by E. L. Todd
Ten
Charlotte
That month was so painful.
The most pain I’d ever felt.
With every passing week, it became clearer that Neil and his crew weren’t coming home. If they were able to repair the communications system, they would have done it by now. NASA made their statement to the world, moving the Mars mission to deactivated.
The crew were classified as deceased.
Neil Crimson was deceased.
I’d spent the month crying, looking at my son with tears pouring from my eyes. My son was the last piece of Neil left in this world, and I was so grateful he was here. Neil’s legacy would live on.
Neil’s funeral was lovely. Thousands of people came, including the president. Everyone laid flowers on his empty grave. Jane and the kids came to pay their respects. I sobbed like a widow who had lost her husband too soon.
Now, it was a month later, and I’d stopped crying. Accepting his death would never be easy, not when he was too young to die. But knowing he wasn’t in this world anymore made me realize I really had to move on.
He was never coming back.
Having his son had made me feel guilty, made me think I should wait for Neil to come home just in case he did change his mind about having a wife and kids. I never really let Kyle in because I didn’t want to break his heart somewhere down the road. Even when a year had passed, a little piece of my heart still belonged to Neil Crimson.
But now that he was dead…I had to let go.
I sat on the couch with Kingston on the floor. He’d been playing with his toys but quickly dozed off. With his plastic keys still clutched in his hand, he slept, his chest slowly rising and falling with his deep breaths.
I watched him, thinking about the day when he would be old enough to know who his real father was. I’d put my necklace inside my nightstand because I couldn’t wear it anymore. One day, I would give it to Kingston, a souvenir of his father’s trip.
Kyle sat beside me, his arm over the back of the couch so he could lightly play with my hair. After that kiss we shared, he hadn’t tried to make anything happen with me. When the news about Neil’s death broke, he gave me all the space I needed.
Now, he watched me, concern in his eyes. “You alright?”
I nodded. “It’s just been a rough month, you know?”
“Yeah, I can only imagine.”
Neil didn’t deserve to die. He deserved to live a long and happy life. I wished things had been different for him.
“Just remember this was what he wanted. Regardless of the risk and the outcome, that’s what he wanted. He died doing what he loved, and even if he’d known exactly when he was going to die, he would have done it anyway. He would have given up his life in exchange for getting the chance to see Mars in person.”
Sometimes that made me feel better because it was true. It was tragic, but Neil wanted it. He wouldn’t want me to be sad. He wouldn’t want anyone to feel sad. He would want us to respect his memory by cherishing his accomplishments, not thinking about his lonely death at the far reaches of our solar system. “There’s something I want to talk to you about…”
“I’m all ears.”
“In light of what’s happened, I’m going to tell Vic and Stacy the truth.”
Kyle watched me, controlling his reaction so he seemed indifferent to my confession.
“Now that Neil is gone and he’s never coming back, I think they should know. It might make them feel better knowing there’s still a piece of Neil here. You can still be his father. We don’t have to tell Kingston the truth until he’s much older.”
“Do you regret not telling Neil the truth?”
“No.” That would have made everything worse. “Neil would have felt terrible knowing he abandoned his son on Earth. It would have made dying that much harder. It would have made him feel like he was repeating history, just the way his father died when he was young.”
Kyle nodded slightly.
“Is that okay with you?”
“Yes…I think it’s appropriate.”
“If this changes the way you feel—”
“It doesn’t. Whether the world knows the truth or they don’t, I still want to be in his life. I enjoy taking care of him, I enjoy loving him like a son even though he isn’t mine. He’s a great kid, Char. I love him with all my heart.”
It was the first time I’d smiled in a month. “Thank you.”
I sat on the couch with Kingston in my arms, keeping him wrapped in a blanket as I cradled him close to my body. Victor was almost two now, so he was toddling all over the place, picking up toys and playing quietly.
Stacy set appetizers on the table and handed Vic a beer. “What should we watch? Obviously, the only thing we can watch now are kids movies…unfortunately.” She rolled her eyes then opened her Netflix account. “What about Moana? That’s a great one.”
“Actually, there’s something I wanted to talk to you about. Let’s skip the movie tonight.”
Stacy lowered the remote. “Oh my god. Are you pregnant again? Or engaged? I don’t see a ring, and I know Kyle wouldn’t propose without one.”
“No…it’s nothing like that.”
“Okay,” Vic said. “Everything alright?”
“Yeah. I just have something to tell you guys.” I looked at Kingston in my arms, who was already drifting off because he loved to nap. He was an easy baby to take care of because he went to sleep easily. And when he was awake, he was happy to play with his toys or snuggle in my arms.
“This is getting ominous,” Stacy said. “What is it?”
“It’s just going to come as a shock…” They might be upset with me for not being honest about it in the first place. Maybe they would have been more involved with Kingston if they’d known, even though they saw him all the time. “Kingston’s father isn’t Kyle. It’s Neil…”
Vic was stiff in shock.
Stacy’s jaw dropped like a weight. “Oh my fucking god. You knew this and didn’t tell us?”
