The Villain's Guide to Better Living

by Neil Zawacki

  Welcome to the world of unemployment.

  The main way to do so is to register for unemployment. Don’t feel ashamed. Other masterminds have done so and it’s gotten them through the hard times. You just need to convince your caseworker that you have searched for employment (mind control rays are suggested), and, once you do, you’ll have enough to pay the rent on your lair till the end of the month. No sweat.

  Your problem then becomes one of finding activities to fill your sudden glut of free time. Motivated evil-doers can spend it performing such tasks as digging a bottomless pit, but most just end up wandering their castle in their bathrobe. Don’t despair if this happens to you, because another job will eventually be yours, and you’ll once again be running a criminal empire with the best of them.

  White Collar Crime

  If you are successful in your chosen career path, you’ll eventually break through the glass ceiling and become the Corporate Bastard you’ve always dreamed of being. The rules are a little different for the all-powerful, however. You’ll need a business strategy, methods for eliminating waste, and proven ways to transform your workers into a docile slave force.

  business tips and corporate “ethics”

  These days it is quite in vogue for an enterprise to have a code of conduct. Yours should be no exception. Follow these simple dictums, and you’ll be running a Fortune 500 company in no time!

  Leadership demands ruthlessness, contempt, and thick boots for grinding people underfoot.

  Teamwork requires sacrifice, often to the Dark Gods.

  Deliver what is expected and nothing more, unless it’s a knife in the back.

  Provide low-quality products that attack customers while they sleep.

  Do unto others before they do unto you.

  Do damage control unto others before they sue you.

  Promote strife and discord at all turns—it’s good for business.

  Bribery is, of course, at all times acceptable.

  The Golden Rule: Those who have the gold, rule.

  You’ll eventually break through the glass ceiling and become

  the Corporate Bastard you’ve always dreamed of being.

  Do not put much thought into

  whom you are firing.

  downsizing Members of upper management often have to take drastic steps in order to keep the business afloat. Deadwood and longtime workers nearing pension time have to be cast off in order for the corporation to thrive, and downsizing is the way to go. It’s a cost-saving measure that’s both utterly heartless and maliciously fun.

  Do not put much thought into whom you are firing. You can just tack the company roster on a dartboard and throw with abandon. Once you’ve got ten or twenty names, call them into your office and let them know that little Timmy won’t be getting his braces. They’ll beg and plead pathetically, and you can make a rousing game of it. When you finally get tired, send them on their way with a warning not to let the door hit them on the way out.

  There are a few repercussions to downsizing, however. Since your company will now be smaller, you will have less of a food source to draw upon. This is not necessarily a bad thing, considering you could stand to lose a few pounds. They lose their jobs, you lose the flab—in the end, it’s win-win.

  motivating your minions Evil-doers who manage to claw their way into management positions often discover their job is more difficult than previously imagined. Your minions won’t do what you tell them to do, and you hear them doing impressions of you when you leave the room. They’re just too lazy, too complacent, too unaware that you can recycle them as fire lighters. They have to be motivated. Fortunately, there are many wonderful ways to do this, applying positive or negative reinforcement:

  Whippings

  Bribery

  Lots and lots of shouting

  Ogre supervisors

  Free trips to the first circle of hell

  Solitary confinement in the supply closet

  A shiny gold star for whoever does best

  Your underlings should soon become a helpful slave force. Congratulations on becoming a true middle manager!

  There are many wonderful ways to motivate your minions.

  5

  Social Life

  Making fiends is easy. But making friends— that’s another story. It can be so hard to show your softer side, to smile without baring your fangs. And yet you must. No villain is an island, not even in this increasingly solitary world. You need allies, people to assist you in the darkest of hours. It may seem strange that villains require friends and significant others, but it’s the truth— who else will help you conquer the known world and subjugate the weak?

  Forging Alliances

  creating life One way to make friends is the wholly absorbing act of creating life. Whether in a mad scientist’s laboratory or high school chemistry classroom, this activity is guaranteed to bring new people into your life. And, if you have no family, it’s a great opportunity to make one.

  To start off, you’ll need to obtain some body parts. The local cemetery is an excellent source for these, and you’ll likely want to mix and match as you search for the best arms, legs, torso, and brain for your creation. Sew it all together with needle and thread, and be sure to attach bolts on the sides of the neck.

  You’ll now have to bring it to life. Electricity is your best bet, so hoist your creation up on a metal platform the next time a lightning storm rages. If you’re impatient, just use some tesla coils or the jumper cables from your car. The heart of your artificial human should soon begin to beat, and you’ll have a friend to last the ages.

  Please keep in mind that your patchwork monster will likely feel alone in this vast, uncaring universe. It is thus suggested that you build a bride for him. Undead monsters generally prefer shrieky, inarticulate ladies with bad perms. Together the three of you can sit around the dinner table like the best of friends, at least until the torch-bearing villagers arrive.

