The Villain's Guide to Better Living

by Neil Zawacki

  lighting Why not go with incandescent salamanders? They’re portable, clean burning, renewable, and fuel efficient. Just beware the violent conflagrations that may result should you forget to feed them in a timely manner.

  quick fixes The recent popularity of a certain young sorcerer is a double-edged magic sword. On the downside, it’s made wizards like yourself seem less threatening. On the up, it’s made wizard furnishings widely available at discount chains and drugstores. So trade your wizard hat for a baseball cap, slip on some dark glasses and a fake moustache, and head to the mall, because it’s time to load up on bargain-priced cauldrons, brooms, and crystal balls. Scratch off that cursed lightning-bolt logo and nobody will know your terrible secret. Unless, of course, you fall under a truth spell.

  Galactic Warlord’s Cosmic Compound

  abode Federal space station or an interstellar palace? The choice is yours. Just be sure it has a moon deck and those snazzy whooshing automatic doors. They really impress visitors and can be used to crush those who rise up against you.

  decorating A sterile, imposing look tells alien invaders you’re not to be messed with. Stick with whites and metallics, and keep the accessories to the necessary basics. Shackles are a must for keeping your captives in place. You’ll definitely need lots and lots of robots, and a trapdoor leading to a gigantic alien monster, your ill-tempered pet. This comes in handy whenever any mystic warriors stop by demanding that you release their friend from carbonite. Finally, don’t forget lots of mirrors, for checking out your cool Fu Manchu moustache.

  furniture You can’t have the dining-room chairs sliding all over the house every time you run into a meteor storm, so built-in retractable furniture is pretty much the only way to go. Warm things up with throw rugs made of space mammoth hides.

  lighting Floating orbs of light are generally preferred. Laser beams are a colorful alternative, although they tend to disintegrate any passersby who walk through them. A final idea: everybody likes sconces.

  quick fixes It’s easy to transform your parents’ basement into an out-of-this-world outer-space lounge. But covering everything with foil is a rookie move. Instead, coat the furniture in pewter-colored craft paint. Reupholster the cushions in sparkly fun fur, and cover the linoleum with a fluffy flokati rug. Mirrors and metallic mobiles lend a swanky feel. Add some futuristic lamps and a few chrome end tables, and you’re cleared for takeoff.

  A moon deck and those snazzy whooshing

  automatic doors really impress visitors.

  Keeping organized will help you accomplish much more evil.

  Housekeeping

  cleaning your lair No one enjoys cleaning. But, like death, taxes, and the occasional nuclear accident, it’s unavoidable. Even villains have to tidy up from time to time. And it’s an endeavor you’ll have to oversee yourself. Sure, you could entrust the chores to your evil henchmen, but they tend to steal, and they’re clumsy with the good china. It’s so hard to find decent help these days.

  Now, we know what you’re thinking: “But I like a dirty, dusty chamber of gloom. Why do I need to clean?” Well, for starters, because it’s where you eat and sleep, and you need to maintain a certain level of hygiene. A little grime is fine—preferable, even—but there’s a limit. Sure, it helps if during a visit your enemy gets infected with flesh-eating bacteria, but not if you do. Furthermore, keeping organized will help you accomplish much more evil. You can hardly take over the world when your disintegration ray is hidden under a year’s worth of pizza boxes and Mountain Dew cans.

  You’ll therefore want to clean your lair at regular intervals (say, every other week, or once a millennium). Start by dealing with the big things: trash fires, cauldron spills, and dragon accidents. To remove any unsightly stains simply consult the sidebar on page 35. You may also want to think about Scotchgarding your lair. For scorch marks and acid holes, board up the room and never look back.

  Next you’ll tackle the clutter. While you may be proud of your many weapons and collector plates, leaving them scattered about is distasteful. You need to find a place to store them, such as a closet, bedroom, or orbiting space station. If there’s still not enough space, just get rid of them by tossing them in a bottomless pit or volcano. You do need room for your new mad experiments, after all.

  Acid spills have ruined many a fetching frock.

  Some Common Stains and Ways to Get Them Out

  blood This is fairly easy—just soak the item in cold water and apply spot remover. If that doesn’t work, consider changing your color scheme to red.

  acid You won’t be able to do much about the holes, but the black marks can be fixed with a little bleach and free time.

  holy water Be careful here. Stand back and instruct an underling to treat the stain with copious amounts of vinegar. He’ll die a horrible death, but at least the holy water will be removed.

  slime You’ll be relieved to learn that most sewage-based stains can be treated with rubbing alcohol and a clean cloth. Entrails are more difficult, and steel-wool pads may be needed to remove baked-on, caked-on goo.

  black hair dye Sorry, but this stuff never comes out. That’s what you get for deciding to be the slickest villain of them all.

  Home Security

  protecting your home Home security is very important, even to bad guys like yourself. There are all sorts of nefarious folk out there—salesmen, census workers, Girl Scouts—who want nothing but to do you ill. You will therefore want to employ the best security system possible, not just to protect your family (what have they ever done for you?) but to safeguard your piles and piles of wealth. Sweet, sweet gold. Gold never hurts your feelings.

