Captains Outrageous cap-6

by Joe R. Lansdale

  “No reason to.”

  “I do a lot of things, allow a lot of things now that I would not allow before. I am nowhere the man I once was.”

  The old man’s gaze took a position over my shoulder. I turned and saw Leonard shuffling in. He found a chair and sat.

  Leonard said, “I don’t know if I thanked you properly or not, sir. But thank you. You did us both a great favor. You’re good with that machete.”

  “The machete was part of my life growing up. For work, for play, and for fighting.”

  “Play?” Leonard asked.

  “Play fighting. We fought using the flat of the blade. The art of machete fighting is nearly lost, my friend.”

  “I can see that,” Leonard said.

  The old man smiled.

  When the bread was done it came out flat and blackened in spots. We put some real butter on it and had coffee. It wasn’t a gourmet meal, but it wasn’t bad either.

  We sat around the table and talked about this and that, the weather, life, women. I didn’t mention Beatrice, of course, but from the way the old man looked at me, it was obvious he knew what his daughter and I had been doing. Once he stared at me long enough and hard enough I added too much sugar to my coffee.

  When we finished all of that coffee, he brewed us more and we drank that, and by noon he had found a bottle of wine and was drinking heavily from that.

  Neither Leonard nor I touched the wine.

  About two o’clock Ferdinand passed out in his chair and Leonard and I put him in his bed, took off his shoes, and propped a pillow under his head.

  “I like the old bastard,” Leonard said. “He tells good stories.”

  “He’s worried,” I said. “He’s trying to put his mind on other things.”

  “There you go worrying about other people’s problems again.”

  “You said you like him.”

  “I said I like him. I didn’t say I wanted to raise him. We get home, I’ll buy you your own old man. Better yet, you can take care of me. Hold my balls up while I wash.”

  “That’ll be the day.”

  We went back to the kitchen and got the last of the coffee. We had already gone through two pots, and now, with another cup of coffee poured up, I felt as if I might be able to levitate, in an agitated sort of way, of course.

  There were a couple of chairs on the front porch, so we went out there and sipped our coffee. It was hot outside and the coffee made us sweat twice as bad.

  We hadn’t been out there long when we saw a dust cloud coming from the south, a red clay swirl against a bright hot sky. Pretty soon, out of the cloud, came Beatrice in the van. When she braked to a stop, the dust continued on, as if it had disgorged her. It passed over the house and made us duck our heads and cough. When I looked up there was a coating of it over what remained of my coffee. I leaned out of my chair, past the edge of the porch, and poured it in the dirt.

  Beatrice practically leaped from the car. Her hair was up. She wore jeans and an oversized red shirt with white deck shoes. There was a sweat line around her neck and sweat blooms under her arms. She saw us on the porch, sauntered over a little too casually.

  “How are you this morning?” she asked.

  We both answered in the affirmative.

  “And you?” I said.

  “Well enough. Are you ready to go into town?”

  “I suppose we are. Maybe you could show us a store or two where we can buy a few things. We left some stuff at the other hotel, but we haven’t the inclination to go back for it.”

  “Some bellhop is wearing Hap’s new underwear right now,” Leonard said.

  “I will just check on my father, wash a little, change clothes, then we will go.”

  She rushed inside quickly, as if she might burst into tears at any moment. I started to follow. Leonard took hold of my arm.

  “Leave it be, buddy. It’s not your problem. You can’t solve everyone’s problems. Look at it this way. You can’t even solve your own.”

  “Point,” I said. “Damn good point.”

  A little later, when Beatrice had herself together, looking fresh in a blue blouse, she drove Leonard and me into town, to the hotel where I had rented us a room.

  After Beatrice had gone up with us to see our room, which though not fancy was nice, I walked her back to her car.

  She opened the door, said, “You have been very kind.”

  “I have to say the same.”

  “I have been loving, have I not?”

  “You have.”

  “No complaints?”

