by H. L. Logan
And I never once considered how it was going to feel for her. Didn’t for a second think about how this break-up was going to tear her to pieces and how she wasn’t going to want to wait a year for me to finish school. I didn’t think about how having sex with her for the first time and then leaving was going to affect her. Nope, never thought about any of it, because I was a total and complete asshole.
How could I have done this to her? We had this great, intense, passionate relationship, and I’d just dropped a bomb. She’d probably been thinking we were going to be a long term-thing, like I’d been thinking, and I’d just pulled the rug out from under her.
I fell to my bed, face first, my head hitting my white feather pillow. I screamed into it, desperate to get all my pent-up emotions out. But in my drunkenness, I completely forgot about the fact that Abby was still home. A moment later, she burst into my room.
“Is everything okay?!” she asked quickly, followed by, “Where’s Kaitlyn?”
“She left,” I said bitterly, “and yeah, I’m okay…” I sighed. “I’m kind of okay.”
“Why’d you scream?” she asked as she wrung her wet hair into a towel.
“I just needed to get it out.”
“So, something has been bothering you tonight?” she asked.
“Something’s definitely wrong,” I told her vaguely.
She looked at me expectantly. “Well?”
“Well, Kaitlyn and I are through.”
“What?” she gasped. “But… how? You two seemed so happy tonight, and… oh my god, you poor thing, I’m so sorry. Did she give a reason?”
She clearly didn’t get it at first. “What? No, she didn’t break up with me, I broke up with her.”
Now she looked less empathetic and more angry. “You did what? But… but why? Why would you ever break up with her? She’s like totally perfect in every way.”
I rolled my eyes. “Thanks, Abbs, that really helps.”
“Well, I’m sorry, Emily, but I just don’t understand. You two seemed so happy. Did she do something or… what? You’ve got to give me more to go off.” She sat down on the accent chair I had near my door, still wringing out her wet hair.
“I got my grade back today for that test,” I told her, ”and I completely failed it. And it just hit me because it’s the first time I failed a test besides, like, that test I was late for and didn’t get to finish. But that didn’t count, it was just because I’d slept in. This was like a real test I’d studied for and finished and was confident that I’d done well… and I still just failed.”
“Aw, Emily,” she said softly, knowing how much this meant to me, “but you’ll do well on the next one, I’m sure. It’s not the end of the world.”
“I have to do well on the next one,” I told her. “If I don’t, I might fail the class. I wouldn’t be able to graduate, and… I just have to. But unlike you, I’m not so sure I’ll do well next time. And that’s why I broke up with her.”
She shook her head slightly, sending little droplets of water onto the floor. “But I don’t understand… what does you failing have to do with her?”
“It has everything to do with her. If it wasn't for her, I would’ve studied way more. With her, I don’t focus, I don’t study, I don’t have the drive I once did. She is such a major distraction for me, and I just can’t force myself to be attentive to school when she's around. I want to, but I just… I can’t. It fucking sucks. And I can't see myself succeeding in this class and for the rest of the semester unless I take time away from her.”
“Oh…” she said quietly, clearly not wanting to pass judgment.
I took in a deep breath. “What?”
“Nothing,” she said quickly. “So, how’d she take it?”
“She was heartbroken, of course. Couldn’t understand, of course.” I didn’t add the fact that we’d just had sex for the first time before I did and that it’d added to her pain. I didn’t need Abby judging me for that, too.
She looked sad. “I feel so bad for her… for the both of you, really. You two seemed so happy.”
“We were,” I told her, feeling like the butterflies in my stomach were threatening to come up.
“Well, maybe at some point in the future, after you’re more stable in school, you two can reconnect.”
I shook my head. “I thought that, too. That’s the first thing I thought, actually. That she and I could be together eventually, but no. She doesn’t want to wait a year for me to graduate, and I understand. We haven’t been together very long, so that's a pretty big ask of me, but… I don’t know. I just can’t imagine her being gone from my life for good.”
I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I absolutely hated crying in front of people, even people I loved and trusted like Abby. It just made me feel too vulnerable, so I did my best to hold back actual tears. But I was pretty sure Abby could see my eyes reddening anyway.
She got off my accent chair and joined me on the bed, rubbing my back softly. “I’m so sorry you’re hurting. You want to hang out? Drink more of that wine? Watch a movie together?”
I shook my head slowly. The last thing I wanted to do was drink more of the wine that Kaitlyn had bought. I didn’t need to be reminded of her any further.
“Abbs, am I doing the right thing?” I asked her.
She didn’t answer me right away, so I knew her opinion immediately. She didn’t think I should have dumped Kaitlyn for this. I knew her well enough to know when she didn’t approve.
But she had the decency not to say that.
“I can't answer that for you, Em. That’s a choice you’ve got to make on your own. School’s your future, so if you need to prioritize that above your relationship, then you do that.”
This was why I loved her so much. Even when she disapproved, when she thought I was wrong, she knew how to be comforting. She just was tuned in to people’s emotions and was very emotionally nurturing.
