by Lynn Rider
“I’m sorry. I have to go.” I turn before the tears blur my vision completely.
“Amber!” I swallow hard and blink before turning. “If you don’t have room for me in your life, I’ll accept that, but please call Kelly. She doesn’t deserve to lose her friend because of what you and I can’t seem to figure out.”
I nod before turning and hastily making my escape from the bar.
Amber…
It’s been over a week since I stormed out of that bar leaving Austin alone and undoubtedly confused. The adoration that shimmered in his eyes when talking about Kyle and Kelly’s daughter chipped away another piece of my already broken heart. As much as I wanted to tell him, I couldn’t. I’m a coward.
I walk from the kitchen when Sophia’s sweet little coos alert me she’s up from her afternoon nap. When I peek over the side of her crib, her gummy grin widens as her arms and legs flail wildly, signaling she’s as happy to see me as I am to see her.
“Good afternoon, sleepy head. You took a good nap,” I say softly, lifting her from the crib and into my arms. She shrieks with a smile. “Oh really?” I ask her playfully.
The doorbell rings, ending our conversation and I make my way through the living room, quickly grabbing my wallet to pay the pizza deliveryman. I’m stunned when I open the door. His cocky grin is wiped clean, replaced by shock then confusion. He stares at Sophia in a way that tells me he understands he’s looking at a part of him.
“Austin,” I whisper through the heartbreaking shame that’s risen to the surface. His eyes eventually peel from her to meet mine briefly before they land back on her. After several long seconds, I step back, realizing this can’t take place in the hallway.
“Come in,” I say weakly as the lump takes hold in my throat.
He doesn’t look at me but advances over the threshold as I step backward. He glances back and mumbles something into the hall, but I don’t register it through the sound of my beating heart.
“Do you want a drink?” I ask.
“No, I want answers.” His voice sounds harsh.
“Austin, please don’t make this harder than it already is,” I plead softly as I put Sophia in her swing.
His face hardens again as he takes his gaze off of her and lands them on me. “Hard?” He lets out a sarcastic laugh. “Everything about you is hard, Amber. Loving you. Leaving you. Hating you. I’ve walked around for years with a perpetual hole in my heart and no matter what I do, it won’t heal. I thought when I got back from rehab things would be different. I thought you felt it too, but then you ran. You fucking ran like you always—”
“I had to!”
He clamps his mouth shut, stopping his words with a look of shock on his face.
“I had to,” I say softly. “At first I thought I was doing what was best for you. Then I had to do what was best for me. “And her,” I add as I look through my tears to see Sophia swinging happily in her swing.
“Why didn’t you talk to me? Tell me?”
“I couldn’t, Austin. You wouldn’t have understood. I was already leaving when I found out I was expecting.”
“No, Amber, we were expecting! It wasn’t your choice to make.”
“I was going to tell you, but I needed time, Austin. I had to get my head together. Be strong enough.” I whisper the last, trying not to show the emotion that is so clearly evident. I’m on the edge of crumbling. Two weeks ago I thought I was strong enough to make that call, but having him show up unannounced not once but twice is proving that readiness was an illusion. I wipe the tears from my cheeks, trying to regain my composure. I take a heavy breath as I fold onto the living room chair.
“How did you know where I was?” I ask quietly. Austin lowers himself to the couch, scrubbing his face in the palms of his hands.
“The receipt you gave me,” he mumbles. “It was a dry cleaning receipt dated weeks ago.” His voice is flat, free of any of the previous anger as he’s processing the enormity of what he never expected to see.
“I’m sorry, Austin,” I say, watching Sophia.
His head snaps in my direction and it’s the first time I can recall seeing him on the verge of tears. “I can’t do this.” He jumps to his feet. “Here I was under some illusion that you gave a shit about me. When I saw you here last week, you somehow managed to take the last piece of my heart with you. I was certain that despite all the time that went by we were still meant for one another. I wanted you home where you belong.” He lets out a quiet sarcastic humph like he can’t believe his own words.
