by Lynn Rider
“You’re being too nice. Let me.” I take her hand, pressing a little firmer against my belly. A hard thud pushes back and Emma shrieks with excitement.
“I felt her!” She laughs and moves her hands around the round shape. “That’s fucking amazing Amber. I can’t wait to meet her.”
“Me either.” I place my hand on my belly and close my eyes.
We lie quietly, her hand firmly along the top of my stomach waiting for another kick.
“That crazy man at the door was my brother,” she says just as I’m about to fall asleep.
“Eddy?” He visited her several times at college. He was older, good looking, and very put together. He had graduated law school the last time she mentioned him.
She laughed sarcastically. “Yeah, the one and only.”
“He was drunk?”
“Probably more than drunk.” The solemnness of her voice has me placing my hand over hers.
“I’m sorry, Emma.”
“It’s not your fault, Amber. Just like Austin’s using isn’t your fault,” she says with stern sadness. I swallow hard at the mention of Austin. He crosses my mind several times each day and I continue to waver in whether or not my decision to leave him and everyone else behind was the right one.
“Life is about choices. Some we make with a lot of consideration and others we make without thought. My brother Eddy chose to use—at least the first time. That decision was his to make, and I hate it. I want my brother back. He’s the only family I have,” she says sadly.
“You have me,” I say, wrapping my fingers around her hand that’s still firmly placed on my belly.
“I know and I’m thankful. Every day, Amber, I’m thankful you moved here and that we’re close again. I missed having you in my life. You’re like a sister to me. I’ll always be there for you.”
“You’re going to make me cry. You can’t do that to a pregnant woman,” I tease, trying to lighten the mood.
“I’m sorry. Tell me something I don’t know,” she says, changing the subject.
“Her name is going to be Sophia Grace.”
“That’s beautiful. How’d you come up with that?”
“Austin. He chose it years ago when we used to talk about having kids.”
“Are you going to give her your last name or his?”
“I don’t know. I know that I can’t list him on the birth certificate because someone may tip off the media.”
“Oh, wow… I never thought of that.”
“You better if Reeder’s band ever hits it big. They pry into your life and say really mean things to you.”
“I know. I remember.” She squeezes my hand. “Can I ask you a serious question, Amber? You can tell me it’s none of my business if you want to, but what’s going on between you and Drew?”
“Drew?”
“Yes, you know the very fit good-looking guy who’s been hanging around my apartment more than he did when he lived in Seattle.” She laughs.
“I don’t know, Emma.”
“Do you feel anything for him?”
I roll my head her direction. “Of course.”
“Good.” She smiles and we lay in silence.
I feel the shift of the bed with someone’s weight and open my eyes, realizing I’d fallen asleep in Emma’s guest room and that she’s gone. Drew’s large frame comes into focus through the muted light streaming from the living room, and he covers me with a blanket before walking toward the door.
“Drew?” I say sleepily. “What are you doing here?”
“I have a meeting in the morning. Go back to sleep. I’m going to sleep on the couch,” he says quietly.
“Stay,” I whisper.
“Amber, I can’t.” His voice sounds pained.
“Please, Drew,” I plead, wanting to make this right.
His exhale is loud enough to be heard in the quiet apartment. He reluctantly climbs in the queen size bed but turns his back to me.
I’ve shut him out, ignored every call and never returned his messages. I seem to be good at that lately. First Austin, then Kelly, and now Drew.
“Drew?” I whisper.
“Go to sleep, Amber,” he says dismissively.
A minute later, I get up and leave the room. I find my keys and phone from the bar and quietly leave the apartment. I make it the short distance across the hall to my apartment and close myself behind the door before tears sting my eyes.
A sharp rap on my door startles me.
“Damn it, Amber,” he says forcefully before he steps into my apartment and wraps his arms around me. He holds me tightly when the tears fall and doesn’t let go until I untangle myself from his strong embrace.
