by Doctor Who
Beside him sat Thomas, the handsome man with the handlebar moustache. His uniform had charred and torn in a way which made him even more good-looking. Thomas tried to punch Archibald on the end of his wet black nose, but his fist struck what seemed to be an invisible wall of rubber, and bounced back to smack himself hard in the face.
‘Oh yeah,’ said the Doctor, still busy with what had once been a heap of guns. ‘You want to look out for that. I’ve messed with your wall of electricity and now it’s not going to kill you. But you’ll stay in your individual little pockets of it until you promise to behave.’
‘Promise!’ said Archibald immediately.
The Doctor adjusted a control and Archibald scampered free, joining Martha and the Doctor at the computers.
‘But that’s not fair!’ protested Captain Georgina, as if he’d confiscated her sweets.
‘Life’s not fair,’ Martha told her. ‘Didn’t your mother tell you?’
‘Doctor,’ said Captain Georgina gravely, completely ignoring Martha. ‘You must be aware that the penalty for hijacking a starship is summary execution.’
The Doctor didn’t even look up from his work on the former guns.
So Martha took it on herself to answer for them both. ‘You already killed us,’ she said. ‘So I think we’re even, yeah?’
The captain held Martha’s gaze, her eyes blazing with purest fury.
‘You,’ said Captain Georgina. ‘Will. Release. Me. Now.’ She spoke 106
so carefully, so calmly, with such menace that it gave Martha goose bumps.
‘Sorry,’ said the Doctor airily. He finished whatever he’d made from the guns and came round the side of the horseshoe of computers to address his prisoners. ‘Look, we got off to a bad start before. You seemed to be under the impression that you lot were in charge.’ He grinned. ‘Now are you going to play nicely?’
Dashiel and Jocelyn both promised to behave and were duly released. The humans, taking their lead from Captain Georgina, sat where they were saying nothing. They looked, thought Martha, like a row of big sulky children.
‘You’re just going to leave them on the naughty step?’ asked Martha.
‘Have you got a better idea?’ asked the Doctor, busy with his work.
‘We could kill ’em,’ suggested Dashiel.
‘That is a possibility,’ said the Doctor. ‘But let’s not, eh? Why don’t you tell me how you three got in here? You’ve not got sonic screwdrivers, have you?’
‘Nah,’ said Dashiel. ‘Archie told us what we ’ad to do.’
‘Yeah,’ said Archie proudly. ‘You said. Vibrations.’ He pronounced the last word carefully, like he was worried he might break it.
‘Well, technically,’ said the Doctor, ‘it’s resonance, but we’ll let that pass. So what did you do?’
‘Told Gabriel to make it vibrate,’ said Jocelyn.
‘And he just did as he was told?’ asked Martha. She had learnt Gabriel had a very literal mind, and you needed to ask him things precisely.
‘Nah,’ said Archibald. ‘He din’t. So we asked Mrs Wingsworth.’
‘I see,’ said the Doctor. ‘Clever.’
‘We ’ad to say “please” and “thank you”,’ explained Dashiel. ‘But then she told the robot.’
‘You see?’ said the Doctor. ‘You just have to ask nicely.’
‘Yeah,’ said Dashiel, his eyes full of wonder at this amazing strategy.
‘So Gabriel, what, vibrated,’ said Martha, ‘and then you could all get through?’
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‘He made a thing like yours,’ explained Dashiel, pointing to the Doctor’s top pocket, where he kept the sonic screwdriver. ‘Made from broken guns.’
‘He’s a smart cookie, that Gabriel,’ said the Doctor. ‘Your guns are full of all sorts of aiming and power accessories. You know what I’ve just made out of them?’
‘No,’ said Dashiel.
The Doctor showed them the peculiar hotchpotch of wires and cir-cuits he’d been working on when they awoke. ‘It’ll be a Teasmade when it’s finished.’
Martha wanted to laugh at the looks on the badgers’ faces – they were so impressed with everything. And the Doctor just lived to show off the whole time, so they made the perfect audience.
‘Do you even know what a Teasmade is?’ she asked them.
‘Er,’ said Dashiel, ‘no.’
