by Lynn Rider
“Her son, Austin Harris.”
She smiles again and turns to the computer screen. Her fingers tap away diligently as I study the room. Once I’m checked in and screened, I pass through several small areas before moving toward the back of the building. My arrival unnoticed, I take a few seconds to take in her beauty. She looks peaceful, a cup of coffee in her hand as she gazes out to the bay. Sadness overwhelms me that I don’t have one fucking memory of my childhood that resembles this one right here. She was always restless… unless she was passed out.
Her face turns and shock overtakes the calmness I was just witness to. She stands and for a minute we just stare at one another, cautiously waiting for the other to make a move.
“Austin,” she whispers.
A jolt of regret hits me that she’d be this surprised to see her own son. “Mom,” I say, stepping forward.
Her smile morphs into happiness. “Do you want a cup of coffee? A pastry?” she asks, looking over at the table. A coffee pot sits next to a platter of donut looking things.
“No, I’m fine. I ate at home.” The words slip from my mouth without recognition of what I’ve just said until her face tells me. “I ate at the hotel,” I correct.
She nods and silently offers me a seat with a wave of her hand. “I guess when you have your career, hotels must feel like home,” she says as she slides into her seat.
“How’ve you been?” I ask.
“Good. Better,” she says through a deep breath. “I mean, I’m better. Figuring out my shit.” Her gaze turns toward the bay. “How about you? Are you doing good? I’m keeping up a little by way of Ashton. He says you’re back in the band and that you’re getting ready to release another album.” She fires out her words nervously.
I force a smile. I’m pissed that she would have to find out what’s going on with me through him. But I’ve helped to make it that way.
“Yeah, things are better for me than they’ve ever been,” I say, thinking of Amber and Sophia.
“You’ve met someone?”
“No, that’s none of your concern. I’m here because Ashton says you’ve been asking about me.” I realize my words come out harsher than I intend when I see the subtle cringe. I don’t need her in my personal life, she doesn’t deserve that.
“Sorry. I just keep my personal life just that.” I say trying to apologize for my lash out.
She nods and we both fall silent for several minutes. “So tell me about the band. How are the boys?”
“They’re not boys anymore. We’re all grown men,” I say, pointing out that she missed the boy stage.
“Yeah, I guess you are. But when you get to be my age, you’ll always be boys.” She offers a soft laugh and the foreign sound of it punches me in the gut. “You could be old and gray, but I’ll always remember the starry-eyed dreamers you all once were.” She laughs louder, sending another punch.
“They’re all good.”
“What about Kyle’s girlfriend, that little blonde?” She pauses, searching for Kelly’s name. “Kelly! That was her name. She used to ride her bike up and down the street with Amber. Those two little girls were really something with their sassy attitudes and blonde hair. They knew what they were capable of. I bet they’re beautiful now.”
“They’re fine and, yes, both are beautiful,” I say, not passing up an opportunity to compliment my girl.
She studies my face. “I’m sorry things didn’t work out between you and Amber. I know how much you loved her.”
“Stop,” I demand angrily. “Who do you think you are to sit here and tell me how sorry you are that we didn’t make it? Do you think your pity means anything to me? If anything, I pity you. You drank and snorted your entire life away while others needed you. Your boys needed you!” I stand.
“I’m sorry, Austin. I don’t think I’ve ever said that to you before and I know I’ve never felt it like I do sitting here today. Your entire life was a blur to me. I’ve missed so much.”
“I can’t accept that. Not yet,” I say before turning and walking out.
I walk from the building through the light rain. The coldness it offers with its mist does nothing to extinguish the rage inside of me. As I climb behind the wheel, I’m coiled tight with anger, frustration, hurt. I fucking hate when I feel this way. It’s been months since I’ve felt this—the day I learned of Sophia to be exact. I had Dave to help me that day, but today I’m alone. I’d wanted it that way.
“Stupid fucking move, Austin,” I murmur to myself.
I take a few calming breaths that do no good before I know what I have to do. I start the truck and pull from the parking lot.