“I’m so sorry, Drew. I never meant to wrap you up in my shit. I’m a fucking wreck. I’m not supposed to meet you yet. It’s too soon… or maybe too late, I don’t know,” I whisper, stepping back. “Look at me. I cry every day. I’m carrying someone else’s baby, Drew. Why would you want to be around me? I should repulse you,” I sob.
“I repulse myself. I left him and he doesn’t even know. I was so afraid he would spiral out of control again that I didn’t tell him before I left. I’m no better than Mia.” I wipe my tears, but there’s too many of them to clear my vision.
“I’m weak, Drew. You deserve someone who isn’t so deceitful. Someone who can love you without a fog hovering over her, wondering if she’ll ever get over her first love.”
I’ve lost sight of him through my tears and don’t hear his footsteps, but with the gentle click of the door I know I’m alone. I wipe the tears from the bottom of my eyes and stagger toward the door. Turning the bolt lock and crawling into bed I cry until I fall asleep.
Amber…
“I need you to push, Amber,” Dr. Patel says.
“I am!” I bear down with a push that has my head feeling like it’s going to pop.
“Okay, relax.” He looks up at the monitor over my head. I let out a heavy breath and fall back against the pillows. “Nurse, will you give her some oxygen?”
The young nurse immediately places the plastic mask over my face. “Take a deep breath.”
I nod, exhausted after close to an hour of pushing.
“Okay, Amber. You ready to do this?” he asks again.
I nod, taking a deep breath.
“Push!”
I bear down and push with all my might. “There she is, keep pushing. Push. Push!”
“Push, honey, she’s right there,” the older nurse says enthusiastically. I press on through my lightheadedness, trying to get her out.
“Good, Amber. She’s right there. Relax for another minute and on the next contraction we’re going to push her out,” Dr. Patel says assuredly.
“We? Easy for you to say,” I say wryly as I keep my eye on the building contraction on the monitor screen. I take a deep breath as I see it peaking, knowing he’s going to make me push again.
“Push real hard…”
I take one swift draw of air in and hold it, pushing like my life depends on it.
“Here she is!” he says proudly as I feel the pressure increase and then release.
The nurses set into action. “She’s beautiful!” the young nurse calls out as she places under the lighted bed next to me.
I can’t take my eyes off her, catching a glimpse of her little limbs and dark hair as she works to clean her up and do the necessary vitals. It feels surreal. She’s here. I can see her. Touch her.
I’m a mom.
“She’s beautiful, Amber. Congratulations,” Dr. Patel says. Sophia is letting out small cries every few seconds as they continue to work on her.
“Here, honey,” the nurse says after swaddling her. She hands her to me to hold for the first time.
“Hi, Sophia,” I say sweetly, kissing her swollen pink face. “I love you,” I whisper while I inspect her little fingers and toes. The tears take over and I can no longer see my little creation. I cry, for the incredible happiness I feel and the utter loneliness.<
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“Here, honey, let me take her,” the nurse says.
“No, I’m fine.” I wipe the tears from my eyes with the back of my hand. She smiles kindly with a nod.
“Did I miss it? Oh my god, Am, she’s beautiful,” Emma says as she bolts into the room. I notice Dr. Patel’s attention turn from working on me to her and a wide smile morphs his features. She ignores him, setting her focus on Sophia.
“Let me wash. I’m dying to hold this little peanut.” A shard of pain slices at my heart as she uses the name Drew had called her.
“Good evening, Nurse Williams,” I hear Dr. Patel say as he slides next to her at the sink.
“Hi, Kam,” she says dismissively as she hastily discards her paper towels in the garbage and turns toward me and Sophia. I raise an eyebrow at her as she crosses the room. She rolls her eyes before setting them on Sophia. “Give me that peanut.”
“God, I hope she outgrows that nickname.” I smile.
“Not if Drew has anything to say about it.”
“I doubt he’ll be calling her anything,” I say sadly.