  Creating life is guaranteed to bring new people into your life.

  Secret societies.

  other ways to make friends One way to forge alliances is by offering assistance. Do you wish you could horn in on the clique that needs a fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse? Have they locked their keys in the car? Come to their aid, and it’ll be a favor not soon forgotten.

  When it’s your turn to need a hand, be sure to call in all the favors your new friends owe you. A friendship means nothing if you don’t exploit it, so be sure to recruit your pals when your temple of doom is raided by holy knights. And maybe, just maybe, your buddies won’t try to snatch up your empire for themselves.

  where to meet them:

  secret societies These ancient societies have existed for thousands of years and secretly control all the world’s governments. This is really true! An excellent place to network and find someone to accompany you to the hockey game.

  Seedy space bars.

  thieves’ underground The gathering place for all who break the law or just like to be bad. You can fence stolen objects here, buy a new set of lock picks or an election, and make all sorts of friends who will try to stab you when you’re not looking.

  seedy space bars Nowhere else will you find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. Alien bounty hunters, space pirates, and Martian thugs all gather together here, looking for a fight and a new drinking companion.

  demonic cults There are numerous occult circles filled with those who want nothing more than to summon demons and bring about the destruction of mankind. These are kindred spirits who should invite you into the fold immediately.

  the gym Watch out on this one. This is a gathering spot for villains, to be sure, but they are especially nefarious types like personal trainers. Venture with caution, and keep your hand on your wallet at all times.

  Mind Control

  Sometimes kind words and flattery just aren’t enough. No matter how much you cajole and plead, that evil mastermind won’t agree to be your friend. In these cases it is i
mportant to resort to more drastic methods.

  Hypnotism is a superb tool for control freaks. Utilized by such evil-doers as Rasputin, this method can make even the most iron-willed person cluck like a chicken. You simply need a pocket watch and spiraling eyes, and Anastasia will be your slave by lunchtime.

  Villains with supernatural powers can use them to cloud the minds of men, turning foes into friends. Vampires are excellent at entrancing the weak, demons possess a brilliant knack for corruption, and pod people just have a way of making you see things their way. If you’ve got an unholy gift, run with it!

  Technological wizardry is your other option, and the best choice for those not living in a fantasy world. All you have to do is invent or purchase an orbital mind-control laser, and that alliance you so desperately need will be yours. Friendship can’t be forced, people say, but those people are horribly, horribly wrong.

  Hypnotism: you simply need a pocket watch and spiraling eyes.

  Call your friend up on the phone (or scrying pool) and

  let him know you’re free for a few hours.

  How to “Hang Out”

  Now that you’ve got friends, you need to spend some time in their actual presence. This may seem odd, considering you already have their oath of fealty, but “hanging out” cements relationships and can even be somewhat fun. You may be confused by the social mores, however, so just do the following:

  Call your friend up on the phone (or scrying pool) and let him know you’re free for a few hours. Hint that failure to meet will result in unbridled destruction. Disconnect the call, and then pop in the shower to get rid of the smell of chemical fires. Dress casually, and don’t forget to bring along a chest of ill-gotten gold for some spending money.

  When you arrive at your pal’s place, greet him in a positive manner. At no point should you attack or behead him—that’s for enemies, and this guy’s your friend. Ask him about his day, and feign interest in everything he says.

  When the topic of conversation switches to you, hold forth on your many achievements and allow him to praise you sufficiently. Accept any offerings or graven images, and once an appropriate amount of time has passed, depart. If he has done well, let him know that he has performed his role admirably, and that you will give him a favorable reference in the future.

  Good Pets for Villains

  Evil-doers who are unable to make any friends may want to seek out animal companionship. Pets will stay with you when humans will not, miffed over some supposed gaffe like spilling acid on the rug or exiling them from the kingdom. Head to your local pet shop and pick out a new friend, with possibilities including…

  dragon A true classic, dragons are the ideal pet for villains who have large piles of gold that need guarding. Simply feed them the occasional princess and rub their belly nightly, and you’ll have a friend that will last the ages.

  fluffy white cat The favored pet of criminal masterminds around the world. Revealing your master plan just isn’t the same without holding one of these fancy felines in your arms.

  moat monster Notable for their many tentacles, moat monsters are practical only if you have a large body of water to keep them in. Bathtubs will suffice, but this tends to make using the bathroom a bit difficult.

  one-eyed alien Believe it or not, a crashed UFO can sometimes mean a new friend. One-eyed aliens make excellent pets for those who don’t mind the language barrier and high long-distance bills.

  hellhound Man’s best friend, provided the man is an unholy evil-doer. Fiercely destructive and cloaked in flames, the hellhound will hunt down your enemies and fetch their heads to play with. Good boy.

  creepy crawlies Snakes, and spiders, and centipedes, oh my! These ghastly critters can be a villain’s delight, provided you are not too squeamish. They’re quiet company, but you can snack on them when they multiply.