This time, it didn’t help much. I couldn’t think of a single thing that really would help. But I decided to relent and watch movies with Abby at her insistence, so she wouldn’t worry about me too much. Plus, I had nothing else to do, and I couldn’t sit here and wallow in my pain all night.
The worst part was, I did all of this so I could guarantee I wouldn’t ruin my education. But now? With this level of pain, I still couldn’t even imagine studying.
15
Kaitlyn
I felt stupid for how long I stayed in disbelief.
It was one thing to be in disbelief when it’d happened. I’d been surprised; of course I couldn’t believe it right after she’d told me. Hell, it wasn’t even that unreasonable for me to have expected she might have followed me as I’d left her house so she could tell me she regretted her decision already.
But to continue to be in disbelief for the next several weeks? That wasn’t even the tiniest bit reasonable. When she hadn’t followed me, when she hadn’t called me that night, that should have been my biggest hint. She’d meant to do what she’d done.
She wasn’t coming back.
For the first week, I just kind of wallowed. I was tempted to text her, call her, go over to her house, and just beg her to not end us over a failing grade.
But I didn’t. I stayed away. And she never called me in return… it was clear where I stood.
I couldn’t believe how painful this all felt compared to breaking up with Julia. You’d think a relationship of years would have hurt me more than a relationship of barely over a month, but it didn’t. This relationship with Emily already meant so much more to me. And Julia seemed to mean so little these days. I’d only spoken to her once, and that was only to tell her my address so she could send me a few things I’d accidentally left behind. When I had, she’d seemed to want to talk more. I didn’t allow it, though.
Which only solidified my strong feelings for Emily. I felt like I was missing out on something wonderful with her. Something I wasn’t going to be able to get with anyone else. I’d
never believed in soulmates before, but… I don’t know. Emily just felt very different.
After my first week of wallowing, I had to start trying to move forward. It felt nearly impossible, but I couldn’t just continue to sit around Ryan’s apartment and contribute nothing.
Plus, I felt like I looked like a mess to him and was a little insecure about it. The only reason I’d even moved in with him was because of a break-up, and then I jumped into a new relationship and broke up with that one, too? I always judged people’s stability by how fast they jumped from relationship to relationship.
Not that Ryan had ever said anything or judged me. On the contrary, he’d been really nice and supportive lately and had spent a lot of his free time hanging out with me. I really appreciated it.
Still, I wanted to show him that I was not a walking disaster, and I was going to do that by immediately jumping back into my work. After that first week, I started doing my street performances in the morning. I went earlier than I used to and stayed later than I used to, and when I came home, I spent my energy learning new songs. I threw myself into my music.
Staying busy was the only thing that helped. If I was constantly working, I couldn’t think as much about Emily. Every spare moment I had, she popped into my mind.
Hell, sometimes even when I was working, she still popped into my mind. It didn’t help that the best spot on campus to play was near the cafeteria. Thankfully, I hadn’t seen her going to it or coming out of it. I figured that was no accident… she was probably taking the back entrance to get into work specifically so she could avoid going to my corner.
Which was reasonable, I guessed, but it still hurt me to think about. I hadn’t thought she’d be able to avoid me so thoroughly. I’d really, truly thought she was going to miss me too much to stay away like this.
One day I was playing on the corner, and a few girls from across the way were staring and smiling at me, and I’ll admit I was putting on a bit of a show for them. I was still in a raw place emotionally, and I didn’t plan on looking for any hook-ups or dates or anything, but getting attention from attractive people still felt good. It was a small stroke to my ego.
I was so fixated on playing well for them that I didn’t even notice when there was a familiar face standing off to my right.
It wasn’t Emily, but it was someone who made me think of her instantly. And who I truly did not want to see.
When I saw Brianne, I was sure to extend the song I was playing in order to avoid having to have a conversation with her. She’d been such a bitch to me at the bar. I didn’t want to hear whatever she had to say about my playing.
I was kind of hoping that she’d walk away before I ran out of stamina, but she didn’t. She sat there, watching me with a serious face, and eventually I was forced to stop playing. I had to take a few minutes’ break in between songs, or my hands started cramping, and I was reaching that point.
When I did finish, I did my best to avoid her gaze, acting like I hadn’t even seen her, though we both knew I had. She didn’t allow that, though.
“Kaitlyn, right?” she said suddenly.
“Yes, hi.” I forced a smile at her.
At the bar, I’d been really cool about how snobby she was. It’d been easy to be cool, because she’d been rude, and I’d just been enjoying my time with Emily. It was the first, and subsequently last, time I had met Emily’s friends, and I’d been ecstatic about it.
I wasn’t ecstatic anymore, though. I was mostly miserable. And I wasn’t sure if miserable Kaitlyn could stay as calm as happy Kaitlyn could. I braced myself for the back-handed compliments.
To my surprise, they didn’t come.
“You’re good.” She smiled at me and dropped a twenty in my guitar case.
I waited for the ‘but.’ I didn’t even know what to say. I was wracking my brain for where the insult was… was it the twenty dollars? That was way more money than anyone normally left me, so maybe she was trying to show off or something.
“Oh… thank you,” I said softly.
