by Green, Maree
My brain started shutting down with his words. I just couldn’t seem to get my thoughts in any semblance of order. I tried to focus as he continued, but a fear like I’d never known had gripped me from the inside and was refusing to let go.
“My biggest concern at the moment is the buildup of pressure the swelling is causing. If it becomes too much, we run a risk of oxygen being restricted to the brain. The CT scans proved there isn’t any excess fluids around her brain, so I’m hopeful the swelling will start to go down soon, but as a precaution, I’ve had to insert a device called an intracranial pressure monitor to keep an eye on the pressure inside her skull. If it shows it’s becoming too much, I may have to operate to relieve it.”
His lips turned down as he watched Lillian digest his words.
“I’m afraid all we can do at this stage is wait to see which way it goes. Until that time, I’ve decided to keep her in an induced coma to help her brain rest and give her the best chance at healing.”
I sunk down onto a chair, dropping my head into my hands. A coma. How could she be in a fucking coma? The word just sounded so fucking ominous.
Lillian tried to clear her throat, but her voice was still thick with emotion. “How long will it take for the swelling to go down?”
“It can be anywhere from twenty-four to seventy-two hours. We’ll also be monitoring her with CT scans and MRI’s during that time, but Mrs. Campbell, you should know, although Mia’s responses were positive, her heartbeat still hasn’t regulated, which can indicate some form of brain damage. We’re hoping there’ll be a significant improvement with her responsiveness over the next twelve hours.”
“Can we see her?” she said, her voice almost a whisper.
The doctor looked uncomfortable. “Only immediate family.”
I closed my eyes against the pain. I needed to see her.
Lillian nodded. “I understand, but we’re all she has doctor. Mia’s a very private person, and besides her twin here, these two people are her lifeline. I would appreciate it if they were allowed to see her too.”
The cracks spread even further hearing Lillian’s words. She had it backwards though. Mia was my lifeline. Without her, I had no life.
The doctor nodded. “I’ll see what I can do. There’s only one visitor allowed at a time though, so if you’d like to see her now, I can take you up.”
Lillian nodded. “Yes, please.”
Aiden and Kaeli both returned to their seats when we got back to the waiting room, Kaeli immediately whispering in a low voice to her mom, and Aiden dropping his head into his hands. Dean and Matt sat beside him, a quiet presence of solidarity.
I knew I should join them, but I just couldn’t. I didn’t want to fucking sit calmly and wait, and I certainly didn’t want to fucking talk to anyone. Instead, I resumed pacing the floor like a caged tiger, a slow desperation building inside me.
I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to keep the tears at bay.
“Jace?”
My eyes flashed open at the sound of Mom’s voice. The worry in her eyes almost broke me. God, what was it about mothers that could make you revert to the fucking state of a child just by saying your name?
“Mark raced home as soon as he could. What happened?”
She came to stand right before me, gently resting her hand on my arm, her fingers moving in reassuring swipes. I swallowed. “I really don’t know. There was some sort of fight in the gym at school. Somehow Mia ended up in the middle of it and got knocked over and hit her head.”
Her hand tightened on my arm, her eyes clearly showing her distress. “Is she okay?” She whispered the words, afraid.
I blinked slowly, willing the tears to stay away. I didn’t want to break down in the waiting room for all to see. “Apparently she has some swelling on her brain, so they’ve put her in a coma until it goes down.” I drew in an unsteady breath, my voice only a whisper when I spoke again. “There was so much blood, Mom. That’s all I see when I close my eyes.” I met her gaze, scared. “I can’t lose her…”
She pulled me into her arms, holding me in a way I hadn’t needed in years. “You have to stay positive, sweetie.” Pulling back, she took my face in her hands and gave me a hard stare. “She’s tough right? She’ll get through this.”
I nodded and clenched my jaw hard. That was a lot easier said than done.
Movement over Mom’s shoulder caught my eye and I looked over to see one of the Grunge Guys walking in. From what I’d heard, they’d been the ones responsible for the fight breaking out, going on some fucking spree of destruction in the gym. I was instantly filled with fury.
Without another thought, I broke away from Mom and charged straight for him, grabbing him by his shirt and shoving him hard against the wall. “You motherfucking piece of shit scum! It should be you and your fucking loser friends in a coma. You and your waste of space friends just don’t give a fuck about anyone but yourselves, do you?!”
The fucking loser just smirked at me, his eyebrow twitching with amusement. I was going to fucking kill him.
A set of hands clutched onto my shoulders, and another came to press against my chest, trying to push me back. “Come on, man,” Dean’s voice rasped in my ear. “Don’t do this here. If they throw you out, you won’t get to see Mia.”
I felt scuffling beside me as more bodies surrounded me. The scum’s smirk grew wider. “Yeah, Jace…walk away.”
That did it. I was going to punch him. I leaned back, ready to give him one, but then a hand reached over my shoulder and grabbed the loser by the neck. “You fucking asshole!” Aiden’s voice was full of hate.
