The Little Cottage in the Country

by Lottie Phillips

  ‘I’m thinking, less fun, more…’ Anna stopped to choose a word. ‘Hell?’

  Diane gasped. ‘Anna Compton, that’s not very supportive. I was there for you when Simon did a runner. I changed the twins’ nappies, didn’t I?’

  Anna gave it a second’s thought. ‘No.’

  ‘OK, well, I fed them, didn’t I?’

  ‘You put food in front of them.’

  ‘Right, I definitely bathed them. I remember.’

  Anna nodded. ‘Yep, me too. You nearly drowned them.’

  ‘OK, well, you’re choosing to see all the bad stuff. I’m choosing to remember the good parts.’

  ‘Hmmm. Does that include the time you taught the twins, aged three, to headbang and they head-butted each other? Does that include the time you decided a lentil puree with chili would be the best food option and I spent the next couple of days changing their nappies every five minutes?’

  ‘Whatever.’ Diane slumped her shoulders.

  ‘Listen, Dee…’ Anna brought her into a hug. ‘The point is that I’m here for you no matter what. Who knows, maybe Larry will be thrilled and become the man Simon never was. Just because he’s young, doesn’t mean he’s going to run.’ She squeezed Diane’s shoulder. ‘Anyway, he clearly adores you. The poor man has been hit hard by the Dee-bug.’

  Diane sniffled. ‘He’s only human.’

  ‘Exactly. So, let’s go and buy this test and then we’ll know for sure and we’ll go from there.’

  They got out of the car and fought their way past the tide of tweed jackets, set hair and breeches. Diane picked up a basket. ‘I want to cover it up with something else,’ she explained, promptly picking up chocolate and a bottle of wine.

  ‘You can’t drink that if you’re pregnant.’

  ‘Really?’ Diane said. ‘I thought that was some sort of misogynistic myth made up by men.’

  ‘Um, no, definitely all true.’

  ‘Crikey, how did you do it?’

  ‘I ate more.’

  ‘Oh yeah,’ Diane said, swinging her basket. ‘Your mum said the other day how you ate like a horse when you were preggers. She says you never really lost that weight.’

  Anna looked down at her body and tugged her long sweater further over her hips. They found the tests and Anna picked one up. ‘I’d use this one. It can tell you earlier than most of them.’

  ‘Why’s it got a security box around it?’

  ‘To make the whole experience even more excruciating.’ Anna nodded. ‘There is some sadistic god somewhere who puts security tags and boxes on anything that might cause embarrassment, I’m sure of it.’

  They walked to the ‘basket only’ queue and Diane placed it next to the woman, who smiled and started to scan the items.

  ‘There are bags just there,’ the woman said.

  She scanned the chocolate, followed by the wine. Lastly, she picked up the pregnancy test and looked at Anna and Diane before flashing them an all-knowing smile.

  Diane scowled. ‘It’s not for us.’

  ‘Right,’ the assistant said, struggling to get the box off the pregnancy test, before pressing a button under her counter, causing the light above them to turn red. ‘Just need to get my manager to take the box off.’

  ‘Oh God,’ Diane muttered. ‘Is that totally necessary?’ She gave Anna a look of desperation and walked off towards the toilet.

  ‘Diane,’ Anna hissed at her, but she had already gone.

  ‘Doesn’t seem to want to come off.’ The assistant looked around her and then caught the eye of a man in a suit on the other side of the store. She held the box up and gave it a little wiggle in the air. Anna looked at the assistant, then at Diane, before catching sight of Horatio standing in the adjacent queue. His gaze rested on her, moved to the box flying high above her head, and back to his own trolley.

  Anna wanted to run over and explain. He would, undoubtedly, return to Ridley Manor and tell his mother, where they would sit and drink tea made by Alfred, talking about his kind-of-cousin’s loose morals.

  The manager made his way over and flashed an apologetic smile. ‘Sorry, madam.’

  Anna paid and walked to the car where she found Diane slouched in the seat.

  ‘Anna, that was so embarrassing,’ she said as Anna opened the driver’s door, ‘I thought I was going to die.’

  ‘You actually didn’t have to go through anything. You left me to deal with it and guess who was in a queue, not far from me?’

  Diane shrugged.

  ‘Horatio.’

  ‘Oh, well, better he thinks it’s yours than mine.’ Diane looked relieved.