She nodded. “Haven’t seen you or Emily around at any of the bars the last few weeks,” she said.
“Ah… yeah,” I said slowly. Apparently, Abby hadn’t announced our break-up to her group of friends. “We’re kind of not together anymore.”
“Sorry to hear that,” she stated very matter-of-factly, but it didn’t sound sarcastic. “Would’ve been nice to talk music with someone.”
I had to keep myself from laughing. Last time we’d hung out together, it had been anything but nice to ‘talk music’ together, if you could even call it that. But she wasn’t actively being a jerk, so I wasn’t going to be, either.
“Yeah… too bad.”
She nodded. “Too bad. Well, see you around. Good luck with your performance.”
“Thanks, girl. Yeah, see you around.”
She walked away without another word, without insulting me once, and I wasn’t really sure what to make of the encounter. She was coming off as oddly genuine. It had been a weird conversation.
Despite her not being a bitch, though, it wasn’t even remotely pleasant to see her. She reminded me of Emily, and, even worse, of the night we’d broken up.
I couldn’t keep playing after that. I was emotionally drained. Sometimes, even staying busy wasn’t enough.
I went home, hoping Ryan would be home from work so I could have someone to distract me, but he wasn’t. I decided to send him a quick text.
>Me: Hey, man, what time are you going to be home tonight?
>Ryan: Pretty soon, probably ten minutes away. Want pizza?
>Me: That’d be awesome.
Normally I refused food from him because, even though I always tried to give him cash, he never took it, and I ended up feeling like a mooch. Today, I couldn’t care less. I just wanted to drown in my sorrows and eat my feelings.
Ryan was pretty punctual, so, just as he’d said, he showed up about ten minutes later with a smile on his face.
“So I was feeling lazy and didn’t feel like picking anything up. I called for delivery on the way home, so hopefully it comes fast.”
“Not a problem,” I told him, “I’m not super hungry or anything.”
Actually, I had brought a fair amount of snacks with me to eat throughout the day, and I wasn’t really hungry at all. I didn’t want to stuff my face out of hunger; I wanted to do it out of gluttony.
“You okay?” he asked casually. I hated that I always wore my emotions on my sleeve. It was always so obvious what I was feeling.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I told him, “just tired.”
I liked Ryan, I really did, and I’d done some superficial venting to him after my break-up with Emily. But I just didn’t feel close enough to him to confide any deeper feelings. I didn’t want to tell him how just seeing the face of one of Emily’s friends had sent me into a spiraling despair that I couldn’t get out of.
He wouldn’t know what to say, anyway. He was a totally nice person and very generous, but he wasn’t the kind of guy who was very tuned in to his or others’ emotions. He kind of just agreed and said ‘that sucks’ when you vented to him. I didn’t mind, but it didn’t exactly help me.
Ryan went to put his briefcase down in his room and change out of his formal work clothing. While he did, the doorbell rang.
“I’ve got it!” he yelled as he quickly came racing out of his bedroom in a t-shirt and some gym shorts. Damn, that guy could change quickly.
“Hey, man, I’ve got cash for half that pizza!” I told him. No matter how many times he turned down my money, I was still going to offer.
He walked back into the room, confusion on his face.
“What is it?” I asked.
“It’s not pizza. It’s someone here for you.”
My heart leapt in my chest. I didn’t have friends here in Rosebridge. There was nobody who could be here for me except the one person I wanted so desperately to see… the one person I knew wasn’t going to be able to stay
away from me. Finally, finally, she came to talk.
I jumped up off the couch, trying to control my smile, but failing. I didn’t want her to see me thrilled. She’d hurt me badly, and I didn’t want to seem weak and desperate in how much I wanted to talk to her. But I was weak and desperate, and, like I’d said, I didn’t hide my emotions very well.
I ran to the door, and as soon as I did, the smile dropped from my face. Because it wasn’t Emily standing there.
It was Julia.
16
Emily
To my surprise, I actually got a fair amount of work done after I ended things with Kaitlyn. Mostly because I had to bury myself in work to not feel completely and totally depressed.
I studied even more than I had before, which I didn’t think was possible. I studied while I ate, on my breaks at work, every moment I wasn’t in class. I was frequently turning down Abby’s invitations to go out, because even hanging out with people was not enough to keep my mind off Kaitlyn.
No, I had to occupy my brain completely. Studying was the only thing. I guess the one pay-off was that, in the last several weeks, I’d gotten As on pretty much everything.
There was a time I couldn’t avoid thinking about her, though. Every time I fell asleep and woke up, she was on my mind, because I couldn’t have a book in front of me in those moments. Not to mention while I actually slept, since I was bombarded with constant dreams of her.
And, in those moments before and after sleep, the same question popped up in my mind every time… had I made a mistake?
I had to get started on working again, because I knew that I had.
What Kaitlyn had said to me the night we’d broken up had been right. When school was over, when I had an engineering job that I’d likely hate, I was going to have nothing else. I was going to be alone. Hell, eventually even Abby was going to move out and live on her own, and I wouldn’t even have friends to keep me company. So was this worse?