by Doctor Who
The Doctor was gazing at the wall screens, too, lapping up all the information. His eyes flicked from screen to screen, comparing the different sets of data. One screen showed a complex bar graph all in different colours, another, which held the Doctor’s attention, showed some kind of blobby spaceship out in space.
It looked, thought
Martha, like a giant, spiky peach, the spikes all kinds of guns and space weaponry.
‘That’s beautiful!’ enthused the Doctor.
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‘The pirate vessel?’ asked the captain – like Martha, she thought it really ugly. A spherical pod jutting from the front of the peach seemed to be the badger pirates’ bridge and living quarters, and two small bumps on either side of the peach looked like nippy little engines.
From the back, there was what looked like a frozen plume of spray, hundreds of tiny droplets frozen in an instant. Martha realised with a start that each droplet was a boarding capsule, like the one that had brought Archibald, Dashiel and Jocelyn aboard.
‘No,’ laughed the Doctor. ‘The stasis wave in between us and the ship. Seen a few of’em in my time, of course. But that one’s just a corker.’
The captain, the handsome man beside her and Martha all scrutinised the wall screen that showed the pirate ship.
‘I can’t see anything,’ said Martha.
‘No?’ said the Doctor. ‘Try these?’ He handed her his glasses. She put them on, but everything was a blur.
‘I think,’ said Martha, handing him back the glasses, ‘this is going to be one of those last-of-the-you-know-what things.’
‘Nah,’ said the Doctor. ‘You just need to widen your perspective.
Captain, you wanna set your screens to show Kodicek fluctuations of zero point one and bigger.’
The captain nodded to the slender brunette working at the horseshoe of computers, who worked one of the controls. There was a gasp from those watching the screens. Where the pirate ship and its plume of boarding vessels had looked frozen in time, now they could see it caught in the tendrils of a twinkling, pink-blue haze. The computers added lines through the haze, like the pattern iron filings made around a magnet.
‘We’re at the heart of it,’ explained the Doctor, pointing out how the contours were packed more closely together nearer their own position. ‘They’re just on the periphery.’ When no one responded he added, ‘That just means the edge.’
‘And it’s atemporal mismatch?’ asked the captain. It was funny, thought Martha, but there was something about the Doctor that people always trusted, especially those in authority. He had a way of 97
talking to them at their level. No, it wasn’t trust, she realised. They saw he could be useful, like he could do their homework for them.
‘Yeah,’ said the Doctor. ‘At least, it’s your computers’ representation of it. You find yourself facing the stuff close up, it looks like cold scrambled egg. And feels a lot like it, too.’
‘Suggestions?’ the captain asked her crew, as if retaking charge.
Martha could see the Doctor torn between butting in with the right answer and hearing what the humans had to say.
‘Some kind of temporal leak,’ suggested the brunette. ‘A side effect of the drive.’
‘Perhaps the pirate ship is just occupying the point of space-time we wanted to pass through,’ said another.
‘Or they’ve got some kind of repulsion device that negates the effects of the drive,’ said someone else.
The captain considered these suggestions, then turned to the Doctor. ‘I suppose you have your own ideas?’ she asked.
‘Oh yeah,’ said the Doctor. ‘But you were all doing so well!’ And then he knotted his eyebrows together. ‘I’m sorry, I don’t know your name.’
‘I’m Captain Georgina Wet-Eleven, Second Mid Dynasty.’
‘Hello Captain Georgina,’ said the Doctor, shaking her warmly by the hand. ‘I’m the Doctor and this is my friend –’
‘Thank you,’ said Captain Georgina sourly. ‘I got your names before.’
She glanced quickly at Martha. Martha, not really sure what else to do, rolled her eyes, as if the Doctor was always like this. Which he was. But the gesture didn’t seem to go down too well with the captain, who remained entirely stony faced. Martha felt a bit silly.
‘I’m waiting, Doctor,’ Captain Georgina said. ‘You were going to explain what happened.’
‘Oh yeah, that,’ said the Doctor airily. ‘Well let’s start from first principles. You were flying along, minding your own business, and then these pirates attacked you.’
