by E. L. Todd
I’d worked so hard to get here…now I just wanted to leave.
My father would be proud, to know that I made it this far, that I was the commander of the first mission to the red planet. But I also wondered what his advice would have been if he’d been able to give it.
Maybe he would have told me to stay home.
He lost his life tragically and unexpectedly, in the pursuit of knowledge. I always assumed that he died doing what he loved, that he would never change his decision even if he’d known what would happen.
Now, I wasn’t so sure.
Because stepping foot on Mars didn’t give me nearly as much satisfaction as hugging my brother. Seeing my nephew. Looking into the eyes of the woman I loved.
Hyde looked at me and spoke into the intercom, which was audible to everyone else in the ship over the transmission. “You okay, Neil?”
I turned to him. “Just taking a moment to think about what we did. We’re the first people to Mars…pretty incredible.”
He nodded. “Yeah…it is incredible.”
“And we’ll be the first to return to Earth.” I flipped the switches then pushed the lever in the center of the dash. “Here we go.”
We docked with our rocket and then headed into space, heading back to Earth on a different trajectory. A lot of equipment was purposely left behind on the surface of the planet because that was our intention, to begin the cultivation, to see what elements could be gathered. Leaving it behind gave our vessel significantly less mass, so traveling to Earth didn’t require as much fuel.
Once the ship was on course, there was nothing to do but wait.
We had lots of data to process, but it would be a long nine months until we were back to Earth…assuming we made it. By the time I returned to Earth, everything would be different. My brother wouldn’t look the same, Victor would be older, Charlotte might be married to Kyle. For me, nothing had changed, even if the length of time that passed was exactly the same.
But for them, nothing was the same.
Hyde and I sat together at the table, working and having dinner.
He stared ahead, his hands on his jaw, his body still.
I noticed his behavior, so I watched him, hoping he would give me an explanation. “You okay, man?”
He dragged his hands off his face then leaned back in the chair. “You think you made the right decision?”
“I think if we stayed on Mars, we would accept death…which is giving up. And I don’t give up.”
“I meant coming on this mission. We’re pioneers. If we survive, there will be a movie about this, actors playing us. We’re American heroes. But you know what? I don’t feel like a hero.”
I knew exactly how he felt.
“Jane always knew this was how it would be. You know, my job is dangerous, and there’re always risks. But…knowing she thinks I’m dead, that my kids think I’m dead… That’s… too heavy for me to carry.”
“We’re gonna get back, Hyde.” I wanted to see my family again, to have the chance to get Charlotte back, to see my nephew grow up, to attend my mother’s eventual funeral. But I also wanted Hyde to get back to his family because he loved his kids so much.
“What if we do…and Jane is remarried?”
“She won’t be.”
“But what if she’s seeing someone?”
“She’ll dump him the second she knows you’re alive, Hyde.” And I really didn’t think Jane would be with another man anyway, not for years.
“And I just hope there are no problems with my life insurance, you know? Since it can’t really be confirmed if I’m dead or not, they may not honor it, and she’s not getting my paychecks anymore…”
I didn’t even think of that. “Your family will step up if that happens.”
“Yeah, I’m sure they will.” He turned back to me. “You’re lucky you don’t have kids. I feel terrible for Jane, but I feel worse for them.”
“Yeah…”
“You seem to be handling everything pretty well.”
I was dying inside. I was the commander of this mission, and it was my job to be strong, to inspire them to keep going, not to give in to the tears I wanted to shed. It was nice to have Hyde there, but I couldn’t confess all my feelings, dump the weight of my grief onto him when he had his own grief to carry.
“If we make it back, what do you think you’ll do?”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“You gonna keep doing this?”
Whether I could get Charlotte back or not, my answer was firm. “I’ll retire from space flight. I promised my brother I would.”
He nodded. “Me too. I think we’ve paid our dues.”
“Definitely.”
“And Jane would never let me leave again—not after this.”
“Don’t blame her.”
“I thought seeing Mars would be worth it, but nothing is worth losing my kids…” He turned away. “I don’t want to seem ungrateful because being on this mission is such an honor. Truly. But I’m starting to realize that love is more important than honor, prestige, fame, money… It’s more important than everything. It’s strange…since love can’t be really be explained on a scientific level. But it’s stronger than everything else.”
“You’re right, Hyde. It is.”
“You think you’ll settle down and have some kids?”
There was one woman I wanted to be with, and if she still wanted me, I’d like those things. “Yeah. I think I will.”
He gave me a slight smile. “You’d be a good father, Neil.”
“I’d like to think so.”
“And so many women are gonna want your nuts when we get back…like you didn’t get enough offers as it was.”
Surviving this only to go back to my old ways made me feel just as lonely as I did now. “Remember Charlotte? That woman I was seeing before I left?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m kinda hoping she and I…could give it a try.”
He grinned. “I knew you liked her.”
“Yeah, I more than like her.”
His smile slowly faded.
“I love her.”
“Damn, I had no idea.”
