Becoming More

by Lane, Bayli

  Then I realize what I must do. The best resolution is to give Sander this chance to prove to me that he wants me and will choose me over drugs and alcohol. A tentative smile crosses my lips. No more weird sexual attraction between Colton and me. That all stops now. If the tension gets to be too much, I’ll have to put some distance between us. I’ll have to learn to change the directions of my thoughts whenever they turn toward the tattooed, pierced, and deliciously talented singer. That should be easy enough, especially if I put all of my time and effort into Sander. It’s time to get my life back, and my life is with Sander.

  With a refreshed mind and a happier outlook on what I need to do, I drive away from my parent’s house. I stayed last night, but got up bright and early so that I could make it back to school and have time to meet up with Sander before doing my homework.

  I feel exhilarated with the will to put my all back into this relationship. Last night when I came to my conclusion of being with Sander, I realized that part of the reason our relationship took a dive off the deep end has something to do with me. I know I can’t control whether or not Sander does drugs or drinks, but I can control how much time I spend with him and how much time I spend with other people. I started to only hang out with my new friends and put Sander and Lauren on the backburner. That just gave Sander more time to experiment.

  I’m all but bouncing in my car as I make my way back to school. I can’t wait to see Lauren and Sander. I need my best friend back, and I need my boyfriend. Now that I have my priorities in check, I’m positive that Lauren and I will start getting along better again. She wasn’t accustomed to me having other friends besides her, and then for them to relate back to her past had to be hard on her.

  A sudden sadness seeps into me when I realize that Lauren has been in pain while I’ve been judging her for being so mean to my other friends. It’s not her fault that she was dealt a shitty hand when it came to parents. She needs my support, and I need to give it to her.

  When I arrive, I climb the steps to my room and toss the door open, hoping to find Lauren. She’s not there though. I frown, wondering where she’s been staying for the past few days. I grab my shower bag and head to the showers. I slip on my shower flip-flops, grab my towel and shampoo, and open a curtain to the empty stall.

  I wash my hair and scrub in conditioner. I start to shave my legs as I let the conditioner soak into my hair when I hear a few giggling girls come into the bathroom. I don’t recognize any of their voices, but I do recognize one name they keep repeating over and over again. Sander.

  “Can you believe how crazy Sander was last night!? Did you see him do like ten shots in a row!” says a girl with an irritatingly high-pitched voice.

  “I know! I would have blacked out or something. Maybe even got alcohol poisoning,” a girl with a slight huskiness to her voice replies.

  I lean against the wall in the shower as the water beats down on my back, the water beginning to chill just like my body has. I lean forward to listen closer.

  “Did you see that girl that was dancing with him? Total slut! She’s slept with all of the fraternity. She’s basically passed around!” another girl says.

  My face pales as a wave of nausea kicks in. I grab my stomach and lay my head on the cool tile wall.

  One of the girls makes a sound to show her disgust and then says, “Maybe he was just really drunk or the X was hitting him, but he would not stop making out with her! I mean right in front of everyone!”

  My eyes fill with tears, and I cover my mouth to keep the sob from breaking out. Sander made out with another girl! Are you kidding me!

  After I’m sure I won’t be sick, I move my hands down to my stomach and wrap my arms around my center. I thought he wanted me. I thought he said he would do anything to fix us. Desperation begins to set in, and all I want is to believe that these girls are talking about someone else, anyone else. But I heard them… they said Sander. The chance of there being another Sander is beyond slim. I think they are done speaking, but then the first girl with the high voice speaks.

  “It was gross to watch. Thank god he finally took her to one of the frat brother’s rooms. I thought they were about to just fuck on the dance floor.”

  Numbness spreads from my core to my fingertips. I’m distantly aware of tears mixing with the water from the shower. I’m aware of a slight pain in my chest. I notice shaking in my arms and hands, and ignore it. I lean back and rinse the conditioner out of my hair. It seems there is no reason for me to put my time into Sander anymore. He’s made his choice. He chose another woman. He chose another woman after he promised me he would win me back. The girls exit the bathroom as I towel off and get dressed.