‘Correct,’ said Captain Georgina.
‘Only,’ said the Doctor, ‘you’ve got this clever new drive you can use, so you give the order.’
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‘It hadn’t been tested before,’ said the captain. ‘But in the circumstances it seemed the best thing to do.’
‘Well, yeah,’ said the Doctor. He leaned forward, speaking softly.
‘You’ve got the safety of the passengers to think about, haven’t you, captain?’
The captain snorted, wrinkling her nose at him prettily. ‘What are you insinuating?’ she said.
‘Me?’ said the Doctor. ‘Nothing. I wouldn’t know how. Anyway, you stick the drive on as quick as you can – but not before one pirate capsule has already got here. And there’s a whopping great bang and you’re all stuck in this room. Yeah?’
‘What makes you think that we’re stuck in the room?’ said Captain Georgina.
‘Oh,’ said the Doctor, glancing back at the wall of cold scrambled egg that blocked the door back out to the sleeping quarters. ‘Er, have you tried the doors?’
The man with the moustache who had first accosted them went over to the doors. He prodded then punched then shot at the wall of cold scrambled egg. It did not yield to him.
‘We’re trapped!’ he said, with that same note of whinging that Martha had noticed before. He might look all handsome, she thought, but he’d drive you mad as a boyfriend.
‘Phew,’ said the Doctor. ‘That could have been embarrassing.’
‘What is this material?’ asked Captain Georgina, her eyes narrowed with concern.
‘Well,’ said the Doctor.
‘It stops you getting out the door,’ said Martha.
The Doctor laughed. ‘You and your technical explanations!’ he said.
‘I see,’ said Captain Georgina. ‘But that is hardly a problem. The transmat remains operational.’ She indicated the booth in one corner of the room, the twin of the one Martha had seen all that time ago in the starship’s engine rooms.
‘Doctor!’ she said, stopping herself from saying more, that now they could get back to the TARDIS. Captain Georgina didn’t need to know such detail.
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‘Yes,’ said the Doctor. ‘Have you tried the transmat in the last day or so?’ he asked the captain.
‘I used it this morning,’ said the handsome man with the moustache.
‘I noted no discrepancies or errors.’ He couldn’t help, though, glancing down at himself just to check that he was all there. Martha shuddered at the thought of what would happen if there was a problem when you were in the middle of transmatting yourself somewhere.
‘Oh,’ said the Doctor, looking confused. ‘That’s a bit of a surprise. I thought it wouldn’t be working.’
But a thought had struck Martha. ‘How long’s it been since the pirates attacked?’
The pretty brunette checked the read-out on the screen in front of her. ‘Four minutes and fourteen seconds,’ she said.
The Doctor was grinning at Martha. ‘Oh, that’s brilliant,’ he said to her. ‘We’re in a different pocket of time because of the wall of scrambled egg. So it’s been hours and hours for the rest of the ship, and just four minutes. . . twenty-two seconds up here!’
‘Which is why they haven’t checked the doors or whether the transmat works,’ said Martha.
‘You’re saying,’ said Captain Georgina gra
vely, ‘that we’re sand-banked in time?’
‘Oh, good analogy!’ cooed the Doctor. ‘I’m adding that one to the list. Yes, the Brilliant is sand-banked in time, and so it’s like the rest of the universe is frozen. Which is what you see on your screens. In fact, they’re just carrying on as usual and you’re the ones who look like you disappeared.’
The crew considered this. ‘It could offer a major tactical advantage,’
suggested the handsome man.
‘Possibly,’ said the captain.
‘Well not really,’ said the Doctor. ‘You can’t move like this, can you?
Can’t do anything, really. Except make conversation and eat canapés.’
‘Have you got any canapés?’ Martha asked the handsome man with the handlebar moustache.
‘Not here,’ he told her. ‘But they have them in the cocktail lounge.
Which apparently we can’t get to.’
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‘No,’ said Martha. ‘Sorry about that. I’m Martha by the way.’
