by Lane, Bayli
“We all arem” I say, irritated that he won’t just say what he came to say. “Seriously, you didn’t come here to look at my photos did you?”
He walks away from the photos and comes towards me. I suck in a breath as he stands inches in front of my face. “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings. I don’t want to hurt you. You have enough people in your life that do that. I don’t want to be another.” He looks into my eyes and continues, “I don’t like thinking you’re angry with me. I don’t like being angry with you. But… I don’t understand how you can be friends with someone like Lauren,” he asks. “She can’t possibly be a good friend to you. From what Clarissa says, she isn’t.”
My eyes soften at his words. “Clarissa doesn’t know Lauren. She only knows what I told her when I was angry. Lauren is a good friend to me. I know that you don’t like her because of what happened between your families, but there had to have been some good times between the two of you, right?”
He shakes his head. “We never really got along all that well. She wasn’t a good person then, and she isn’t a good person now. It only worsened when we found out about our parents.”
How would he know whether or not she’s a good person now? As far as I know they haven’t seen each other since they were kids, and no one can assume how a person will turn out by how they acted when they were that young.
“She’s not a bad person, Colton. She can be kind of crazy and lord knows she can’t keep her mouth shut when she’s thinking of something, but she’s been my best friend for years and never really hurt me. We’ve had normal arguments, but that’s it. She’s been like a sister. I’d know if she wasn’t a good person.”
He sucks in his lip ring and looks at my face—not just my eyes, he takes in my entire face. I don’t know what he’s looking for, but he’s sure taking his sweet time looking at me. Naturally, I start rubbing the back of my neck nervously. His lips let go of his lip ring and his tongue flicks out to dampen his lips. I watch every move, my chest rising and falling heavily.
He nods, giving up on the Lauren subject for now. “So if you’re done with Sander, why do you still have pictures of him up?”
I freeze. I just stand there, completely still, wondering how much I should tell him. “Uh-” I gulp, “We aren’t together.” That’s true enough, we’re on a break. “I’m not ready to take down the pictures yet.” I will probably never take down those pictures.
“You’re okay with looking at him after what happened?” he asks.
“I have more good memories with him than bad ones,” I state and then walk over to the pictures. I point to the one where I’m wearing a gold slinky dress that falls to the floor in silky waves. The front is dipped low. My hair is pulled into an extravagant and classy twist on top of my head. Long earrings dangle from my ears, nearly touching my shoulders. Sander wears a nice black tux with a gold tie to match my dress. He is standing behind me with his arms wrapped around my stomach. We were both laughing. “This was senior prom.” I don’t look at Colton; instead I move on to the next picture.
This one is one of Sander having picked me up and thrown me over his shoulder. I am laughing, and Lauren is spraying us with a hose. “We showed up at Lauren’s, and she had already planned this prank. As soon as we got out of his car, she came after us with that hose. I guess I wasn’t running fast enough so Sander picked me up and went down the street.” I smile at the memory. “We got Lauren back. Shaving cream.” I giggle. “She was completely covered.”
I turn and look at him. He’s watching me, eyebrows drawn together. “You see we’ve all been friends for so long, I can’t just erase those memories,” I add. I grab the picture of Sander and I watching a movie. “It was never bad. We always got along. I mean we had the little bickering fights, but more often than not we were laughing. We were always together. He made me really happy. But everything has changed.” I frown and put the picture back on the wall. “Maybe I’m crazy for wanting to hold on to those memories, but I can’t seem to let them go,” I say in a whisper, not meaning to say the words out loud.
Colton reaches for my hand and turns me towards him. He looks at my hand in his, “It’s okay to remember the good times, Lilly. But it would be mistake to think just because things were great once that they will be again.” He frowns and then drops my hand. “He hurt you. If he did it once, he’ll do it again. Don’t go near him.”
I laugh, “Do you really think I’m never going to run into him on campus? He lives ten minutes away! We’re bound to see each other. Plus Lauren and Sander are still going to hang out.”
