by H. L. Logan
Though she hadn’t said it, I still knew Abby had thought I’d taken an extreme approach to fixing this situation, and that was something I couldn’t forget either. Because I was starting to think I’d taken an extreme approach, too.
I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t think of calling her every night as she crossed my mind. Telling her I was sorry, that I wanted her back, that I’d do anything to make it up to her…
But every night that I didn’t do that, I felt like I lost my opportunity. I’d let too much time pass without reaching out to her and admitting my mistake.
If I were her, I wasn’t sure I would be able to forgive me. Especially with the whole having sex with her before dumping her thing. Not the most sensitive decision on my part. I hadn’t been trying to hurt her; on the contrary, I’d wanted to have one beautiful moment with her before things had ended. But it was selfish to not consider how it was going to make her feel.
And that was what I was, selfish. It was my first relationship, and I didn’t yet know how to consider another person’s feelings. Relationships were a learning process, and while I was usually pretty good at learning, I had obviously failed here.
I heard a knock on my door, and I looked up from my textbook.
“Yeah?” I asked.
“Hey, can I come in?” Abby questioned.
“Be my guest,” I told her as I glanced down at my textbook.
She opened the door and peeked her head in. “Hey, just checking in. I’ve barely seen you all week.”
I shrugged. “I haven’t been anywhere, been home the whole time.”
“Yeah, holed up in here.” She motioned around to my plain room. “You’re, like, eating, right?”
I laughed. “Of course I’m eating. You think I’m just stuck in here, wallowing in all my misery and starving myself?”
“Well, maybe,” she said seriously. “You haven't exactly seemed very happy.”
I leaned back in my chair and took in a deep breath. “I’m not, I guess. But I’m not depressed to the point of not eating. I’m just studying… since it’s the whole reason for all my misery right now.”
“Right,” she said, and nodded. “Okay, then…”
I could tell she had more she wanted to say.
“What?” I asked.
“Can you spare just, like, an hour for me? I brought home a pizza, we can eat and talk and stuff.”
Just the idea made me nauseated. I knew the kind of pain that could potentially bring.
“I don’t know, I’ve got a lot of work…”
“Oh, Emily, come on! I know you’re studying nonstop, and I know you can spare an hour. Please? I miss you. I’ve barely seen you in weeks. And I want to make sure you’re okay, so just humor me?”
“Okay, yeah, sure,” I acquiesced. I didn’t know how I could say no to her. She was my best friend, and all she wanted was to eat with me.
I followed her out of the room and into the living room, where the pizza box was already open on the coffee table. She had two plates laid out as well as two glasses of wine.
I smiled at her, though I didn’t feel like smiling at all. “You know the way to my heart.”
“Always,” she agreed. “So, how have you really been?”
I didn’t want to talk about my feelings; I was afraid I might fall into them and be unable to dig myself out. But I guess that was the only healthy thing to do. I couldn’t continue to bury myself in my emotions.
“Not so great,” I admitted.
“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked.
“I’m not even sure what there is to talk about,” I said as I took a greasy slice of pizza and slid it onto my plate. “Like, I’m sad for an obvious reason, and it was my decision, so I don’t know if I can really complain about it, you know? Who else did this besides me?”
She grabbed her own slice of pizza. “That’s not the measurement of whether or not you can be sad, Emily. You have a right to vent even about choices you make. People are sad about necessary choices all the time, and about things they regret…”
She said that a little weird, ‘things they regret.’ There was an odd inflection to it.
“Are you trying to imply something?”
She sighed. “Okay, Emily, you know I’m your best friend, and I’m here for you, so I’ve mostly kept my opinions to myself, because it’s none of my business. I’m here for you no matter what. But now, I’m thinking maybe you might need to hear this…”
“Hear what?”
“Hear that you’re allowed to have regrets,” she said boldly.
I still wasn’t sure what she was getting at. “Okay…”
“In life, in relationships, we all make mistakes. Especially when we’re getting out into the dating world for the first time. Nobody’s perfect. And I don’t think you’re used to not being perfect.”
“What do you mean?” I asked as I took a bite of pizza. “I know I’m not perfect.”
“Yeah, but you always strive for perfection, and you always beat yourself up when you can’t reach it. You’re a perfectionist to your core, and I know it’s hard for you to focus on things you’ve done wrong. And I’m not saying that you were wrong to break up with Kaitlyn, necessarily. It’s not my choice to make, I have no idea if it’s right. But you do, and you’ve seemed… not very happy with your choice.”
I glanced off to the side, staring at the white wall of our living room. She was right; it was hard for me to deal with my failures. And because I didn’t deal with or face my failures, I just… didn’t know if this was a failure.
“I can’t even be sure that I made the wrong choice,” I told her. “I’m unhappy about it, but does that mean it was wrong? I’m also doing better in school, which is what I wanted, but…”
“But you’re still not sure,” she finished for me, leaning against the arm of the couch.
“Still not sure.”
“Well, for once, maybe you need to stop thinking with your head. How do you feel about the choice? How do you feel about Kaitlyn, and how do you feel about school? Love and relationships can’t be all about logic, not when they pertain so much to our emotions.”