  The classic villain security system is a moat/spiked fence combo. The moat can be occupied by a ravenous tentacle monster, while the fence provides nearly impenetrable security. For added protection, consider a wall of brambles. It’s fairly easy to maintain, and the pricklies really do hurt.

  If hardware’s not your thing, you may want to consider magic. A spell can make your home invisible to the naked eye, or it can prompt fireworks to shoot off whenever anyone gets too close. A charm that induces slumber in visitors is another favorite, as it both prevents entrance and provides you with tasty people-snacks for your dragon. Forgetfulness charms are another excellent option, making intruders forget why they came in the first place. Spend your money on home protection—you’ll be glad you did.

  The classic villain security system is a moat/spiked fence combo.

  Evil-doers can take a piece of nature and corrupt it to their liking.

  Gardening

  Villains aren’t big outdoors people. They’ll put a lot of energy into the lair, but very little into the lawn. That’s a shame. Your backyard is a great untapped resource. While most villains use theirs for storing their doomsday devices, consider transforming yours into a garden of doom. Nature is not the exclusive dominion of singing waifs and their bluebird companions. Evil-doers can take a piece of it too, and corrupt it to their liking. You simply have to decide what kind of garden you want.

  the poisonous garden One of the most popular options is the poisonous garden. Containing hemlock, nightshade, and the longtime favorite, belladonna, this sinister selection of plants will serve all your villainous needs. Simply grow them in your backyard and give them proper care, and you will gain a near-endless source of lethal toxins. Excellent for when you want to poison the princess or add a deadly edge to your blade, or simply make teatime more interesting.

  the carnivorous garden Another superb choice is a carnivorous garden of hungry meat eaters. You can fill your backyard with enormous Venus flytraps, Amazonian pitcher plants, and exotic shrubberies from outer space. These ravenous flora subsist entirely on flesh and are sure to bring a country feel, and plenty of entertainment, to your Gothic lair. This garden also has the added benefit of home security—any heroes or thieves who trespass late at night stand an excellent chance of being eaten.

  the endless hedge maze Evil-doers who
do not wish to maintain a traditional garden may want to consider an endless hedge maze instead. These living labyrinths can be crammed with all manner of deadly booby traps and lethal insects. Through simple space-warping technology they can be made endless, with vegetative passages that mislead visitors and circle back on themselves. Truly fiendish, and a great source of entertainment for your guests—and for you.

  Pest Control

  Pests and vermin are an unfortunate nuisance plaguing every estate. It might be pixies in the attic, gnomes in the garden, or mermaids in the bathtub. You might even encounter helpful house spirits, bearing offers of good luck in exchange for kind words and lodging. Your response to these freeloaders should always be the same: chase the fiends out and send them packing.

  For the most part a broom should do the job. Simply sweep up the spritely varmints and chuck them out a window. Should you wish to dump them with a more permanent method, however, you will need to purchase some fairy poison. Brewer’s yeast is particularly effective. Fairies can’t handle its healthy, foul-tasting effects. Just sprinkle it over favorite fairy foods like candied violets and caramels, and you’ll wake up fairy-free.

  If this tactic fails, you may have to resort to more drastic measures. You can hire an exterminator—expensive, but worth it for his or her fairy-trapping skills. Fumigation is another option, although it can be annoying, not to mention embarrassing, to have one’s castle draped in a striped tent. Know that in the end it will be worth it, because coming home to a lair without shoe-repairing elves is a most wonderful thing indeed.

  Simply sweep up the spritely varmints and chuck them out a window.

  Home Improvement

  fixing up that dungeon Have your fellow villains got you down? Are they making fun of you because your once dank and gloomy dungeon now has a hole in the ceiling, allowing fresh sunlight to beam through? Fret not, my fiend. With just one afternoon of work you can have your dungeon fixed up as dismally as in the olden days!

  The prison should be your primary area of focus. Check to make sure nobody has escaped, and give the locks and bars a good cleaning. Make sure the doors are properly creaky, and attach a ball and chain to any captive who has grown too unruly. Decorate with a few dangling skeletons, and your prisoners will soon be oohing and aahing over their ghastly new cells!

  The torture chamber should be next on your list, though it may be the most difficult restore. Frequency of use means wear and tear, so you may have to break down and purchase a new cat-o’-nine-tails. Most iron maidens can be repaired with some iron spikes, however, and motor oil works wonders for dirtying up your thumbscrews. Your rack, sadly enough, is probably on its last legs, so just throw it out and get a new one.

  See? That wasn’t so hard, and what a difference a day makes! You can now show off your dungeon without shame. Why not reward yourself with a nice glass of pickled fairy juice? You’ve earned it.

  Decorate with a few dangling skeletons, and your prisoners will soon

  be oohing and aahing over their ghastly new cells!

  3

  Health

  Conquering the known universe takes a lot out of a person, so it’s time to focus on a matter that should be of great importance to you—your health. You may roll your three eyes at this, confident in your ability to pick up tractors and launch them at your enemies, but this superior prowess will not last forever. You need to maintain your intimidating physique, watch what you eat, and be prepared for horrible diseases. Think about it: If you haven’t got your health, you haven’t got anything (except an army of minions, a castle, and piles of gold).