  I go back to my room long enough to put a bit of make up on and to add some gel to my hair. Then I’m out and in my car, heading to a house off campus—a house that started a journey I never thought I’d be ready for, a house that has become a place of comfort, a safe haven from the world around me. Once again, I’m driving to the only place and to the only person that has brought me solace since I moved here.

  I make it there quickly, unaware of anything on the way. As I park, I note a few extra cars parked outside the house, but it doesn’t deter me. I continue on, not knowing what exactly I want or need from this visit, but knowing that this is where I have to go.

  I don’t bother knocking. I open the door and step inside. A small barbeque is taking place. A group of people standing to the right side near the hallway catches my attention.

  Colton. He’s talking with people I’ve seen but don’t know. I stand there and watch him as he engages in conversation. A small smile rests on his lips, his left hand in its pocket and the other hand holding a soda.

  I start walking to him. He looks up as I take my first step towards him.

  His smile only amplifies though I can see the shock in his eyes. His eyes widen and then crinkle on the sides. He says something to the group and starts walking toward me. I watch his jeans shift and his shirt pulls tight against his chest as he walks. The v-neck is low enough I can see the tattoo of the sky peeking through.

  We meet each other in the middle and just stand there looking at one another. Something has shifted between us; it’s thick in the air. When I meet his eyes I let out an audible sigh. His eyes are dark, pupils dilated, and he’s looking at me like he can feel the intense energy between us. I swear it could be cut with a knife.

  I’m not sure if it’s just between us, this connection, or if others around us can feel it, can sense it. I don’t care enough to look around. He shifts his eyes slightly and looks at my damp hair and then back to my eyes. His hazel eyes narrow slightly, not in an angry way, but in a way that says he wants to talk. I nod, giving him my permission. Colton runs his fingers down my arms until they reach my hand, where he tangles his fingers with mine and pulls me down the hallway and towards his room.

  I grasp at his hand, holding it tighter than necessary, but seeking the strength and warmth of his hold. Once we are in his room he shuts and locks it like he did that night when he picked me up from Sander’s dorm. The connection was there even then, but now it’s unbearable to overlook. He grabs my shoulders and holds me gently away from him so he can see my face.

  “What happened?” he asks and tucks a wet strand of hair behind my ear.

  That simple touch put a crack through the numbness that had washed over me when I heard that Sander cheated on me. I look down at his hand still lingering on my cheek and then look back into his eyes.

  “Sander cheated on me,” I say truthfully, and Colton’s eyes narrow. “For who knows how long and who with. It could have been dozens of girls, and I would have no idea.” The shaking returns to my arms but Colton tightens his hold on me and the shakes disappear.

  “How did you find out?” he asks and runs his finger across my lower lip where I was just biting it.

  “It doesn’t matter,” I say. I give him a small smile. “He cheated; that’s all I need to know.” I wrap my arms around
his mid-section and rest my head on his chest. I let out a heavy breath and allow my body to completely relax against his as he folds his arms around me and pulls me tighter. He embraces me, his chin resting on top of my head.

  “I was such an idiot,” I whisper into his shirt. “If he could choke me when he was high, why wouldn’t he sleep with other girls too? I already had a hard time accepting he could hurt me physically, but this...” I fist Colton’s shirt in my hand, “this feels even worse.”

  Colton grunts and then pulls back just enough that he can look at me. He’s only a breath away; I can almost feel his nose against mine. He takes my face in his hands and forces me to look into his piercing eyes.

  “Any man lucky enough to kiss you should treasure it. He should take that gift and lock it away so tightly that no other man can get anywhere near you. He should do everything in his power to make sure no one else gets to taste the sweetness of you.” My breath catches as his eyes shift down to my parted lips. “If you ever let me kiss you, I’d make sure you’d never want to kiss another man again. I’d make sure you’d never even think of another man again.” The right side of his lips quirk up in a sexy grin, “Babe, you won’t even remember your ex’s name.”

