Strawberry Wine

by Darly Jamison

  “I think she knew every single person in this town. And she didn’t just know them, she knew them. I mean, really knew them. She paid attention to details and remembered important dates like birthdays and anniversaries. She made everyone feel special. And she welcomed her friends into her home as if they were family—because to Mags, everyone was family. She had such a positive influence on the lives of those who knew her, and that’s never been more obvious to me than it has been over these past couple of days. Listening to your stories about my grandmother has brought many smiles to my face, even though inside my heart is breaking.” I glanced at Nell sitting with the choir and she gave me a wink, encouraging me to go on.

  I looked at Gramps, his eyes damp with tears, and I gave him a smile. “Growing up, Gramps would always tell me that my grandmother was the best thing that ever happened to him. And for the longest time I thought he meant because she made the best fried chicken this side of the Blue Ridge Mountains.” I paused and smiled. “Eventually, over time, I came to realize he was talking about so much more than just that.

  “Mags was an extremely patient woman. She was never one to get angry. In fact, I can only recall one time in my life she was legitimately upset with me. I must have been around ten years old and I let my best friend Ruby convince me that Mags’s prize strawberry shrubs needed replanting. And oh boy, did we do a number on them—remember that, Ruby?” I asked, looking at my friend. Ruby laughed through her tears and nodded. “I could tell Mags was really mad, but even then she didn’t yell or scream. She just gave me the look.”

  I stood up a little straighter so everyone could see and tried to recreate it. I hardened my eyes while my lips pulled at the corners.

  A burst of laughter filled the congregation, and I giggled for a minute, too, lost in the memory, then regained my composure and continued on. “She gave me the look and said, ‘What in the good Lord’s name is the matter with you, Addy?’” The audience laughed again, a little louder this time.

  I shrugged my shoulders, my eyes moving to the open casket. “I’m sorry, Mags, I still have no idea what I was thinking. Thanks for that, Ruby,” I murmured, looking back at my friend. Her grin grew wider and she blew me a kiss.

  My gaze fell back onto Mags, and my smile slowly faded. “After I found out that Mags had passed, it took a while for me to be all right with it, if that’s what you want to call it. Actually, those aren’t the correct words at all.” I looked back at the crowd. “I’m not all right with it, I don’t know if I ever will be. But I know she’ll be all right. And I know our grief today is for ourselves because Mags is in a good place. God has a plan . . . even if we don’t understand it. He loves us. He doesn’t like to see us in pain. But that doesn’t mean life will always be easy. Every day we are faced with challenges, and we all go through difficult times when the world seems unfair. I’ve been trying these past few days to figure out what Mags would say right now. What little piece of insight she would pass along if she were here, and I think I’ve come up with it. I think she would say, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Grief is as unique as the person experiencing it. Life is unpredictable, and part of life is continuing forward even though you have no idea where you’ll end up. Appreciate the times when everything feels beautiful, but remember there is no guarantee how long that will last. Accept that plans change and change can be scary, but it’s how we grow. It’s how we move forward. There are things that happen beyond our control and our path will shift in ways we never expected. Embrace it. Find the lesson and learn from it. Alter the world as you move through it and let your wake be felt by everyone who surrounds you. That’s what Mags did. She created waves of kindness and compassion. And we are all better because of it.”

  My eyes swept over Mags, lying so still. My grandmother. My best friend. The one person in the whole world who really understood me . . . was gone.

  I inhaled a sharp, ragged breath as my chest squeezed uncomfortably, and a tight knot of pain formed in my throat. Grief slipped around me like a heavy cloak. Suddenly, I felt weak. My knees buckled slightly as my body fought to maintain control. Somewhere in my heart it was the end of the world. Tears rushed to my eyes and I let out a cry.