  Nutrition and Lifestyle

  obtaining that sickly glow One of the surest signs that a villain is in proper health is a sickly glow. Pallid skin, prematurely white hair, profuse sweating…these mean you are doing something right. But how to attain such a dismal state? There are several ways.

  Though not recommended, you can go the cosmetic route. Makeup, hair dye, and a water spritzer all work wonders toward achieving the “near dead” look. But it is not just a look we’re talking about here—it’s your actual health, metabolism, and eating habits. You will need to pay attention to your lifestyle itself if you are serious about coming off like an ailing wreck.

  So what should you do? How about spending an hour each day bathing in pond muck? Or ravaging your body through dark magic? You can also subject yourself to horrible experiments that require you to inject yourself regularly with poisonous serums and toxins. Watching C-SPAN for any period of time will invoke a similar effect.

  By performing these simple acts, your body should begin to shrivel and you will gain that wonderful sickly pallor. Cats (other than yours) will hiss, townspeople will flee, and you’ll be secure in the knowledge that you’ll be around to menace the world for years to come.

  eating right Evil-doers are notorious for their poor eating habits. They’ll start tinkering with their rocket turrets, get too busy to cook a real meal, and subsist on junk food, flies, and empty calories instead. This inevitably results in low energy. If you want to become the greatest criminal mastermind possible, it’s time to put down that Twinkie and start eating right.

  You can achieve this through some simple changes in your diet. Stop eating any fruits and vegetables, as they will cause nothing but problems. Try the souls of the damned. Low in cholesterol and high in fiber, they are appetizer, meal, and just desserts all in one.

  Blood is another highly nutritious food, and it has the added benefit of putting a spring in your step. Listen to those vampires— they know what they’re talking about. Bitter tears are good for electrolytes, although they’re somewhat hard to obtain. You will need to spin tales of horrible sorrow to your subjects, and then lap up their tears while they’re sobbing. Failing that, rent Beaches.

  Obtaining that sickly glow.

  Life-Threatening Illness

  dealing with heart problems It is a sad fact of life that, as they age, many villains begin to develop heart problems. We speak not of the traditional mortal perils of heart disease and angina, although those can be concerns as well. No, we instead refer to that terrible lingering force called love.

  It can strike without warning. An ordinary evil-doer, with a heart two sizes too small, will wake one Christmas morning and suddenly regain the accursed ability to feel again. Don’t let that happen to you! Take preemptive measures! Too many villains have fallen from great heights, so we suggest that you enact a simple procedure to immunize yourself: Bury your heart in a jar underground.

  Any container will do, but we suggest one that can withstand the test of time and degrading effects of the environment. It won’t serve you well if your jar cracks a hundred years down the road and all manner of muck gets in. You may also want to place a charm inside to ward off holy prayers and spells as well as the ever-present problem of mold spores.

  As for removing your heart, it should be fairly easy provided you have lost all ability to feel and care. Simply apply a mild anesthetic and pluck your heart from your chest, placing it gently in the container of your choosing. You’ll then want to bury it six feet deep, along with a few decoy hearts. Mission accomplished, and a potential health crisis averted.

  Take preemptive measures: Bury your heart in a jar underground.

  An extra eye or tentacle is always helpful.

  Which Disease Is Right for You?

  Sometimes being healthy is not a villain’s best option. And while it’s true that disease has its downside—those embarrassing open-backed hospital gowns don’t look good on anyone—it also has its advantages. Sickness can do wonders for your skin, producing enchanting rashes and growths you’d never otherwise enjoy. It can make you meaner than you’ve ever hoped to be. Diseases can be your friend, so why not embrace one? Your evil nature should make you immune to their lethal properties, and the side effects will provide you with numerous delights. Some of the more popular choices:

  tomb rot Favored by necromancers and mummies alike, tomb rot
is the ailment for evil-doers who don’t like visitors. Should some foolish archeologists come knocking on your tomb, simply afflict them and watch them wither before your eyes!

  mutations Though they are not a disease per se, you may want to cultivate some mutations anyway. An extra eye or tentacle is always helpful, as is the ability to shoot spikes on command. To attain such aberrations, simply go down to your local toxic waste dump and roll around a bit.

  Disease As a Weapon

  the plague This spectacular disease managed to slay a third of Europe. Known for its high death rate and oozing pustules, the plague is smelly and fast-acting. Just think of the joys of having it at your command!

  spontaneous human combustion Previously considered a tragic phenomenon, spontaneous human combustion is now a villain’s delight. By gaining control over its fiery effects you can singe bystanders and toast a perfect marshmallow at the same time.

  rabies Villains who contract this delightful disease will suffer from uncontrollable rage and clouded judgment. Even better, anyone you bite will start foaming at the mouth within three days time! There will be no choice but to put them down like Old Yeller, provided they don’t get their own talk radio show first.

  chicken pox This childhood ailment is a villain’s dream come true. Besides vastly improving your appearance, it’s highly infectious and will cause any heroes you touch to break out in unsightly red spots. They will be forced to stop what they’re doing and spend the day in bed, leaving you free to rob banks with impunity.