“I’m sorry I lied. I felt like I had to in order to stay away. I needed clarity to make the right decisions for her.”
“Fuck you, Amber! You did that for your own selfish reasons.”
I jump to my feet. “No, fuck you, Austin! Fuck you and all the ways you love me and for all the ways you hurt me. You don’t think I have a matching hole in my heart? A hole so deep that no one can fill it? I’ve spent my life loving you and being hurt by your stupid decisions. So don’t waltz in here telling me about selfishness. How many times have you promised me forever, Austin? If you want to talk about selfishness, then you need to be starting with the one who stares back at you in the mirror every day. I love you, but our love isn’t pure. It’s tainted with a lifetime of broken promises. All I ever wanted was you. No fame, no fortune, and certainly no drugs! I’m a mom now and she comes first. She’ll always come first. And if that means I have to leave your ass behind, I will—every fucking time.”
He lifts his tall frame from the couch and stalks toward me, violating my personal space, but I don’t back down. I raise my eyes, needing to be strong. For her. For me.
“You know what, Amber? I was wrong. I said hating you was hard, but I’ve never hated you more than I do right now and it’s pretty fucking easy.” He steps back, his eyes scanning Sophia as he swallows hard. “I’ll be in touch.” He walks out of my apartment, slamming the door.
Sophia’s cry stops me from breaking down. I run to her, lifting her from the swing. “It’s okay, baby,” I whisper softly against her little cheek as I hug her tightly.
Austin…
“You gonna tell me what went down back there?” Dave’s deep voice looms through the SUV.
I shake my head. “Just drive. I don’t care where. I just need some time.” That’s all the explanation he’s getting for now.
“Austin, it’s not good to hold it in. You don’t have to talk to me, but you need to talk. Want me to pull over so you can call Kyle or Ashton?”
I glance in his direction. “I haven’t needed a shrink this far, and I haven’t needed my sponsor in months. So don’t start acting like either.”
“Want me to pull over and kick your fucking ass then? I don’t need your shit. I know you well enough to know that whatever happened back there was big. I don’t want you finding ways to self-medicate. So don’t fucking try me, dickhead.”
I lean my head on the headrest with an exasperated breath. He’s right. “I’m a father,” I say, sounding like a pussy with my higher than normal pitch that slips through my clenched throat. I don’t turn my head, but I know his eyes just shot from the road and landed on me.
“Amber has a baby?”
“No, Amber and I have a baby. She has Amber’s blonde hair, but looks like me—even my eyes. It’s like looking in the mirror,” I say painfully. I shouldn’t be riding around the streets of Seattle with my bodyguard. I should be there making up for lost time; for time Amber didn’t give me.
“What the fuck you doing riding around with me then?” he asks as if hearing my thoughts.
“I couldn’t process it all. I’m still in love with her, but hate her at the same time for not telling me. I feel cheated out of experiences that every father should get. I just couldn’t process the conflict going on in my head. I had to get out of there.” I sigh, feeling conflicted about leaving. “Is it wrong that I left?”
“I don’t know, man. You two have always had a strange relationship.
Just don’t let it build. Want me to pull over so you can call Ashton?”
“Hell no, he’ll have a fucking heart attack. I’ll figure it out. Just keep driving.” I close my eyes, trying to center my thoughts on what I need to do to sort out the emotions raging through me.
Everything she said was true. I’ve broken every promise I’ve made to her. I wanted to love her on my terms, expecting her to accept my flaws, my addictions. She was right to stay away. I’ve been toxic since the band took off. I’ve changed, but Amber and my daughter don’t know that.
Fuck… My daughter.
“Find a mall,” I say, breaking the silence we’ve been riding in for over an hour. He nods, getting off the expressway.
“You know what you’re going to do?”
“No, but riding the streets isn’t the right answer, so on to something else.”
A grin replaces his normal menacing scowl. “And you have a sudden need for a new shirt?” he says dryly.
“No. I need to go back, but I can’t go empty-handed.”
