by E. L. Todd
Stacy smiled as she rubbed her stomach.
It was so nice to be home, to look at their faces, to see what I’d been missing.
But I noticed she wasn’t there.
I’d hoped she would show up with them, even if she wasn’t family, just to see my face. I expected to see her face, see her tears, see the woman who loved me the day I left. But she wasn’t there…and I didn’t ask why she wasn’t.
“Ready to go home?” Vic asked.
I handed Victor back to Stacy before I picked up my bag off the ground. “I already am home.”
My house was exactly as I left it.
But there was no Torpedo in the backyard. Charlotte’s smell wasn’t on my sheets. My Range Rover was in the driveway, pristine like they’d had it washed for my arrival. The place was tidy and didn’t smell musky from disuse. It seemed to be clean, the sheets on the bed changed. It was exactly the same…just the energy was different.
It was summertime, so the sun set late in the day, the humidity hit you in the face the second you stepped outside, and the grass always smelled like it’d just been cut. They were simple things I never really appreciated before.
Not until I missed them for over two years.
I sat outside on the patio and watched the sun set, let the heat make my skin sweat. I had my morning coffee there too, taking the time to slow down, to reflect on everything I’d just experienced. I hadn’t spoken to Hyde because he was busy with his family, and I didn’t want to bother him.
I was happy to be home, but a bit lonely.
I fantasized about having someone to come home to, but I had to remind myself that two years had passed for her, that she might not even be the same person anymore. Maybe she didn’t even care that I was home.
No. I knew she cared.
The first week home was odd, like the last two years hadn’t really happened; it was just a dream, and I finally woke up. It’d been almost a year since I’d seen Mars, but that image was ingrained in my mind. I had dreams about it, moving across the surface in my spacesuit as I worked on the piping being laid slightly underground. A part of me was still on that red planet, a piece of my soul I would never get back.
The desire for interviews never waned. I’d already given statements, made appearances, but they wanted me to physically come on the show, so people could finally see me. I even had a few book deals put on the table, people wanting a memoir about my journey. I hadn’t responded to anything because it wasn’t on my mind.
NASA gave me two weeks off to acclimate to the change. I had lots of doctor’s visits, had to give lots of blood, do a bunch of tests to make sure my health remained steady. They studied my telomeres and determined that I had aged differently during my time in space. My body had only aged a few months, while the rest of the world experienced years. It was hard to wrap my mind around.
I was sitting on the porch in my rocking chair when Vic pulled up in his SUV. He hopped out, holding a pizza box under his arm. “Hungry?”
I was used to a small diet, but the second I was back, I was hungry like usual. My mass had decreased, and I hadn’t hit the gym because I needed to wait a few weeks to make sure I was in the right health to do it. “What kind?”
“Combination.”
“Then I’m hungry.”
He grabbed a beer from my fridge and brought out the plates of pizza. We sat together and looked over the street, eating and drinking. It felt like old times, but it felt odd at the same time.
I finished my pizza and set the plate to the side.
“How are you?” Vic asked, holding his beer on his thigh.
“Good. You know, just appreciating everything…”
“Like?”
“The seasons, for one. The breeze. Gravity. Food. A full king-sized bed.”
“Yeah, I bet they feel like luxuries. How are you sleeping?”
“It was hard for the first few days, but now I sleep pretty hard. I’m tired, even though I’ve been relaxing.”
“Maybe you’re emotionally drained.”
“Yeah…maybe. So, when is Neil going to be here?”
“About two months.”
“Wow. Two boys. Good for you.”
“Yeah. I feel pretty lucky.”
“Gonna have more?”
He shook his head. “Two is enough. But I do want a girl sometimes.”
“You?” I asked in surprise. “Mr. Macho?”
“Victor looks just like me. It would be nice to have a girl who looks like Stacy.”
That was pretty romantic. “Yeah.”
He drank his beer and surveyed the landscape for a while. “I can’t believe I’m having a beer with you right now… It’s like a dream.”
“Yeah, it does feel like it.”
“Did you ever think you wouldn’t make it back?”
“Yes.”
He turned to me.
“Some of the crew thought it was too risky to head back without our navigational systems and NASA’s assistance. They wanted to stay on Mars and get as much work done as possible…before the next ship came.”
He breathed as he stared, like he didn’t know what to say.
“Because if we tried to return and missed Earth, no one would ever retrieve our data or know what happened to us. But don’t share that information publicly.” It made my crew mates look bad, look like they’d given up instead of potentially making the ultimate sacrifice.
“Jesus…”
“Yeah, it was rough.”
“You put it to a vote?”
“No. I made the decision as the commander.”
“Thank fucking god.”
“Honestly, I didn’t know if we could pull it off. But our mission was to return to Earth…and I had to try.”
“I’m glad you did. And I’m glad you’re a fucking genius.”
“It wasn’t all me,” I said. “I couldn’t have done it without everyone else.”
“But you’re the one who made them go. You saved their lives.”
I stared at my beer and appreciated that summer breeze.