‘Thomas,’ said the handsome man. ‘Er. Aide-to-Captain Thomas Five-Shoelace, Slow Station Settlement.’
‘Aw,’ said the Doctor. ‘I’ve been to Slow Station. Did the thing of jumping off the orbital tower and free-falling to the surface!’
‘I think everyone does that,’ said Thomas.
‘All right,’ said Captain Georgina, impatiently. ‘I think your explanation matches the available evidence and what we know about the experimental drive. Even if it is unusual.’
‘Yeah well,’ said the Doctor. ‘Experimental drives don’t act like you expect them to. That’s why they’re experimental.’
‘Thank you, Doctor,’ said the captain. ‘My main concern is what we do to free ourselves from the sand-bank.’
‘Ah well,’ said the Doctor. ‘Strictly speaking, you don’t.’
Captain Georgina was about to ask him why not when there was a crash from the wall of cold scrambled egg.
Three rough-looking, space-suited, helmeted figures charged through the eggy material and came clattering onto the bridge. Their spacesuits were battered and battle-worn, with a skull and crossbones daubed on each of their chests. It took a moment for Martha to recognise the three badger pirates, because they’d put on their helmets.
‘Doctor!’ said Dashiel, his voice echoing because of the helmet. ‘Fort you must ’ave died!’
‘Sorry to disappoint you,’ said the Doctor. ‘How long have you been waiting for us?’
‘Er,’ said Dashiel. ‘Dunno. Coupla days.’
‘Sorry,’ said the Doctor. ‘Got chatting.’
‘Who are these people?’ asked Captain Georgina, maintaining an impressive air of calm. No, thought Martha, the captain was sneering at the intruders, like they weren’t good enough to be in the same room. Around her, Martha saw, the other humans had raised their own elegant, little guns.
‘Well,’ said the Doctor. ‘They used to be pirates, but we’ve been having words. That’s Dashiel, Jocelyn and Archibald.’
‘Allo,’ said Archibald, waving a hairy paw.
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‘I see,’ said Captain Georgina. ‘They do seem to be carrying guns.’
‘Oh yeah,’ said the Doctor. ‘But don’t worry about that. I disarmed them hours ago –’
As he spoke, Thomas erupted in a plume of brilliant pink light.
He had barely enough time to scream before he had been entirely consumed.
‘Ah,’ said the Doctor, scratching at his jaw. ‘That really shouldn’t have happened.’
‘They started workin’ again,’ Dashiel explained, as he shot the brunette who still worked at the horseshoe of computers.
‘Oh yeah,’ said the Doctor. ‘I should have thought of that. The loop affects the guns as well.’
‘Fire at will!’ cried Captain Georgina. ‘Repel the invaders!’
‘Wait!’ cried the Doctor. ‘Wait!’
One of the uniformed men dived forward, firing his elegant little gun into the attacking badgers. A blast of bright white energy smashed into Dashiel, hurling him back into the wall of scrambled egg. His broken body lay steaming on the ground.
‘Huh,’ said Archibald as he fired back at the uniformed man. The man was consumed in pink light. Archibald and Jocelyn ran forward, using the horseshoe of computers as cover while they fought the rallying humans.
‘Oh, this is just silly!’ said the Doctor. He grabbed Martha’s hand and they rushed to the only other shelter – the transmat booth set into the wall. The door opened easily, and the Doctor locked it after them with his sonic screwdriver.
‘You’ve got to stop them!’ said Martha.
The Doctor was watching the fire fight closely. Captain Georgina and her men were caught with nowhere to hide. They fought back valiantly, but it was easy for Archibald and Jocelyn to pick them off one by one. Martha felt a little dizzy, her eyes blinded by so much brilliant pink and white light.
Yet the Doctor seemed to find it all fascinating. ‘How did they get through the wall?’ he asked, as if watching some scientific experiment and not a room of people being killed.
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‘Doctor, they’re wiping each other out!’ said Martha.
‘Oh yeah,’ said the Doctor easily. ‘They’re bound to. But then they’ll just wake up again.’ He turned to look at her, then seemed more taken by the controls of the transmat. ‘That’s funny,’ he said.