  “No complaints,” I said. “You’ll give our best to your father?”

  “Of course,” she said.

  She got in the car, pulled the door to. The window was open, she leaned out of it.

  “I think, in another time, things could have been different,” she said.

  I wasn’t sure I wanted them to be that different. I liked her, but I didn’t love her. I loved Brett, goddamn me.

  Still, I couldn’t help myself. “How did it go?”

  “Go?”

  “You know. With the men who wanted to rent your boat?”

  “You don’t want to know,” she said, and I saw a tear well up in her eye. I started to push it, remembered Leonard’s advice.

  “Whatever you say,” I said.

  “Goodbye, Hap. “

  “Goodbye, Beatrice.”

  She drove away, and I thought that was the end of it.

  16

  I was in the hotel room, taking off my shoes, getting ready to lie back on my bed and rest a bit, when Leonard, who was already reclining on the other bed, said, “You know what we should do, Hap?”

  “I hope you’re not going to suggest anything sexual.”

  “Nope. I didn’t bring any of my devices with me. But, now that you mention it, we could catch a mouse and grease him up, let him run up our ass. That might be fun.”

  “We don’t have a mouse.”

  “There are little black turds next to that hole in the wall to the left of the electric socket by the TV set. So that tells me there are mice.”

  “Now you’ve piqued my excitement. But alas, we’ve nothing to grease the mouse with.”

  “You’re right. And who’s to say we can catch one? They’re pretty fast, you know.”

  “All right, I bite. What should we do?”

  “Stay.”

  “Stay? I thought you wanted to go.”

  “I wanted to get you away from that woman. Women make your head mushy. I tell you, she’s a manipulator.”

  “Not much of one. She dumped us off and went home.”

  “It would have been just a matter of time, Hap. What we ought to do is just go ahead and turn this into a vacation. Have Charlie wire us some money just like you planned. But we do it a little different. We can get a flight out of Cancun in a couple weeks, be home a few days before we’re supposed to go back to work.”

  “Don’t you want to see John?”

  “Of course. I love him. But this is our chance for a vacation. We’ve never really had one. Not a real one. Not a good one. Things we do tend to go wrong. This could be different.”

  “We’ve already been abandoned by our own cruise ship.”

  “Yeah. Well, you’re right.”

  “Cruise ships are noted for their hospitality. Their ability to deal with cantankerous assholes. Yet, somehow, you found a way to piss them off.”

  “It was just that one guy.”

  “You’ve been in a fight. You’ve been knifed. That’s not quite as good as being shot, but it ought to count for something. And your hat was destroyed.”

  “True. You’re right. It’s not a totally different kind of trip for us, is it? There’s some of the old charm still there. But the rest of it, we can make it uneventful. We get up late. We eat late. We wander around town. Maybe go fishing. Get out on the water.”

  “I don’t like water. I’ve seen all of it I want to see.”

  “We could see th
e sights. I wouldn’t even mind going back to Tulum. Wouldn’t it be nice just to hang? Nobody trying to kill us. No one beating on us. It could be rejuvenating.”

  “People do try to hurt us a lot, don’t they?”

  “On the nosey. Maybe that should tell us something.”

  “What?”

  “I’m not sure. I think we irritate people.”

  “We? You got a mouse in your pocket?”

  “If I did, we’d be in business. A dry mouse, but in business… But tell me, Hap. Doesn’t that sound like a pretty damn good idea?”

  “A dry mouse?”

  “A real vacation.”

  “You know, it doesn’t sound too bad at that.”

  Early the next morning I went downstairs and expanded our stay at the hotel to a week. I put it on the charge card, knowing full well I was working on the edge. It might not take more than a couple of pennies for it to be full.

  I didn’t want to use the hotel phone, because the prices were jacked up, so I walked down the street to the same pay phone I had called from before, dialed Charlie to let him know our plans. He seemed bored to hear I was calling. When I told him what we had in mind he wasn’t bored any longer.