“I didn’t tell her how I felt before I left…and now I wish I had. Or better yet—I hadn’t left at all. I’m afraid when I get back, it’ll be too late. She’ll be married to someone. Maybe have adopted a few kids. Maybe be completely over me…”
Hyde didn’t say anything because there was really nothing he could say. Charlotte and I weren’t married and I’d never given her any hope we could be, so there was no reason for her to wait, not to give someone else a chance…and fall in love. “What will you do if she is married?”
“Nothing.”
“So, you would just let her go?”
“If she’s in love and happy, I would never interfere with that.”
“Yeah, makes sense. But if she’s not?”
I shrugged. “I really don’t know. For all I know, she’s moved to a whole different state and I’d never see her anyway. I was stupid and never asked my brother how she was doing because it was too hard. I also told her I would send her videos, but I never did. From her perspective, she probably thought I forgot about her.”
“I’m sorry, man.”
“Yeah. Thanks.”
“But maybe…there’s still hope.”
I would love to get back to Earth and see her green eyes and beautiful smile. I’d love to see her in her denim shorts with her big dog. I’d love the chance to make things right, to start over and do it right. But I knew Earth wouldn’t be the same as it was when I left it. “We just need to focus on getting there first…and then we’ll see what happens.”
Sixteen
Charlotte
Six Months Later
“Happy Birthday to you…” I held up the phone and recorded Kingston in the high chair, watching him look at the little cupcake with the unlit candle sticking out. “Yay!” Everyone clapped their hands together.
Kingston eyed it with interest before plunging his fingers inside. He got frosting everywhere and then put them in his mouth.
Everyone took pictures.
“Aw, my baby is one.” I couldn’t hold back the tears, seeing how much he’d grown, how much he already looked like his father. A part of me was excited to tell him who his father was when he was old enough to hear it, that his father was a famous astronaut, a brilliant and smart man, and his grandfather had been one too.
Kyle sat beside him then dug his fingers into his own cupcake and ate it the same way. “I like your way, King.”
Kingston giggled then shoved his fingers into Kyle’s cupcake and ate some of the frosting.
Kyle did the same to him. “If you have mine, I’m gonna have yours.”
Stacy held Victor on her lap, her little belly noticeable in her dress because she had another baby on the way.
King wiped his fingers on Kyle’s face and smeared the white frosting everywhere.
Kyle closed his eyes then licked his lips. “Thanks, man.”
Kingston giggled. “Da-da…”
We all went still, hearing him say that word for the first time. He’d already called me Mom months ago, along with a few other words, being advanced like I expected him to be. But Da-da was a word he’d never said, probably because he wasn’t around Kyle as much as he was around me.
Kyle’s head snapped in my direction. “Please tell me you got that on camera.”
“Yes!” I continued to hold up the phone. “I got it!”
Kyle turned to Kingston. “Yes…Da-da.”
Stacy smiled as she squeezed Victor.
Vic smiled too, even though his late brother was actually the father. But they both seemed to recognize that we were a family…and they were really happy about it. Neil was never coming back, and Kyle was the perfect man to fill the role.
I wiped off Kingston’s hands and his face before I picked up a gift. “Now, it’s time for presents.”
“Mine first,” Neil’s mother said.
“This is from Grandma.” I pushed it toward him.
He slowly ripped through the paper, his eyes lifting to look at us, loving all the attention. He pulled the paper away until he revealed a toy rocket along with a NASA shirt. He didn’t seem to care about the shirt, but he immediately played with the rocket.
Kyle held up the shirt. “This is perfect.” It had a picture of the ship with Mars in the background. “Kingston will look perfect in this.” He never cared about Kingston’s parentage, never felt undermined when Neil was represented.
And Neil’s mother never cared that Kyle was the one being treated as the father.
It just worked for us.
I got better at not getting upset whenever Neil was mentioned. The NASA clothes didn’t make me sad. I was just happy that a part of Neil was still here, for all of us to enjoy. “I love it.” I took the shirt from him. “He’ll look adorable in this.”
Kingston kept playing with the rocket then started to chew on it.
I grabbed the next gift, and we moved through the pile, which had way more gifts than a one-year-old needed. Kyle’s family always spoiled him even more than Neil’s family. I was so grateful that they came together to make my son feel loved because I had no one on my side. But Kingston would always have family in different ways, always be surrounded by people who loved him.
When the party was over, we put Kingston down for a nap and cleaned up the house.
“I can’t believe he’s one,” Kyle said. “I feel like he was just born.”
“I know…” I sipped my margarita then continued to dump the plates into the trash can. “Then tomorrow he’ll be two…and I hear the twos are terrible.”
“With Kingston, I’m sure it’ll be fine.” He stored the leftover food and cake and put everything into the fridge.
I set the bag of garbage on the ground, about to take it into the garage once I made sure I had everything.
He leaned against the counter and looked at me. “I can’t believe he called me Da-da… That’s a moment I’ll never forget.”