I take a deep breath as I knock on the door of her apartment. Looking down at the pink bunny I’m holding, my nervousness increases tenfold. The door swiftly opens and a man stands there with a curious expression. I glance at the silver apartment number on the open door briefly before landing my eyes back on him. His eyes scan my body and I’m immediately on edge. She has a new guy, playing house. Playing daddy. I grit my teeth and ball a fist with my free hand.
“Austin?” Her quiet, uncertain voice calls from behind me. I turn and see her coming from the apartment across the hall holding the baby. My baby. Fuck she’s as beautiful as Amber. My eyes flit to Amber’s. Even with her tear-stained face, she manages to steal my breath. I need to make this better.
She steps across the hall toward where I stand, toward where he still quietly stands. He relinquishes his guard on the door. “Come in,” she says, brushing by me. Her scent lingers as I follow her inside. Shit, she smells fantastic. I close my eyes briefly and swallow hard. Loverboy now stands in her small kitchen with what I think is his best threatening expression, but he’s going to have to do better than that if he thinks he’s going to scare me away from my family.
“Austin, this is my attorney, Zach,” Amber says, interrupting my thoughts.
“You called a lawyer? What the fuck, Amber?” My eyes slide from her to him, seeing he’s standing more confident now.
“I thought it may be for the best, given how upset you were when you left, that our attorneys worked through the visitation.”
“Visitation?”
“That is… um, well, if you want to be part of her life.” She stumbles over her words, widening the hole in my heart.
“Amber, are you sleeping with this guy?” I ask directly.
“Who Ms. West is dating is none of your business and has no relevance here,” the asshole interjects.
My eyes never move from hers. I see her swallow. She knows I’m serious.
“No, Zach is a friend.”
“And her attorney,” he interrupts, earning my attention again.
“She doesn’t need an attorney. I appreciate you being a friend to her, but she won’t be in need of any legal services today,” I say firmly. “Or friends,” I add, dismissing him.
I watch his eyes shift to her and from the corner of my eye I see her subtle nod. He walks around the small counter and scoops my daughter into his arms. He mumbles something to Amber and she offers another nod and a weak smile. Fuck, I’m jealous.
“Bye, pretty girl. I’ll see you Sunday,” he coos into her pudgy little cheek as he lands a kiss there before he gives her back. I feel like a spectator in what could be my life and it feels wrong. I don’t want to watch my life; I want to live it. I made that decision during my last stint in rehab. With a kiss on Amber’s cheek and a curt nod in my direction, he leaves.
My eyes stay connected to Amber’s as an unspoken apology passes between us. She’s standing too far away to hear it, but I see the rise and fall of her chest. She takes a couple of steps my direction before she looks down at the little green-eyed princess. Amber’s tear filled eyes lift to meet mine once again.
“Austin, meet your daughter, Sophia Grace Harris. Sophia, this is your daddy.” Her voice quivers with emotion before sounding strangled as the lump lands in her throat.
I lose sight of both of them through my own tears. I don’t know why I try to blink them back. I don’t care anymore. “Sophia Grace,” I whisper. “Harris?” I add registering my last name, not hers.
“I hope it’s okay. That’s the name we chose years ago,” she says quietly.
I smile wide. “It’s perfect. She’s perfect.” Her little chubby arms wave around happily in Amber’s hold. I drop down, aligning my body to hers. “Hi, princess,” I greet her softly, almost losing sight of her once again through the pooled moisture in my eyes.
Amber places her in my arms and I grin down at her with a happiness that I can’t ever recall feeling before.
“She’s never met a stranger,” Amber says as Sophia smiles wide, exposing her gums. My gaze lift to hers briefly and I notice the worry lines that creased her beautiful face earlier are gone. Her smile’s still cautious, but it’s a start.
I walk to the couch where I’d put down the pink bunny earlier. She grabs a fistful of its plush ear, squeezing it tight. I study her features, logging every one of them.
“Everything gets the death grip these days. You’re lucky you don’t have long hair,” Amber says lightly.
I nod, unable to speak.