Vic seemed to know I was done talking about it. “Does NASA have your next project?”
I shook my head. “I’ll find out when I return next week.”
“What if they put you in space flight again?”
“Doubt it.”
“But what if they do?”
“I’ll decline the assignment.”
“What if they fire you?”
“They won’t. With all this media attention on me, if I told them NASA fired me because I didn’t want to take another mission, it would put them in boiling water.”
Vic nodded. “True.”
“I’m not going anywhere, Vic.”
“Good.” He drank his beer. “So, since you’re staying here, what are you going to do?”
“Live a normal life.”
“I mean, you think you’ll settle down and have a family?”
I’d like to—with one person. “Not sure.”
Vic started to talk about Victor and Stacy, the things they’d been doing as a family since the last time we spoke. But he never mentioned Charlotte. Never mentioned her in his videos. But I never mentioned her either, so maybe he just assumed she wasn’t on my mind anymore.
But she was on my mind, and the longer I didn’t hear from her and the longer she wasn’t acknowledged, the more terrified I felt. “How’s Charlotte?”
He slowly turned to me, like he was surprised I asked. He studied me for a while before he sighed and turned away, looking at his beer. “She’s good. You know, still working at the lab. Lives in the same house. She got a new SUV, though.”
I’d been hoping for more information than that. I should just tell my brother how I felt, but I was scared what his reaction would be, that she was settled down, that she’d forgotten me. “Is she…married?” The second I asked the question, I regretted it. I didn’t want the answer. I wasn’t ready to hear it.
“No…not married. Why?�
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The tightness in my chest decreased. “I haven’t talked to her since I left. I just…wanted to know how she was doing. Do you still talk to her?”
“Yeah. Stacy and I see her all the time.”
So, there was no possibility that she didn’t know I was home. But she didn’t call. She didn’t swing by the house. Nothing.
“She was relieved that you survived…really happy.”
At least he gave me something. “I was surprised she wasn’t at the airport.”
“Why would she be?” he asked. “You never sent her videos or anything…”
Only because it was too hard. “We were close before I left. I guess I thought we were still close friends…but it has been two years.” Maybe it was stupid for me to expect anything.
“You’ll see her around. I think she thought it would be appropriate if it was just family at first.”
But she was family. “Yeah…maybe.”
I wanted to stop by her house, but I thought that would be inappropriate. She could have a guy over, and the last thing I wanted to do was catch her off guard, interrupt her life like I had any right.
But I never bumped into her anyway, even at a barbecue at Vic’s. I thought she might be there, but she wasn’t.
So, I decided to call.
I sat on my front porch and pressed the phone to my ear. It rang and rang, and it didn’t seem like she would answer. I wasn’t sure if she’d changed her number because I never asked Vic, but I hadn’t changed mine. So, if it was the right number, she would know it was me.
She picked up, breathing slightly hard, like she was walking. “Neil?” Excitement was in her voice, like she was happy to hear from me, happy that my name was on her phone. “Is that you?”
I smiled at the sound of her voice, recognizing it instantly. “Yeah, it’s me.”
“Oh my god… How are you?”
In that moment, I was happier than I’d ever been. “I’m good. Just getting used to everything…but good.”
“I’m so happy you are home. When we thought…” She quickly became quiet, her voice slightly breaking. “We were all so devastated. It’s so nice to have you back. You have no idea.”
She was still sweet like frosting, still kind as ever. “I’m happy to be back too.”
She was quiet for a while, still walking. “I’ve seen you on a couple of shows. That’s an incredible thing you lived through.”
It still felt like a nightmare. “Yeah. What are you doing right now?”
“Walking to my car. I just got off work.”
That was what I’d been hoping for. “You want to stop by on the way? Or maybe we can go out and get a drink or something…?” I listened to the silence over the phone, noticed the way her breathing changed, like she was standing at her car and fishing out her keys. I was afraid she would say no, that my request was a dead giveaway to what I wanted to talk about. “I just thought we could catch up, but if you’re busy—”
“No, I’m not too busy. I just can’t stay long, gotta get to Stacy’s.”
Some time was better than no time. “I’ll see you soon. I’m just on the porch drinking beer.”
“Wow, you sound like you’re a Texan again already.”
She pulled up in a small SUV, trading in her old truck for a major upgrade. When she got out of the car, she was in blue scrubs with her hair in a slick ponytail. She locked the car with a press of the button on her car keys before she headed up the path toward my house.
My heart fell into my stomach.
I could keep my heart rate at seventy beats per minute in a life-or-death situation, but seeing her beautiful face, those green eyes, gorgeous hair, her nice figure in those loose clothes…made it spike to over a hundred.
She moved up the steps then turned to me, seeing me for the first time. She was still, her breathing noticeably increasing, her eyes watering slightly. She just stared for a long time, as if she was taking in my features, looking for the subtle changes to my body. Then she moved forward, walking slowly, taking a deep breath before she stopped in front of me.