I’m on a mission.
Amber…
I pace the length of my apartment, wearing down the fibers of the area rug under my path. He left here hours ago and I have no idea where to look for him; I’m not even sure if he made it. I dial his number again and like the other dozen or so times, it goes directly to voicemail.
I’m tempted to call Ashton to see if he can gain any information from the rehab center Austin was supposed to visit this morning, but as I stare at my phone, I think better of it. He’d be pissed if Austin were doing something he shouldn’t be. Who am I kidding? I’ll be pissed too. I haven’t doubted him in weeks and until that last thought, his using never crossed my mind.
I shake my head, trying to ward off the cloud of doubt that suddenly hovers over me. It’s ability to rain down poison, filling my head with anger and imagery, isn’t allowed. I’m sure there’s a logical explanation.
The shrill of my phone breaks through the silence of my apartment. I run to the counter and pick it up. I’m disappointed, but hopeful when I see Dave’s name and number flash across the screen. Anticipating news of Austin’s whereabouts, I answer it anxiously.
“Amber, it’s Dave.”
“Hey.”
“Have you seen Austin?” he asks.
“No, I was hoping you were him. He left here about five hours ago to go see his mom. I don’t know if he ever made it.”
“He made it, but he left there upset.”
“How long ago?”
“He left there about four hours ago.” I hear the heavy footsteps and know he’s on the move.
“Do you have any ideas?”
“No, I’m going to look. Stay put in case he comes to you. Call me if he does.” His deep voice is full of authority as he slips back into bodyguard role.
“Okay.” I hear the click on the line and know he’s hung up. I let out a heavy exhale of a breath before sinking in the chair.
The key in the lock jars me from the couch. Standing upright, I wait for him to get in the apartment fully. He puts down some bags and turns in my direction, but his steps falter when he looks up and sees my rigid form silently appraising his every move. His eyes flit to the playpen, then to Sophia’s walker. His gaze connects with mine and a smile forms. “What’s up babe?” he asks with no hint of a slur.
“I’ve been worried.”
His eyes soften as he walks toward me and frames my face in his hands. “Why didn’t you call me?” he asks before brushing his lips against mine. I melt into him with relief. “Babe…”
Comforted by his mere presence, I press my face deeper against his firm chest. “I did call. You didn’t answer. Dave called. He’s out looking for you. I was so scared,” I sob.
He tightens his embrace. “Amber, I’m fine.” I hear the apology in his voice as he digs his phone from his pocket. “Fucking phone,” he mutters, pulling me in tighter. “I’m sorry, babe, it’s shut off. That’s the second time that’s happened. I’ll get a new one.” He kisses the top of my head and I coil my arms around his waist, drawing him in closer.
“You need to call Dave. He’s worried.”
Our arms simultaneously disentangle, but his touch remains. “Are you okay? I didn’t mean to worry you.” I nod, wiping the moisture from my cheeks with the pads of my fingers. “You sure? You look awfully upset,” he says softly with
a grin, bringing a smile to my face. “I got a way to cheer you up.” He waggles his brows.
“Go call Dave before he sends out a statewide manhunt.” I push him away playfully.
“It never gets old does it?” I ask when I find him in Sophia’s room quietly watching her sleep. He turns his head, looking over his shoulder at me as he straightens.
“Never. I’d pay admission to watch this,” he says softly, drawing me in with his arm. Her soft breathing is the only sound in the room as we gaze at our creation. “Do you want more?” he asks, breaking the silence.
I look up to meet his eyes. “Yes… Do you?”
“Yes,” he answers without hesitation. “I want her to have someone to lean on.” He kisses the top of my head. “Other than us,” he adds. “I want her to know that she has more than just her parents. I want her to have what I have and not what you have.”
He looks down at me with a mixture of sincerity and pain in his eyes. I know these thoughts stem from his visit with his mother. I’ve been on the edge of asking since he’s been home but haven’t, knowing he’ll tell me when he’s ready. “I’ve always had Ashton. No matter what she did or didn’t do, he was there. You had no one and that still eats me up.”
