Thriving Through Uncertainty

by Tama J Kieves

  Forget Answers, Uncover Desires

  Here’s a suggestion you may have already heard me offer before. But it’s a Zen-type truth that will iron out your wrinkles. Ditch the notion that you need to figure out what you will do with the rest of your life. Here’s a better focus: What do you want to do in this moment?

  Oh, and let’s leave your idea of realism at the door. I don’t care if you don’t know how you could do the thing you desire. I just want to know your raw desire—because desire, before you talk yourself into “practicality,” packs heat, joy, and rocket fuel.

  If you could do absolutely anything, what would you want in this moment? Start there. You may want to curl up into a ball and cry, or you may desire an uncluttered studio or office space. You may want to paint the portraits of the birds at your bird feeder or hike in the kingdom of Bhutan. Listen to what arises for you, even when it seems audacious, random, or unfocused. Take one tiny movement toward this possibility. Love feels good. Acting on your instincts will strengthen you. You will learn more about yourself. Your desires are not frivolous. Your desires are doorways.

  You may also discover that you know what you want but you have a limiting belief in the way. And here’s what I will tell you: If you follow what you desire, you will grow your desire. When you grow your desire, it can fuel you past any limiting ideas.

  Trust the Process

  You might be wired to want results overnighted, which gets in the way of real results. I’ve seen people patch together answers just so they could leave the wilderness of not knowing. These answers fall apart with the first challenge. Fake direction doesn’t last. The real power comes from the real journey. Your authentic life will emerge from the courage and integrity to not know while continuing to explore.

  How long will this take? Clients and workshop attendees often ask. It depends, I think to myself. How long have you ignored your heart or choked the life out of your instincts in the past? How long will you pelt rocks at anything that moves in a direction you don’t understand? When will you love yourself enough to trust your way?

  Are you rushing to get “there”? A Course in Miracles teaches that “infinite patience brings immediate results.” The lack of patience brings wasps that sting you in the head, but, again, maybe that’s just me.

  Finding your real answers is an adventure in honesty and growth. One bread crumb leads you to the next and then the next. Where you start off is not where you will end up. And if you’re anything like me, you may even find it comical, in a twisted, you’ve-got-to-be- kidding kind of way. For example, when you end up sitting cross-legged and teaching A Course in Miracles for a living when earlier in your life you specifically chose not to get an MFA degree because that was too airy-fairy or bohemian.

  • • •

  Your clarity is not out of reach. It’s only the mind that wants to label and file things away like a testy librarian, aggravated at an order she does not recognize. An authentic quest is more of a journey for a snorkeler, a shaman, or a mountain climber. Your answers will draw you into new territory. And more important, they will demand you learn a new language, the language of your spirit.

  You don’t have to know your answers all at once. Some answers take years to evolve in full. You will know what you need to know when you need it. Meanwhile, get out of your head and into your feelings. Trusting yourself will not be an idle journey. Your brain may see all of this as fruity. Yet it will not be unfruitful. The heart may seem silly to the mind, yet it’s the mind that’s ineffectual on the path of heart.

  TURNING POINTS:

  Stop Figuring It Out, Let It Out

  You don’t even have a decision to make. It’s already been made and encrypted within you, like the . . . delicate, determined map of your fingerprint.

  Even if you do have many interests and directions, you polyamorous lover of life, you still have only one thing you wish to do right now.

  The whole ocean looks the same until you dive deeper. It’s the same thing with our minds. Ideas all look the same at the level of the mind.

  Of course you feel unclear. You’re scrabbling around for clues, arrows, reasons, statistics. . . . You’re looking with the mind for answers of the heart.

  Your true answers are below the surface of the choppy daily mind.

  You won’t dive deeper by being reasonable. It’s love that changes everything. It’s play. It’s peace. It’s not trying to figure things out, but letting them out instead.

  Most of us are desperate for clarity . . . because we believe it will bring us peace of mind. Ah, grasshopper, it works the other way around. It’s peace of mind that frees answers.

  Look to connect with your spirit more than you look for answers.

  Your desires are not frivolous. Your desires are doorways.

  HOW TO LISTEN LIKE A LOVER OF THE TRUTH

  We all possess a mainline of personal genius. We all have direction. It’s just a matter of learning how to coax the genie out of the bottle and to shut up and listen instead of argue with the electric unknown.

  TAMA KIEVES (journal entry)

  I am always taken by what others desire—the choreography behind it all—because when you really get to see what someone wants, it’s often the ultimate healing for whatever they have walked through in life. It’s like the master plan unfolds, the chess game is revealed, the chemistry makes sense, and the algebra adds up. I always want to slap my knees like a hillbilly and marvel, “Well, would you look at that!”

  TAMA KIEVES (journal entry)

  I meet many people blocked to their own desires and I want to wring my hands in sadness, because I know the joy and awe of living one’s dreams in one’s lifetime. And sometimes I feel like I’m like the crazy host at the party who says, “You have to try the ginger chicken . . . the sesame tofu . . . the cobbler . . . the brownies.” I want everyone to swallow bliss. I want everyone to feel as though they’re standing on the mountaintop, having their own personal picnic with God and God just says, “Can you pass the Wheat Thins, please?” and you do, but you can’t help giggling because it’s just ridiculous to be this alive. Some days I am living proof that this is possible—only some days, but those are the days that are worth everything. And I want to picnic with you.