  Somehow in the haze, I saw my parents stand from their seats, a deep concern carved into their faces. And then there were arms around me, strong and comforting, supporting my weight. The sound of muffled cries resonated throughout the church, but I was unable to see anything as my gaze blurred with tears. I closed my eyes against the sudden burn, when a silky voice made its way through the fog. “It’s okay, I’ve got you.”

  Startled, I pulled my head back and looked up.

  Jake.

  His eyes were thick with emotion and his breaths came out in long, even exhales. Leaning into his chest, I allowed myself to collapse. We stood there for a moment as hundreds of eyes watched.

  When my sobs finally subsided, I drew in a deep breath and straightened, attempting to stand tall. My eyes flickered over the congregation and I spoke once again into the microphone, my voice unsteady. “My family and I would like to thank you for coming out today. For helping us celebrate the life of one truly amazing woman—the most amazing woman I have ever known. A woman who was always there for us whenever we needed her. Maybe if we learn to lean on each other now, the way we leaned on her, perhaps she won’t feel so far away.” I bowed my head as fresh tears surfaced.

  Turning away from the podium, I allowed Jake to lead me down the steps and toward the seats next to my family. As we passed Mags in the casket I stopped suddenly and turned to face her. “I’m going to miss you so much,” I whispered. “I love you.” I pressed my lips to my fingers, then softly touched them to the side of her face.

  My parents made room as Jake and I slid into the pew, and I was barely aware when they each came forward to give me a hug. The pastor returned to the podium and began to pray, each member of the congregation bowing their head. After the prayer ended, I stole a quick peek at Jake out of the corner of my eye. The muscles in his jaw flexed, but his gaze remained steady on the pastor as he spoke.

  And then it was time. Each aisle slowly released as they filtered past Mags, paying their final respects.

  I felt Jake’s hand planted at the base of my back, warm and steady as he ushered me forward. When she came into view, my breath felt as if it wanted to punch out my lungs, but I hung on to it tightly, not wanting to make another scene. As I walked up to her with Jake by my side, I felt an odd calmness settle over me. This would be the final time I would ever see Mags before the casket was closed. Gingerly, I reached for her hand and gave her a smile.

  A gentle touch made its way up my back, rubbing the center in long, smooth strokes. When I turned to Jake he was smiling, too.

  We returned to our seats and watched as Gramps and his children lowered the lid to the casket, closing away the image of Mags forever. My eyes shut as I thought about how there would be no new memories, only the ones I already had left, and I would have to find a way to be okay with that.

  The sun poked its way through thick gray clouds and humidity was thick in the air as the funeral service progressed to the cemetery outside. Yet no matter how warm it was, the smoldering Georgia temperature couldn’t chase away the chill I felt inside my chest. The sound of soft whimpers floated across the breeze as we watched the casket being lowered into the ground. I held tightly on to my parents’ hands as it sank lower, away from our view.

  As the graveside service drew to a close, my gaze landed on Ruby and she nodded toward the cemented path nearby. During our funeral planning, we decided we wanted to surprise the guests with something special, something to commemorate the event with a unique perspective. It felt like a good idea to end the service on a positive note, and it was something we thought Mags would appreciate. I followed her nod and discovered several church members wheeling large carts our way, each tier holding dozens of sky lanterns, enough for every person in attendance to send one off.

  A wav
e of pleasant surprise made its way through the crowd as each person stepped forward to claim their lantern. With smiling faces, they helped each other light the lanterns, each one depicting Mags’s name and the year she was born and the year she passed.

  Mom came up behind me and circled her arms around my waist. “This is an amazing idea, Addy. Such a beautiful way to honor your grandmother.”

  I turned and gave her a hug. “I’m glad you like it. I hope they like it, too,” I said, my gaze shifting to where my father and grandfather stood. They were laughing softly as Gramps held a lantern for Dad to light.

  “They love it,” she said quietly. “And I love you. Your eulogy was very special, absolutely beautiful.”

  I laughed and looked down. “Which part? When I couldn’t even read the words on my paper or the part where I broke down like a crybaby?”

