The Little Cottage in the Country

by Lottie Phillips

  ‘I’ve got this?’ Anna held up the cocktail dress. ‘Or, to play it safe, this…’ She picked up the tartan dress.

  ‘Jesus, Anna. You wear that and people will think you’ve come as Maid sodding Marian.’

  ‘Well, this is too short.’ She indicated the cocktail dress. ‘And other than that, I’ve got jeans and a ski suit.’

  Diane sat heavily on her bed, sending the pile of clothes towards the middle. ‘Yep, definitely, the dress. That is hot.’

  ‘I don’t think men at the Rose and Crown in Trumpsey Blazey are necessarily looking for…’

  ‘You have no idea what the men in Trumpsey Blazey are looking for,’ Diane pointed out, glugging back an alarming amount of her drink. ‘Have some and then you might actually relax and realise you’re gorgeous.’

  Anna took the glass reluctantly and swigged. ‘My children need to be bathed and their mother is trying to choose an outfit that doesn’t scream slut while she downs what tastes like pure rum.’

  ‘It’s got a dash of coke in it. Anyway, they’ll respect you for it.’ Diane looked at her in earnest.

  When a knock sounded at the front door, Anna handed the bottle back to Diane, flushing with guilt.

  ‘Ah, Linda has arrived.’

  ‘Joy,’ Anna said.

  ‘I’ll keep her happy.’ Diane skipped out of the room, drink in hand, and Anna waited for her mother’s presence to be made known to the entire village and beyond.

  ‘Dee-Dee,’ came the booming voice that was her mother’s. ‘Cocktails! How wonderful.’ She paused. ‘I’m so glad you phoned!’

  Diane’s voice, by comparison, was surprisingly soft and Anna sighed, heading in to the twins. They were growing sleepy and she undressed them and soon had them submerged in bubbles. She watched as a full-blown attack took place whereby Freddie’s Transformers head-dunked Antonia’s My Little Ponies.

  ‘OK, you two, Grandma’s here. You’re going to be good for Grandma, aren’t you?’ She just hoped Grandma would be good for them.

  Anna plucked them out of the bath and wrapped them each in huge, freshly laundered bath sheets before hugging the sweet-smelling, damp, fluffy cocoons that were now her children. ‘I love you both and…’ Sometimes this happened and it was always when she was least expecting it; her heart wrung with sadness at the lack of a father figure in their lives. She wondered if they would grow up resenting her for not chasing after Simon; and if she was, in fact, enough for them.

  ‘Mummy, you’re crying,’ Freddie said, wiping a tear from her cheek.

  ‘You silly bean,’ Antonia said and hugged her, setting Anna off again.

  ‘Mummy,’ Freddie said, earnestly, ‘how long we stay in this home?’

  ‘Well,’ she paused, looking into his big blue eyes, ‘for as long as we can.’ She thought about Horatio’s words regarding the house and how much she had risked moving here. Irritation fizzled in the pit of her stomach. She wouldn’t just give the cottage up. She couldn’t. Her heart twisted at the thought of having to go back to London already. She needed it to work. She needed her children to be happy. ‘Do you like it here?’

  He appeared to be thinking deeply. ‘I just want to play with friends.’

  Anna nodded, a fresh tide of guilt sweeping over her. ‘Yes, and you’ll both make lots of new friends at your new school.’ She smiled encouragingly. ‘And they can come and play here whenever you like. OK?’

  ‘OK,’ he said and they both nodded.

  ‘Annnnnnaaaaaaaaaa.’

  The moment was broken by her mother singing her name and she took the children into her room, found their favourite PJs and dressed them.

  ‘You go down and see Grandma, OK?’

  They nodded and walked to the top of the stairs, sitting down on their bottoms so they could slither safely to the ground floor. The stairs were steep and Anna had decided this would be the best option.

  ‘My dearest children,’ her mother called to them, ‘you’ll get dirty botties.’

  ‘Mum.’ Anna crouched down at the top of the landing, so she could be seen by her mother, and smiled. ‘Hi.’

  ‘Bananna.’ Her father’s nickname for her growing up had stuck with her mother, despite the fact it had to be pronounced funnily because ‘banana’ didn’t even rhyme with her actual name. ‘Why are your children coming down the stairs like strange, snake-like things?’

  ‘Because I told them it was safer. There’s no rail and, until I get one put in, I don’t want them falling down.’