  So, how come you are born with talents and infinite resources, but you don’t know what you want or how to find your right next steps? Or how can you feel so restless, so ready to get somewhere, and yet so muddy or paralyzed at the same time? I think it’s because we don’t know how to listen to ourselves. We have too much personal history or identity interrupting the conversation. Or a rushing need to make things immediately make sense.

  I’ve been coaching others for almost three decades and I’m going to tell you about the most powerful mechanism I know for getting answers. (Drumroll, please.)

  I call it creating a safe and sacred space—and you can do this at home, boys and girls. It’s a time of dedicated nonjudgment, fascination, and attention.

  Another way to say this is practicing unconditional acceptance of what you think or feel. Unconditional acceptance is the holy grail of listening. It’s a form of mindfulness. It’s something you practice like learning how to ride a bicycle, unless, of course, you are a unicorn—a Swiss unicorn, the rare creature that doesn’t take sides. That means you don’t immediately attack a new idea that threatens a desired self-image. Or interrogate yourself within an inch of your life as to how to execute the hair ball your unconscious mind just coughed up. Listening is not evaluating, fixing, or planning. It’s listening. It’s a verb all by itself.

  “Unconditional acceptance is the holy grail of listening. It’s a form of mindfulness.”

  Because when you lay aside self-judgment, you can hear intuition and inspiration. Sweet mother of all that is possible, this is better than cheesecake, because hearing your truth is sweetness not of this world. Again: You cannot listen to self-judgm
ent and guidance at the same time.

  Here are two words to start your practice: sacred neutrality. Maybe you were hoping for one word: abracadabra. Or some morsel from the Kabbalah or even some fresh catch of the day from Dr. Phil. Well, let me tell you, sacred neutrality is the door. It’s the portal. It’s the way into the belly of the Universe. It’s the corridor to truth, and the truth is the answer to hunger. Now, a bossy part of you thinks it knows the truth. But the truth is often what you don’t know.

  The wisdom path of A Course in Miracles teaches, “When a situation is dedicated wholly to truth, peace is inevitable.” Now, interestingly enough, it does not say when a situation is dedicated to winning the Powerball or some other solution you think you want. Because your big truth is what you really want. But don’t worry. Your big truth doesn’t mean you will just run off to the hills or join an ashram. Your big truth doesn’t mean you won’t get it all: the white dove of your soul answer and a way to feed your kids. In fact, it’s the only chance in hell you will.

  When I’m practicing sacred neutrality, I’m just looking for a pinpoint or gleam of someone’s real desire. I’m not secretly hoping it’s one direction or another. I’m not on any team. I’m as neutral as a scrap of cardboard. I’ve got my mental lab coat on; I’m just an observing scientist gathering data (though I do tend to giggle). The data will speak for itself.

  To me, nothing is silly or dangerous or too far off the beaten path, though, trust me, I have been tested on this one. It’s all communication. It’s all energy. I’m interested without the need for immediate gratification. I’m not jumping on the first stalk that shoots through the ground and deciding whether it’s a cash crop. I’m not buying a domain name on GoDaddy or building the church. I’m not making any idea mean anything, until it does. I’m just listening. I know the truth will repeat itself. The truth outlives every other idea.

  It’s easier for me to stay clear, of course. I don’t have the same background story. I’m not influenced by the same pesky inner narrators, the ones who talk too loud, like your aunt from Brooklyn, who picks at her teeth, wipes her hands on a flowered apron, and says, “So, what, now you think you’re a Rockefeller?” loud enough for even the dead Rockefellers to hear. I don’t hear her or any of your “consultants.”

  Someone can leave a current doctor’s treatment plan, or ditch a donor, or family member and I won’t lose a wink of sleep. I don’t have to make up for a botched marriage or a botched batch of marriages or a decade of cocaine abuse. I have nothing to prove. I have nothing to gain. I just pay attention.

  You might find it hard to discover true answers because you’re not asking true questions, neutral questions, unconditional questions, the best questions. Here’s a common example, for those of you who might be looking for that great white whale—your “life purpose” or right work. (Oh, go right ahead and modify this for your issue.) I’d want you to ask, “What do I love?” You might say, But I’ve asked that. And here’s what I think you’ve asked: What do I love to do that makes money, better yet, buckets of money? What do I love to do that won’t make me go back to school? What do I love to do that I won’t drop a year from now, that I don’t need the car for, or that my husband/parents/kids/coworkers won’t roll their eyes at? Once you have your truth, you can work backward and answer the conditions that are important to you—later. First, you’re just looking for an honest truth or desire.

  Let go of those questions with a hundred fishhooks. They yield fishy answers. They keep you in your head. I don’t want you listening to a discourse on music theory. I want you pulsing to a drum beat. “What do I love?” is a simple question.