  The fuffy white cat and the hellhound

  are favored pets of evil-doers.

  Entertaining at home is an excellent way to increase your social status.

  Entertaining

  Villains who make a heap of friends may want to consider inviting them over from time to time. Entertaining at home is an excellent way to increase your social status. It’s also a convenient time to bump off any potential rivals or evil-doers who’ve stuck you with the dinner check. Party on!

  party preparation Planning a successful party is a complicated endeavor. Preparation is key, and there are many questions you must ask yourself: What kind of music? Do you want dancing? Games? Looting?

  Choose your guests carefully. Aliens and demons tend not to get along, and it’s always awkward when mad scientists fight with their creations. Prevent such ugly events by inviting only the coolest evil-doers to your party, unless you count on fights as part of the entertainment.

  Your lair will need to be spruced up. Let the dragon out, and try to spend at least ten minutes cleaning. Decorate with the usual spiders and skeletons. If you’re feeling fancy, you might want to embellish with a caged slime monster or some streamers. Put out some tasty refreshments, and when the sky finally darkens, open your doors and wait for your guests to arrive.

  Keep in mind that many of your visitors will be “fashionably late.” That’s all right—they’ll show up once they’re done invading whatever country they’re after that day. When they finally arrive, greet them warmly, and point them toward the poisonous punch.

  Top Evil Party Themes

  under the sea It’s an aquatic adventure as creatures from the deep rise up and party with your pals! Tentacled bartenders, underwater cities, and motion sickness are just a few of the elements you’ll enjoy with this great choice.

  fall of Rome Enjoy every decadence and some catchy fiddle music as Rome burns to the ground. Don your toga, drink and eat to your heart’s content, and don’t forget to use the vomitorium when you’re through.

  nightmare realm All your guests’ worst fears are realized at this party where nightmares come true! Up With People, the lambada, and a no-host bar—your guests won’t be able to stop screaming!

  totally tiki The island natives are restless, and boy do they like to party! Get ready to worship pagan gods and throw virgins into a volcano in this tiki-themed paradise sure to enthrall your grass-skirted guests.

  space invaders The aliens have arrived, and they’re hungry for humans! That doesn’t mean they don’t like to party, though, so put on a space suit and prepare to dance the night away as your space brethren try to convince you that To Serve Man is not a cookbook.

  pajama party Grab a sleeping bag and a toothbrush because you’re staying over tonight in your best friend’s lair! Play secret kissing games, do each other’s hair, and cast terrible hexes at this classic all-night party. Light as a feather, stiff as a board.

  end of the world The apocalypse is here, so it’s time to party like never before! Watch the seas boil and the sky fall as fire consumes the earth and leaves humanity nothing but a memory. There’s still time for a quick drink, though, so grab them while they’re cold!

  Totally Tiki.

  Pajama Party.

  good party tricks Sometimes it’s hard to get your party rolling. Your guests stay off the dance floor no matter how hypnotic the beat, and even the Chex Mix fails to bring a smile. To counteract this lethargy you need drastic measures. It’s time for party tricks.

  Villains not yet versed in the occult should learn to perform magic to enhance their usual dirty tricks. Classics like “Make the Hero Disappear” and “Saw the Sidekick in Half” are great crowd-pleasers, and you’ll get even bigger laughs when you claim you can’t put the sidekick back together. When you finish by transforming yourself into an armor-plated robotic juggernaut, you’ll get a standing ovation!

  While they may seem juvenile, balloon animals are another great way to get cheers. No one can resist balloon scorpions, worms, toads, or bloated ticks. If you really want to impress your guests, wow them with your amazing ability to read minds. Embarass the hell out o
f them.

  While they may seem juvenile, balloon animals are

  another great way to get cheers.

  dance for evil-doers For your party to be a real success, there will have to be dancing. Even demons like to kick up their heels now and then, and, as such nefarious characters as the Lord of the Dance have shown us, it can be a fiendish thing indeed.

  First you’ll want to choose the music. It can be acid rock, techno, or even the weeping of your prisoners, as long as there’s a beat you can dance to. Ghost bands are fun, although they’ll probably only know the oldies. Artificially intelligent robot DJs are cheap but unpredictable. Another fun option: reanimated mariachis. Olé!

  Next, you’ll need a dance floor. Clear away your failed experiments and piles of spell books. Keep in mind that guests with tentacles may need extra room to really flail about. Black lights, strobes, night-vision goggles, spinning disco balls, interdimensional gateways, and wormholes will guarantee a trippy dance party.

  All that’s left is to get your fellow villains out on the dance floor. This may take some doing, as Necromancers and Galactic Tyrants tend to be a bit self-conscious about their bodies. But even the most hardened henchman can’t resist the evil of Ricky Martin. Put on “La Vida Loca,” and you’ll soon have all the bad boys dancing like crazy!

  Black lights, strobes, night-vision goggles, spinning disco balls,

  interdimensional gateways, and wormholes will