I take him by the hand, leading us from Sophia’s room and into mine. “Aus, tell me about today,” I say, sitting on the bed facing him.
He swallows hard, and I watch the pain briefly wash over his eyes before it clears. “I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t hear her apologize for never being there. It’s still unacceptable to me. It was too much,” he says hoarsely. I reach out and cup my hand along his strong jaw, feeling the tightness of its clench.
“I can’t deal with her yet. It’s too much too soon.” He brings my doubt to the surface for the second time today. Only this time I’m in a place to fight. For him. For us.
“What does she make you feel?” I ask as my brown eyes hold his green captive. Watching carefully, I see my answer as a myriad of emotions flash across his face. I wait silently for him to find the right words.
“I don’t know what I feel. Anger… Pain… Resentment… Loved… Unloved… Regret… Hope.” He’s spitting the words out as his mind processes the emotions of dealing with her.
“Okay, let’s talk about that. You said loved and hope. Let’s focus on those. They sound like words for the future. We can’t change the past. We know that better than most,” I say, swinging two fingers between us. He watches my hand before giving me a subtle nod.
“Why do you think you’re loved by her?”
“I saw it. Her eyes were clear for the first time I can remember and I saw it. She was nervous. She wanted me to like her.”
“Of course she should care. You’re her son and we want to do right by our children. I want to be a better mother than mine was to me, and I want a better father for them than my own father was to me. Don’t you?”
He smiles as his eyes fill with love. “Of course, babe. You know that.”
“I do.” I lean up and kiss him chastely on the lips. “Thank you for that.” I wink and his smile widens. “Let’s talk about hope. What do you hope for?”
“I hope I’ll be able to forgive her. To move past this and forge some sort of relationship. I hope that she’ll be healthy one day. Healthy enough to see Sophia and all her brothers and sisters grow up. That Sophia will have better memories of her than I do because I don’t have one good memory of her. Not one, Amber. How does that happen?”
“I don’t know, babe, but it’s not too late for you, Ashton, or Sophia. And all her brothers and sisters” I add the last dryly.
He chuckles softly. “You like how I threw that in there?” he asks with a proud grin.
“Yeah, we’ll come back around to that,” I tease.
He tackles me to the mattress. “I want to come to that now.”
“Austin, we’re talking.” I shriek playfully when his hand snakes down the front of my yoga pants and under my panties.
“I’m done talking.” I giggle as he rubs the short scruff on his face against the delicate skin below my ear. His strong legs part mine, giving him better access as he pulls my tank top down, exposing my breasts. “I love you, Amber. I should have come straight home to you. You always know how to make me feel better.”
“Where did you go?” I ask just before his fingers graze my clit and dip inside my body. My breath hitches as he begins featherlight touches against the delicate spot that throws me into ecstasy with little effort.
“Do you really want to have this conversation right now?” he asks as he brushes it again. I nod, unable to speak. “Really?” He applies pressure and the build starts.
“Aus,” I whisper, forgetting about anything prior to what he has me feeling in this moment. He draws my nipple into his mouth, sucking hard as his thumb lands on my clit.
“Fuck…”
I quiver under his touch, riding out the last wave of my orgasm with my pebble-hard nipple firmly in his mouth and his fingers running softly against my moistened folds.
I breathe heavily, opening my eyes to see the love I feel reflected back from him.
“I love you, Amber West. More than I can ever express. Do you know that?”
I nod, the knot in my throat making it impossible to answer. He stands, looking at me through darkened eyes as he hooks his fingers in the waist of my yoga pants and gently tugs, lowering them off my body. With light kisses starting at my ankles, he climbs over me, his elbows supporting his weight and pushing down the mattress on either side of my body.
“Can I ask you a question?” His voice clears of all playfulness as he gazes into my eyes.
