it go? Does your family love Christopher? What am I saying, of course they do! After all, he is a doctor. They must be ecstatic.”

  “Hey, Ruby. I have some unexpected news.” I took a deep breath. “Mags passed away yesterday morning.”

  There was silence on the other end, not something I was used to when it came to my best friend.

  “Mags?” Ruby finally said. I could hear the shock in her voice. “Oh my God. What happened?”

  “We think she had a heart attack while she was asleep.” The words sounded foreign coming out of my mouth. “I’m just glad she didn’t suffer.”

  “I am so sorry, Addy,” she said, slowly. “I know how close you were. How are you holding up?”

  I paused to gather my thoughts. “I’m okay, I guess. Her funeral is tomorrow, and there’s a lot I’d like to get done so Gramps and my parents don’t have to worry about it.”

  “God, I just . . . I don’t even know what to say. This was the last thing I ever expected.” I heard Ruby take a deep breath. “At least Christopher is there with you. I’m happy you have someone not as close to the situation to lean on.”

  “Christopher’s not here,” I said, trying to sound casual.

  “He’s not there? What do you mean he’s not there? I thought you two were together to announce your engagement.”

  I let out a quiet sigh. “We did. He left yesterday afternoon to go back to Atlanta. He has a patient who’s not doing very well.”

  Silence built on the other end of the phone. Finally, Ruby answered. Her voice was slow and measured, but I could hear the disbelief in her tone. “What do you mean, he left for Atlanta? Wasn’t there anyone else taking over for him?”

  “Yes.” I felt my nerve endings prickle. “There was another doctor on call, but he was the patient’s primary caregiver. He felt he should be there.”

  “You mean to tell me he left you alone on the day your grandmother died? I just can’t believe that, Addy. Are you okay with this?”

  I hesitated, not expecting the question. “Of course I’m okay with it. What choice do I have? He’s a doctor.” I sounded more convincing than I felt, but I wasn’t in the mood to get into it with Ruby, not yet anyway. Not when there was so much to get done. The last thing I needed was for a big, black cloud of doubt to hang over my head when I had other things to concentrate on. “It’s okay, Ruby. Really it is. I’ll get through this.”

  “When did you say the funeral was?”

  “Tomorrow,” I repeated, shifting my weight on the bed. My head felt heavy with exhaustion.

  “Then I’ll be there this afternoon. Just give me some time to tie up loose ends.”

  “Ruby, it’s not necessary. I’m fine.”

  “The hell it’s not necessary! You need someone there with you, and if Christopher isn’t going to step up and do his job, then I will.”

  “He is doing his job, that’s why he left,” I said with a sigh, but inside I felt a rush of relief.

  “Forget it. I know you, Addy. You always act so strong. Mags meant a lot to you, and I know you couldn’t possibly be as together as you sound. It’s going on nine o’clock now, I’ll be there by one. No way am I going to let you go through this alone.”

  I thanked her and hung up the phone. Now that Ruby was coming to my rescue, I began to feel better.

  Lying back in my bed, I stared at the ceiling, my thoughts traveling over my list of things to do. I’d gotten most of the pictures together the night before. I just needed to finish and go through Mags’s CD collection. The funeral had to honor Mags’s memory and memorialize who she was in life.

  More than anything, I wanted to recreate what it felt like to be in my grandparents’ home. To take everyone away from the starched upholstery and sterile disinfectant of the funeral home and make it seem as if they had just walked into the warmth of my grandparents’ kitchen. And I didn’t just want to have memories you could see, I wanted memories you could smell. Decorating the funeral home with candles seemed like a good way to start—especially ones that reminded guests of her cooking, like maybe pumpkin or apple pie. Having Ruby here would be a good thing. Not only for me but for Mags, too. If anyone knew how to throw a party, it was my best friend.

  I pushed my hands through my hair before calling Christopher again. This time, he picked up right away. “Addy, I’m so sorry I missed your call. How are you?”

  “Better, I guess. I’ll be busy today with everything that needs to be done for the funeral. The showing is tomorrow. Gramps only wanted it to be one day, so the burial will be on Wednesday. When do you think you can make it back?”

  The line was quiet, and I thought we’d lost the connection. I sat up in bed. “Christopher, are you there?”

  “Uh—sorry, I’m here.”

  “When do you think you’ll be able to get here?” I asked again. Suddenly, my stomach felt queasy and I suspected I already knew the answer.