  Mom curled her fingers underneath my chin and forced me to look up. “Every part. The whole thing. It was perfect.”

  I drew my arms around her neck and held her close until Ruby came by with our lanterns. “Ladies, there will be plenty of time later for hugging. Right now we have a wish to send up.” She smiled brightly as she handed us our fragile lamps.

  Once every lamp was lit, we released them together, watching the way they filled the afternoon sky, illuminating it against the dark gray of the clouds.

  After watching for a while, the crowd began to filter back inside the church and into the hall where the luncheon was being held. Jake kept me in his line of sight the entire time, and I kept him in mine as he made his way through the tangle of people, allowing his aunt and uncle to introduce him to all their friends. My breath caught at one point when I saw him and Ruby talking, and I held it, hoping she wouldn’t expose our previous conversations.

  “What are you doing?” someone asked from behind me.

  Startled, I jumped and turned around. “Dad, you scared me!”

  He chuckled softly and folded his arms around me. “Thank you for all of your hard work. You have no idea how much we appreciate it.”

  “I think I do,” I said quietly, planting a kiss on his cheek.

  When we stepped back, I noticed him staring at Jake from across the room. “I wasn’t expecting to see him here.”

  I took a deep breath and followed his gaze. “Neither was I.”

  He was quiet for a moment as he turned back to study me. “What a way to stir things up for you, huh?”

  Wait. What? “I’m not sure I know what you mean,” I responded, my eyebrows hitching in confusion.

  Dad smiled. “I’ve seen the way you two have been watching each other, and I know how much you cared about him before.”

  “Daddy,” I said, completely embarrassed I’d been caught. “That was a long time ago. We’re adults now, and I’m engaged.”

  His gaze flickered back to Jake. “I know. It’s just kind of nice how he postponed his trip back to Houston until tomorrow, don’t you think? He’d be on the road right now if he hadn’t.”

  I shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the other. “It’s very nice.” The irony hadn’t escaped me. At the first sign of distress, Christopher had made a run right back to Atlanta, while Jake had extended his stay because he thought I needed a friend.

  Dad turned and looked back at me, his eyes holding mine. “When you were younger, I always tried to give you advice, tried to help you make the right choices. But you’re an adult now, and a mighty fine one at that. And I’m not always going to be around when you need to hear certain things.” He stepped forward, his face inching closer to mine. “Just because you make a decision does not mean you can’t make another one. Only you know what is best for you. Anyone can come into your life and tell you how much they love you, but it takes someone really special to show how much they care.”

  A flash of heat rushed across my cheeks. Was he saying what I thought he was saying? My feelings and thoughts twisted into one giant mess. It felt like everyone was giving me advice about Jake, even when I didn’t ask for it.

  Biting the side of my cheek, I turned and watched Jake, the way he moved through the crowd, the way he stopped and listened when people spoke, the purpose in his stance. Every nerve ending in my body tightened, and for one long moment I could barely breathe.

  Feeling the weight of my gaze, Jake turned, his eyes catching mine, and his lips curved into a smile. It was impossible not to stare as he made his way toward me, through the thick crowd gathered at the hall. When he reached my side, my lips parted but no words came out. His grin grew wider.

  “It was a very nice service,” Jake said, turning to my father. “Maggie would have loved it. Especially the sky lanterns. That was a nice touch.”

  “That was all Addy’s doing,” Dad said, motioning toward me. “She put together an amazing celebration.”

  I looked down momentarily as a blush covered my cheeks. “Ruby helped with a lot of it. After all, she is a master party planner. I’m sure she’ll expect my firstborn,” I teased, not knowing what else to say.

  When I looked up, both Jake and my father were staring at me. My gaze flickered from one face to the other, then finally at the wall. Well, this wasn’t awkward at all.

  “I was wondering if I could borrow Addison for the day?” I heard Jake ask. “Unless you have plans for her?”