  ‘How do you figure that?’ Anna thrust the bag into Diane’s lap.

  ‘Well, you guys are, like, kind-of-cousins so it doesn’t matter what he thinks. But if he thought it was me, he’d go and talk to someone and somehow it would get back to Larry.’

  ‘Um, Dee,’ Anna said, ‘you are going to have to tell him yourself at some point.’

  ‘Yeah, but I need a bit of time to get my head around it, so I figure, what better way than a night in with my bestie and a bottle of wine? I mean, a giant bar of chocolate.’

  Anna nodded and started up the car. ‘Sure thing.’ She pulled out and made her way past the entrance to the store as Horatio emerged, pushing his trolley, face thunderous, towards his Range Rover. Diane, to Anna’s dismay, rolled down her window and shouted out to him.

  ‘Horatio, the pregnancy test was for Anna. She’s only gone and got a bun in the oven again.’

  Anna put her foot on the accelerator, causing the car and Diane to lurch forward as Diane retracted her head.

  ‘What the hell are you doing?’ Anna said, her face reddening.

  Diane looked at her in amazement. ‘God, no need to be such a stress-pot.’

  ‘You just announced to the world that I’m pregnant.’

  ‘No, just to Horatio,’ Diane pointed out.

  ‘You hollered out the window.’

  Anna drove fast towards the main road.

  ‘I know why you’re getting all het up.’ Diane smiled. ‘Because you care what Horatio thinks.’

  ‘Why would I care what he thinks?’ Anna concentrated on the road, her hands tight on the steering wheel.

  ‘Because you fancy him.’

  ‘Dee, we’ve been here before. No, I definitely don’t fancy my kind-of-cousin.’

  ‘I know it’s the truth.’ Diane sat back and started to sing under her breath, ‘Anna and Horatio sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes…’

  ‘Stop.’ Anna put her hand up. ‘Please. I think we should just forget about it.’ Diane pressed her lips firmly shut and made a zipping motion to indicate she wouldn’t talk again. ‘Good. Now, let’s just concentrate on you. After all, that’s why we went out to get you a pregnancy test, isn’t it?’

  Diane remained unspeaking, pointing to her pursed lips.

  ‘Just speak, Dee.’ When Diane didn’t, she looked at her. ‘Please?’

  ‘And I’m back,’ Diane said, smiling. ‘Anyway, look, don’t be angry. No one’s going to have heard me, anyway.’

  ‘Except Horatio,’ Anna pointed out.

  ‘Except him.’

  Ten minutes later, Anna drove up to the house and they climbed out of the car. Her mother came bounding down the drive. ‘Anna, I’ve just had Rosie on the phone.’ She looked confused. ‘You’re pregnant?’

  An hour later, Anna and her mother sat facing each other at the kitchen table, clutching glasses of wine and waiting for Diane’s news.

  ‘I genuinely thought it was you,’ her mother said.

  ‘How could it be?’

  ‘Well, Rosie was convinced. She said she heard Diane announce it loudly outside Waitrose.’

  Anna shook her head. ‘Can you do anything privately around here?’

  ‘Well, darling, you can’t go blaming our Rosie if you will talk about your private affairs outside a supermarket. Apparently, she was talking to her friend, Esmerelda,
about how organic the Waitrose organic range really is and she hears Diane talking about you having a bun in the oven.’

  ‘There are so many things wrong with that sentence, I don’t know where to begin.’

  ‘Well, Rosie then tells me she saw that Horatio chap speed off, out of the car park, in a right mood. She told me he nearly flattened a Jack Russell because he was in such a temper.’ She looked over her glass at Anna. ‘So then I’m thinking, have Horatio and Anna been, you know, behind all of our backs?’

  Anna let out a long-drawn-out breath. ‘No, is the simple answer.’

  Diane came into the kitchen, smiling.

  ‘So, you’re not?’ Anna said.

  ‘No, sweetie, I very much am. Strongest line I’ve ever seen. Look.’ She whipped out the pregnancy stick and they both admired the pink line. ‘Am I glowing yet?’ Diane clutched her stomach. ‘At what point do you glow, Anna, because actually I feel really rough.’

  ‘Not for a while yet,’ Anna said, getting up to give her a hug.

  ‘Anna didn’t glow so much as grow,’ her mother announced, also rising to give Diane a suffocating hug. ‘How lovely. When are you going to tell lucky Larry?’

