by E. L. Todd
I couldn’t describe the way I felt.
Kyle was right about everything, but it hurt, regardless. A part of me wished I didn’t love Neil, just so I could give Kyle everything he wanted, love him the way he deserved. Kyle was so sweet, sexy, perfect… I didn’t know why I couldn’t fall head over heels in love with him.
Why?
I felt a lot of guilt, for letting that relationship fall apart the second Neil returned. I felt guilty that my feelings immediately changed once Neil was back. I felt guilty that I only gave Kyle a real chance once Neil was reported dead. The preference was obvious— Kyle was always second best.
I was a horrible fucking person.
I entered the house with my baby and my bag. “Hey, it’s me.”
Stacy came out of the kitchen and greeted me with a hug. “Ooh…this baby is ready for a swim.” She admired his floppy hat, all the sunscreen rubbed into his cheeks and nose. “He loves the water, huh?”
“He does.”
She smothered him with kisses. “So, how are you doing?”
I shrugged, feeling my smile fade.
Her eyes drooped, and her lips fell into a straight line. “Girl, I’m sorry…”
“It’s just rough, you know?”
“Yeah, I do. It hurts right now, but it won’t hurt forever. Eventually…you’ll be really happy with the man you’ve always wanted.”
“I don’t know… I’m not in that place.”
“Give it time, and you will be. Does he know?”
I shook my head. “I’m not going to tell him. It’s nice just being friends. I don’t want any pressure.”
“In his defense, I don’t think Neil would pressure you if he knew you were down about it.”
“I know…”
“And he’s bound to figure it out eventually. You aren’t bringing Kyle around, you aren’t wearing your ring…”
I shrugged. “I’ll deal with it when I have to.”
“And I also think it doesn’t make sense to feel guilty for being with the person you really want to be with. Kyle understands. You guys ended on great terms. He even wants to have a friendship with you.”
“I know, but we were together for so long…years.”
“But you’ve always been in love with Neil—that entire time.” She rubbed my back. “I just don’t want you to feel guilty forever. Life is short, Neil is alive, and if that moment comes when you’re happy…grab on to it.” She turned back to the kitchen. “Vic is almost done with the burgers, so I gotta get this stuff going.”
“Alright.” I moved to the back patio, seeing Vic working the grill while Neil sat nearby, drinking a beer, wearing shorts and a tee, not nearly as pale as he claimed to be. His arms looked nice, his shoulders broad, and his brown eyes were magnetic—like always.
“Look who it is.” Vic gave me a one-armed hug before he tickled Kingston. “This boy came ready.”
Neil set down his beer and got to his feet when I approached him. He wore that handsome smile, grinning at both of us like he was happy to see us. “Our baby looks adorable.” He scooped him from my hands then lifted him up. “Ready to swim?”
“Yes.” He giggled and kicked his feet.
Neil brought him close again and kissed his forehead, getting sunscreen on his lips. “Good. I’m ready for a swim too.” He shifted him to one arm then looked at me. “You care if I take him in the pool?”
“Not at all.” Maybe Neil had given up on me after his conversation with Kyle, because he behaved like a friend and nothing more, as if us being together wasn’t on his mind at all. It was nice, to have that weight off my shoulders, but I was also afraid he would move on to someone else…and I would take too long. I could ask him to wait, but that felt wrong—and would make everything complicated.
Neil removed his shirt then carried King into the pool.
It was hard not to stare, to see how fit he was, how he still had his eight-pack, his powerful chest, those nice arms…and tight ass. My head turned his way, and I watched him go because I was unable to resist.
“Like what you see?” Vic grinned.
I turned back to him, a little embarrassed I’d been caught. “It’s nice seeing them together.”
“Sure.” He scooped the burgers onto the plate. “Whatever you say, Char.”
I rolled my eyes and moved to the table. I set down my bag and then threw my hair into a bun before I removed my dress. When I was in just my green bikini, I got into the pool, enjoying the coolness since the heat was unrelenting.
Neil didn’t look at me, holding Kingston in the water, our son wearing a long-sleeved water shirt, shorts, and a floppy hat.
I joined them in the shallow end. “Aw, he’s so happy.”
Neil bobbed him up and down, letting him kick in the water and splash his hands on the surface. “I’m gonna have to get a pool since he likes it so much.”
“That’s not a bad idea. Or you could even do one of those inflatable pools and fill it with a hose.”
“Yeah, but I know he’s gonna have friends over as he gets older. It would be nice to have one for that.”
I never asked what he would do with the millions he’d just received. It felt weird to talk about money with anyone, so I never mentioned it. Technically, he hadn’t paid child support, but I didn’t need the money. I could take care of us on my own. “Not a bad idea. You’re gonna put a pool in the backyard?”
“No. I’ll probably just buy a new place.” He turned Kingston around in the pool, grinning as he pulled him through the water, having a great time with his son. “You know, most of the crew had kids, and I was relieved I didn’t have that burden. But now, I realize…I was the one missing out.”
It was hard not to smile when I watched them together. “You guys are so cute together. I never want him to grow up, but I know when he does, he’s gonna look just like you. That’ll be so nice.”