More shoving came from behind me as the guys tried to move Aiden back, but his desire to flatten the scum bag only urged me on. I could hear Mom’s voice somewhere behind me begging me to stop. I wanted to listen to her, but my fury was too much to contain.
Swinging my elbow around, I smashed it into the side of his jaw. The jostling became more forceful, pulling me back away from him, but I resisted, shoving harder, my thirst for revenge turning me into a fucking animal. I wanted him to pay for what happened to Mia.
Mr. Thomas was beside me then, forcing his way between me and the scum of the earth, his voice loud and commanding. “Jace, stop! This isn’t the way to fix things.”
I growled. “Yeah, but it’ll make me fucking feel better.”
“Walk away!” He barked.
Giving in, I surrendered to their shoving and let them guide me to the far side of the room. Aiden shook Matt off and stalked off back to his seat. I watched him rub his hand over his face, his expression empty.
Moving over to sink down beside him, I leant forward and rested my forearms on my knees, my breath coming fast with adrenalin. We sat in silence for a little while, the both of us staring at nothing on ground, trying to calm down.
“I’m glad you at least got one good hit in,” he said quietly.
I grunted. “Wasn’t enough.”
He nodded in agreement.
“Do you feel anything?” I asked, not knowing if I really wanted the answer.
His jaw clenched slightly before he slowly shook his head. “Nothing.” He swallowed hard, fighting the emotion like I was. “I just feel lost – kind of empty…”
My heart contracted painfully. Mia had told me their twintuition thing was scary accurate. I hoped to fucking god what Aiden was feeling wasn’t what Mia was feeling.
Chapter 41
Jace
As soon as I stepped into Mia’s room I knew my chances of holding myself together were slim to none.
I literally could not fucking breathe as I took in all the monitors, tubes and wires. I’d been told putting her into a coma more or less shut her brain down, so I knew the machines were necessary to keep her alive, but seeing the tube down her throat like that, rhythmically pumping air into her lungs, almost crippled me.
Taking a deep, shuddering breath, I cautiously moved to the side of the bed and looked down at her.
With her
eyes softly closed like that, she almost looked like she could be asleep. She appeared so incredibly peaceful and serene. Her hair had been pulled to one side and plaited, leaving it trailing over her shoulder and breast like a long, black rope. Her skin color looked better than when I’d seen her back in the gym too.
Those little things gave me hope. They gave me something to focus on and cling to. Drawing the chair closer to her bedside, I lowered myself down and gently reached for her hand. Again, the warmth I felt gave me the relief I was seeking.
I tried to look past the tubes and the thick, bulky bandage wrapped around her head, but with the sound of the beeping monitors and the whooshing of the air compressing machine, it was futile.
“Mia? Baby? I need you to wake up…” I exhaled slowly. “Fuck. I don’t know what I’m saying. I don’t know what I’m doing. I just…I need you to be okay. Please be okay, baby. I only just found you…you can’t leave me yet…”
I pressed the back of her hand to my forehead and squeezed my eyes shut. As I uttered those words, I felt the final cracks spread deep within me, and I broke. A sob escaped me, and this time I didn’t try to stop it.
***
It was well after midnight and sleep was the furthest thing from my mind. I sat on my bed with my guitar on my lap, and a notepad and pen strewn out before me.
After we’d all had a visit with Mia, the doctor had suggested we go home and get some rest. It felt wrong to leave her there. I even refused to go at first, but Mom had convinced me it was best. Logically, I knew she was right. The doctor wasn’t even considering waking her up until all comprehensive tests had been done, but the thought of her being alone made me feel sick.
It didn’t help that my mind was suddenly being flooded by music and lyrics. It was the only way I could expel all the emotion that had built up inside me over the past twelve hours. Even though it was heartbreaking, it felt good to pour everything I felt out like that.
The song I ended up with wasn’t like anything I’d ever written before. It was love. It was heartache. It was longing. It was a little piece of my soul.
And it belonged to Mia.
Just after two o’clock, I finally put my guitar down and went to sleep.
Chapter 42
Mia
I could hear music.
It was faint, only a soft noise in the breeze, but it was beautiful. The voice that sung along with it though was filled with pain. There was so much emotion in each word it made my heart ache. I wanted to reach out to whoever he was and hold him. Take away his pain and replace it with happiness.
When the music ended I wanted to cry. I didn’t want it to stop. In the never-ending darkness that surrounded me, it felt like the only thing that kept me anchored. Without it, I was scared I would float away and become lost.
A voice broke through the silence. A broken, husky sound that made me sad.
“Please be okay, baby. Please come back to me…”
I knew he was speaking to me. I don’t know why, because his voice didn’t sound familiar, but it felt right.
I tried to hold onto it, cling to his sweet voice, but the darkness was too heavy, and I felt myself slipping under again.
Chapter 43
Jace
Aiden gazed at me from the other side of the waiting room.
The small waiting room at the end of Mia’s ward was a much better option than the huge sterile one down in the ER. It was friendlier. More comfortable and warm, not to mention closer to Mia’s room. Even better was the fact that Aiden and I were the only ones in it.