  He had already raised some money, and was surprised we were staying. So was I, but I was glad to break him out of his boredom. I consider it a kind of special accomplishment to rattle Charlie.

  I told him Leonard wanted a real vacation and I felt like I owed it to him. So far, this one hadn’t been as bad as our other outings.

  Charlie agreed that it hadn’t been as bad as it sometimes gets. He also agreed to wire us the money, tell John we were all right, and explain our plans.

  On my way back to the hotel I was surprised to see Beatrice sitting in her car out front. When she saw me walking up, she got out, leaned on the hood.

  The jeans she was wearing were so tight they must have made her ankles swell. She had on a halter top that was working overtime to hold her breasts in. The sun struck her black hair and made it the color of a raven’s wing. There were little brown freckles on her shoulders I hadn’t noticed before, but now, out in the full sunlight, they showed clearly. I liked them.

  I said, “Don’t tell me this is a coincidence.”

  “I was trying to decide if I wanted to go in and ring your room. I did not expect you to be out so early.”

  “I had a phone call to make.”

  “You are not leaving already?”

  “That seems like a funny question. You know I was supposed to.”

  “Yes.”

  “Leonard and I changed our minds. We’re going to stick a few days.”

  “Good. Good. I need to talk to you.”

  “We can go upstairs,” I said.

  Leonard greeted Beatrice with as much enthusiasm as his suspicious mind could muster, and we all went downstairs together and over to a little cafe for breakfast. The cafe was fairly crowded and there was the sound of European and American voices all over the place. A cruise ship had most likely sent in its passengers on a tender. We found a table in the corner, ordered coffee and food, waited a long time for it.

  While we waited, Beatrice said, “I have had a situation arise.”

  “Oh?” said Leonard. “Really?”

  I gave him a hard look. He gave me back a dreamy smile.

  Smug sonofabitch.

  “You have problems with me?” Beatrice said.

  “I just don’t like to be fed shit and told it’s tapioca,” Leonard said. “My buddy, Hap, he don’t mind some shit for tapioca. He even gets to like it now and then.”

  “I do not understand,” Beatrice said.

  “Look, I’m not trying to be offensive,” Leonard said.

  “You are doing a very good job of it,” she said.

  “All right. Take it like you want to take it. But I think you can smell a sap good as a shark can smell blood. I think you’ve got a scam going and you’re playing him into it, which means you’re playing me into it. It happens to him, it happens to me.”

  “You think that, Hap?” Beatrice asked.

  “He’s right more than he’s wrong,” I said.

  Beatrice hung her head and stared at the table. She looked soft and cute and childlike. I wanted to reach across the table and slap Leonard.

  “Well,” Beatrice said, “I did not set out to ask you for anything. I met you by accident, you must admit that. My father and I did help you in your time of need.”

  “So now you need help?” Leonard said.

  “I do.”

  “You and about three million other women Hap knows. Not to mention guys, pets, et cetera.”

  “Ah ha,” I said. “You rescued an armadillo once.”

  “I admit it,” Leonard said. “That was another fine mess you got me into, if you’ll recall.”

  He was right. There was nothing to say.

  Our food arrived. We drank coffee and ate, waiting for Beatrice to drop the next shoe. Hopefully a very small shoe, like a flip-flop maybe. But no, that would be too easy. I figured it would be a boot. Steel-toed. Very heavy.

  She ate and we paid up and left.

  Outside she said, “Hap, can we talk?”

  “Alone, you mean?” Leonard said.

  “Yes,” she said.

  “That figures,” Leonard said. “He’s no good alone, lady. But then you know that, don’t you? Don’t ask him to do anything you wouldn’t ask me to do, because you ask him, you’re asking me.”

  “It does not have to be that way,” Beatrice said.

  “Yes it does,” Leonard said, and walked away. He called back: “I’ll be at the hotel. Crying.”

  “Will he really?” Beatrice said.

  “In a manner of speaking,” I said. “Come on, let’s walk and talk.”