  ‘I already have.’ Diane held up her mobile. ‘Not sure he totally got what I was saying because the reception’s crap up there.’

  ‘What did you say and what did he say?’ Anna said, putting the kettle on.

  ‘I said, “Larry, sweetie, I have something to tell you.” And he said, “Yo, Dee, what’s up?” I said, “You won’t believe it but there may be three of us in nine months’ time.”’

  ‘Crikey, that’s quite full-on,’ said Anna. ‘So then he says what?’

  ‘He says something like, “Awesome. I’ve always fancied trying that.”’

  ‘So, he thinks you’ve just offered him a threesome in nine months’ time?’ Anna tried to hide her smile.

  ‘Oh, do you think that’s what he thought I meant? I thought the nine months bit would be a clue.’

  ‘Maybe, darling Dee,’ her mother said, laughing, ‘he hasn’t had that lesson.’ She smoothed her shirt lapel. ‘He’s a baby himself.’

  The Talent Show

  Diane waited a couple of days before inviting Larry over. She wanted to tell him, to his face, that what he could expect in nine months did not involve the kind of toys he might have initially imagined. Anna and her mother offered to go out and give them some privacy but Diane was adamant they should be there.

  ‘You have to be here.’ Diane looked at her tummy. ‘I mean, what if he takes it really badly and I’m all alone?’

  Anna nodded, knowing full well what that felt like. ‘Don’t worry. We’ll be here. Mum and I will stay in the kitchen, out of your way until you need us.’

  There was a knock at the door and Anna and her mother rushed off to the kitchen, leaving Diane to greet Larry. She’d clearly decided she would prefer to tell him on the doorstep because the door closed and their voices grew muffled. Anna started to make tea, but the waiting game proved too much for her mother, who poured herself a brandy.

  ‘Do you think he’s going to do a runner like your Simon?’

  ‘I hope not, for Diane’s sake, but she’ll be fine either way.’

  ‘I know we never really spoke about it but I think the way you handled it all was wonderful.’

  Anna looked up, wondering if she had heard right. ‘Really?’

  ‘Yes.’ Her mother paused, looking at the table. ‘I know I can be an old witch sometimes and I probably should be a bit nicer to you, but there you go, I’ve said it now. Yes, I really admired the way you kept going.’

  ‘Gosh, thanks, Mum.’ She smiled to herself. ‘That means a lot to me.’

  ‘That’s not to say I think all of your parenting has been spot-on.’

  ‘Of course,’ Anna said, allowing normality to resume.

  Diane burst into the kitchen holding Larry’s hand. ‘We’re engaged!’

  ‘What?’ Anna said, dropping the teaspoon onto the counter. ‘Engaged?’

  ‘Yeah, I just explained to Larry that we’re not going to have a threesome, but, instead, we’re having a baby. Then he says…’ She drew breath, too excited to speak. ‘You tell them what you said, Larry.’

  Larry smiled, pushing his hand through his dreadlock-free hair. ‘I said something like, “That’s flipping A. Let’s go to Vegas and get married.”’

  ‘I then point out that we’re broke and he says we should just head to a registry office and do the deed.’ Diane’s eyes glistened. ‘We’re going to be like a proper little family.’

  Anna rushed over and hugged them both. ‘That’s amazing. I’m genuinely made up for you both. Have you set a date? I mean obviously you’ve only had, like, two minutes to discuss it but…’

  ‘As soon as possible,’ Larry said, putting his arm around her shoulders. ‘What are we waiting for?’

  Diane shrugged and flashed Anna a goofy grin. ‘The girl done good.’

  Anna smiled. ‘Yeah, the girl done good.’

  ‘I’ll have to see if I can’t get Tony down the aisle too,’ her mother said.

  Anna turned quickly. ‘What? You want to marry Tony?’

  ‘Why not?’ She drank the remainder of her brandy. ‘There’s life in the old dog yet.’

  ‘Mum,’ Anna said, sitting, ‘I know, but you’re actually thinking about marrying again? Really?’

  ‘Darling, I was talking about Tony. He’s the old dog whereas I’m just getting started.’

  ‘God,’ Anna said, now pouring herself a large brandy. ‘Am I the only one here with no sign of a love life?’

  No one spoke.