“I mean… I just feel bad. I love Kaitlyn, and I don’t love school, but it’s a necessity. I don’t know when is the right and wrong time to put necessity over love.”
“Maybe never,” she smiled, “but you know me. I’m a true romantic.”
“And you know me,” I responded. “I’m not.”
“Are you sure? Because with Kaitlyn, you were sure starting to seem like it.”
Again, she was right. Kaitlyn had flipped my entire world around. Everything I’d thought I’d known, everything I’d thought I’d felt, it’d all changed when I’d met her. And my values began to shift. I had always valued school above everything else, and no doubt it was important, but was it more important than love?
“But how could I even admit the mistake now?” I asked Abby. “It’s so late… I’ve already hurt Kaitlyn so badly…”
“Is that the only thing keeping you from admitting it was a mistake?” she asked. “Just that you’re afraid she won’t forgive you? Because, I’ve got to be honest, Emily, that doesn’t sound like a good enough reason. If you want to take it back, if you want her back, you have to at least try. What’s the worst thing that can happen?”
“She rejects me, hates me, says she never wants to be with me again…” I muttered.
“And? If you don’t try, she’s never going to be with you again, either. So, if you want her back, you might as well try.”
I did want her back. I never let myself fully admit it, but I wanted her back so damn bad. She meant the world to me. I could figure out the school thing along the way. Maybe we’d have to spend less time together, maybe I’d have to be more focused, but whatever!
I couldn’t live like this anymore… I couldn’t live without her.
“You’re right,” I told her suddenly.
She raised both eyebrows. “I
am?”
“Absolutely. If I don’t take the chance, I’ll never know. If she rejects me, I’m in the same position I always was in.”
“So, you do want her back?” she asked.
“Absolutely!” I nearly shouted. It was the first time I had admitted it out loud, and I could never deny it again. “Yes, yes, I really want her back!”
“Then go get her, tiger,” she said, grinning at me.
I jumped off the couch and went to slide on my shoes and grab my keys.
“Wait, right now!?” she asked. “I meant, you know, maybe give her a call and see if she wants to meet up…”
“No!” I yelled from the hallway. “No, I’ve got to just go see her myself! Right now, I’ve got to tell her.”
It was crazy how urgent it all felt now, considering moments ago, it hadn’t fazed me at all. I hadn’t even been sure I wanted to get back together with her. But now, I’d never been surer of anything in my life.
I guessed that was what happened when you finally confront your issues. You figured them out, figured out how you really felt.
I knew what I felt now.
“Bye!” I said quickly as I ran out the door.
“Bye, good luck!” Abby shouted back at me. I shut the door on her last word. I didn’t want to waste any time.
I hopped in my car and, admittedly, sped over to her place. I almost never sped, but I couldn’t help myself this time around. I needed to see Kaitlyn. I needed to see her now.
I couldn’t help but smile on my way over. I felt a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I knew Kaitlyn hadn’t agreed to get back with me yet. And at the moment, I didn’t need to.
Hell, even if she rejected me, there would be a weight off my chest. Because, for the first time I could think of, I’d dealt with one of my mistakes. And I felt okay about making one… it was something everyone experienced now and then.
I fucked up, I knew it, and I was going to do my best to make amends. If my amends weren’t enough, fine, I could live with that. I'd be sad, but I’d live. But not even trying? I absolutely couldn’t live with that. I had to at least try.
The sun was starting to go down as I pulled up at Kaitlyn’s place. The red gleam of the sunset was shimmering over the top of her building. It looked absolutely perfect, everything felt right.
This was right.
I parked and immediately ran into her building and to the elevator. It was a nice apartment complex, but not super fancy or anything. Kaitlyn’s friend Ryan had money, but apparently, he didn’t feel the need to chase luxuries, because it was mostly an ordinary place to live, from what I could see.
When I got to their floor, I ran down the hallway and made a right like I always had to get to her place. But once I turned the corner, I stopped in my tracks and took a few steps back so that I was once again hidden behind the adjacent hall.
I could feel my heart pounding. I had just seen Kaitlyn standing in the frame of her apartment door, and she was talking to some girl. Seeing her talking to someone else had totally thrown me off.
But it was probably nothing, I told myself. She was probably delivering food or something… or maybe she was a friend of Ryan’s! But it couldn’t possibly be someone she was dating…
That was what my jealous mind went to first, though. I hadn’t spoken to her in weeks… she very well could be dating. I knew it was a little soon to date, but we had only been together one month, and Kaitlyn had dated me mere weeks after breaking up with her ex. And they had been together for years!
Still, I had no reason to suspect this was a new woman in his life. And what I heard come out of Kaitlyn’s mouth next assured me it wasn’t a new woman…
It was an old woman.
“Julia, you really didn’t have to do this,” Kaitlyn said.
Julia… the name rang out in my ear. I knew who Julia was, and my heart sank.
But Julia didn’t live in Rosebridge. They couldn’t be dating again, right? But why else would she be here? Why else would she come all this way… just, why?
“I wanted to,” Julia said softly, “I really wanted to.”