  “I’m sorry, Addy. Mrs. Davenport’s still not doing well. She has a collapsed lung now. We’re having a chest tube inserted today. She’s pretty nervous about it, and so is her family. I’ve been at the hospital all night. I don’t think I’ll be able to get away.”

  I sat in stunned silence as I let his words sink in. All at once, my mother’s words from the night before came rushing back to me. “If you decide to marry Christopher, chances are it won’t be like the marriages you’ve seen growing up.”

  “Addy, did you hear me?” Christopher asked.

  “Yes, I heard you.”

  “I’m really sorry. I hope you understand.”

  “I do understand. This is your job. I’m not going to fault you for that.”

  He breathed a sigh of relief. “I’m glad you get it. Look, I have to get going. I stopped home to eat and shower, now I need to head back. How about I pick you up on Thursday? Will that give you enough time?”

  The pain I felt suddenly made me flinch. I hadn’t realized I’d been biting my lip. “I think so. I need to go, too. I have a lot to get done.”

  I stood up from the bed and reached into my luggage, grabbing shorts and a shirt. I searched the floor for the boots I had kicked off the night before.

  “Thanks again for understanding, Addy. I love you.”

  But I didn’t answer, I’d already hung up. And he didn’t call back.

  * * *

  When Ruby arrived that afternoon, I met her out front, anxious for a hug. I needed to feel something familiar and comfortable, something that would help me feel normal in a world that had suddenly turned upside down.

  She wrapped me in a tight embrace, the scent of her perfume surrounding me. “Look at you! You look so different! I miss those waves,” she said, touching the soft curves of my hair. “And those boots! I can’t believe you still have them.” Ruby’s eyes moved enviously across the red leather. “I always wanted them, you know that? I was so mad you found them before me!” She stood tall and lean, her long blond hair pulled into a loose ponytail. Her eyes met mine and she gave me a sympathetic smile. “How are you?”

  We began to walk toward the porch. “I’m doing okay—busy. There’s so much to get done. Will you help me put things together? I’d love for this to feel like a celebration of life and not make it any more depressing than it already is.”

  “Of course I’ll help you,” Ruby said, snaking her arm around my waist. She laid her head on my shoulder. “What did you have in mind?”

  When we got to the porch, we turned and sat on the steps. “I want it to feel happy, like a party. I want to focus on the things that made us happy, not the things that are making us sad. And it has to feel authentic, not forced. Do you know what I mean? Mags deserves something fun and personal.” I turned to her, tucking back a stray strand of hair.

  Ruby nodded slowly, her gaze shifting over the farm. “I know exactly what you mean. I was doi
ng some thinking on the drive, since you said you wanted to put it together. I figured you’d want help. I remember the fiftieth wedding anniversary you threw . . .” she said, her voice trailing off, and a smile tugging at the corner of her lips.

  I laughed. “Don’t remind me.”

  Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Ruby studying me. “How are you really?” she finally asked, reaching over and placing her hand over mine.

  I shrugged. “It sucks. This came out of the blue. I think it’s always harder to lose someone when you don’t see it coming.” I smiled ruefully. “I’m just glad I was here when it happened.”

  Ruby took a deep breath and let it out slowly, moving her eyebrows into a high arch. “Yeah, that was some timing. It’s still so hard to believe, you know?” She shook her head and pushed back the wispy bangs that swept across her forehead. “I called my parents. They wanted me to pass on their condolences. They’ll be at the showing tomorrow and wanted to know if there’s anything they can do to help.”

  “Just show up. My family will appreciate all the support they can get.”

  “And what about you?” she asked, her brown eyes alive with concern.

  My brows crinkled. “I’d appreciate the support, too.”

  “No, I mean, what’s going on? With you and Christopher? Is he going to be here?”

  Leaning back, I drew in a ragged breath. “Nope. He’s staying in Atlanta.”

  Ruby’s eyes widened in shock. “You’ve got to be kidding me! He couldn’t get away for half a day?” She shook her head. I could tell she wanted to say more but stopped herself. Instead, she changed the subject. “How’s your family handling this?”

  I lifted one shoulder. “Oh, you know. They’re a mess. Mags was our foundation. I’m not sure how they’re going to cope without her.”

  “How are you coping?”

  I turned and stared at her. “I already said I’m fine.”

  “I know that’s what you said, but is that really true?” She studied me, her eyes squinting in the sun. “Have you even let yourself cry?”