“Neil told me he didn’t want to have kids, so I thought it was best to keep it quiet. But now that… You know… I just thought you should know.” Neil’s career wasn’t his only legacy. This beautiful boy was also an achievement.
Vic tilted his head down, taking a moment to digest it.
“Does Kyle know the truth?” Stacy asked.
“Of course. It was his idea to pretend to be the father.” And it was also his idea to be honest about Kingston’s paternity.
“Jesus…” Vic raised his gaze and stared at the baby in my arms. “I don’t know how to feel about this. I guess I’m angry you lied to us, but since Neil is gone…I’m so fucking happy. I’m happy he’s still with us.”
“Me too.” Stacy’s eyes watered.
I carried Kingston to the couch between them.
Vic looked down into his face. “He has Neil’s eyes. How did I not notice that before?”
Stacy grabbed his small foot and gave it a squeeze. “I’m your aunt, honey. I was always your aunt, but now I’m your aunt by blood.” She leaned down and gave him kisses on the stomach.
“I’m always here if you need anything,” Vic said. “But even more so now. Kyle is a good guy for stepping up like that. I like knowing he’ll be around.”
“Yeah, Kyle is amazing.” He’d been my rock through the whole thing, holding my hand at the funeral and being the friend I needed this entire time.
“So, are you and Kyle really together?” Stacy asked. “Did you really hook up after Neil left?”
“No. We’ve just been friends.” Kyle had been devoted to me for an entire year, waiting for the chance to be something more. He’d stopped seeing other women because he’d rather keep waiting.
“This whole time?” Stacy asked incredulously. “He’s been a father to your kid, and you’ve just been friends?”
“When I was pregnant with Kingston, it felt weird to be with someone else, you know? And then after I had him, I was recovering and getting back into shap
e. And even then, I felt strange moving on because I kept hoping that if I waited, Neil would come home and want to be a family. But now that’s gone…I guess I’m ready to move on.” Now that there was no possibility we would ever be a family again, it really was time to move forward.
“Wow…” Stacy stared at me in surprise. “I had no idea how much you loved that guy.”
Vic turned away, his eyes averted to the corner.
“I did,” I said. “I really did… But it doesn’t matter anymore. He’s gone, and Kingston and I have to move on.”
“I’m not trying to tell you what to do, but please give Kyle a chance,” Stacy said. “That guy loves you. He’s sexy. He’s… What more do you want?”
“No, I think I will,” I said. “I think I’m finally ready to give it a chance. I didn’t want to use him because I was depressed. I only wanted to be with him if I was really ready. And I think that time has come.”
“Good,” Stacy said. “Don’t feel guilty for being happy. The three of you should be happy. That’s exactly what Neil would want if he knew…”
“Yeah.” Vic turned back to us. “That’s exactly what he would want.”
Eleven
Neil
Our mission was to establish shelter and survival parameters for future missions. We used all our robots to lay down the foundation in the dirt and begin construction of the walls and pumping system. Mars had all the resources for habitation—we just had to work for it.
There was water deep underground, we just had to create deep wells to access it, and we had plenty of hydrogen and oxygen in the atmosphere to create fuel. Our mission was important because it facilitated the convenience of later missions.
I still cared about our goals and kept up the enthusiasm of the crew, but deep inside, I was miserable.
Fucking miserable.
I left Earth and didn’t tell the woman I loved that I loved her. I hoped Vic had told her now that he thought I was dead. Better yet, I never should have left. I should have stayed where I belonged. I had contributed to the program with all my missions to the moon and the space station. I’d paid my dues.
I should be home.
But I was here…so fucking far away.
I sat in front of my computer in my room, my bed and photo wall behind me. We each had our own room, only big enough for a cot and a desk. We shared one bathroom. But at least it gave us a bit of privacy, which was necessary on a trip of this duration.
When I sent video messages to my family, I never made one for Charlotte even though I’d told her I would. It was just too hard, to talk to her and act like leaving her wasn’t the biggest mistake of my life. I’d never wanted marriage and kids until I met her, and now I wished I’d stayed home and given her those things.
Because now I wanted it more than anything in the world.
Staying home every night and making dinner was boring compared to the things I’d done in life. But it was a different kind of adventure, a relationship that brought me happiness. Now I’d give anything for the beautiful mediocrity. The thrill of traveling to a distant planet didn’t compare to the excitement I shared with her every night.
I fucking blew it.
Even if I made it back to Earth, she’d be over me.
She wouldn’t love me anymore.
If she were married, it would be wrong of me to fight for her. I lost my chance, and I’d have to respect her husband. But hopefully she wasn’t married. Hopefully, she was single…but I doubted a woman like her would be single for long.
I opened the camera and recorded a message to Charlotte. Our system was down, so she’d never see it, not unless we returned to Earth and I manually pulled it from the drive. Unless the system magically started to work again and the message got through, she would never know I’d made it.
Recording the message was just for me.