“I see a lot of you in him.”
“You do?”
“Yeah.” He held him close to his chest again, turning his gaze on me, his strong shoulders above the surface. “He’s got your heart, your laugh…all that other good stuff. Maybe when he gets older, your features will be expressed. Victor looks nothing like he did when he was a baby.”
“True.”
Vic turned off the grill. “Food’s ready.”
“We’ll be there in a second,” Neil said. “Kingston doesn’t want to get out yet.” He turned to me. “I can stay with him so you can eat.”
“You’re sure?” I asked.
“Yeah.” He looked at me, wearing a soft smile that was so beautiful to see. He examined me for a while, his eyes slowly narrowing, his gaze becoming more focused. Then he broke eye contact and looked at Kingston again. “When I was at work the other day, my boss asked if I wanted to be on the next mission to Mars, which is scheduled to launch in eighteen months.”
I immediately felt sick, forgetting that this would always be a problem with Neil. He’d said he wanted to be here, but when the offers came, he would be unable to say no. He would leave…and I’d have to watch him go.
“I asked to be permanently decommissioned from space flight.” He looked at me again, like he knew I was scared he would leave again. “I said I wanted to be an engineer for the spacecraft, a teacher, a trainer for the new crew. Because I never want to leave this planet again…never want to leave Kingston…or you.”
Relief swept through me, a kind of relief that made me feel unburdened. It was good news that I didn’t know I needed to hear. A moment of catharsis began, and before I knew what was happening, I realized I was crying. I remembered all the suffering his departure had caused, hearing the news that he was probably deceased, looking up at the stars and knowing his soul wasn’t on Earth anymore. It was so painful, every time he left, like he took another piece of me every time he walked away. I didn’t want my son to have an absentee father, to lose him altogether.
“Whoa…baby.” Neil looked terrified by my reaction and moved
his arm around my waist and pulled me close. “Shh…it’s alright.” He held the three of us together.
Kingston grabbed a chunk of my hair. “Momma…why you cry?”
Neil rested his chin on my head as he let me sob against him, let me open the dam and release everything that was bottled inside. “Char, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry that I hurt you…so much.” He pressed a kiss to my forehead before he let me pull away.
I moved back, wiping my tears away even though my fingers were wet from the pool. When I looked at him, I saw the film of moisture in his eyes, an expression of emotion he never made. “I just…I don’t know.”
His hand moved to my arm, and he gently rubbed my skin.
“Mommy okay?” Kingston asked.
I started to cry again when I listened to my son worry about me. “I’m fine, baby. I’m just…happy.” I looked at Neil again. “I just… I’m so relieved I don’t have to go through that again, that Kingston doesn’t have to go through it. And then I felt every emotion I’d struggled with over the years…thinking you were dead…finding out you weren’t. I just…” I took a deep breath and forced myself to calm down. “I just didn’t really realize how much it shattered me, until you said that.”
His fingers stilled on my arm, and he stared at me for a while, his eyes still slightly wet. He took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a second, like he was hit by a wave of guilt. “Baby, I’m never going to leave you again, not just from this planet, but from your life. I’m always gonna be here, in whatever way you want, whether that’s down the street or in bed beside you.” His arm circled my waist again, and he pulled me close, hugging me to his chest, letting me feel his rapidly beating heart.
After a few minutes, I heard Vic open and shut the patio door.
Neil did something with his head, giving a slight nod to dismiss him silently.
The door shut again.
Neil turned his chin to my head and just held me…for a long time.
As the month passed, life got a little easier.
Neil didn’t pressure me, even though he must have figured out Kyle was gone by now. His comment in the pool made me realize he’d known for a while, but he respected me enough not to ambush me, to let me come to him when I was ready.
It was hard to adjust to life without Kyle, especially since we didn’t talk at all anymore. I didn’t just lose him as my lover, but as my friend too. His presence was gone…like he died. But I didn’t text him. I wasn’t selfish. I put him first, just the way Neil put me first, and let him come to me when he was ready.
But that might be a long time…like half a year.
I just had to be patient and keep my faith, that someday…we would be friends again.
Neil and I traded off Kingston, sometimes spending time together as a family. Neil asked me to read the new chapters of his book as he wrote them, whether he actually cared about my opinion or just wanted to spend time with me, I didn’t know.
He never texted me unless it was about Kingston. He never talked about anything, never stopped by, never told me he loved me. It was the first time we actually felt like friends…and just friends.
Neil was still the most popular man in America, being featured on TV and even having a guest appearance on a TV show. He was making NASA’s pristine reputation grow, and he was also doing publicity for his upcoming book, which was the number one memoir on preorder at all the bookstores at the moment.
He got his physique back, becoming ripped, tanned, and a complete hunk. He was a hot commodity, and after being in space for years, he was probably eager to get laid…so maybe he was sleeping around.
I tried not to think about it, because it hurt so much.
But I wasn’t ready, so I couldn’t pursue him myself.
I was home on Sunday night when the doorbell rang.