‘Makes tea?’ asked Archibald.
‘That’s right,’ said the Doctor.
‘Tea is good,’ Archibald explained to his comrades.
‘And if I can get the timer to work,’ explained the Doctor, ‘you can set it in advance. So you put it on before you go to bed and it wakes you in the morning with a fresh cup of tea.’
‘But won’t the guns just repair themselves when the loop works?’
asked Martha.
‘Maybe,’ said the Doctor. ‘But I’m hoping the ship will recognise that I’ve made them into something more useful.’
The badgers nodded, wide-eyed at this genius. Then Dashiel put out a hairy paw and touched the back of the Doctor’s hand. ‘We fort you’d been killed,’ he said. He spoke gruffly, trying to cover up the real feeling in his voice. Despite everything they’d been through, despite all the pirates had done, Martha felt her heart go out to them.
‘You came to rescue us,’ she said.
‘Yeah,’ said Archibald. ‘Kind of.’
‘You came to avenge our deaths,’ said the Doctor more sternly.
‘Yeah,’ said Dashiel.
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‘But you know better than that, don’t you,’ said the Doctor. ‘Is re-venge a good thing or a bad thing?’
‘Good!’ said Archibald with enthusiasm. Dashiel nudged him in the ribs. ‘Er, bad,’ said Archibald.
‘But why?’ said Martha to Dashiel and Jocelyn. ‘Last time I saw you, you wanted me dead.’
‘Yeah,’ said Jocelyn. ‘Sorry ’bout that.’
‘But Archie said,’ explained Dashiel. ‘How you’re good. How you let us eat the food.’
‘An’ we were bored,’ added Archie. ‘What?’ he said, when Dashiel nudged him again.
‘You’re not really taking their side over ours, are you?’ said Captain Georgina from over by the wall of scrambled egg. She had got to her feet and stood with her hands pressed against the invisible rubber wall, so that she looked like she was performing some not very am-bitious mime. The humans were all beautiful, well-toned and glamorous, but imprisoned they all looked awkward and unsure, and a bit silly. ‘They’re stupid, clumsy animals,’ Captain Georgina continued.
‘And they smell disgusting.’
The badgers bristled. ‘We’re not stupid,’ said Dashiel.
‘Now, now,’ said the Doctor to the captain, wagging his index finger at her. ‘That’s not very nice is it? Look where your airs and graces have got you so far.’
‘What do you mean?’ asked Captain Georgina. ‘These things are made to be inferior.’
‘Yeah,’ admitted Dashiel, shrugging.
‘I don’t understand,’ said Martha. ‘You mean this lot made the badgers?’
‘Well, not this lot specifically,’ the Doctor told her. ‘Your lot generally. Humans. You didn’t think it odd what the badgers are wearing?
Uniforms with a skull and crossbones. Human skulls. Shows who’s really in charge.’
Martha couldn’t believe her ears. ‘You mean they’re slaves,’ she said.
‘Like the mouthless men down in the engine rooms?’
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‘Oh, they don’t call them slaves,’ said the Doctor. ‘But you need someone to do the dirty work for you. You get into space and it’s no longer immigrants but Ood and Monoids and Vocs.’ He gestured towards Captain Georgina and her staff. ‘And then this lot are growing their own. Hands in the engine rooms who won’t answer back and badgers to do all their thieving.’
‘It’s disgusting,’ said Martha.
‘We did not make the badgers!’ Captain Ge
orgina protested.
‘No,’ said the Doctor, darkly. ‘But your species did. Some rival gang or faction from just down the street. Someone who’s seen the war coming.’
‘Yeah,’ said Jocelyn. Dashiel glared at her.
‘We dun’t talk ’bout the client,’ said Archibald. ‘It’s con-fiderr-shawl.’
Again he spoke the last word with great care.
‘Oh that’s right,’ said the Doctor. ‘You’ve gotta protect your clients.
Imagine how embarrassed they’d be if anyone found out what they were up to!’
‘Yeah,’ said Dashiel, though he didn’t seem quite sure what he had just agreed with. Martha could see his brain struggling to understand.
‘They don’t own you,’ she told him. ‘No one owns anyone.’