Kaitlyn sighed. “Julia, I just—”
It sounded like there was an end to that sentence, but she stopped talking abruptly. I didn’t want to be seen, but I couldn’t help myself. I peeked very slowly around the corner to see if they had walked inside. I didn’t know what I’d do if they’d gone in. I’d be all but sure they were dating again at that point.
But they weren’t inside. No, her sentence had ended abruptly for an entirely different reason…
Her lips were locked in Julia’s.
I immediately covered my mouth to suppress a gasp and hid back behind the hallway wall.
I felt like I was going to throw up. I just couldn’t fathom it… Kaitlyn was kissing her ex. I came to get her back, but she didn’t want to be got. She’d already moved on…
And it was all my fault.
I was going to burst into tears, I knew it in advance, and I had to leave. Because if I started bawling now, I wouldn’t be able to control myself. I’d start crying loudly, Julia and Kaitlyn would hear, and they’d very likely see me. I couldn’t have that.
So I suppressed my tears all the way until the elevator. But once those doors closed, the tears burst out. Thank god nobody was around to see me embarrass myself.
And once they started, they didn’t stop. I was crying all the way to my car. In fact, for a while, I just sat in my car and cried before forcing myself to put the keys in the ignition and pull away.
I had been ready to get rejected. I’d accepted that Kaitlyn might not be ready to forgive me, I knew that was a possibility.
But I’d never imagined this as a possibility. I’d never thought she’d move on already. How could she move on while I was still feeling totally, completely empty inside? These last few weeks had been hell for me. I’d had to study non-stop just to avoid thinking about her. And she was getting back with her ex.
God, why was I so shocked? They’d been together for years. I may have had a lot of feelings for her, since I’d been her rebound and all, but she did not have a lot of feelings for me. I’d just filled the void that Julia had left.
That was not what she’d said, not what she’d claimed, but now I knew better. I‘d been naïve when I’d believed I’d meant more to her than Julia had.
And I didn’t even have anyone to blame but myself. I was the one who’d chosen to leave her. I was the one who’d let a good thing go. I’d practically sent her running back into her ex’s arms. If I’d just held onto her, she would have one day loved me like she’d loved Julia. One day, we would have had time on our side.
But no, I’d given us only a month. I’d pushed her away. I’d ruined the one thing that had ever made me happy.
I hated myself for it.
17
Kaitlyn
“Julia?”
“Hey…” she said softly.
I immediately felt paranoid. How the hell had she gotten here? How did she know where I lived?
“How did you… how did you find me?”
“Find you?” she asked cluelessly.
“How do you know this is where I live?” I clarified.
“Oh, you sent me your address, remember? To get your stuff back to you?”
“Uh, right,” I said, still so confused. I’d never expected to see her again, let alone see her here, in the flesh, right in front of me. In the new city where I lived.
What weird twilight zone had I entered?
“And that’s what I did!” she said quickly.
“Huh?” I questioned, not even remembering what I’d last said. I just felt dazed. “You did what?”
“I brought you your stuff!”
I stared at her for a second, taking this in. Was this what she thought I wanted? For her to bring me my stuff in person? Hadn’t she known I’d just wanted her to mail it to me?
“Julia, you really didn’t have to do this,” I told her.
“I wanted to,” she answered, “I really wanted to.”
What the hell did that mean? That she did know I didn't want this? And she just brought me my stuff anyway? I didn’t understand.
I sighed. “Julia, I just—”
And then, without warning, she leaned in to kiss me.
I was so shocked by the act that I didn’t pull away at first. I didn't like it. I felt absolutely nothing, but it felt like everything was moving in slow motion. When I did finally pull away, I wiped my mouth, disgusted.
“What the hell are you doing?!”
“Just… kissing you,” she mumbled.
“Julia, what the fuck?” I snapped. “What are you doing here? You didn't think I was seriously asking you to drive my stuff to me, right? You understood I just wanted you to mail it to me?”
“I understood,” she admitted.
“Then what the fuck are you even doing here?!”
Tears started welling in her eyes. “I miss you, Kaitlyn. I miss you so much. Breaking up was a horrible mistake.”
For a second, I felt bad for her. Because I could absolutely say that I did not feel the same in any way.
“Julia… I’m sorry you're sad, but—”
“I’m more than sad!” she answered quickly. “I’m heartbroken! I’m completely, totally heartbroken. I’m depressed. Life hasn’t been the same since you left.”
I didn’t understand any of this. “Then why did you never try to call me? Why the hell did you think it was cool to just show up here? I live hours and hours away from you.”
She shrugged. "I didn't think a call would make a difference. I thought you’d just brush me off, and I didn't want that.”
I rolled my eyes involuntarily. “You should have called, Julia. Actually, you shouldn’t have called, because it would’ve been pointless. But this is equally as pointless, and now you have to drive hours to get home.”
She shook her head, more tears welling in her eyes. “No, no, I can’t leave here without fixing things with you.”
“Julia, there’s nothing to fix! It’s been two months since we broke up. I didn’t fit in with your friends. I didn’t fit in with your lifestyle. And we both know I never will. I am always going to be an embarrassment to you, so just do yourself a favor and focus on something or someone else.”