by E. L. Todd
I hated dropping off Kingston, and Neil hated the same thing. “What about us…?” I didn’t want to lose my best friend, lose him forever. But there was no other way. Kyle couldn’t be around me without having feelings, and now that we’d been together, there was no way it could work. That was devastating.
He swallowed, probably dealing with a lump in his throat. “I’m gonna need some space for a while. We shouldn’t talk. And when I’m in a good place…we’ll be friends again.”
I shook my head. “I don’t want you to be in a position that makes you sad.”
“It won’t, if I give myself enough time. I don’t want to lose you, Char.”
I wiped away my tears and nodded.
“In time, I think we can be friends. I’ve gotten the closure I needed. And this is all my fault. I pushed you. Instead of just accepting the fact that it wasn’t meant to be, that if we were supposed to be romantic together, it would have already happened, I tried to force it…and that’s my fault. Because real love should be natural, you know?”
I’d loved Neil the moment I met him. That had never happened with Kyle, and it wasn’t because I had been married. I could have had feelings for Kyle instead of Neil, but I never did. In my heart, I knew this was right…but it still fucking hurt.
After a long period of silence, Kyle got to his feet. “I should go…”
“No.” I left the chair and moved into him, hugging him, holding him tight because I knew I would never be able to hold him like this again. I cried into his neck, squeezing him hard, treasuring this moment. “I do love you, Kyle. I will always love you…”
He touched his forehead to mine and held me that way in the kitchen, his eyes closed, like he wanted to hold on to his moment too, like he wanted to have this bliss a little longer. He pressed his lips to my forehead and kissed me. “I love you too, sweetheart. But maybe one day, I can love you like a friend. Maybe one day, our kids can play together. Maybe one day…we’ll be what we’re supposed to be.”
Twenty-Five
Neil
After work, I met Vic at the bar. We sat in a booth together and enjoyed a few beers.
“How’s that book coming along?” Vic asked.
“I’ve gotten a few chapters done. I’m not much of a writer, so…”
“But you have something pretty epic to write about.”
“But the first nine months were spent on the ship…just passing time. There’s not much I can do to make that interesting. I can discuss what we were working on, but it’s so complicated that I’m not sure I even can put it into simple terms for average people to understand.”
“I guess that makes sense.”
“And again, I’m not a writer. I’m more of a technical person.”
“Yeah, I’ve noticed.”
I drank my beer and looked out the window.
“So…how are things with Charlotte?”
“We haven’t talked much.” I respected her space. I only texted her about Kingston. I never crossed that line into a territory she didn’t want me in. If she wanted to be with Kyle, even if she didn’t love him, I wouldn’t put her in a bad position. If she wanted to make that relationship work, I wouldn’t purposely sabotage it.
He stared down at his beer for a while.
“I got called into my boss’s office the other day. They asked me to go on the next mission to Mars—”
“I will fucking kill you—”
“I said no.” I cut him off before everyone panicked at the way he was screaming. “Jesus, calm down.”
His face was already red, like he could really boil that quickly.
“But they did ask, and I said it wasn’t right.”
“You said no because of me?” he asked.
“That wasn’t the only reason.”
“What were the others?”
“Kingston, Charlotte…and I just don’t want to.”
Vic sighed in relief. “I’m surprised they asked you.”
“Wanted a member of the crew on the return trip, just to make it easier.”
“So, they’ll ask someone else?”
I nodded.
“You think Hyde will go?”
“No,” I said instantly. “No chance.” Jane would never let him leave Earth again.
“Who do you think will go, then?”
“Amelia. She was the one who wanted to stay.”
“You think she’d be good for another journey?”
She and I disagreed on a couple things, but her merit was unquestionable. “Yeah. They’d be lucky to have her.”
“Well, I was nervous you would break your promise—and I’m glad I don’t have to worry about that.”
I was a man of my word. “I’ve given enough to my country. I think it’s time I do something for me now.”
He nodded. “I think so too, man.” He drank from his beer then cleared his throat. “So…I wasn’t supposed to tell you this, but I don’t think I can keep my mouth shut.”
I stared at my brother, not having a single prediction. “Okay…”
“Stacy told me that Charlotte told her that…she and Kyle broke up.”
My heart stopped beating instantly, my hands going numb. A cloud passed over, and then the sun returned, but this time brighter than before, brighter than it’d ever been. “What happened?”
“I guess Charlotte didn’t tell him about your advances, but Kyle noticed the way you looked at her or something. Then he confronted her about it. He said he knew she didn’t tell him the truth because she wanted you, and she wouldn’t be able to pretend she didn’t.” Vic looked out the window for a while. “He’s the one who ended it. Said he didn’t want to love a woman who’s in love with another guy. Can’t blame him.”
“Shit…” I was happy they weren’t together, but I also felt entirely responsible for what happened, because I did look at her in a very particular way.
“I guess they agreed to be friends, after Kyle has some distance. And he also admitted it’s his fault.”