‘Hah!’ laughed Dashiel, and then his eyes narrowed as he realised it wasn’t a joke.
‘How can something like this happen?’ she asked the Doctor. ‘How can it be allowed to happen?’
‘You really want to know?’ asked the Doctor.
‘No,’ said Dashiel earnestly.
‘Yes,’ said Martha. ‘We have to face this stuff.’
‘People like this lot,’ said the Doctor, waving a hand at the imprisoned human crew and not quite including Martha with them, ‘live like the whole universe is there solely for their entertainment. They trash their own planet and, despite years of evidence and warnings, all kinds of species die out.’
‘Badgers,’ said Jocelyn quietly.
‘Yeah,’ the Doctor admitted. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘S’OK,’ said Jocelyn.
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‘But not all the humans were the same,’ said the Doctor. ‘There are ones who were different and cared. And they did their best to gather loads of DNA records and set up a library of all the extinct species they could. One day, they said, humanity would know better and then they could recreate all the wildlife.’
‘So why didn’t they?’ asked Martha. ‘Why not make the badgers like badgers used to be?’
‘Ah,’ said the Doctor. ‘On some worlds they did. But not on very many.’
‘Ain’t no profit, is there?’ said Dashiel, shrugging.
‘They were much more useful as badger-human mixes,’ said the Doctor. ‘Then they could be sent out to work.’
‘That’s. . . ’ said Martha. ‘It’s so bad I don’t know what it is.’
‘It’s market forces,’ stated Captain Georgina, from over by the door.
‘These three,’ said the Doctor, indicating the badgers, ‘get their genes from the Western European badger, like the ones you’d get in England. Dies out in your lifetime.’ He grinned. The Latin name for the Western European badger is Meles meles meles. I always liked that one! So I guess the human/badger mash-up would be Homo sapiens sapiens meles meles meles!’ Martha just eyed him wearily. ‘Oh,’ said the Doctor. ‘Well, I think that’s funny, even if no one else does.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Martha told the badgers. She thought of the miserable lives that these badger pirates had had, where simple things like cheese and tea seemed like amazing wonders.
‘She’s right though,’ said Dashiel, gesturing towards Captain Georgina. ‘We ain’t as good as them.’
‘See?’ said Captain Georgina. They know that we’re better. So it’s not right to keep us locked up.’
‘Better?’ laughed the Doctor. ‘They caught you in their spaceship, despite your clever disguise. They stopped you before you could use the experimental drive. And now they’re free and you’re not. So who’s got most points?’
Captain Georgina glowered at him, but she said nothing further.
‘What disguise?’ asked Martha. ‘You said they had a disguise.’
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‘Oh,’ said the Doctor. The Brilliant isn’t a luxury cruiser. The crew here clearly don’t give a stuff about the passengers. It’s the robots that are programmed to look after them.’
‘It’s a cover,’ said Martha, horrified. ‘You were using them as a shield. It’s just about the experimental drive!’
‘That is a security issue,’ said Captain Georgina testily. She seemed small and impotent where she stood, the cage that held her not even visible. ‘I can neither confirm nor deny the allegation.’
‘Bet you wouldn’t have tested the experimental drive if the passengers had been humans,’ said the Doctor.
Captain Georgina bridled at this. ‘There’s a war coming,’ she said.
‘Billions of people’s lives are at stake. There have to be priorities.’
‘As long as they’re not your sort,’ Martha said to her, utterly disgusted.
‘ Our sort,’ corrected Captain Georgina. ‘You’re humans, too.’
‘Lucky us,’ said Martha. The Doctor ignored the captain, busy again with the controls. Martha, though, couldn’t turn her back on the captain. She felt she had to stare her down, making her look away first.
As if that would somehow win the moral point.
‘I don’t like it either, but it had to be done,’ said Captain Georgina eventually. And she looked away.
Martha joined the Doctor and Dashiel at the horseshoe of computers. Dashiel seemed transfixed by the screen that showed the spiky, peach-shaped pirate spaceship. ‘Can we call the Mandelbrot from
’ere?’ he asked the Doctor.
The Doctor laughed. ‘Is that what your ship is called?’ he asked.