“Don’t bet on it, Amber. He’s a fighter. He doesn’t give up so easily.” She winks at me before cooing at Sophia.
I haven’t seen Drew since that night in my apartment almost three weeks ago. I lie back on the bed and watch her hold my daughter, too tired to try to figure out my life right now.
“She’s beautiful,” Emma says with love in her eyes as she rocks Sophia softly.
“Thanks, Em. I can’t believe she’s here,” I say, exhausted.
“Amber, congratulations. I’m going to leave you to rest, but I’ll be back in before I leave for the day to check on you,” Dr. Patel says softly as he pats my leg.
“Thanks.” I smile in his direction and notice his eyes set on Emma, but again she’s ignoring him, lost in Sophia. The nurse follows him out leaving Emma, Sophia and me alone on the room.
“What’s up with you and tall, dark, and dreamy doctor?” I ask once the door clicks closed.
She groans. “That guy has been trying to get in my pants since he transferred here. He’s pretty fucking obvious and it doesn’t matter how many times I tell him I have a boyfriend, he doesn’t take the hint.” She shakes her head but keeps a goofy grin on her face for Sophia.
“Does Reeder know?” I ask, closing my eyes.
“Uh, no. Reeder would come kick his ass. He gets crazy with that kind of shit.”
I nod, remembering the night Reeder and Drew got into a fight. Reeder was intimidating, but it was Drew who scared me.
“I have to go back upstairs to my floor. Reeder and I will be back later,” Emma says quietly. I open my eyes and realize I’d fallen asleep. I look around disorientated. “She’s sleeping right here,” she says softly, pointing at the bassinet next to my bed. “You did good, Amber. She’s beautiful. I love you.” She kisses the top of my head and quietly walks from the room.
Three months later…
Amber…
Emma grabs my arm with a death grip, attempting to halt our steps as we walk through the Stanford’s lobby.
My eyes instinctively snap up from the marble floor and are met with the signature cocky grin that’s always managed to stop my heart, and today is no exception. “Oh god, Emma, play along. Please cover for me,” I plead quietly under my breath as I watch his long stride eat the distance between us.
At six foot three he’s always been bigger than most, but as I watch his long muscled body close the distance there’s something different about him. My heart pounds so hard I fear he’ll hear it when I open my mouth.
“Hey, Sunshine,” Austin says, wrapping me in his strong arms and pulling me against his rock hard chest. “You look great,” he whispers in my ear, causing a pleasurable shiver up my spine before pulling back to meet my eyes.
“Thank you,” I say nervously. “Wh-what are you doing here?” I stutter as he releases me fully.
His smile drops and his eyes flick to Emma. My heart continues its erratic beat against my chest as I silently fill in the blanks with all sorts of answers.
“Hi! I’m Emma Williams,” Emma politely interjects.
“ You were Amber’s roommate in college,” he says knowingly as he extends his hand toward her.
“I wasn’t sure if you’d remember me,” she responds bashfully.
“Those weren’t my clearest of years, but yes, I remember you.” His smile drops with sadness before his eyes flick back to mine. His eyes scan my body quickly, dragging a rush of heat over my flesh with them.
“So you’re back in the states? Are you here to stay or visiting?” he asks casually. My level of nervousness notches up tenfold. It was easier to lie back then. I fidget in place, scanning the hotel searching for some profound wisdom on how to reply.
“She’s visiting me for a few days,” Emma jumps in, rescuing me.
His eyes flit to hers briefly before landing back on mine. I nod subtly with a weak smile. “That’s awesome you two have stayed close. Would it be possible for me to steal Amber for dinner tonight? There are some things I want to say,” he says with so much confidence I’m frightened by his words.
“Of course,” Emma responds without hesitation. My attention snaps from Austin to her. She casts a smirk in my direction, challenging me to argue. My gaze returns to Austin’s and I offer the most convincing smile I can muster.
“Good. I can’t wait. I’m staying here. Are you?”