“Why would it be his fault?”
“Because he pursued Charlotte in the first place. He offered to be a father to Kingston if she gave him a chance. It wasn’t some organic thing, like they hooked up one night or something…”
I didn’t believe Charlotte would come on to him on her own, so that story made sense.
“But she’s pretty upset about it, I guess. Taking it pretty hard.”
I had no idea. “Why wasn’t I supposed to know?”
“Because she’s not interested in making something happen with you. She just wants some time…space.”
I sighed quietly, feeling two different things at once. I felt terrible for her, knowing she was hurting, knowing she felt guilty for everything. But I was also relieved, because she was mine…when the time was right. “She can have all the time she needs. I’m in no rush.”
I didn’t text her and ask for Kingston. I let her contact me when she was ready to let me have him. If she was sad, Kingston probably comforted her, made her empty house feel full. So, I let her keep him.
She eventually texted me. Hey, I’m sorry I’ve hogged Kingston so long. Just been busy.
I’ve been busy at work, so don’t worry about it. That was a lie, but I didn’t want her to feel bad…when she already felt bad.
Well, I can drop him off for the weekend.
Sure. I didn’t want her to be alone all weekend, especially when she didn’t have work to keep her distracted. Come by anytime.
On Friday evening, she pulled up in her Subaru and carried Kingston up the steps to the front door.
I happened to be sitting there, enjoying a beer on my front porch. “There’s my little boy.” I set my beer down and walked to them, immediately noticing the bags under her eyes, the dull color of her skin, her solemn mood. I took him from her arms and cradled him close. “How’s my man doing?”
“Good.” He giggled.
I smiled, loving it every time he spoke. “You’ve been taking car
e of your mom?”
“Yeah.”
“Good boy.” I rocked him back and forth slightly as I looked at Charlotte.
Her eyes were soft like always, touched by the sight of us. It hid her pain, temporarily. “I’ll pick him up from Stacy’s on Monday afternoon.” She kissed his cheek. “Bye, baby.”
I didn’t want her to go, not when she was sad, not when she was carrying all that grief on her own. I wanted to be there for her, as her friend. “Why don’t you come inside and have dinner with us?”
“Oh, it’s okay. I know you—”
“Come on, I insist. I want to hear about what my son’s been up to since I last saw him.” I opened the screen door and nodded to the entryway. “I’m making chicken potpies.”
“Well, that is pretty hard to pass up.” She finally let the smile come through, like she looked forward to having company for the night instead of going home to an empty house.
“I’ve been working on my book. You can read the first chapters and tell me what you think.”
“I’m the worst person to ask,” she said with a laugh. “Because I’ll like anything you make.”
“Then that’s perfect. I want someone to tell me how awesome I am.” I smiled then stepped aside so she could walk through first.
Now she smiled with her eyes, appreciating the joke, and then entered the house. “Alright, you convinced me.”
“When did you learn to make this?” She ate the whole thing, enjoying every last bite.
“Jane gave me her recipe.”
“That was nice of her. I’m gonna have to crash for dinner sometime…” She pulled off a piece of crust and popped it into her mouth.
“I’m sure they would love to see you if you ever wanted to do that. They’re both on cloud nine right now. I’ve never seen Hyde this happy, even when he found out he was having his first kid.”
She smiled. “Happy to be home, huh?”
“Yeah.” I turned to Kingston, who was in his high chair, his food finished and his attention now on his toy rocket.
When Charlotte and I were in the middle of a conversation, she seemed to forget about her heartache. She looked a little thinner since the last time I saw her, so I suspected she wasn’t eating much, but a nice night refueled her appetite and she finally had a full meal. The brightness came back into her face, her eyes lit up again.
I never mentioned Kyle because I wanted her to escape, wanted to stop thinking about what happened for a few hours. “You want to see my book?”
“Of course.” She licked her fingers, getting the mess off from the chicken potpie.
“Alright.” I grabbed the papers from my office then returned. I set them in front of her.
She wiped her hands on a napkin then started, her head down as she read through page after page. She didn’t look at me or make a comment, as if she was truly invested in the story, like it was a science fiction novel. She got to the end of the third chapter then looked up. “Wow…it’s amazing.”
“Amazing?” I asked in surprise.
“Yeah, it’s not stuffy. It’s a good narrative.”
“Really?” I asked, unable to believe it. “Writing is not one of my best skills, so I’ve been having a hard time with it. I don’t know how to craft a sentence, how to decide what word to use and why. So, I decided to write it as I would talk, I guess.”
“And that’s why it’s so good. People want a story, not a manual. I like the way you talk about your relationships with the other crew like they’re real people instead of having some reflective epiphany. It’s really like a fictional tale…but it’s true.”
She seemed to genuinely like it, and that meant a lot to me. “We’ll see what happens when I give it to my editor.”
“Do you have a deadline?”