  I swallowed hard and looked back at them. A slow smile spread across my father’s face as his gaze swept toward me. “As far as I know, she’s free.”

  Something deep and warm stirred in Jake’s eyes. “What do you say? Would you like to spend the day with me?”

  My chest rose sharply as my pulse kicked into high gear. I was just thankful he was even talking to me after last night! “Um . . . Yes, of course.”

  “Let me just say good-bye to a few people and I’ll meet up with you afterward.”

  Nodding my head, I expelled a long breath and watched as he walked away. A moment later, I felt a soft touch on the side of my arm. Dad’s eyes were on me, scrutinizing the expression on my face. “You okay?” he finally asked.

  I forced a smile, hoping my lips weren’t trembling like my insides were. “I’m good.”

  A second passed before he spoke again. “Addy,” he began softly. “It’s better to know and be disappointed than to never know and always wonder. Go. Have fun. Be young.” We stared at one another, gray eyes on gray eyes. I didn’t know what to say to that. There were no words. “Just make sure you say good-bye to your mother and grandfather first.”

  My lips twitched slightly. I leaned in and gave him a hug. “I love you, Daddy.”

  “I love you, baby girl.”

  Stepping back, I grasped his hands in mine. “I am so lucky you’re mine,” I said to him, repeating what he’d told me time and time again when I was young.

  A smile spread across his face. “I second that.”

  Grabbing my clutch, I wandered through the crowd saying my good-byes, my thoughts drifting to what had happened the night before, remembering what it felt like to have Jake’s lips on my mine. The world seemed to stop spinning. And as wrong as this was, for some reason it felt so right.

  Tomorrow we would both be leaving Lakeside and it would be over. But I was determined to enjoy today. Two old friends, hanging out like old times. Well, not exactly like old times. And suddenly I couldn’t breathe.

  But I didn’t care.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  The soles of our boots scuffed against the blacktop as we walked, and I could feel the weight of Jake’s eyes as he watched me.

  “Nice boots,” he observed as we made our way through the packed parking lot toward his shiny black truck. His lips curled into a mischievous smirk. “I always did like them. Thought they were pretty damn sexy. I’m surprised you still have them.”

  I let out a quiet laugh. “I found them buried in the back of my closet the other day. My mama hated them, and I think she still does. You should have seen the look on her face when she saw I was wearing them.”

&nbs
p; “I can imagine.” Jake flashed me his dimple. “I think you look amazing.”

  “Thank you,” I said, a smile tugging at my lips. Somehow I knew he’d be pleased when he saw them, remembering how much he’d liked them before. Not that I had dressed for him or anything. No way.

  We were quiet as he opened the passenger door of the truck, letting me slide into the cab first. When he made his way around to the driver’s side, he took off his jacket, dress shirt, and tie, laid them in the backseat, then slipped on the cowboy hat I’d seen the day before. His muscles moved smoothly against the restraints of his cotton T-shirt and I turned away, trying not to look. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear this was Jake from ten years ago, all hot and tanned and Texan in his soft brown Stetson. The way he wore that hat sent my pulse into a tailspin, jarring feelings of desire from so long ago.

  “You did a great job today. I mean it,” he said softly, looking at me sideways. He eased the truck onto the road and hung a sharp right. “Maggie would have been proud.”

  Swallowing hard, I looked down and fiddled with the clutch in my lap. “Thank you. And thanks for . . . helping me out earlier.” I turned to face him, my throat starting to burn as I drifted back to the moment. “I really made a fool of myself up there.”

  Jake’s eyes were soft as they met mine. “No, you did a fantastic job. Your words were heartfelt and passionate. Your love for her was obvious, everyone could see it. That’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

  Turning away, I stared out the front window, quiet for a long while. “I’m sorry about last night,” I finally said. “It was inappropriate. I shouldn’t have attacked you like that. I don’t know what came over me.” Oh, God! Did I seriously just say that? Nice choice of words.

  “Attacked me?” he asked with a smirk.