I can see the annoyance in his features. “If you see him, walk the other way. Don’t let him near you.” He huffs, “And don’t get me started on what I think about your best friend hanging out with a guy that abused you.”
I want to yell, “He promised he would never touch drugs again. Ever! He promised.” But I couldn’t, because Colton would wonder who he made that promise to—and since I didn’t plan on telling Colton that I spoke with Sander, I had to keep my mouth shut.
“Are we okay?” Colton finally says after a brief silence when I didn’t answer him.
I sigh and sit down on my bed. “Colton-” I look pleadingly at him. “It’s not even like you did anything wrong. If what you said is what you think of me, then you can’t be sorry for it. It just hurts my feelings that you think so low of me. I mean… you really think I would ever purposely hurt you or any of my friends? I swear I wouldn’t. And naïve? Is it naïve that I don’t want to lose my friends? Is it naïve to believe in loyalty?”
I sit down and he sits next to me. His head rests several inches above my own. I don’t look up at him until he reaches up and gently turns my chin towards him. “I didn’t mean for it to come out the way it did. I think you are one of the kindest, most loyal, trustworthy people I have met. You see the good side in everyone. When you make a friend you try your hardest to keep them. That isn’t something I should make you feel bad for. Those are good qualities to have, not bad ones. But even good qualities can make you blind to what’s really happening in your life. Sometimes if all you see is good, you end up getting hurt. You can’t make yourself blind to bad things people are doing to you.”
“But I do see the bad things in people,” I argue. “Lauren irritates me like no one else can. I know that what Sander did is wrong. I know that.”
“But you believe the good they’ve done outweighs the bad, right?” he asks soothingly and tucks a loose piece of hair behind my ear.
I nod. “Yes, but that’s because the good does outweigh the bad.”
He shakes his head and frowns. “I really hope that you don’t have to learn the hard way that sometimes people just change for the worse.” He frowns at me. “But I really am sorry for making it sound like you’re anything like Steph and Lauren; you’re not. I know that; I was just mad.”
I know there is no use in arguing with him over Steph and Lauren so I just leave it and accept his apology. “Thank you.” I smile weakly. “If I would have known that you and Lauren knew each other, I would have never brought her. I won’t force you two to be around each other. That would just be a train wreck waiting to happen.”
He laughs. “I think it’d be worse than a train wreck. It’s probably a good idea to keep us very, very far apart.” He looks around. “Speaking of which, where is Lauren?”
“I don’t know. She hasn’t really been home again since the bar. I think she comes home when I’m not here.”
“Guess she’s mad about you and Clarissa getting so close?” he asks.
“She’s mad because she thinks I was talking bad about her, when I was really just talking about my problems in general to Clarissa. She doesn’t see the difference.” I frown. “Anyway, let’s not talk about Lauren right now, ‘kay?”
“Sure. So you busy?” Colton asks.
I stand up and gesture to myself in my overly comfy clothes. “Mhmm. So busy. I had loads of plans today.”
He laughs
. “Well do you want to watch a movie or something? I’m not doing anything either.”
I look down at my clothes, debating on whether or not I should go change. Well it’s too late now; he’s already seen me looking like a mess. I shrug my shoulders. “I guess. I’ll warn you though—I don’t have very many movies, and the one’s I do have are full of love. So yeah.”
He smirks, stands, and walks over to our television looking at the dvd’s categorized next to it. “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
“Oh please! You had no idea! I could love horror films!” I walk over to him and glance over his shoulder trying to see what he’s looking at.
He shakes his head and grabs three movies from the shelf. “You’re too sweet to enjoy horror films. You’d never be able to get to sleep.”
Okay, that is true. When I saw Exorcism of Emily Rose with a couple of friends in high school, I had nightmares for a week straight. Still, when I think about Emily’s back bending in an impossible way and horrible voices ripping from her mouth, I cringe. It’s safe to say I will never see that movie again. Nope, won’t happen.
I stand on my tiptoes trying to see the three movies he chose. He holds them away, hiding the titles so I can’t see.
“Well what did you pick?” I throw my hands up, giving up on trying to see the titles over his wide shoulder.
