The Monster Maintenance Manual
Page 15
• Words with lots of different meanings
(like spring, place or stand)
• Lists of things in a theme, using each letter of the alphabet
(animals, plants, countries)
• Words that change meaning when you behead them
(farms and arms or grate and rate and ate).
Monster Armageddon
• Words where all of the letters in the word are next to, or very near, each other in the alphabet (words like cab, fed, dace, bad, bed, kill, mop). There is at least one word, with four different letters in it, and the letters are all in a clump of four letters in the alphabet. I would tell you what it was, but my brain has started to rust.
• Words that have more anagrams than they have letters (example: east, seat, sate, teas, eats is a set of five co-anagrams, but there are many different sets of four, and at least one case of a set of six, but I will stop, and it’s no good, you shouting ‘rats!’ at me).
• Monsters also hate hints, but then so do I.
Monsters hate number puzzles
Most monsters hate anything to do with numbers. They have heard too many humans talking about ‘safety in numbers’, and they say anything that makes humans feel safe has to be bad. So anything that looks even slightly like sums or mathematics makes them feel very uncomfortable, unless they are calculator imps, which are useful, so you don’t need to worry about them.
The powers of 2
You can start with something simple like leaving ‘2+2=‘ written on a card, in your room. If you find somebody has written a 4 on the card, set a live trap. When you catch a monster, test it with some sums. It will probably be a pool shark that is looking for work. Put it in a glass jar, and take it to the nearest calculator shop.
If number-hating monsters won’t go away, you may need to get out the big guns. Pool sharks like working in a special form of counting that uses the powers of 2, which is the set of numbers that go 2, 4, 8, 16, 32 . . . and so on. Other monsters hate these numbers, and the higher the number, the more they hate it.
Look out for the exceptions: Monsters who like mathematics
Quarking ducks and pool sharks like numbers. But as these monsters are harmless to humans, there is nothing to worry about. If you are a bridge, the quarking ducks could be a bit of a problem, and if you are a dangerous goldfish, you might be worried about pool sharks. As long as you are neither a bridge nor a dangerous goldfish, all will be well.
Still, if you are building a model bridge or if you are breeding dangerous goldfish for a science project, just write this on a sheet of paper:
2 + 2 = 5 (for sufficiently large values of 2).
That should be upsetting enough to keep the quarking ducks and pool sharks away.
Monsters hate riddles
If most underbed monsters think you are likely to wake up and ask them a riddle, they will stay very quiet. Just hearing someone say ‘Knock, knock!’ is enough to make them slither beneath the carpet. You can also leave lists of riddles around, so it looks as though you have been practising. Start with something harmless and build up like this:
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was in his employment contract.
Why did the dog cross the road?
It was playing chicken.
Why did the mad cow cross the road?
It thought it was a chicken.
Why did the copycat cross the road?
It was the mad cow’s understudy.
Why did the scaredy cat cross the road?
It was chicken.
Why did the punk cross the road?
He was stapled to the chicken. (Ask your parents about this)
Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
Somebody threw a big fridge at it.
Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
It was stapled to the big fridge.
Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.
Why did the kangaroo die?
It got hit by three koalas and a big fridge, then a chicken ran over it.
Another good thing about riddles like this: grownups like to stay away from them as well. These riddles attract, rabbits and frogs but that, as you will soon see, is a good thing.
Monster dislikes that need some planning
Monsters are very picky, and you can use the following things to chase them off, but it all requires careful planning.
Rabbits and frogs
If you can teach your pet frog to go ‘rabbit’, you will have no problems. You can try getting your pet rabbit to go ‘frog’, but it probably won’t work. Most rabbits are hare-brained.
Green rabbits, on the other hand, are really useful for getting rid of monsters. Unfortunately, green rabbits are self repelling, and go everywhere at the speed of light. If you ever happen to catch a green rabbit, don’t eat it, because it isn’t ripe yet. Wait until it goes a proper rabbit colour.
Being photographed
There are no photographs of monsters, because monsters are very good at hiding or running away when there are cameras around. It is very risky to try to snap a monster with your camera, because the monster will come back when you are asleep, and fill your camera with hot syrup and leave it to cool and set. This is what grownups call a candied camera.
This nasty monster habit began when a gobblesock heard two imps telling viola jokes. One of them was talking about forcing piano tunas out of violas by putting jelly in, and the gobblesock was inspired to write a limerick:
A distinctly rebellious young lutenist,
With feelings decidedly mutinous,
Filled all the celli
And viols with jelly,
And made all their music sound glutinous.
Which reminds me, most monsters hate bad poetry.
Monsters hate people reciting bad poetry
The trick to getting rid of monsters with this poetic stuff, is to make it really bad. That means you need awful rhymes that are forced, and the metre has to be completely uneven, like this:
If you were a toad,
I’d write you an ode,
But since you’re a monster
I’ll just hit your sconce ter
Make you go away
Until another day.
This has a double effect, because the monster hates the poem, but it is also worried in case you have a large pile of poems just like it, inscribed on clay tablets. Monsters don’t mind clay, but they hate having clay tablets piled on top of them. Besides, maybe you really mean it!
Monsters hate being captured
Monsters don’t just dislike being captured. They are terrified of it; they think slavery is terrible. All you need under your bed is one sign advertising a MONSTER SALE, and you will have a monster-free zone. Works every time.
Another trick is leaving some plans for making a monster trap, or a shopping list that includes:
• cardboard boxes
• bear traps (medium)
• fly paper
• snare wire
• cage padlocks
• dungeon deadlocks
• shouting trumpets for shouting monsters
• monster hammer
• monster ticklers
• DIY minefield kit
Monsters are usually either not very bright—they will think you mean business—or they are highly intelligent—they will realise that they are not wanted. When that happens, they will go away.