  I can’t breathe, can’t move, and can barely think. I stand perfectly still, thinking that I wouldn’t mind only knowing the feel of Colton’s lips on mine. I’d give anything to never think of Sander again. Colton watches my face the entire time, taking in my expression. I’m not sure what look I’m giving him, but I can only imagine it’s begging him to do everything he just said he could—press his mouth to mine, take away the numbness that has consumed me, make me forget Sander. Colton’s breath is coming out just as rapid as mine. His glance becomes even more heated. His lips have moved even closer, I can feel the tickle of his lip ring on my upper lip.

  “If I kiss you, things will change between us,” he promises.

  I don’t even think about what he just said, whatever it is… “I don’t care,” I say and then lift up on my tiptoes and meet him the rest of the way. I press my lips hard against his, aching for him.

  It only takes a split second for him to respond. His lips are now eager on mine, pushing back ferociously. He pulls back from me, looking at me with awe. Before I can say anything his lips are back onto mine. The silver hoop adds a new appeal to kissing. I open my mouth, silently begging him to enter; he does. His tongues slips between my lips and tangles together with mine. He sighs into my mouth and pushes me backward until my back crashes into the door.

  I knot my fingers into his hair and pull him even closer, deepening the kiss. I can’t think of anything else but this kiss, the feel of his calloused fingers as they slip under my shirt and go up my bare back, the smell of him; I’m enveloped in everything that is him. He presses his entire body against mine, I softly moan as his knee slips between my legs. His mouth departs from mine, and he starts kissing the side of my swollen bottom lip, my neck, the place behind my ear that weakens my knees, I have to grip his shoulders to keep from falling to the ground. He seems to sense my distress and chuckles into my ear as he gets a better hold of me. He grabs my thighs and hitches my legs around waist. His body holds me up against the wall so I don’t have to worry about my legs giving out.

  “You like being kissed here?” he asks and runs his tongue across the indentation behind my ear. Chills rise across my skin, and I sigh. He smiles against that spot and pecks the tender area one more time before moving on. He moves to the hollow of my neck and chest. He kisses there. “How about here?” he says, and I shift, pressing myself against his jeans. He pushes back eagerly. “I’m going to take my time, Lilly. I’m going to find every single place that makes your knees do that. I’ll find every naked piece of your skin that gives you the chills when I stroke it,” he pledges. “And then I’m going to drive you crazy with my touch. Do you understand? Every last inch of you will know the graze of my tongue and lips.”

  I look at him through hooded eyes and then grab his chin and force him to kiss me again. “I’m looking forward to it,” I say against his mouth. He smiles and carries me over to his bed and lays me down.

  He lies down on top of me, but holds himself on his elbows so that his entire weight isn’t resting on me. He starts kissing me voraciously. He shifts his weight to his left arm and runs his right hand down my stomach and then to my left leg. His fingers run underneath my bare knee. My leg jerks from the foreign sensation. It tickles, but not in laughing way—in a really hot way.

  “Hmmm…” he says into my neck and then gently runs his fingers against that crease again. I jerk a second time. “I think I found another spot.” He kisses my neck and moves his hand up my thigh until he reaches my jean shorts and then moves back down again. I lift my hips up wanting him to thrust his body against mine. He doesn’t. I rub my hands down his back and grab his t-shirt. He grabs the back neck of it and pulls it over his head and tosses it somewhere across the room. I run my fingers down his naked back and then up and across his chest. He drags my bottom lip between his teeth as he lifts me forward. I sit up just enough for him to grab the end of my shirt and pluck it up and off.

  I’m thankful I put on a sexy, black bra before coming here. I didn’t realize this was going to happen, but as his hand runs across my stomach and his lips move down and kiss in between my breasts, I couldn’t care less that I hadn’t had this in mind. My back curves up to meet each touch of his lips on my heated skin.