He turns around holding the three movies in one hand and teases me, keeping them away from me. “Impatient are we?” he says and waves them in front and above me.
“Hey now. I may be short, but I’ll fight you for those.”
He laughs, “Alright tiger, I bet you would.” He smiles a sexy grin. His lip ring stands out as a dark gray against his white teeth. “Maybe another time. I wouldn’t mind seeing how you’d get these from me.” He raises an eyebrow. “Would it require you jumping on me?” He’s holding back laughter, but the sexy smile turns my legs to jello.
I narrow my eyes jokingly. “Don’t get your hopes up, buddy.” He chuckles. “Now tell me what movies you picked or else I’ll grab something else,” I say and cross my arms across my chest.
He hands each one to me as he names them, “Mr. & Mr. Smith, Knight and Day, and Butterfly Effect.”
“Butterfly Effect is not a romance,” I say while scrunching up my nose. I didn’t like that movie. It is Lauren’s, but I am not going to tell Colton that. She loves Ashton, and I can’t stand him.
“Yeah it is,” Colton says with a shockingly soft look on his face.
“How so?”
He looks at me holding the movie in my hands and begins, “He loves the girl so much that he has to make sure she never knows who he is—in order to save her. If that’s not love, then I don’t know what is,” he says seriously.
I reflect about it for a moment. I’m utterly shocked with Colton’s words. He seems to understand heartbreak and wanting something he can’t have. I want to know what he wishes he had. Maybe he doesn’t even realize he’s missing something? All I know is that I want to know this man. I want to know why he’s here after I upset him so much Sunday. I want to know why he harbors the resentment he does towards Lauren—it has to be more than their family’s’ history. I want to know why someone who has no interest in being in love or having a relationship with a woman can make the Butterfly Effect sound so romantic, sad, and heartbreaking. I almost want to watch it, because I think now I might look at it completely differently. I could ignore Ashton and just focus on the story. I could learn something about Colton. But I don’t want a depressing movie—not with Colton here. I really don’t want to cry or do something equally embarrassing like snot everywhere while crying.
“How about Mr. & Mrs. Smith?” I ask.
“Good choice.” He takes the DVDs from my hands, replaces the two we’re not watching back in their places, and then slides our movie into the player.
I grab my comforter, lay it on the floor, and then grab my three pillows and add them to the makeshift bed on the ground. I’ve always liked watching movies from the floor.
It had started when I was little and I’d wanted to be as close to the television as I could get in order to feel close to the characters in the movies.
Now I just do it because it is a habit. That, and it reminds me of laying out underneath the stars. I don’t notice Colton watching me until I finish setting up our places.
“What are you doing?” he asks, genuinely wanting the answer.
I giggle nervously. “Is this okay?” I ask. “I always watch movies on the ground; it’s a habit. I can put them back if you’d prefer, and we can sit in the chairs or on my bed or-” I ramble.
He shifts his weight from one leg to the other and grins at me. “You always surprise me. I should be used to it by now.” Then he looks at the ground and shakes his head, biting his lower lip. Only a small chuckle escaping, “The ground is fine,” he answers and sits in front of the left side of the television, nearest to the door.
I calculatedly sit down next to him. I’m close, but not too close. His arm and leg is a good three or four inches from me, yet I sense the heat from his body against mine. There’s an unsettling longing to scoot a few inches closer—enough to feel his bare skin of his arm against mine. I swallow hard, steeling my urge, and wrap my arms around myself tightly. I have to get a grip here. I can’t remember ever wanting to touch anyone so badly in my life. With the light turned off in my room and just the light of the television, casting shadows on the walls, overwhelming tension radiates between the two of us. I glance over at him through the side of my eye and see his arms are tensed as well; they are wrapped around his legs, holding his knees to his chest as he tries to pay attention to the movie.