The monster cookbook
If you need to get rid of monsters, remember that monsters are very nervous, and easily scared. Also, they don’t read fine print like this. To scare a monster away, leave this book open at this page in your room. Any monster coming in will read the big print, think you are planning to cook and eat them, and run away.
How to make ghoulash
For this, you will need some nose ghouls, a cle
aver, a crucible and a muffle furnace. Because nose ghouls don’t like people being cleaver with them, some people say it is best to buy frozen ones, but there is more fun to be had, catching your own monsters and skinning them.
Slice and dice your nose ghouls, but save the noses for the next recipe. Put the rest in the crucible and leave it to reduce for eight hours. Grind and sieve the ash.
You can use ghoulash as a gharnish or as a vharnish, if you mix it with olive oil or mineral turpentine (but be very careful with the labelling of the containers!).
How to powder a monster’s nose
There are two recommended methods. For the first, you need a pair of nose scissors, some leftover noses, some monsters with large noses or a lot of monsters with small noses. You will also need a low oven (especially low if you have short legs), a pan and a mortar and pestle.
Remove the noses if necessary and then let the monsters go, wash the noses, lay them on paper in the pan and leave them for several hours in an oven set at 105°C (220°F) until the noses are crisp and crackly. Then use the mortar and pestle to grind them to the required degree of fineness.
The second method works well on imps. Just make them keep their noses to the grindstone until there is enough powder.
Snap freezing a snark’s nose in liquid nitrogen and hitting the snark on the nose with a cricket bat is often seen as a good way to powder a monster’s nose. But be warned. When the powder thaws, it makes a paste that Count Henry Blenkinsop used to like on sandwiches, and not everybody is convinced that he really died when he took his barbed-wire canoe over the Reichenbach Falls. Finding a supply might lead to a return. To get a powder that lasts, you need to dry the paste, grind it and sieve it. Save the liquid nitrogen for other purposes, and forget about the snark nose paste.
Troll soup
You will need a pot, some vegetables (vegan vampires and intelligent carrots are good, if they are in season), a small anvil and a supply of trolls. Trolls pull everything apart, so you will need some liquid nitrogen, because they are immune to everything else. Make sure you have the right protective clothing, gloves and goggles.
First, chop the vegetables. Then line your trolls up, spray them with liquid nitrogen, and hit them with the anvil. Sweep up the bits and pieces, place them and the vegetables in a pot of warm water and start heating it. Keep stirring until the liquid boils, to stop the troll bits linking up again.
You may think this is not necessary, but if you ever watch a horror movie, just before the end, the hero and heroine always look away from the monster that they thought was dead and it revives, meaning that they need to beat it up all over again. Edible monsters aren’t that nasty, but some of them are still able to recover. Once the liquid boils, add the anvil to the pot, and simmer for 24 hours. Then every two hours, test to see if the anvil has gone soft. When it is as soft as a piece of steak, throw away the soup and eat the anvil.
Coded recipes: The next four recipes will terrify the monsters who peep inside, because they will think it is a code, and codes are puzzles, and monsters hate puzzles.
Gumboot greener salad
Etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu
Etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu eaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu.
Bucket bogle bouillabaisse
Etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu.
How to tin a piano tuna
Etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu.
How to cook an etaoin shrdlu
Etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu.
Etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu etaoin shrdlu.
How to make a drinking straw bass pipe
For this, you will need five plastic drinking straws and a pair of pointy don’t-run-with-these scissors.
Drinking straw monsters really hate the sound of one of these pipes, but quite a few other monsters are repelled by the noise as well.
Start with one plastic straw. Put it in your mouth and flatten one end by chewing the end 2 centimetres of it and then by pulling the end bit gently through your front teeth. You can also do this by dragging a coin along the end of a straw while it rests on an old newspaper.
Once the end of the straw is flattened, use the scissors to snip a skinny triangular piece, about 1 centimetre long from each side of the end, as shown in the picture. This makes a reed. If you put the reed in your mouth and blow gently, the reed will make a buzzing noise. You must not touch the reed part with your lips or tongue, and you need to blow gently.
Now if you make a slit about 2 centimetres long in the end of another straw, you can squeeze the cut end in and slip it into the first straw. This makes a longer tube that makes a lower note. Keep adding straws until the note is really deep.
Then all you have to do is play this when a drinking straw monster is hanging around. It will have to run away, and it will be holding its ears to stop them falling off. This device also repels a lot of other monsters.
Published in 2010 by Pier 9, an imprint of Murdoch Books Pty Limited
Murdoch Books Australia
Pier 8/9
23 Hickson Road
Millers Point NSW 2000
Phone: +61 (0) 2 8220 2000
Fax: +61 (0) 2 8220 2558
www.murdochbooks.com.au
Murdoch Books UK Limited
Erico House, 6th Floor
93-99 Upper Richmond Road
Putney, London SW15 2TG
Phone: +44 (0) 20 8785 5995
Fax: +44 (0) 20 8785 5985
www.murdochbooks.co.uk
Publisher: Diana Hill
Project manager: Emma Hutchinson
Editor: Shelley Kenigsberg
Designer: Hugh Ford
Text copyright © Peter Macinnis
Design and illustrations copyright © Murdoch Books Pty Limited
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher.
A catalogue record for this book is available from the National Library of Australia.
ISBN: 9781742663036 (ebook)
le(100%); -moz-filter: grayscale(100%); -o-filter: grayscale(100%); -ms-filter: grayscale(100%); filter: grayscale(100%); " class="sharethis-inline-share-buttons">share