  ‘It’s unhygienic,’ her mother announced.

  ‘We cleaned today.’

  Luckily, Diane arrived and broke up the impending argument on stair hygiene and safety by offering Linda a cup of tea.

  ‘Only if you put a wee bit of that in it.’ Linda swept off in the direction of the kitchen. ‘My stepsister always had a strange affection for this place. Never could see it myself.’

  Diane flashed Anna an apologetic look. ‘I’ll set up a DVD on my laptop for the kids.’

  Anna headed back to her bedroom and grabbed the far-too-short black dress, slipping into it. With no full-length mirror, she had no way of checking on her appearance before she quickly brushed her hair out, applied some mascara and lip gloss and headed down the stairs.

  Diane let out a low wolf-whistle and nodded approvingly; her mother, however, gave her that look, the one that said I did not bring you up to dress like a tart, and sipped her tea. Anna thought she might have got away with it when her mother opened her mouth and said, ‘I think you’d suit the tartan dress I gave you better.’

  ‘Right.’ Anna ignored her. ‘So what do you think you might play with the children?’

  ‘Ah, I thought we could watch Sex and the City reruns.’

  ‘Uh, Mum…’ Anna started panicking. ‘They’re not really old enough to be watching them. Just yet.’ She thought of Mr Big and the drinking and the talk about… ‘No, Mum, you can’t.’

  Her mother pouted. ‘Fine.’

  Diane whisked Anna towards the door, clearly sensing an imminent crisis. They put on their coats and Anna blew the twins kisses before stepping out into the October chill.

  ‘You know, I’m not sure this is such a good idea.’ Anna looked back at the closed front door. ‘I mean, Mum, she’s a bit off with the fairies.’

  Diane linked arms with Anna, propelling her forward. ‘How old is she again?’

  ‘Sixty.’

  ‘Wow. She’s very…’

  ‘Full-on? Sexual? Bonkers?’ Anna shrugged. ‘Your choice.

  ‘All of the above.’

  In heels, the walk to the pub was a good fifteen minutes longer than they had anticipated. Half an hour later, with feet that suggested frostbite and jaws truly locked into place, they breathed an audible sigh of relief at the light streaming from the pub window.

  Anna had a quick look inside and, as yet, it appeared no one else had arrived. ‘It’s very quiet,’ she said, trying to hide her relief. They could just have a quick drink and head home.

  ‘Yeah, but it’ll fill up. Come on.’ Diane dragged her inside.

  They tottered through the door and looked around. The pub was decked out in oak panelling, photos of Trumpsey Blazey through the ages adorned the walls, and a roaring fire brought welcome warmth to the women. However, one thing was missing: punters.

  A balding man with a stomach that met them first came through a door on the other side and waddled up to the bar.

  ‘Can I help you?’

  Diane started, ‘Yeah, we, um, thought there was some sort of event here tonight. Only, there’s no one here.’

  ‘Wrong,’ the man said. ‘I’m here and, if you look past the beam, here’s Nigel.’

  Anna and Diane swayed, in sync, to have a closer look and, sure enough, an old man sat at the bar, staring into the depths of his bitter.

  ‘Right,’ Anna waded in. ‘It’s just that we booked our places for the speed-dating event.’

  ‘Speed dating? Here?’

/>   ‘Yes,’ Diane said, indignant, ‘I booked our places on the phone. I spoke to someone called Chris. He’s waiting for us. We’re journalists.’

  ‘You’ve got the wrong Rose and Crown. I think you must’ve rang Little Bury.’ He burst into laughter, his paunch moving up and down, his excess flesh having a field day and his plethoric face flushing with amusement. ‘Anyway, it’s no problem,’ he winked. ‘I can think of plenty of guys who’d like to chat to you pretty ladies.’ He headed out back momentarily before returning to the bar. ‘Can I get you a drink?’

  Diane nodded. ‘Might as well, seeing as we’re here now.’

  ‘What’ll you be having?’ The landlord readied himself.

  Diane spoke on their behalf. ‘We’ll have a bottle of dry white. Sorry, I didn’t catch your name?’

  ‘John.’ He bent down to the undercounter fridge.

  She smiled at him and indicated Anna. ‘Seeing as Anna, here, didn’t even want to come out, and now I’ve dragged her to the wrong pub, the least I can do is buy a bottle.’

  Anna was relieved in actual fact. ‘No, it’s fine.’