Sitting with one foot on the coffee table and my guitar on my lap, I glanced up at him. I’d woken just after six that morning. Knowing I wasn’t going to get any more sleep than that, I packed up my guitar and went straight to the hospital. I had to wait an hour or so for visiting hours to open, but as soon as they did, I was there.
I played Mia the song I wrote the night before, singing it over and over again until my emotions became too much. After that I just sat with her and talked until Lillian and Aiden arrived.
Thumbing over the strings, I drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly.
“You write another song?” Aiden asked quietly.
I met his gaze and held it, nodding slightly. “Yeah, last night. Couldn’t sleep.”
He nodded too. It seemed to be the best way to communicate when emotions had a grip on your throat.
“Do you want to hear it?” I wasn’t sure why I asked. I wasn’t sure why I wanted to share it. I thought it might be because if anyone could possibly understand what I was feeling, it would be him.
Surprise flickered in his eyes. Probably because I’d been holding the last song I’d written so close to my chest. “Yeah, I do.”
I swallowed. I knew if I did this, I would be sharing everything I felt for Mia with him. That was a hard thing to let go of. I’d only just shared my feelings with Mia four days ago. It was still so new.
Taking a breath, I adjusted my gaze to the window, fixating on the sky outside. I knew I wouldn’t be able to do it if I looked at him.
Strumming a few chords to gather some courage, I paused for a beat or two then began.
The first few notes rang out in the quietness of the room. They were soft and soothing, slow and haunting. The opening verse expressed the surprise and confusion I’d felt the first time I’d been with Mia in Aspen, then it gradually morphed, just like my feelings for her had, telling the story of how I grew to need her, to cherish her, and eventually, to love her.
The chorus spoke of her being my muse and my air, and how I didn’t need anything else but her. She was my angel and I wasn’t going to let her go.
The closing verse was the hardest. It was the now. It was all about my fear, my sorrow, the fact that I was holding my breath until she could give me one of hers. It was a declaration of love, a pledge to find her if she was lost, even though I was the one who actually needed saving.
It was hard to get through, and my voice told him just how much, but even I had to admit, it was beautiful. It was pure in all its glory, and it was the only way I knew how to express to her how much she meant to me.
She was my muse, so that’s what I was calling the song. Muse.
Letting the last note hang in the air, the song slowly came to an end. I was almost frightened to look back at Aiden. I felt completely transparent, my heart exposed and raw.
Taking a deep breath, I forced my gaze to where he was sitting. That was when I noticed the three figures standing in the doorway behind him. One by one I met the gazes of my mom, Lillian, and Mr. Thomas, and both Lillian and Mom had tears in their eyes.
Aiden turned to see what I was looking at before turning back to look at me. He gazed at me silently for a little while, then without a word, he pushed to his feet and left the room.
***
Mia spent most of the day having tests. Aiden, Kaeli and I either spent our time in the waiting room, or outside on the hospital grounds. I wasn’t sure why, but Mom had spent the majority of the day sitting and talking with Lillian and Mr. Thomas.
When Aiden and I finally made it back up to the waiting room, Mr. Thomas excused himself and I found out what they’d been discussing.
Lillian turned her attention to the both of us. “We need to talk.”
My heart started beating a painful, random pattern as anxiety crept in.
“You need to get back to the recording studio-”
“No way. I’m not-” Aiden started.
“Don’t,” Lillian interrupted him with a hard look. “Just listen. You’re both adults now, and although most of us don’t have to make these kinds of difficult decisions until later in life, you do. You both signed legally binding contracts to record this album, and while you might be willing to deal with those consequences as an individual, you don’t have the right to make that decision for the whole band.”
She paused, watching us, gauging our reactions. Aiden’s body language was still defensive, as I�
�m sure, was mine.
“Now, that being said,” she continued. “I know you’re both consumed with what’s happening with Mia, and you’re probably thinking there’s no way you could focus enough to play properly, but you’re wrong. Jace, you proved that by playing that song this morning. It was beautiful by the way. It would embarrass Mia of course, but she’d love it.”
Aiden sighed. “Mom, that’s different, and you know it. How can we possibly perform at our best when our thoughts are with Mia? We’d sound like crap. Besides, I want to be here for her. What if something happened while we were off playing fucking music? I’d never forgive myself.”
She frowned, almost scowling at us. “For starters, nothing’s going to happen while she’s being kept under. And as far as sounding like crap…that’s crap. You can use your emotions - use the situation to your advantage. Take all those emotions you both have bottled up inside you and let it out through your music. I know you’ve done it before. Do you think Mia would be happy you’re both sitting here wasting this opportunity? You know she wouldn’t.”
She sighed. “Look…Dr. Sanders said they’re still going to keep her under for at least another day, so you’ve got time to get in and do it. Do it for Mia. Make something that she can listen to when she wakes up, knowing it was her that drove you to play so hard.”
I looked at Aiden. She gave a fucking convincing case, but I was still scared to be away from her. I was petrified that if I didn’t show her I was here for her, she would slip further away and not come back. There was a part of me that felt like I needed to keep talking to her, keep singing to her, give her something to focus on, give her direction to make it back to me.