“You just did,” I whisper back. His crooked grin forms for a brief minute before it falls, allowing the seriousness to take over again. He gently strokes the loose hair away from my face. “When you were worried today, did you think I was using?” His eyes stay trained on me and I know he’s searching for the truth.
“I thought about calling Ashton, but I didn’t because I thought he would think you may be using. That’s when it first crossed my mind.”
“How long had you been worried up to that point?”
“A few hours.”
I see the slow smile form before he lowers and kisses me softly. “I’ll never fail you again, Amber. Even with all the fucked up shit I was feeling, when I left there, it never crossed my mind to use. Not drugs, not even alcohol.”
I pull my lips tight, trying to hide my happiness, but my efforts are lost. My heart soars with his confession and my smile breaks free. It feels good. Damn good.
“Where’d you go?” I ask.
His smile widens. “The toy store.”
“You spent all afternoon at the toy store?” I ask with playful skepticism.
“I spent about an hour there on my way home. I got noticed and had to leave.” He shrugs.
“Where were you on your way home from?”
“Can’t a man have some secrets?” he whines in a high voice.
I push him off me and land on top of him, pinning him to the mattress. I feel the hard length of his dick straining against his pants. “Where were you?” I ask as I gyrate my body against his.
“Babe, if you think this is torture you need to work on your technique. I could do this all night. Torture me some more… I’ll never tell!” He laughs. I swing my leg off of him to get up, but he grabs me firmly, pulling me back on top.
“Okay, that would be torture. I kinda need your help with this thing.” His gaze drops low before righting his eyes back on mine. I look at him sternly, wanting to know the answer. “I’ll show you tomorrow. I would tonight, but it’s dark. Tomorrow morning I’ll take you and Sophia to see what I was doing today.”
I nod as I try to pull myself up.
“Oh no, you’re not going anywhere.” He pulls me back on the bed and flips me under him. His lips land on me and, despite his playfulness, his kiss is soft, reverent, and I lose myself quickly in it.
My legs wr
ap around his lean waist, drawing him in closer before I begin to rock against the bulge that’s still confined under the denim. He lifts his body, pulling at his clothes, but never breaks the soft attention of his mouth against mine. When I feel the last shrug of his pants and hear the sound of their weight hitting the floor, I wrap my legs around him once again. He guides himself through my center, filling my body completely, and together we work in unison, building a soft rhythm.
“I love you, Austin Harris,” I say, framing his face with my hands.
He pushes my errant hair from my forehead. “Enough to become Amber Harris?” he asks, holding my gaze. For the first time since he walked back in my life, he’s mentioning marriage, but there’s no panic, no stress, and no wanting to run. I’m right where I want to be.
I’m home.
I tap my finger against my parted lips, feigning thought. “I’ll give you the wedding of your dreams.” He grins, knowing I don’t want a wedding. I’ve only ever wanted to be married. No fuss, no guests, just the two of us on a beach in Hawaii.
“What if my dream wedding has changed?” I tease.
“I’ll give you that one too. I’ll give you anything and everything, Amber.” His strokes deepen, becoming more precise. It’s difficult to think when he rotates his hips and glides into my body with the delicious friction of each stroke.
“Think about it,” he says huskily just before my orgasm rips from my body. After several more strokes, he presses deep into my body with his release. He glides in and out slowly, giving me every last drop before resting his head on my shoulder.
“I love you, Amber Harris.”
Austin…
“You ready, girls?” I ask with a clap as I enter the living room. Both of my blonde beauties look my way and I’m reminded of what a lucky son of a bitch I am.
“She’s almost done with her breakfast,” Amber says, scraping some orange goop from Sophia’s lower lip.
“What is that?” I ask with disgust, inspecting the stuff with a sniff.
“Carrots. Go away, you’re distracting her.” She laughs.
“How am I distracting her? I’m just standing here.”
“Austin, any time you’re in the room you’re all she sees.” I walk into the kitchen, looking over my shoulder to see Sophia’s eyes trained on me. I snicker as I get the milk from the fridge.