I felt my own eyes water as I looked at her face, seeing the woman I’d dreamed about for years, the woman who stole my heart when I didn’t think I had one to give away. A moment of catharsis hit, like I really felt at home for the very first time. She was home to me, the person I missed more than anyone else. Her pictures had been in my room on board, so I always had her memory for company. She was the person I had been most anxious to return home to.
After another deep breath, she smiled. “You’re really home…”
“Yeah…I am.” I moved into her and wrapped my arms around her small waist. I hugged her against me, my face moving into the crook of her neck, smelling that same scent I used to smell every day. I closed my eyes and breathed, grateful that I got to have this, that I fought so hard to get back to this.
She squeezed me too, breathing hard with emotion, her fingers digging into the flesh of my shoulders as her arms hooked around my neck. She stood that way with me for a long time, like she had nowhere else to be that was more important.
I didn’t let go either…because I never wanted to let her go.
I got her a beer, and we sat together on the porch, just the way Vic and I had the other day.
I kept staring at her, finding her to be the most beautiful thing in the universe, far more beautiful than that desolate planet I’d risked my life to reach. My fingers felt the cold condensation on my bottle, but the liquid didn’t stay cold for long because my palms were so warm—and not from the summer heat.
Now that I had her there with me, I didn’t know what to say. She continued to ask me questions about the mission, what my living conditions were like, how my life had been for the last two years.
But I didn’t want to talk about me.
“Vic told me you’re still living at the same house. How’s Torpedo?”
“He’s good.” She smiled. “Still takes up the whole damn bed…”
I chuckled. “Yeah, I remember…” It would be the two of us with a huge dog at the edge, and in the summer, it was a bit much, but I never complained. Now I’d give anything to have that again.
She looked away.
I wanted to ask her if she was seeing anybody, but I really didn’t care if she was. If she was unmarried, she was fair game to me. I doubted the other guy would be able to compare to me anyway, especially since she was in love with me when I left. “Char…there’s something I want to say to you. The reason I didn’t send you any videos wasn’t because I didn’t want to… It was just too hard. I thought about you a lot while I was gone.” I thought about her the entire time, actually. Like she was my wife…the love of my life…and I was working so hard to get back to her.
She continued to stare down into her beer, taking a noticeable breath at my words.
“I didn’t ask Vic about you…because it was too painful.”
She still wouldn’t look at me.
“I just…it was all too difficult. That mission was an incredible experience, and not by any means am I ungrateful for that opportunity, but I regret it… I regret leaving you.”
She lifted her gaze and looked at me, her eyes wet.
“Seeing that red planet made me realize that I’d crossed the solar system to see a bunch of red dirt…when the only things that actually mattered were back on Earth. When we lost our communication, it hurt that I couldn’t tell you how I felt, that I might die without you ever knowing. I just—”
“Neil.”
I hated the tone in her voice, the way she cut me off, like she didn’t want to listen anymore.
She sighed loudly before she spoke. “I’m engaged.”
Like a twig underneath my shoe, every bone in my body snapped in two. When Vic told me she wasn’t married, I thought I had a good chance to make this right. But he purposely hid that from me, and I didn’t know why. Now, I was speechless, unsure what to say, how to accept that horrible news. I was devastated…truly
.
She looked away, like she didn’t want to look at me. “I wasn’t expecting you to say any of this when I came over. I thought… I thought I was just an old friend to you. When we were together, I didn’t think your feelings were more than skin-deep. This is genuinely a surprise to me. I didn’t think I mattered. Otherwise, you would have told me. You would have asked me to wait, and I would have. You could have sent me videos. You could have…done something in the last two years.”
Fuck, I’d really butchered this.
“I’m sorry… I don’t know what else to say.”
I lifted my gaze and looked over the patio, seeing the quiet street right outside my door. The elation I’d felt minutes ago was gone. I didn’t bother telling her that I loved her, that I’d loved her before I left, to save my pride. “It’s okay, Char.”
Now, we sat there in silence—painful and tense silence.
She looked away, like she wanted to escape but didn’t know how to segue into it. She set down her beer.
“Who’s the lucky guy?” I didn’t want to know anything about him, but my curiosity was too strong. I wanted to know if he was good enough for her, if he was the man who could really make her happy. And I hoped, prayed, it wasn’t Kyle.
She looked straight ahead. “Kyle…”
I covered up my reaction as best I could, but it was hard…when I felt so fucking terrible. I left my girl behind, and Kyle moved in. He’d wanted her long before I met her, and instead of blasting off into space and trying to get off this planet, he hustled and hustled…until he got her.
I couldn’t even be angry about it.
That’s what I should have been doing.
I rubbed the back of my neck and stayed quiet, too upset to speak, full of too much self-loathing to open my mouth.
After minutes of silence, she got to her feet. “I should go…” She turned away and walked to the edge of the porch.
I didn’t stop her. I didn’t ask her if she really loved Kyle or it was just a rebound. I didn’t ask anything because I felt like I didn’t have the right. Kyle had been there when I wasn’t, and to go after her when they planned to spend their lives together…was fucked up. He didn’t pursue her when she was with me. He waited for his chance.