by Lynn Rider
“I don’t know. I need to feel him out. My priority is protecting Sophia. Since you got me into this, are you going to watch her?”
“Absolutely.”
Amber…
“Hi,” I say, rounding the table.
“Hey!” Austin jumps to his feet. “I’m sorry I couldn’t wait outside. Dave thought it was better for crowd control if he waited out there for you instead.”
“It’s fine.” I slide into the chair he’s pulled out for me. “Although Dave is pulling his own crowd. There are very few people built like him. I think people think he’s a Seahawks player.” I laugh, trying to hide my nervousness.
“Yeah, don’t tell him I said this, but he loves that shit.” He laughs.
“So what brings you to Seattle?”
“I was just about to ask you the same thing,” he says with an easy smile.
“Work. Stanford’s corporate offices are here. I’m just here for a couple more days,” I lie. He studies me blankly and I wonder if he can see through it. He takes a deep breath. “My mom is back in rehab. I checked her in yesterday.” His gaze drops to the table.
The waitress approaches the table, preventing me from responding. Her words fail her when Austin looks up, and I quietly laugh at her open mouth reaction. “Can I please have the grilled salmon with the house salad and a glass of water?” I ask, helping her out of her stupor.
Her eyes flash to mine and I smile. “Yes, I’m sorry. I don’t see many celebrities. I’m a big fan of the group and was happy to hear that you were returning. Not that I didn’t like Ashton—”
“Thank you. I’ll have what she’s having,” Austin says, cutting her off. She nods and scurries away.
“Admit it, you like that,” I whisper.
He shakes his head. “I used to, but not so much anymore. Sadly, I used to use it as a measurement of success. Now I know what true success is.”
“Yeah, what’s that?”
“Happiness.” He looks me in the eyes with an intense expression, but the waitress promptly returns with our glasses of water, interrupting the moment.
“Look, Amber, I’m sorry,” he says sincerely when the waitress walks away.
“Austin, let’s not rehash the past. Let’s just be two friends who are going to have dinner together and catch up,” I offer, trying to avoid the heaviness.
“Sure, that sounds great,” he says, displaying his beautiful smile.
“So how’s the band?”
“Awesome. We’ve been recording again. We’re finalizing our ideas for our upcoming tour. This one will be worldwide. Our following overseas has grown exponentially in the last year.”
“That’s awesome.”
“Yeah, maybe we can get together when we come to London?” he says hopefully. My gaze drops suddenly with the pang of shame that hits me with his words.
“Yeah, sure.” I smile, trying to mask the sickening feeling I have in my gut at my betrayal. “So tell me about your mom,” I say, changing the subject.
His smile drops. “She’s a fucking mess. She got out of rehab last summer and relapsed immediately. We thought she straightened her shit out, but found out she was secretly drinking. Sadly, Ashton and I didn’t know for a while. We’ve been too wrapped up in our own shit.” His voice carries regret.
“I’m sorry, Austin. I know it’s hard to see someone you love make bad choices,” I offer as words of encouragement before I think better of it.
“I’m sorry, Amber. I’ll spend my entire life being sorry to you,” he says as he holds my gaze.
“I didn’t mean anything by it, Aus. It was just a simple comment. I don’t want you wasting your time being sorry. You’ve said it. I’ve accepted it. Move forward being the Austin you’re meant to be,” I say brightly, trying to keep the mood relaxed.
He studies me through narrowed eyes and again I wonder if he knows more than he’s letting on or if he’s just that introspective these days. “So why isn’t Ashton here?” I ask, knowing this is usually Ashton’s role to come in and rescue everyone.
“He’s busy with school. Besides, I can handle it. I’m not that weak kid anymore.” I nod, impressed with his answer. “Ashton’s in medical school now.”
“What?”
“He always wanted to be a doctor.” He shrugs.
“I thought that was some line he used on the girls to do their examinations,” I joke.
“Ashton didn’t need a line. Girls just willingly gave themselves to him.” He laughs.