The timer started when the recording began. I leaned my face down into my hands and sighed before I straightened and looked at the camera. “Charlotte, you’ll never see this, but I wanted to say it anyway…to confess my sins and admit my regrets. Coming here was stupid. You never asked me not to go because you’ve always been supportive, but I wish you had asked me to stay. Getting here gave me a high like I’ve never known, but it was short-lived. It only made me realize how happy you made me every single day. I miss the simple things, like making dinner, watching TV on the couch, taking Torpedo on a walk… I miss everything. I miss my family, I miss you. I thought doing this was the most important thing in my life, but now I realize I left behind the most important thing in my life. I should have married you. I should have made a family with you.” My hands came together and rested against my lips as I sat in front of the camera, staring at myself on my computer screen. Tears welled into my eyes when I thought about my brother and all the pain he must have endured, the fact that my nephew may never see me again, the fact that the woman I loved thought I was dead. I lowered my hands and sniffed. “I love you, Charlotte. If I ever see you again, I’ll make sure that I tell you that.”
Twelve
Charlotte
“Thanks for watching Kingston for me. One baby is a lot to handle, but two? It’s got to be chaos in here.” I placed him in the crib and set the bag of diapers and toys on the couch.
“It’s fine. Taking care of two babies isn’t much different from taking care of one.”
I rolled my eyes. “I appreciate you saying that, even though you’re full of shit. I’ll pick him up at ten.”
“How about we have a sleepover instead?” Stacy said. “Kingston goes down without a fight. He’s such an easy baby. Victor is a handful because he’s just like his asshole father.”
“Thanks for the offer, but I’ll come and get him.”
She grabbed me by the wrist. “Girl, you need to get laid. I’ll watch the baby, alright? Go have a good time.”
“I feel like a terrible mother having you watch him so I can go out with a guy.”
“You have to do you too,” she said. “And it’s not just some guy. It’s Kyle.” She looked me up and down. “You look like dynamite in that dress, by the way.”
My lips softened into a smile. “Thanks, girl.”
“Now, go out and have a good time. I’m keeping your son hostage until tomorrow morning.”
I got into my truck and drove to Kyle’s house. I called him on the way and put him on speakerphone.
“Hey.” His deep voice filled my small truck, serious but slightly playful at the same time. “How’s it going?”
“Good. Do you have plans tonight?”
“No. Was going to see if you wanted me to pick up dinner for you guys.”
I liked the way he always included Kingston, like we really were a family of three. “Actually, I wanted to know if you wanted to go out.”
“I don’t know… Going out with a newborn is never fun.”
“I meant just us.”
He was quiet for a bit.
“I wanted to see if you wanted to have dinner with me…” I turned right and drove down the quiet neighborhood street toward his house.
His smile was audible in his voice. “Are you picking me up for a date?”
“Yeah…if you’re willing.”
“Sweetheart, I’ve been willing a long time. I’ll see you soon.”
He opened the door before I even made it to the doormat. He was in a gray t-shirt with an unbuttoned collared shirt over the top, his clothes showing the large muscles of his body underneath. He’d shaved his jaw, so it was smooth, just a hint of a shadow underneath. He smiled slightly when he looked at me, his eyes full of affection. “Where are the flowers and candy?”
“Shit, this is starting off as a bad date, huh?”
“A bit. You’ll have to step it up.”
“Alright, I’ll try.” I smiled as I looked at him, no longer feeling guilty about my emotions. Now, it could just be us, probably what it should have been all along.
He locked the door behind him, and to
gether, we walked to my truck. “Are you going to drive me and everything?”
“Yeah. I’ll pick you up and bring you home like a gentleman…or gentlewoman.”
“Sexy.”
I started the car and switched gears to get onto the road. I’d been driving this old truck for a long time, and it was time for an upgrade. It wasn’t ideal for a baby, and it certainly wouldn’t be ideal when I had another. “What are you in the mood for?”
“You know me. I’m not picky.” He rested his arm on the windowsill and behaved like everything was the same, like we were still two friends spending time together. Even if this was a date, he didn’t try to rush things.
“Italian?”
“Great idea.”
We went to an Italian restaurant and took a seat. He helped me into the chair before he sat across from me. While holding his menu and looking at it, he paid me a compliment. “You look beautiful in that dress.”
“Thanks. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to fit into it again.”
“I think you look even better than you did before.”
It was a sweet compliment, but one I couldn’t believe. “I don’t know about that…I’ve got stretch marks and scars.”
“I think that’s sexy.” He shut the menu and left it on the table. “You gave birth to another human. Pretty badass.”
“I don’t know about that. Women do it every day.”
“Exactly. And it’s a big deal. Don’t be ashamed of your scars, and if a guy has a problem with them, he can fuck off.”
“Then it’s a good thing you don’t have a problem with it. Otherwise, I’d have to tell you to fuck off.”
He smiled. “That’d be pretty sexy, actually.”
“Me yelling at you?”
“Yeah.”
The waiter came over, and we ordered our drinks. Kyle ordered a bottle of wine for us to share, even though he preferred beer. When we were alone together, he spent his time staring at me, holding my gaze like the intimacy didn’t make him uncomfortable at all. When we were just friends, he usually looked out the window or stared at his menu, but now that the situation was different, he was different. “Stacy watching Kingston?”