The Mandelbrot Sett,’ said Dashiel. ‘Yeah.’
‘It’s a pun!’ laughed the Doctor.
‘No,’ said Dashiel. ‘It’s a spaceship.’
‘Well anyway,’ said the Doctor. ‘You can’t call them. We’re still subject to the stasis field. They’re in another time zone entirely.’
Dashiel considered this. ‘Good,’ he said.
‘Captain Florence is scary,’ explained Archibald. ‘An’ she won’t like any of this stuff.’
‘We can stay ’ere,’ said Jocelyn.
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‘What, for ever?’ asked Martha.
‘Yeah,’ said Archie. ‘We brung food.’ He rummaged in the front of his spacesuit and withdrew a silver tray. Dashiel and Jocelyn also had silver trays tucked into their spacesuits, and they placed the three trays down on the horseshoe of computers.
‘Count to somethin’,’ said Dashiel, closing his eyes tightly. ‘One. . .
um, another one. . . ’
Martha looked to the Doctor, who had also closed his eyes. When she looked back at the trays they were filled with canapés. Archibald had brought the tray that held infinite cheese and pineapple sticks.
He offered them to Martha.
‘Thank you,’ she said.
When Archibald had offered the tray to the Doctor and his two comrades, he headed over to the human crew, still imprisoned by the door. He prodded the invisible wall of rubber with his hairy paw, then looked back at the Doctor.
‘Are you sure about this?’ asked the Doctor, surprised.
‘Yeah,’ said Archibald.
‘And what about you, captain?’ the Doctor asked Captain Georgina.
The captain was staring at Archibald, just a foot in front of her. Her expression was impossible to read. And then, to Martha’s amazement, the captain simply sighed.
‘We can agree to a truce,’ she said. ‘There’s not much else we can do.’
‘Brilliant!’ said the Doctor and worked the controls.
Captain Georgina reached out a hand tentatively, expecting to still meet the invisible wall of rubber. She lifted one cheese and pineapple stick from Archibald’s tray, then nodded to him curtly.
‘Thank you,’ she said.
‘You take ’em,’ said Archibald, pressing the whole tray into her hands. ‘I’ll get the blini pizzas.’
He hurried back to the horseshoe of computer desks, and so missed seeing what he’d just achieved. Captain Georgina held the tray of cheese and pineapple sticks and, without thinking about it, offered them to Thomas, stood beside her.
Martha could see the look in his 113
eyes – it wouldn’t do to refuse the captain. So he took a cheese and pineapple stick, and soon the captain was serving all the crew.
Archibald hurried back with the tray of blinis, and Jocelyn joined him with the tray of sausage rolls. Soon a pleasant little party atmosphere was going. And since the badgers and the captain were serving the food, it seemed nobody quite dared question why they weren’t fighting any more.
‘They’re all friends,’ said Martha, amazed. She turned to the Doctor, who was busy with the computers.
‘Yeah,’ he said, not looking up. ‘If they can’t kill each other they might as well just get along. At least until something happens to change the status quo.’ His long skinny fingers danced across the controls, the information on the screens changing too rapidly for Martha to keep up.
‘What is it?’ she said.
‘Go and have some canapés,’ he told her.
‘Oh,’ she said. That bad?’
‘It is quite bad,’ he said.
‘What is it?’ asked Captain Georgina, coming over with an empty tray in her hands. Archibald also had an empty tray, and it seemed he was going to show her the method for making it full again.
‘Oh, nothing,’ said the Doctor easily.
Captain Georgina glanced at the screens. ‘We’re eating up energy,’
she said.
‘Eating is good,’ said Archibald.
‘Yes,’ said the Doctor. ‘But the time loop isn’t perfect. It’s got a gap in it.’
‘So it’s more like a horseshoe than a loop,’ said Martha, seeing the horseshoe of computers right in front of her.
‘Yeah, OK,’ said the Doctor. ‘Enough with the analogies. So we come speeding round the loop and hit the gap. But the Brilliant has stuff that knows how to bend reality, so it guides us back to the other side and round we go again.’
‘And when it’s doing that, it restocks the nibbles and brings us back to life,’ said Martha.