I can’t be sure whether he feels the same tension as I do. I have no idea whether or not he’s wondering what his skin against mine would feel like, or if his lips would fit with mine as perfectly as I envision they would. How would that metal hoop feel against my mouth? If I kissed him right now, would he kiss me back? Would he kiss me until I couldn’t breathe and leave me gasping for air but begging him to never stop? I squeeze my eyelids together, begging the images in my mind to cease. I shouldn’t be thinking about him in this way. I just saw Sander Wednesday. I just told him today that I wanted to work on us. But I also told Sander we were on a break. No, no, no, Lilly. That does not make it okay to kiss Sander earlier this week and then to kiss Colton tonight. Why would I even consider doing that?! That’s just not something I would ever do. Or would I? I peek over at Colton again and know that if he kissed me, I would kiss him back and not think twice about it.
I sigh heavily, on accident, and Colton looks over at me and smiles a knowing smile. “Ya alright, Lilly?” He raises that damn eyebrow.
“Peachy,” I mumble and turn back to the movie.
If Colton knows how conflicted I am, how badly I wish he would taste my lips with his, then why hasn’t he kissed me? Clarissa made it sound like Colton seizes the opportunities he gets with women. She made it seem that Colton had been with multiple women and enjoyed doing that. So why won’t he kiss me if he knows I want to be kissed? Is he not attracted to me? Before I know it, I’m fuming. I’m angry, frustrated with both him and me. I want him to kiss me, but I also don’t want him to. I want him to want me, but know he’s just in this for friendship. I should just be in this for friendship! I’m trying to work things out with Sander! Why is this an issue? Why is it that when I close my eyes, Colton’s there. When I open them—he’s still there! He hasn’t left my mind since the moment I met him at that first party at his house, and I think he might always stay there.
Colton leans back and lies down on his back, his hands behind his head helping him to look up at the movie. He looks completely relaxed now. The tension that was in his arms just minutes ago is gone, but his bicep bulges out like a hard rock beneath his skin. His breathing is even and normal. That discovery just irritates me further. Here I am watching him as well as I can without him noticing—feeling feverish, heart pounding, body tens
e like a taut rubber band, and wanting nothing more than for him to grab me by the arm and pull me into him.
I take a deep, calming breath and join Colton. I lie down next to him, making sure to scoot a little closer than when we were sitting up, but still not touching. My left arm is at my side and my right hand supports my head. His fingers wrap around my right bicep and pull me against him, his mouth against my ear, his breath hot.
I think I stop breathing for I’m short of air. “I won’t bite,” he says with a hint of humor in his voice.
He places his right arm around my shoulders and pulls me in tighter into his side. Without even meaning to, I completely relax against him. My head is resting on his right shoulder, his arms resting against my pillow. He lightly brushes his fingers against my neck.
We both just lay there like this for the rest of the movie. I’m relaxed but I want more. I’m afraid of moving, for fear that he’ll pull away. Inwardly, I’m shaking my head and telling myself that having more isn’t possible, I allow myself to believe that maybe in a different life—Colton could be mine.
Colton stayed late that night, and Lauren never did show up. I was thankful for her absence, because the last thing I wanted was to have to deal with Lauren seeing Colton in our room. I can only imagine how she would have reacted to that! She’d go off on both of us and then call Sander… also something I didn’t want to happen.
After Colton left I couldn’t sleep. I laid in my bed looking up at the ceiling , seriously wishing I could cut out a hole and create a moon roof so that I could have a direct window to look up into the sky. I huff out a breath, wondering how in the world I ended up here. Just a month ago I wouldn’t have considered having another man in my life. Now, I can’t seem to stop the constant thought of Colton interfering with the plans that I had for my future. I couldn’t even lie to myself any more. I couldn’t just think that I was only thinking of Colton because of my problems with Sander. No, that wasn’t it. I was thinking of Colton because he was Colton. I should have known he was different the moment I saw him. I think maybe I did know; I just didn’t want to admit to myself that I could be this attracted to someone that wasn’t my boyfriend. But from the moment my eyes locked onto Colton, I was in a state of shock. I was stunned utterly with the craving to know him more. I had frozen in place at that party, standing and just watching this brilliant, brightly tattooed man laughing with his friends. I was mesmerized, unable to look away from him, and not wanting to look away.