  The feel of Colton’s skin on mine is more than I ever imagined it would be. God, it’s so much more. I should have known that the sexual attraction between us was so alluring for a reason, but this is unbelievable. It’s like he knows my body better than I do. I’ve never reacted this way before; it’s surreal. I’m afraid it’s going to end, and I’m not ready to feel the lack of Colton against me. Instead, I want more. I reach down and grab at the button on his jeans. He stills on top of me and pulls away from my face. He looks into my eyes and then shakes his head.

  “Not today, babe,” he says fiercely and reaches for my hand and pins it above my head. Okay, not what I was going for, but this is pretty nice too.

  “Why not?” I whisper against his neck and then press my lips to his pulse.

  “I told you earlier. I’m going to take my time with you. I want to get to know your body, slowly.” He grabs my hand and pins it alongside my other. His lips meet mine again in a tantalizing but leisurely tempo. I nibble at his bottom lip and draw the metal ring into my mouth, flicking my tongue across the warm metal.

  He moans into my mouth as I let go of the ring. He starts nibbling on my lower lip, pulling it and teasing it with his teeth. “Please,” I beg and push my body against his.

  He smiles and places a peck on my lips. “As hot as it is that you want it, not tonight,” he says with ardor and then pulls me up. I sit up, and he sits across from me. He runs his hand along my neck and down my chest, grips my hips, and pulls me onto his lap.

  “You have no idea how long I’ve been wanting to kiss you,” he says sincerely and bites my shoulder.

  I throw my head back while his lips skim the skin to my chin. “Me too,” I reply roughly. I didn’t even know my voice could sound like that; I’m so out of breath.

  “It exceeded my expectations,” he says against my skin.

  I giggle. “It sure as hell did,” I say.

  He chuckles and then places me back on the bed. He stands up and grabs my shirt and his. “Why don’t we join our friends, have a little fun, and then continue this later?” he asks.

  “I thought we were having fun,” I tease.

  Laughing, we both put our shirts on. “Oh we were. I know everyone is going to be wondering where we are though.”

  I shake my head. “They didn’t even know I was coming tonight.”

  He raises an eyebrow. “You didn’t see them watching us when we went down the hallway?”

  My eyebrows furrow. “No. You did?”

  “I bumped into some
kid and looked back and saw a few of them watching us come back here,” he says.

  “Well then they probably know exactly where we are,” I say.

  “You’re being incredibly difficult,” Colton says and smiles at me. “I’m trying to do the right thing here. If we stay in here, I won’t be able to stop what is bound to happen.”

  His words make my cheeks pink, and I grin up at him. At least I know he wants to do it as much as I do. I know he’s right though; there isn’t any reason to rush into it. We can just take our time and have fun. I nod at him, “Alright, fine. Let’s head out to the interrogation.”

  “Ah, yes. I’m sure we will be hounded. Oh well.” He puts his arm around my waist and pulls me towards and then out of his bedroom door.

  Colton was right. Our friends definitely noticed us going back to his room. They may have even watched the clock to see just how long we were in there together. It has been long enough that my hair has dried completely, which usually takes at least a half an hour. My lips are also pleasantly swollen and tender, though, I’m not sure how many minutes it takes to kiss until my mouth is sore. My telling of time is limited to clockwork. I can’t tell time based off of some human nature instinct. It could be nine in the morning and I would guess it’s three in the afternoon.

  The questions aren’t verbal from our friends but, oh lord, I can tell a couple of them are biting their tongues trying to keep from barraging us with an onslaught of inquisition. Clarissa’s pretty blues are widened and she has a knowing, huge smile on her face. I even gave her a small cheshire grin that almost makes her explode into a bouncing, giddy child. She really needs to relax; she is beginning to stress me out. Then there’s Oliver. Instead of looking happy, like Clarissa does, he glares at Colton—which shocks the heck out of me since they are best friends. I can’t help but wonder what he is thinking.