  Anna pulled her dress down as it steadily rode further up her thighs like a piece of unruly clingfilm. Soon they were ensconced at a table in the corner, by the fire, and Anna almost forgot why they had come in the first place. She felt herself relaxing and her limbs thawing. Diane sat facing the door, her eyes darting towards it every time she heard any notion of a sound outside.

  ‘What are you doing?’

  ‘Don’t want to miss any hot totty.’

  ‘Can’t imagine, that’s going to happen,’ Anna said, scanning the empty pub, her eyes resting on Nigel sinking his third pint.

  ‘Hope there aren’t, like, loads of good-looking women around here. Hate competition.’

  Anna smiled. ‘There won’t be because said good-looking women will have been snapped up by all the good-looking men, leaving us with…’

  ‘Oh, come on. A girl’s gotta dream…’

  Diane didn’t get to finish her sentence because the pub door flew open and in marched a group of six or so men, all good-looking, all exuding youth and testosterone. Diane breathed in excitedly. ‘I’ll be damned if heaven hasn’t just walked through that door.’

  Anna had to admit the pub suddenly looked like the set for a men’s outdoor clothing ad, and she thought the evening might prove to be more exciting than she had first imagined. But just as quickly as she had conjured up this new, positive way of thinking, in walked Horatio. He spotted her and came over, that same irritating, self-satisfied smirk on his face.

  ‘Hi,’ he said to Anna and then introduced himself to Diane. ‘I’m Horatio. We haven’t met.’

  Diane, in full flirting mode, fluttered her eyelashes and shook his hand. ‘Diane. Anna’s bestie.’

  ‘Bestie?’ he said.

  Diane smiled sweetly. ‘Yeah, you know, best friend.’

  ‘Ah, silly me.’ He looked at Diane and then his eyes ran the length of Anna’s body. ‘You both look wonderful. Going somewhere special?’

  This is what he does, Anna thought. This is his way of making everyone around him feel about two inches tall. He knew they were on the pull, and yet he liked to watch women squirm.

  Diane, missing this subtlety, fondled her necklace and announced, ‘We were here for the speed dating.’

  ‘Ah, the speed dating. Up there with potato planting, heh, Anna?’ She scowled. ‘I didn’t know there was speed dating here.’

  ‘There’s not,’ Diane said, grinning. ‘John says it’s at the other Rose and Crown, in Little Bury.’ She paused and slapped her own hand. ‘My bad.’

  ‘Oh?’ Horatio looked mildly amused. ‘But why should two such beautiful women need to go speed dating?’

  ‘Because,’ Diane explained, ‘if you can believe it, we’re not taken.’

  ‘More fool my species.’ Horatio nodded. ‘Lovely to see you both and hope you have a good evening.’ He met Anna’s eye. ‘I’m sorry about what I said to you… About the house… I’m looking into it as soon as I can find the papers. But I’m sure you’re quite right and I’ll do everything I can to ensure you keep it, despite your reservations about staying there.’

  ‘I did not have reservations,’ she lied.

  ‘Well, your car driving itself into the chicken hut wasn’t a great start for anyone.’

  Diane looked at her and snorted. ‘Really?’

  ‘No, what’s not a nice start is being told you don’t own the house you’ve moved to, despite having seen the evidence that your aunt left it to you.’

  ‘Oh,’ Diane breathed as she realised who exactly Horatio was. ‘You’re that man.’

  ‘Have a nice evening, Mr Horatio.’

  He opened his mouth and shut it again before moving off.

  ‘Are you sure he’s so bad because he seems quite luverly,’ Diane gushed. ‘I mean, really nice.’

  ‘He’s a twerp.’

  ‘Oh, come on. He said he’s sorry and even if he thinks he owns the house, let him.’ Diane fluttered her eyelashes. ‘Bet he’s loaded.’

  ‘Well, for a start, don’t get too excited because he’s married.’ Diane’s smile faded. ‘Second, he’s supercilious, has about a million names and owns a horse called Taittinger.’

  ‘Anything good?’

  ‘Yeah, you’re right, he’s loaded. Lives up at Ridley Manor.’ Anna leant in. ‘Also, he’s a Spencerville. You know, my aunt warned me about them, in her letter. Well, he’s one of them. Would explain why he thinks he owns my house.’

  ‘Well, he seemed nice enough, but yeah, sure, that would rile me too.’ She frowned. ‘I’m going to get us another bottle.’

  ‘But we’ve barely started this one.’