  Let go of controlling the answer to make it one you think you want to hear. Nothing big and alive and sloppy and true can get through a controlling inquiry. The truth is not here to fit into your apartment. The truth might just be a house.

  As a sacred witness to each client’s journey, I often ask, “What do you want to do right now?” I don’t traffic with trying to figure out all of life at once. The more ease I create, the more we will bump into epiphanies and action steps. Everyone has an inner directive to live an authentic life. I know that what wants to be revealed will surface. This cream always rises to the top. It’s just a matter of time and trust.

  Besides, every thought or even detour gives me information. I’m not just stalking your right romantic partner, parenting solution, or best source of funding. I’m stalking your consciousness. I’m trying to discover why you choose what you choose. I want to know what you believe about everything. Beliefs command your choices. And it’s always a warped belief that warps your sense of direction.

  Hinduism reveres the different aspects of the divine; one of them is Shiva, the destroyer. Sacred neutrality will destroy your old stories about who you are and what you can have in this lifetime. In the presence of undiluted love, everything falls away but the truth. I like to think that a good listener is like a nice version of Shiva who maybe carries a lightweight pink diamond pickax to decimate hollow identities.

  Life asks us to grow into our real identity, to let go of one expression and give birth to another. When we don’t listen, life gets louder. You know the deal: First it’s the heart’s whisper, then the nudge, and then the two-by-four. Lately, I’ve seen too many who ignored the two-by-four. That’s when the thousand-year-old sequoia falls, and let me tell you, while it may be silent in the forest when no one is around, it’s a death-metal concert in a canyon when it falls on your life.

  Maybe you’ve gotten fired. Or surprised by a lump. Or you can’t figure out how to get more clients in the way that you have gotten them in the past. I see these challenges as unorthodox support, with the crazy fingerprints of the infinite all over it. You are so loved, you are not allowed to settle for an almost life. You are not being allowed to go on as always. You are meeting the mystery head-on, being invited to awaken in a new way. Healing isn’t about restoring yourself to how you used to be. Real healing is about becoming more than who you used to be.

  What should you listen for when you’re listening for the truth? I hunt for heat or energy. I don’t have fancy barometers in my bag of tricks. I long ago ripped up assessment tests and diagnostics because as much as I want to help define someone, I’m more interested in expanding him and setting him free. Besides, the soul will often lead us off the grid, out of the box, and into a clarity beyond labels. Sometimes we are discovering what hasn’t yet been defined or validated by society.

  Sacred listening is like being a cosmic optometrist who simply puts a new lens over your eyes. “Can you see more clearly like this?” I ask. “Does this float your boat?” “Does this make you giggle?” “Are you seeing God yet?” I don’t care what you choose. I know that something has already chosen you.

  I hope you will become your own sacred witness. Be neutral. Be kind. Be available to yourself. The secrets are all there. They are as plain as day in the right time and the right light. Approach yourself with the brand of patience that could wait until the end of time because you are that worth it. And cultivate an exquisite interest in everything you think and feel.

  Listen with sacred neutrality, the way a butterfly would look at you—no opinion, no history, no agenda, just a sense of being, a respect for another living entity. Be with yourself with presence. Dig deeper when you sense a disruption, a discomfort, or a feeling without a name.

  Remember, it’s such a deep and precious intimacy to know what you want, to allow it and express it. It’s such a prayer, a sense of forgiveness, of being unabashed and shining with freedom. It is a union to finally speak the name of your beloved, or to allow yourself simply to care about what you care about and to value and claim it, and devote any part of your life to it.

  Our true desires don’t need to make sense. And we don’t need to know how we will get there. We’re not looking for strategy. First, we’re looking for honesty.

  TURNING POINTS
:

  How to Listen like a Lover of the Truth

  Unconditional acceptance is the holy grail of listening. It’s a form of mindfulness.

  Listening is not evaluating, fixing, or planning. It’s listening. It’s a verb all by itself.

  You cannot listen to self-judgment and guidance at the same time.

  Let go of those questions with a hundred fishhooks. They yield fishy answers. They keep you in your head.

  Let go of controlling the answer to make it one you think you want to hear. Nothing big and alive . . . can get through a controlling inquiry. The truth is not here to fit into your apartment. The truth might just be a house.

  Healing isn’t about restoring yourself to how you used to be. Real healing is about becoming more than who you used to be.

  As much as I want to help define someone, I’m more interested in expanding him and setting him free. Besides, the soul will often lead us off the grid, out of the box, and into a clarity beyond labels.

  Be available to yourself. . . . Approach yourself with the brand of patience that could wait until the end of time because you are that worth it.

  FOLLOW THE BREAD CRUMBS TO THE BANQUET

  I’ve often used the metaphor from Hansel and Gretel about following the bread crumbs home. I have this feeling that my soul has left these bread crumbs in every stage of my life. They’re always there. But now try explaining to a bank that you don’t have a business plan—you have a hunch. Or tell your doctor that your latest “treatment plan” is a bread crumb. An inspired life may never translate into a linear plan. It’s a luminous plan.