“Remember that Missy girl? What was her last name?”
“Oh shit. Missy Hodges. She used to follow him around.” He rolled his eyes.
“She didn’t follow him around. She’d find out where he was going to be and get there before him. She was smart about it.”
“She was a stalker.” He grins.
“She just planned well.”
“I don’t think he ever did sleep with her,” he says in thought.
“That doesn’t surprise me. He wasn’t a whore until he joined the band.”
“Whoa, yes he was. He was just sneaky about it. Do you know how many girls cycled through our back door on a monthly basis?” he asks with a single brow raised.
“No, I didn’t know that. Why didn’t you ever tell me?”
“I didn’t want you to freak out. I had one crawl into my bed in the middle of the night after she went to the bathroom,” he admits bashfully.
“What did you do?”
“What did you think I did? I rolled her over and satisfied her.” His smile grows while mine falters. “Just kidding, Amber. I was like twelve. I barely knew how to jerk myself off correctly. I wouldn’t have known what to do with a willing teenager if I’d wanted to. Truth be known, I froze in panic before jumping out of bed and running for Ashton like a little whiney baby.” He laughs, shaking his head in disgust. “I won’t say I didn’t brush my hand over her chest and get a boob grab in before I left the bed,” he adds with a grin. “Yep, I think that started my fascination with boobs,” he says proudly.
I shake my head at the thought of boys and their small milestones. I don’t know why it matters, but knowing he didn’t touch her makes me feel better. “And you owe it all to what’s her name?” I tease.
“Yeah, what was her name? I never saw her. Ashton told me to wait in his room. He scooped up her clothes from his bedroom floor and told her to get out. He had her out that back door before I knew it.” We both laugh.
“So did he ever get married?”
“Yep, best decision of his life. She’s incredible. You’d really like her. She’s strong, but sweet—keeps him in check.”
“Wow, Ashton Harris being kept in check by a woman,” I say with disbelief.
“He willingly stays in check. They are amazing together. He says he knew within forty-eight hours of meeting her that she was the one.”
His comment brings a slow smile to my face. Despite my cynicism at times, I’m still a believer that love happens like that. You’re either all in, or just wasting your time. My inability to just fall with Drew should have told me something.
“Earth to Amber,” he sings making my eyes snap to his. He’s looking at me with his lopsided sexy grin and my heart skips a beat. I blink several times, trying to snap out of it.
“I’m sorry. I was just thinking about something that I forgot to do at work today,” I lie.
“Career-minded as ever.” He smiles.
“Things are going well.”
“I’m glad to hear it. But you need to get your ass back in the States where you belong before too long.”
“Yeah, maybe,” I whisper guiltily.
He spends the next hour catching me up on all the great things going on in his life while I carefully navigate his questions in a way that minimizes the web of lies I’ve already spun.
“They rent you a Mercedes to drive while you’re here?” Austin asks as we approach my car. My heart begins to beat wildly while my mind searches for an excuse.
“No, Em
ma’s car.”
“Oh, she must be doing okay for herself,” he says, taking in the car.
“Yeah, she’s a nurse and her boyfriend, Reeder, is in a band.”
“A band?”
“Yeah, you know where several people get together and make music? Usually consists of a singer, drummer, guitarist—”
“Got it, smart ass,” he interrupts with a smile. “If you’re in town a couple more days, I’d like to see you again before you hop the pond,” he says in his best English accent.
“How long will you be here?”
“As long as it takes,” he says confidently. He steps forward, brushing his body against mine. My body reacts, leaning toward his touch before I catch myself and pull back.
“I-I’ll have to talk with Emma. I’m not sure what she has planned for us.”
I see hurt in his eyes before his gaze drops to the door of my car as he opens it for me. “I understand,” he says quietly.
“It was good seeing you, Austin. Take care of yourself, okay?” I say with a kiss to his cheek.
“You too, Amber.”
I watch his tall frame in the rearview mirror as I pull away.