“I know, it was so cute.” I smiled at him.
He watched me, the joy slowly fading from his eyes. “You doing okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. It was a great day.”
He continued to stare, like he didn’t believe. “Sweetheart, it’s okay to be sad sometimes. I don’t… I understand.”
He’d been so patient and understanding since the beginning, but as our relationship progressed, Neil’s ghost nearly disappeared. I’d made peace with his death. But sometimes, like today…it hurt. “I know you’re his father, and you’ll be enough for him. But sometimes I wish Kingston would have had the chance to know Neil…and not through the past.”
He nodded slightly.
“And I wish Neil knew he had a son. Maybe I should have told him.”
“Don’t dwell on what you can’t change, sweetheart.”
“I know. But maybe that would have made dying easier…”
“Or harder,” he whispered.
“Yeah…”
He moved toward me, his eyes remorseful. “You made the best decision at the time. He was the one who wanted to leave. He was the one who never wanted a family. He was always destined to be with the stars. One day, we’ll tell Kingston who his father was, and he’ll be proud. But for now…it’s okay that he’s not here.”
“I know.” I moved into his chest and hugged him.
He hugged me back and kissed me on the forehead.
“I don’t really think about Neil anymore. I’ve had to make peace with his death. I just hate that the past has repeated itself. Neil’s father didn’t live long enough to really even know Neil. And now Neil didn’t live long enough to know Kingston.” I pulled away and looked at him. “It’s just sad. But he has us…and that’s enough.”
He nodded. “And everyone else.”
“Yeah.”
“And he inherited Neil’s intelligence, which is nice. He never would have gotten that from me.” He smiled, trying to cheer me up.
I rolled my eyes. “Kyle, you’re very intelligent.”
“I’m mostly hot, and you know it.”
I chuckled. “You’re right about that.” My hands went to his hard chest and felt his strength.
He watched me for a while, his hands moving around my waist, his fingers underneath my shirt. “I’ve been thinking about something.”
“Yeah?”
“I stay here all the time, I’ve got my things in your drawer, and maybe we should make it more permanent…”
“Are you asking me to move in?”
He shrugged. “Maybe.”
There was no reason not to, but I honestly hadn’t really thought about it. We were happy the way things were, but it was odd that he lived elsewhere while we raised a baby together.
“But I’m kinda thinking a little bigger, you know. I could sell my house. You could sell yours. And maybe we could get a bigger place altogether. You know, maybe with some more square footage, a bigger backyard, more bedrooms…for more babies.”
“Wow, that’s quite a proposition.”
“I guess I just wanted to see how you felt about it first. Women usually drop some hints about what they want, but you haven’t dropped any.”
Because I hadn’t really thought about it. “Honestly, I’m really happy. I haven’t really thought about the future. Kingston takes up all my time. Never really considered having another.”
“Well, I’d like to…someday.”
“Yeah, me too.”
“So, are you open to the idea of us…moving forward?”
“Yeah. I am.” I wasn’t sure what he was asking exactly, but when I pictured my future, it was with him. There was no one else I wanted to be with.
A soft smile spread across his face. “Good…”
Kingston and Vic played on the floor together while Stacy and I sat on the couch.
“So, you guys haven’t t
alked about it since?” she asked.
“No. I’m not even sure what we actually talked about. I guess he wants to move in together.”
She shook her head. “I think he was trying to feel you out for something else.”
“What?”
“You really can’t figure it out?” she asked with a laugh. “I think he wants to ask you to marry him.”
My heart skipped a beat when I realized she was right.
“And he wanted to figure out what your answer would be.”
She nodded. “You guys have been seeing each other for six months.”
“That’s not very long.”
“But you’ve been friends for so long, and you’re raising this kid together… I don’t think traditional time frames apply.”
“Guess that’s true.”
“So, is that what you want?”
There was a tiny piece of me that thought of Neil, when that made no sense. It was probably because Kingston was his son, and I felt guilty for replacing him with a man who wasn’t his father. But Neil would want this, would be happy Kyle had stepped up when he couldn’t. There was no reason to feel guilty. “Yes…of course.”
“Then I think it’s coming.”
“How would you and Vic feel about that?”
“Happy. Why wouldn’t we be?”
Did I really need to say?
“Kyle is a great father. We love him for Kingston. And he doesn’t have any problems with the fact that Neil is his father, which is great. He’s not weird about it, which is important. Girl, you deserve to be happy. Kyle is the perfect package…and he has a perfect package.”
I chuckled.
“And you’re happy, right? You seem happy.”
“Very.”
“Then this is the happily ever after you deserve. That’s so sexy, having a man who loves a kid that’s not even his.”
“True.” It was really sexy.
“And he probably wants to have more babies.”
“He does.”
“I think it’s great. And I can speak for everyone else too.” She wrapped her arms around my shoulders and squeezed me. “Kyle is the perfect man for you. I’m so happy that you guys are gonna be together forever, having more babies, living close by, raising our kids together. It’s just….so perfect.”