  Two days later, Anna couldn’t believe she was allowing herself to be fitted out in a white and gold, skin-tight jumpsuit and blonde wig. Diane was fussing around her feet, ensuring the flares fell neatly over her gold heels.

  ‘Where, dare I ask, do you even find stuff like this?’

  ‘Linda found this place in Cheltenham. It’s a dream.’

  ‘Of sorts,’ Anna said, scratching at her hairline. ‘This thing is so itchy, and look…’ She pointed to her costume. ‘I can’t go onstage wearing something this tight. It’s almost indecent.’

  ‘Sexy is what it is, my friend.’ Diane stood, suddenly a foot shorter than Anna as she was wearing jazz shoes and a Freddie Mercury costume.

  ‘Remind me again why you’re wearing a Queen costume when we’re singing “Dancing Queen”? Won’t that just confuse everyone?’

  Diane grinned. ‘Because when I saw it I realised I could fulfil one of the many things on my bucket list.’

  ‘To dress up like Freddie Mercury?’

  ‘To become Freddie Mercury. There’s a massive difference.’

  ‘How are you going to do that singing Abba?’ Anna sat down, kicking off the heels already threatening to cut the blood flow to her legs.

  ‘I’ve got a little something up my sleeve. Or should I say, Larry and I have a little something up our sleeves?’

  ‘Oh God.’ Anna rubbed her feet. ‘Rosie was so right to be ill.’

  ‘I think it’s genuine,’ said Diane. ‘She sounded devastated on the phone.’

  ‘I bet she thought her world was going to end,’ Anna said drily.

  Freddie and Antonia ran into the kitchen and broke into giggles.

  ‘This is what I want to be when I’m bigger,’ Freddie said pointing at Diane. ‘Auntie Dee-Dee said I could because my name’s the same.’

  Freddie Mercury’s history flashed through Anna’s mind and she smiled. ‘Or you could be a vet. Or a doctor?’ she said hopefully.

  ‘No, wanna be a rock star and die early.’

  Anna looked at Diane who cocked her head on one side and said, ‘You can’t crush a kid’s dream.’

  ‘Do you want to be like me, Toni?’ Anna said.

  ‘No, you look silly.’ She skipped from the room, Freddie following close behind before Anna heard Antonia scream.

  Anna rushed, bare
foot, from the kitchen and found the twins curled up on the floor laughing.

  ‘Grandma Linda.’ Antonia pointed and Anna looked up the stairs to find her mother dressed in white, knee-high boots, a white dress that came to her knees, and a white cloak with fur wrapped around her shoulders. Her hair had been backcombed within an inch of its life and stood up and out at all angles.

  ‘Grandma Linda put her finger in the socket,’ said Freddie through his giggles, setting Antonia off again.

  ‘Right,’ her mother said, shooting the twins a hard stare, ‘are we ready?’

  Anna helped the twins up and solemnly held her hand across her heart. ‘I, your mother, Anna Compton, do solemnly swear that this will be the last time I dress up as a member of Abba and I swear I will try to sing at least one note in tune.’

  Minutes later, the twins had piled into Diane’s car and Anna was leading the convoy to the school. She found the reflection of a female Freddie Mercury in her rear-view mirror disconcerting, but no more so than her sixty-year-old mother, by her side, puckering her lips and admiring herself in a handheld mirror.

  They arrived at the school gates and Anna noticed that the saner parents had decided just to watch the show and not participate. Anna climbed out of the car, all too aware of the looks she was getting from women and men perfectly kitted out in Joules and Boden. Angela spotted Anna and came over in a few long-legged strides.

  ‘Amy, you look divine. What are you? No, don’t tell me… A clown? No, actually, I think you’re that man out of that bank ad…’ She watched Anna’s face. ‘No? Oh, go on then, tell me.’

  ‘We’re meant to be Abba.’ Anna gestured to her mother and Diane. ‘Only, the fourth member is ill.’

  ‘How splendid.’ Angela flicked her straight red hair to the left and then to the right, and then back to the left. ‘I didn’t know Charlie Chaplin was in Abba.’ She looked at Diane. ‘You learn something new every day.’ She turned on her heels. ‘Anyway, must be off as I’m introducing Lucinda’s dressage. She prepared a few words for me.’

  Anna watched her lope towards the school gates and they followed suit. Mrs Beecham stood at the entrance to the hall greeting everybody and, on seeing Anna, smiled and waved.