“They want it within nine months, but they prefer five. I don’t think it’ll take me that long. I’m not a fiction writer creating a whole world to entertain people. I already know the story—I just have to tell it.”
“Yeah…” She restacked the papers and set them to the side.
I noticed she still didn’t ask about the money. She didn’t ask how I would spend it, if I would buy a new house, nothing.
“Is there a lot that NASA won’t allow you to include?”
I shook my head. “Mostly data. It’s technically their property. My experience is my own, but everything they invested is theirs.”
“I guess that makes sense.”
“Our mission was to begin cultivation and lay the groundwork for future missions, but we had a lot of other stuff to do that’s not accessible to the public. That’s the stuff that needs to remain private.”
“So, there are aliens out there?” she teased.
I shrugged. “Out there could mean a lot of things.”
“In our solar system. But if you knew, you’d never tell me.”
“Nope.”
She didn’t press the subject. “Well, thank you for dinner…and the company.” She turned to Kingston, sighing quietly, like she didn’t want to leave her son.
I didn’t want to take him from her even though I wanted him, because I knew she needed him more than I did right now. “How about you take him back for the night?”
“What?” She turned back to me, her eyebrows raised.
“Vic invited me over for burgers and a swim tomorrow. How about you bring Kingston?” I wasn’t sure if she would make an excuse to explain Kyle’s absence or not mention him at all, but I do think it would make her feel better to be around Stacy and Vic, along with Kingston and me.
“I’ve hogged him so much…”
“So? You’re his mother. That’s what mothers do.” I smiled at her, trying to lift her spirits.
She smiled back.
“I’d like to be those parents who can both spend time with their kid. It’s good for him, to see his parents get along and have a friendship.” Charlotte and I weren’t just friends, and we would never be just friends. She was so much more to me, and even though I couldn’t act on it right now, I considered her to be my woman. I knew she was the person I would spend the rest of my life with. I knew we’d have more kids, she’d move in, we’d get married…the whole nine yards. I couldn’t have those things right this second, but knowing they were in the lineup made it much easier to be friends now. I didn’t have to be jealous about where she spent her nights. I didn’t have to see her with Kyle again. I didn’t have to deal with that at all.
“Yeah,” she said in agreement.
“And I’m so pale. I really need to expose myself to some sunlight.”
She chuckled. “Neil, you’re fine.”
I was actually more exposed to radiation since there was no atmosphere on Mars, but I didn’t actually tan like people did on Earth. “So, I’ll see you tomorrow?”
“Yeah…sure.”
I picked up Kingston from the high chair and grabbed his bag. I carried everything as I walked her to her car outside. The breeze was light, reminiscent of old summer nights. We stopped at the car, and I buckled him into his car seat. The bag was placed in the passenger seat.
I straightened and turned to her, doing my best not to stare at her how I usually did, those kinds of stares that lasted forever, that were full of so much intensity that I didn’t need to physically touch her to feel her. I knew if I hugged her, it would pull at my restraint, so I just avoided it altogether. “Goodnight. See you tomorrow.” I turned back to the house and walked away, keeping my distance, giving her all the space she needed.
“Goodnight, Neil.”
Vic worked the grill while I sat in the chair and drank my beer, watching the steam rise from the patties, the smell of a summer barbecue heavy in the air. He glanced inside to see where Charlotte was before he turned back to me. “So…how are things going with Char?”
“You didn’t tell your wife you told me?”
“Fuck no,” he said with a laugh. “She’d kill me. And not that sexy kind of kill me.”
“Wha
t’s that sexy kind of kill me?” I drank my beer.
“You know, where she slaps me but then pounds on my dick a second later.”
Their relationship ran hot and cold. I never really understood it. “I can tell she’s pretty upset.”
“Yeah, Stacy said she’s a mess.”
“I invited her here today because I thought all of us hanging out would make her feel better.”
“You’re probably right.”
“I’m supposed to have Kingston this weekend, but it felt wrong to take her from him since she’s feeling so low.”
“That was nice of you.”
“When we get back together, I’ll see him all the time then.”
“When do you think that will be?” He flipped the burgers.
“No idea. I’m gonna wait for her to mention Kyle on her own.”
“But it might be obvious they aren’t together since she doesn’t wear her ring anymore…and odd that you haven’t asked about it.”
I shrugged. “Guys don’t pay that much attention.”
“Neil Crimson pays attention to everything.” He gave me a meaningful look before he turned back to the grill. “Especially the woman he loves.”
I remembered the moment I’d truly realized it was all a mistake, that going to Mars was an act of stupidity. I’d sat in front of my monitor and sent Charlotte a message she never received. “I actually did send her one video, but she never got it.”
“You did?”
“Our comms were down when I decided to record it. I told her how I felt, told her how I loved her.”
He set down his spatula and ignored the sizzling meat. “Maybe you should make sure she gets that.”
“I don’t think she wants to hear that right now.”
“No. But she definitely will…at some point.”
Twenty-Six
Charlotte