  We went along the shoreline on a concrete walk. The sea was bright green, as if lit from below by an emerald light. In the distance I could see the brown line that was Cozumel and against that the horizon. The ocean stank of oil and dead fish and up close to shore there were plastic wrappers and aluminum cans washing against the blinding white sand.

  “Now that Father is injured, he cannot do any more than drive the boat.”

  “What about you?”

  “I am company.”

  “Ah. Company. To this man you told me about.”

  “Yes. This rich American and his friends. They are here in Mexico for a short time. This one who arranged it all. He wanted to fish the other day. When my father could not go out, he was ready to cancel. We would lose all the money. I tried to convince him with words to wait. To give Father just a couple of days. He could be on the boat then. He didn’t want to listen. So I convinced him with something besides words.”

  “You slept with him?”

  “If this man I slept with is a pig, the one Father owes is a butcher… It is not for me, Hap. It is for my father. If I don’t make the money, the men my father owes will kill him. They may kill me.”

  “What are you asking, Beatrice?”

  “Help me. Just for a day or two. Please.”

  Leonard said, “Once more into the breach.”

  We were sitting at the cafe again, just me and him, having coffee. Leonard was feeling pretty good. His appetite was back.

  “You know she’s just jerkin’ you?” he said.

  “Yep. I know.”

  Leonard sipped his coffee. “I don’t care she slept with this guy. That’s her choice. I don’t see that as something pathetic. You aren’t jealous, are you?”

  “We aren’t in love, if that’s what you mean. But it hurts my pride some. She slept with me, then she slept with the other guy to make sure he went fishing. Worse yet, she has a hotel room and is staying in town tonight. I doubt it’s just because she wants to be close to the sea.”

  “More favors?” Leonard asked.

  “I suppose.”

  “Maybe he was just a better lay. I bet that was it.”

  “Thanks for being concerned with my pride.�
�

  “Don’t mention it… So we’re going to be conned into being sailors.”

  “You can con me all you want, and I’m no sailor. Actually, I think she wants us to bait hooks, that kind of thing.”

  “Believe it or not, that takes skill.”

  “Aren’t you the one said you wanted to go fishing?”

  “Yeah, but I wanted someone else to bait my hook.”

  Next morning, Leonard and I arose early and couldn’t find anything open to have breakfast, so we walked on over to where Ferdinand’s boat was docked. Ferdinand’s boat was being loaded with bait by Jose.

  “I thought we were the crew,” Leonard said.

  “When it leaves dock, we are.”

  I climbed on board. I found Ferdinand on crutches. “Where is Beatrice?” he asked.

  “That is what we were wondering, senor.”

  About that time a large man and two other men came up the dock and climbed on board the boat.

  One of the men was about thirty-five, tall and stocky with close-cut blond hair and burning blue eyes. He wore a loose blue shirt and tan khaki slacks and white deck shoes.

  Right off I thought he was an asshole. I also thought he was the guy Beatrice had screwed to maintain the fishing charter. He looked too damn smug and in charge to be anyone else. The guys with him were both about his age and were dressed similarly. One was thin and had dark brown hair and a mole on the side of his face that could have been painted with eyes, mouth, and nose, and passed off as a Siamese twin.

  The other guy was a handsome, average-sized black man. I watched to see if Leonard checked him out.

  He did.

  Blondie said, “We goin’ or what?”

  Ferdinand smiled, straining at it I’m sure. He said, “Yes. We are waiting on Beatrice.”

  “Beatrice,” he said. “She’s not here?”

  “Ferdinand just said that to see if you’d ask if she’s really here,” I said.

  “Yeah,” Leonard said. “She’s hid. We’re all going to start searching the boat for her in a minute. Whoever finds her gets a gummy bear.”

  “And who are you two?”

  I wanted to tell him I was the guy that was going to throw him off the boat, but it wasn’t my boat and I was here to help, not make matters worse.