“Well?” Emma shouts, looking behind me as I walk into my apartment alone.
“I didn’t tell him,” I say sadly.
“Why?” she asks, following me into the kitchen. “Why?” she repeats.
“Because I enjoyed it too much. I like who he is. He’s healthy and happy and, once again, I have the power to crash that,” I explain around the lump in my throat.
“I don’t understand. You said if he was stable you were going to tell him. Oh, Amber… Go in there and look at that little angel. You don’t think that will make him happy?”
I look into her warm eyes and know she’s right. Sophia can make anyone happy. “I got scared, Em.”
“Why?”
“I still love him,” I whisper.
“Oh, honey.” She wraps her arms around me, pulling me into a tight embrace. “It’ll be okay. But you have to tell him. This needs to come out. Imagine how free you’ll feel once this black cloud has cleared,” she says reassuringly.
“I know. I’ll think of something. Maybe we’ll fly to New York soon,” I say, feeling immediate guilt at not telling her he’s still in Seattle.
“You need to. I’ll go with you if you want me to.” She smiles sympathetically.
“Thanks, Emma. I love you,” I say, holding back the tears that are threatening to spill.
“I love you, too. You going to be okay?”
“Yes, of course. Thanks for watching Sophia.”
“Don’t mention it. I love her. I’m going go catch Reeder’s last set for the night. You sure you’re going to be okay. I can stay?”
“I’m fine. I’m going to check on Sophia and call it a night. Thank you, Em.”
I stare at the blank screen for another five minutes before giving up and closing my laptop. I’ve been trying to find the words all morning to write to Kelly. I should call her, it would be the right thing to do, but I don’t know that anything I’ve done is right. Why start now?
The perfect opportunity fell into my lap yesterday to tell Austin the truth about Sophia and I chickened out. The regret of that decision hit me hard as I stood with silent tears falling while watching her sleeping soundly in her crib last night. She deserves more than what I’ve given her. She deserves to know her father.
The faint whistle of an incoming text grabs my attention from across the room.
‘Austin sent a text asking to see you again tonight’
I read Emma’s text over and over. Here’s another opportunity. Can I do it?
‘I told him yes’
I shake my head, but a smile creeps along my lips before texting her back.
‘Thanks, Kelly. Are you watching Sophia?’
‘You know it!’
she replies right away.
‘And don’t EVER call me Kelly. This is for your own good…and Sophia’s’
“I shouldn’t be doing this,” I mumble as I enter the crowded bar. I see a few heads turn in my direction, but none of them belonging to Austin. I step further into the mass of bodies, searching for him. He said he would be here at nine, it’s nine fifteen. I was here early, but the battle between my head and heart had a showdown in my car outside. In the end, my heart won and so here I am, searching through the crowd of intoxicated people.
“Amber!” I turn to see Austin a few feet away, coming from the bar. My heart plummets to my stomach at the thought of what he’s doing over there. I shouldn’t be doing this.
He pushes his large body through the crowd, making his way to me slowly. When there’s no longer anyone between us, I’m relieved to see a bottle of water in his hand.
“I’m so glad you could meet me!” He pulls me in for a hug. “Thanks for coming,” he says against my neck, heating the area with his breath. Luckily, my coat is still on and he doesn’t see the reaction my body has to his closeness.
I pull back, needing to create some distance, and smile up at him. Heat rushes my body when he flashes me with his megawatt stage smile. My gaze drops without thought; it’s a defense mechanism I’ve taught myself to cope with the pull that Austin Harris has on me. He hooks his finger under my chin and lifts my gaze to his. “It’s really good to see you. I had a really good time last night and glad you agreed to see me again,” he says innocently.
I’m instantly hooked to his eyes and can’t look away. He steps closer and lowers his lips softly to mine. My heart begins beating so hard I’m sure it’s going to knock me over. “You look amazing. I wanted to tell you that last night. You’ve been working out again.” He’s so close that his breath fans my face with his words.