I knew it was Neil, but Torpedo ran to the door and barked loudly like he was a guard dog…even though he was the most harmless thing on the planet. I opened the door and saw Neil holding Kingston, who was asleep against his chest, the baby bag over his shoulder.
When Torpedo recognized Neil, he wagged his tail happily.
“Wow, he must be tired.” I took Kingston from his arms and transferred him to my chest, pressing a kiss to his messy hair. “Torpedo didn’t wake him at all.”
“We ran some errands together. Grocery shopping and then the toy store.”
I grinned and carried him to the crib in his bedroom. “No wonder he’s pooped.” I placed the blanket over him, ran my fingers through his hair, and then walked out. “I’m sure he had a good time.”
“I can’t wait until he’s older so we can do bigger stuff together.” Neil set the bag on the table, full of all the supplies he needed throughout the day. “He likes to help the grocery clerk scan items…”
“Aww…”
“And they let him do it…because he’s so cute.”
It was probably because Neil was cute. Sexy single dad, he probably got hit on everywhere he went. “Well, thanks for dropping him off.”
“I hate it, but at least I get to see you.” He slid his hands into his pockets and looked at me, his eyes shifting back and forth to look into mine.
The heat between us was potent, like always. It grew every passing week, became more noticeable, and all the things we didn’t say seemed to get louder and louder. “Are you…seeing anyone?”
His expression immediately hardened into surprise, and he held it for a while, like the question genuinely threw him off.
“I don’t mean to pry. I know it’s none of my business. I was just wondering—”
“No, Char. Not seeing anybody.” He shook his head slightly. “The last woman I was with…is you.” He cocked his head slightly, regarding me with a hard expression, like he was a bit annoyed that wasn’t obvious.
“Oh…” I hadn’t expected that answer. I didn’t expect him to be in a relationship, but I assumed there were some one-night stands in there. He already got pussy offered to him before, but now that he was America’s hero, it was probably even worse than it used to be.
He took a quiet breath, held it for a while, and then released it slowly. “You’re the only woman I want to be with, so I’m going to wait.”
So, he definitely knew Kyle was gone.
“And I’ll wait as long as you want me to.”
“I’m not really there—”
“No rush.” He held up his hand to silence me. “I know you and Kyle were together for a long time, so I don’t expect you to move on from that quickly. I’m happy just spending time with you, along with Kingston.”
“How long have you known about Kyle?”
“A while.” He didn’t elaborate further. “You can always talk to me about it, if you need someone to talk to.”
“I guess it just hurts because we were so close, and now he’s not there. I know it’s the right thing, that he made the right decision. If he never left, I would have stayed, but I know it would be out of obligation…which is wrong. He said he deserved more, and I couldn’t help but agree. But it’s hard not having him around because he was my best friend. We don’t talk at all, don’t see each other, and I want to be selfish and check in on him…but that’s for my sake and not his.”
He crossed his arms over his chest and nodded. “It’s been six weeks. I’m sure he’s in a better place.”
“Yeah, I hope so.”
“I can ask Vic to get a beer with him.”
“No, I think he just needs space from everything.” I sighed, still full of pain. “He said our breakup has given him closure. Now that he knows it could never work, he can let it go. I hope that’s true.”
“I think he’s right. Playing what-if will keep you up at night.”
“And he said he wants to be friends…someday.”
“I’m sure it’ll happen, Char. Kyle is a good guy who can have any woman he wants. Now that he’s open to someone new, really ready to find someone that’s not you, I’m sure he’ll find her qui
ckly.”
“Yeah…”
“Don’t carry the guilt, baby. You never meant to hurt him. It just happened.”
“I know. I didn’t sleep with him until I knew you were dead…because there was a piece of me that always had hope we could be together.”
He didn’t cringe at the knowledge of us being together. If it bothered him, he didn’t show it. “We will be together, Char. I think we’re supposed to be together. Because there’s no one in the world who could change my feelings so absolutely about my career…except you. Instead of being annoyed or stressed about Kingston’s existence, I was happy…really happy. I’m sorry it took traveling to another planet to make me realize it, but the experience has changed me now—and I can’t go back. You’re my future wife, the mother of my future kids, and I’m sorry that Kyle got the short straw, but…it was always supposed to be us. We just had one of those really long love stories.”
I looked away because his words made me want to cry. They felt right, felt true, and that made me feel guilty, for knowing Neil and I had true love. It made my relationship with Kyle feel even more wrong, because I never had this feeling in my chest when we were together. It was easy because I didn’t love him; I wasn’t emotional. I was objective and simple…because there was no rush of feeling.
Neil sighed. “I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m sorry.”
“You didn’t upset me. I just… You’re right.” I moved my gaze back to his. “This feels right, even when you’re standing five feet away. I’ve been hurt so much in the past, but I know that’s almost over…for good.”
His eyes softened. “Whenever you’re ready…I’m ready.”
My arms tightened over my chest, cutting him off even though he was nowhere near me, like I needed more time because of what I’d said. A part of me was ready now, but six weeks was too soon.
He dismissed himself by turning for the door. “I’ll see you later.” He opened the door and walked out without looking back at me, like he understood I just needed space right now, that this would be a slow road…but he was willing to drive the speed limit.