  ‘I know, but I need an excuse to find out who the chocolate-box selection of men are.’

  Anna watched Diane totter up to the bar. ‘John…’ She spoke as if she was a regular. ‘Can we get another bottle?’

  He beamed. ‘Sure thing.’ He gestured to the men. ‘And here are the men.’

  ‘I can see that,’ Diane purred. ‘But, tell me, who are these delightful creatures?’

  ‘I rang Tom at the back there to round them up.’ He smiled. ‘They’re here for you.’

  ‘Right,’ Diane nodded, ‘just us two women and these six guys? That could be, um, awkward.’ Then she quickly changed her mind. ‘Fun.’

  ‘John phoned us to fill in,’ piped up the shorter one at the front.

  ‘We do not need your charity. Thank you very much.’ Anna came up behind Diane, her fists twitching with anger. ‘Come on, Dee, let’s go. I don’t need to be patronised. We’re both better than that.’

  ‘I’d say,’ agreed the young man at the back.

  Anna caught Horatio’s eye. He was sitting at the far end of the bar, nursing a glass of red and laughing. He was always laughing at her. ‘Come on, Dee, I don’t have time for this.’

  ‘Aw, come on, John wasn’t trying to be funny. I’m Tom, by the way.’ The tallest of the group thrust his hand forward and Anna obligingly shook it. ‘Let’s all just have a few drinks. No harm in that, is there?’

  John had gone pink. ‘Sorry, I thought you’d like that, ladies.’

  Anna sighed and smiled. ‘It was a nice thought.’

  ‘Look,’ John said, ‘to make amends, first round is on the house.’

  They ordered their drinks and then all piled into one of the booths. Anna and Diane sat opposite each other and, as they grew increasingly tipsy, Anna was no longer sure if she was nudging her friend’s leg to get Diane’s attention, or if she was playing footsy with one of the men.

  Diane had taken a real liking to the youngest.

  ‘Twenty-three, you say,’ Diane said, moving her face closer to the man on her left. ‘Your name’s Larry? Wonderful,’ she gushed as if he had just told her he performed surgery on the poor up desolate mountains. ‘I love the name Larry.’

  Anna, meanwhile, chatted to Lee, a farmhan
d on Richard’s farm. However, while she was desperate to get more information on Richard, Lee was more interested in passing on all his knowledge about marmosets.

  ‘What? As in the monkey?’ She laughed. ‘That’s your passion?’

  ‘Yeah, love ‘em.’

  ‘Right, well, does Richard talk to you about marmosets?’ She would discuss anything with Richard and even marmosets appealed.

  ‘No, he doesn’t get it.’

  That was the first thing Richard and Anna had in common. She imagined Lee delivering a speech at their wedding. ‘Richard and Anna often laughed at my love of marmosets and I’d like to think that’s what drove them together.’

  Anna, by now, was feeling very giddy with wine and the heat from the fire, let alone the presence of six males. She had gone from trying to remember what a man sounded like and smelt like to testosterone overload. Lee brought over another drink and she giggled. ‘Thank you.’ She slapped her hands on the table. ‘OK, everyone, I’ve got a really good joke.’

  Diane grinned. ‘Oh, here we go.’

  ‘What do you get if you cross a monkey and a dog?’ She paused for effect. ‘A marmosetter!’

  They laughed heartily, especially Lee, who took it as a sign that she was hitting on him and grabbed her hand. She looked towards the door and saw Horatio leaving. He shot her a look of what she presumed was disgust as he pushed the door to and made his way outside. Anna pushed down the sudden surge of irritation she felt. What a ridiculous man. Her aunt had warned her about the Spencervilles and she was beginning to understand her qualms. She hated to be made to feel stupid and, somehow, he made her ever so flustered.

  She needed to get some air and, getting up, made her way past Diane and Larry discussing heavy metal, explaining to Lee she would be back in a minute. He was forced to let go of her hand. Anna pushed the door, grateful for the cold wind on her face. She stood like that, a few metres from the door, her eyes closed and inhaling deeply. She knew she should head back home and check her mother hadn’t totally polluted the children’s minds or, hope beyond hope, that she had actually put them to bed at a sensible time.

  The sound of soft chatter off to her right made her open her eyes and she squinted into the darkness. The only light came from the pub and the one street lamp on the corner. She couldn’t mistake it, though, and, despite the drink, she knew she wasn’t making it up.