I pull away, needing to break the intimacy of the moment. “Yeah, I’ve been using the gym at the hotel,” I say shyly. “So this is an interesting place you chose,” I say, looking around.
“Yeah, there’s a band playing in a little while that I want to hear. Remember doing that with me?”
“Yeah, with my fake ID.” I smile at the memories of us sneaking into bars when we were underage. “You had it easy. You were able to pass as Ashton and didn’t have to memorize anything. I had to be Susan Jones of 325 Harrison Lane.” I laugh when his brows shoot up.
“You remember!” He throws his head back in laughter.
“Forever etched in my mind.” I tap my temple with my finger. “If you’re looking to put a good word in for someone, you need to see Emma’s boyfriend’s band.”
“Oh yeah, tell me about them.” He takes the bait.
“They’re amazing. The lead singer is Reeder Merritt, he’s Emma’s boyfriend. I saw him some time ago and he has a voice. Don’t tell Kyle this, but he reminds me of him, he’s that good.”
“Wow, you’re a groupie,” he teases, looking down at me with a crooked smile.
“I’m not a groupie. Just know talent when I see it,” I say confidently, thinking back to all the encouragement that I used to provide to him when he started out.
“That you do, Sunshine.” He smiles genuinely. The use of my nickname doesn’t cause a cringe; it feels oddly comforting. I look away, not wanting him to see the first brick of my wall tumble from its ledge.
“Let’s find a seat. I want to hear all about what you’ve been up to.” He wraps his hand around my arm and leads me to a table in the back, away from most of the chaos. I silently rehearse my practiced list of subjects to steer clear of.
“So how’s the hotel industry treating you?” he asks with a genuine interest.
I sigh a breath of relief; this is an easy one. “It’s the same old thing. One hotel is just like another.” I smile. “How about you?”
“Great. I told you last night that we’re recording again. I’ve sold eleven songs that I wrote and we’ve recorded a few others. We released the album that Ashton did and decided to release another before going back on tour.”
“You managing to stay clea
n?” I ask looking at the water bottle.
“Yep, my last lapse was the night I saw you at your apartment in New York,” he says proudly.
“I’m glad, Austin. You’re talented and the sky’s the limit for you. I’ve only ever wanted you to reach your full potential.”
“I know, Am. I know my email said it all, but I really am sorry that we didn’t make it. It took your leaving the last time for me to realize why.”
I cringe at the mention of the email. I’d deleted it—unread. “It doesn’t matter, Austin. We’re both healthy and happy, living our own separate lives,” I say with a hesitant smile.
His eyes meet mine again. “Are you happy, Amber?” He holds my brown eyes hostage.
I thought I was days ago, but sitting here looking at him, I don’t know anymore. “Most days,” I answer with partial honesty. Sophia makes me happy, but I will always carry a sadness because he’s not in my life.
He nods. “Why did you run away, Amber?”
“I just thought it was easiest—”
“For who?”
“For everyone. I think we’ve beat this horse to death, Austin. We’re better off apart, so I made the decision for all of us.”
He nods slowly as he considers my words. “So you think we’re done?”
I simply nod.
He studies me a minute longer than he should, making me nervous under his scrutiny. “Kelly’s lost without you,” he says quietly, dismissing whatever was going through his mind.
“The feeling is mutual, but it’s for the best.”
He shakes his head. “I’ll talk to her—tell her that we’re done if you really feel we are. Please consider calling her. She had a little girl in May. Chelsea is so fucking cute. She rules that house.” There’s a genuine fondness in his eyes and guilt courses through me.
I can’t do this. Not tonight.
I dig through my purse, looking for a piece of paper. I find an old receipt and write down the name of the bar and street where Reeder plays. “Here’s the name where Reeder’s band, Secret, plays. I hope you can help them. They’re really amazing.”
“A receipt? You’re fucking kidding me. Again?” He turns the small paper in his fingers. I glance back as I’m standing from the stool, looking at the paper and finding the significance of his anger.