“Uh no.” I squeak out before I come up with a logical alternative.
“She’s staying with me.” Emma saves me again.
“Oh, okay. Give me your address and I’ll pick you up.”
“No, I’ll meet you somewhere. Where and when?” My wits return, jumping in before Emma invites him to her apartment.
“Shit if I know. This isn’t my town. What’s good around here?” Thankfully he looks to Emma, reminding me that this isn’t my city, at least as far as he knows.
“Um, I don’t know. There are lots of places,” she says thoughtfully before looking at me. I look at her wide-eyed, silently begging her to understand. “You could go down to the wharf. It’s casual, good food, great atmosphere. Oh, or Rojo. That place is fun. We always have a blast with the lively music and…” Her words drift off when she sees the expression on my face, begging her to shut up.
“How about I call you and we decide later. I was on my way out and need to be somewhere in a little while. Dave’s probably about to blow a gasket out there in the truck,” he says with a crooked smile and a laugh.
I find myself meeting his smile before snapping out of it. “I don’t have a phone. Just tell me when and where and I’ll meet you,” I say.
Emma looks at me like I’m crazy until she meets my eyes. “Austin, call mine. We were just on our way to lunch and we’ll be together later. Here.” She hands her cell phone to him. He quickly dials his number and ends the call before handing it back.
“Gotta go. I’ll see you later,” he says in my direction with a wink. “It was good seeing you, Emma.” He flashes her a smile before turning and confidently walking out. I notice a few heads turn, but he doesn’t seem to notice or acknowledge their glances before he climbs into a dark colored SUV at the curb.
I watch through the glass revolving door for several long seconds after the SUV is out of sight. I feel the heaviness of Emma’s stare, and reluctantly turn in her direction.
Her eyes soften as I begin to crumble. “Keep it together, girl. We’re not eating here any longer.” She pulls my arm toward a narrow hall that leads to the parking lot. The lights of her car flash before she opens the passenger door and helps me in the seat. “I’m going to be quiet until we get away from here because it’s what you look like you need,” she says softly, starting the engine and driving from the parking lot.
“Of all the people in the world to run into,” I say, eventually breaking the silence. Her expression is solemn as she glances in my direction. “I can’t believe you pimped me out
for dinner!” I say snidely.
“I know you don’t want to do it, Amber, but you need to tell him. You’ve been building yourself up to it for months, but unable to actually go through with it. It’s like fate that he showed up out of nowhere. He needs to know so that you can move on with your life.”
I know she means with Drew, but other than that one amazing night we spent together, we’ve been nothing more than friends. After I confessed to Emma about our encounter, she’s holding out hope that we’ll be more once I get my life together, but he hasn’t called or texted. Other than one brief meeting in the apartment hallway, we haven’t seen one another. Emma slipped up one night and said he rarely comes to Seattle anymore.
“So are you going to tell me about that ‘in the States’ question?”
I lean my head back against the headrest and take a deep breath before looking her way. “When Austin and I conceived Sophia, he told me he loved me.”
I see the small smile form on the corner of her mouth. “Then I ran into him at Kelly’s and he said what we have is unending.” I sigh, knowing the truth in those words. Emma glances my direction with a grin. “Don’t look at me that way. What we’ve had hasn’t been anything like a fairytale.”
“Okay, go on.”
“After I’d told Kelly I was being transferred, he showed up at my door drunk or high—I don’t know. I called Kelly the next day and told her that my plans had changed and I was being moved to London. I knew London would create enough distance between us that I could just drift away, leaving it all behind.”
“Shit… That’s why you haven’t called Kelly?” Understanding laces her words.
“Yeah. Kelly always thinks she knows what’s best. She’s always been that way. I love her for it, but there was too much at stake this time.”
“Well, you two are still hot for each other. Remember, I’m a nurse. I was checking your pulse when he was walking toward us and you were in heart attack range.” She giggles and I smirk.
“Are you going to tell him tonight?”