‘Oh, it’s hilarious,’ muttered Martha as she watched another couple of uniformed men eaten up by pink light. There was just Captain Georgina and one of her men left, curled up close to the far side of the horseshoe of computers, just out of sight of the badgers.
‘Thomas was right,’ said the Doctor, still scrutinising the transmat controls. ‘This hasn’t been used in hours. You couldn’t use it anyway.
The delay between the two booths would just tear you apart. No way out, I’m afraid.’
‘Doctor!’ said Martha through gritted teeth, as Archibald reached round the horseshoe to shoot the man beside Captain Georgina.
‘Well that is funny,’ said the Doctor. ‘Because when we were down in the engine rooms, something was trying to get through. Which means, since Thomas went and came back again already, that whoever we saw arriving hasn’t set off from here yet.’ He seemed to notice Martha wasn’t paying him any attention, and looked back at the fighting.
Jocelyn and Archibald were creeping round the sides of the horseshoe of computers, while Captain Georgina, alone now, waited for them to reach her. She cradled the elegant little gun in her hands.
After a moment Martha realised she wasn’t just cradling it, she was working controls in the handle.
‘Gotcha!’ said Archibald, leaping out at her and firing.
From the far side of the computers, Jocelyn was leaping too, keen not to miss out on the kill.
But before the pink energy hit Captain Georgina she exploded in white light.
The blast tore through the horseshoe of computers, screens and keyboards shattering all around. Jocelyn disappeared behind the explosions. Archibald’s body was sent tumbling across the room, so that he smashed into the door of the transmat booth and lay still. Martha reached for the handle of the door, but it wouldn’t open.
‘I have to help him,’ she said quietly.
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‘You can in a minute,’ said the Doctor, busy again with the controls of the transmat.
‘They’ve killed each other,’ said Martha so quietly she barely heard herself.
The Doctor turned to her, put a hand on her shoulder. ‘Yes,’ he said.
‘But they’ll be fine again in a minute.’
‘But they’ll just get up and start fighting again,’ she said. ‘It’s so stupid!’
‘I know,’ said the Doctor gently, his eyes looking deeply into hers.
And then he grinned. ‘Which is why we’ll have to be really clever if we’re going stop them.’
‘Oh,’ she said. ‘You’ve got a plan.
’
‘Yes,’ he said. ‘And, even if I say so myself, it’s really quite a good one.’
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TheDoctorpointedthesonicscrewdriveratthedoorofthetransmat booth, and with a click the door unlocked. The moment it opened, Martha was assaulted by an appalling stink of death and burnt fabric.
She stepped carefully over Archibald’s smoking body, following the Doctor over to the smashed and still burning horseshoe of computers.
She glanced back and Archibald’s body had vanished. Martha knew he’d be coming back, that all the humans and badgers would be resurrected. And yet it didn’t make her feel any less sick at having watched them slaughter one other. She felt again the cold steel blade that had killed her earlier that day. The time loop on the Brilliant brought them back from the dead, but it didn’t stop violence and pain.
The Doctor fussed with the horseshoe of computers, the keyboards and screens all suddenly just as they had been before the badgers attacked. Then, happy with whatever he’d done, he collected up the scattered guns and weapons and set to work on them with the sonic screwdriver. He had that serious, single-minded look in his eyes he often got when tinkering.
‘Anything I can do?’ she asked.
‘Um,’ he said, glancing quickly round. ‘Don’t think so. But it’s nice of you to ask.’
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She stuck her hands in the pockets of her jeans and walked slowly round the horseshoe of computers. For all she was bored, she had the eerie feeling of all sorts of activity going on wherever she wasn’t quite looking. There were bodies and wreckage strewn across the floor, but she’d glance away and then it would be tidy. It was just easier to close her eyes and count slowly up to ten.
When she opened them, everything was better. The bridge was clean and gleaming, the mess all taken care of. In front of the door blocked by the wall of scrambled egg sat the human crew and the three badger pirates. The badgers took off their helmets. Archibald waved at her with a hairy paw.