Amber…
When he returned after storming out of here tonight I expected him to be drunk or high—maybe both. To my surprise, he wasn’t. He was healthy, reminding me of the old Austin. He was attentive and patient, learning all he could about her in such a short amount of time. He quizzed me about my pregnancy, wanting to know everything about the delivery and whether or not I knew she was a girl beforehand. I was dizzy with guilt as I filled him in on the details of her life, his eyes full of remorse and pain through many of my stories. Thankfully, Sophia was her usual happy self, using her charm repeatedly to replace his scowl with joy.
I do everything I can to occupy myself while I wait impatiently for him to return from Sophia’s room. He’d insisted on putting her down. Actually, he insisted on doing everything. He’s excellent with her, and on more than one occasion tonight I’ve caught myself pretending that we could be the family that we talked about having so long ago.
How can someone be gone so long from your life and then step back in like they’ve never left?
“She’s asleep.” His deep voice fills the quiet as he walks into the living room.
“Thank you,” I say, unable to look at him for fear that he’ll see the thoughts that have been running through my head.
He pauses on the other side of the room, and an almost inaudible curse comes from him before determined steps lead his body to within inches of mine. I straighten my posture and lift my gaze to his in an effort to appear strong. With unwavering purpose¸ he crashes our lips together, his tongue thrusting and rolling with vigor, exploring my mouth and bringing a wave of heat over my body and a fire in my center. I moan as his strong arm wraps around my waist, pulling me tighter against him. With a gentle tug of my lower lip with his, he breaks our connection, leaving me breathless.
He rests his forehead against mine, aligning our eyes. “That’s what I thought,” he says confidently before taking a deep breath. “As much as I want to take you in the other room and lose myself in you, we can’t. We have a lot to work out, Amber.”
My gaze drops from his. “Look at me, Am,” he demands softly. “Thank you for her. She’s amazing, beautiful, and mine. Just like her mother,” he adds quietly before a slow, confident smile forms.
I nod, unable to form a word around the lump that’s suddenly planted itself in my throat. “Amber, look at me,” he demands again as his head lifts from mine and his hands rest on my neck.<
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I lift my tear-filled eyes to meet his. “I’m sorry about what I said earlier. Everything you said was true, and it hurt hearing it from the only person who has ever mattered, so I lashed out. I don’t hate you. I could never hate you.” A sob rolls from my mouth as the tears begin to fall. His strong arms wrap around me pulling me into him within seconds.
“Sunshine.”
I cry harder at the nickname and wrap my arms around him. As his hold tightens, a sense of comfort soothes my soul. For months, I’ve been running. At first, I’d feared he wasn’t strong enough to handle the news, but then I knew it was because I wasn’t strong enough to tell him.
Hearing his soothing voice and feeling his strong arms wrap me tight helps me to forget all of the worry and fear. “I’m so sorry, Austin. I never wanted to hurt anyone,” I say with another sob.
“It’s okay, Amber. We’ll figure it out.” His lips press against the top of my head and I nod, trying to reign in my tears.
“Amber, promise me no lawyers.” I push from his arms to meet his gaze. He lifts his hand and gently pushes away the loose strands of hair from my face, tucking them behind my ear. “I would never take her from you or fight with you. I want this to work between us. Promise me, please?”
I watch him carefully and although I don’t fully understand what he sees working between us, I see the seriousness in his expression and give a subtle nod. He draws me in once again, holding me tight.
“Thank you.” Relief coats his words.” I have a few days before I need to be back in the studio in New York.” A pang of sadness hits me. “I want you to come home with me.”
Anxiety rolls through me at the thought. His brother already hates me. He’ll despise me after this.
“It’ll be okay, Am. I promise,” he says as if he’s hearing my thoughts.
“Not yet, Austin.”
I feel his subtle nod as he accepts my answer. “Is my name on her birth certificate?” His question breaks the silence, catching me by surprise.
“No,” I mumble with shame.
“I’ll call my attorney tomorrow to get it fixed.”