Becoming More

by Lane, Bayli

  By the time I make it to the door and have a big red “x” marked on my hand, letting everyone know I’m too young for alcohol, Colton is on the stage. He hasn’t started singing yet, but he’s talking.

  The sound of his voice warms my body. The husky, low, smooth sound runs across my skin as if he were touching me. But his words make my heart ache in an incredibly painful way. With his words, I know that coming here is a mistake. I was wrong. He isn’t going to forgive me.

  “I have some covers I’m going to play tonight. I hope ya’ll don’t mind,” he speaks through the mic. People are cheering and whistling, holding their beers in the air.

  Girls around me are commenting about how sexy this guy’s voice is when he sings, and how they hope he sings their favorite songs. They want to try and get back stage when he’s done and show them just how sexy he really is. I roll my eyes and walk a little closer but hide behind bigger guys to keep Colton from seeing me.

  “The first song is called ‘Lines Full of Lies and Tragedies’ by Upon Beauty Rests. I’m sure most of you have heard it before,” he says even lower.

  My breath hitches in my throat. I know that song, and it isn’t exactly the most romantic. I’m trying to run the lyrics through my head to figure out what he’s trying to say, but I can’t recall most of the words. I’m stunned, worried, and afraid that the words are going to tear me into pieces, and I’ll be forced to pick them up without his help.

  “There’s this girl…” he starts.

  The girls in the bar almost melt while the men nod their heads, angry that their friend up on the stage had to deal with a crazy bitch that hurt him. I hear some yelling, “Fuck her,” and other girls yelling, “I’ll mend your heart!”

  He gives a small smile that quirks up on the right side, revealing his dimple.

  “Well this girl broke my fucking heart,” he continues and runs his hand over his face with frustration.

  I just watch him as he shares his pain. The entire bar has silenced, waiting for him to continue.

  “She made me fall for her, and I was stupid enough to let myself. She’s fucking incredible, but she doesn’t want me. I can’t believe I let myself believe that there was ever going to be an ‘us.’ I mean that’s all just bullshit, right?” He doesn’t give the audience time to respond, “Anyway, she punched her pretty little hand into my chest and ripped my heart out and slammed it to the ground, and stomped on it for good measure.” He shakes his head, realizing he had just said all of that out loud. “And now I’m being a little pussy and telling ya’ll that. Someone beat the shit outa me after I sing this okay? Make me feel like a man again.”

  The crowd laughs and cheers. I’m having trouble breathing, and tears are welling up in my eyes. Two girls bump into me trying to get closer to the front and glare at me as if I was the one to run into them. I glare back, shaking from being so upset.

  I never meant to hurt him, and I really never meant to break his heart. The way he is talking makes it sound like I did it all on purpose and like I wasn’t hurting too. I am hurting. God, I’m hurting. I want him. But how do I choose between my past and making room for the future when my past has such a death grip on me that it pulls me back whenever I start to take a few steps forward?

  I turn to leave as Colton begins to sing the haunting lyrics about heartbreaks and tragedies. By the time I make it to the door, I’ve had my ass slapped, drinks spilled on me, and I’ve seen too many women staring at the man I was lucky enough to have and stupid enough to throw away. I step to the door as Colton’s singing turns to screaming with thunderous drums beating in the background. As Colton yells into the mic, Oliver joins him and adds more hollering. Colton switches to singing easily with no strain in his voice and sings about not being able to breathe and about broken promises. Yeah, I can relate.

  I leave in a hurry, rushing out of the bar and knowing exactly what I need to do. Watching Colton tonight was enough to finally knock some sense into me. Why have I been acting like this?! Suddenly it’s clear to me exactly what I need to do. I know exactly who I want to be with, and I know that starting tomorrow I’m going to work my hardest at mending that relationship to the best of my ability. No more fucking around, dating two people at the same time. What’s the point in doing that when I’m only truly happy with one of those people? Just because I’m scared? Well, I’m tired of being scared; I’m sick of running away because something is difficult or because it’s different from what I’m used to.

  If anything, these last few weeks have granted me the time I needed to sit and think about what I want and what is best for me. I hadn’t realized that the agonizing knot in my stomach and crying myself to sleep would actually be therapeutic. When Colton caught me with Sander, I thought my world was over. It felt like it. The events ran through my head every night: Sander hitting me, Colton learning that I couldn’t make a choice, Colton telling me he was done, Sander apologizing, Lauren never contacting me even though I stopped Sander from hurting her any further.

  Now, I can’t even recognize my life anymore, and I’m finished with it. I’m ready to take back control. Being an adult isn’t easy. Having the freedom to make my own choices doesn’t always seem like the blessing that I thought it would be. Yet, through that freedom, through college, I have met some of the best people anyone could ask for. This has not only been one of the worst years of my life, but also one of best. It’s contradictory, just like the rest of the things in my life.

  I laugh to myself as I enter my room and look in the mirror. Tomorrow, everything is going to change. I’m going to put myself out there and just hope to God that everything works out in the best way it can. As I stand in front of the mirror, I imagine myself giving a speech to some unknown audience: In this life, not everyone gets second chances. Sometimes when something bad happens, it knocks us straight on our asses and no one is there to help us back up. Sometimes you get the shit end of the stick and just have to deal with it. Well here is hoping that someone would give me that second chance, that someone is willing to help me back up, and that he takes that shitty stick and tosses it into the past. It’s all I can do—hope, because I can’t imagine not having him in my life. I can’t take it.

  I didn’t sleep well last night. I tossed and turned, knowing that today was the day… the day my life is going to change. It reminds me of when I was a kid and it was Christmas Eve. My parents told me if I didn’t go to bed, then Santa wouldn’t come by and drop off my gifts and eat his cookies. Well how the heck is a kid supposed to sleep when she knows Santa’s coming over? It’s impossible! I ended up staying all night with my eyes closed, pretending that I was sleeping just so I could try and catch Santa and maybe even see a couple of his reindeer.

  Yeah, that was me last night. Sleep was just not going to happen.

  Even without sleep, I’m awake and alert. I know exactly what needs to be done today, and then I’ll have to start scrutinizing my next plan of action for the coming weeks. Trying to prove to someone that he should forgive you takes time, and I plan on giving him all the time he needs.

  I wait all day and halfway through the night until I realize I’m stalling. I begin to fidget in my room. I just can’t sit here anymore. What am I doing? He’ll understand. We’ll be friends. I have to do this now. Right now, before I lose the confidence to say what I need to say.

  It’s pitch black outside as I begin making my way to Sander’s dorm. I’ve gone through a multitude of ways to say that I want us to be friends, but that I just don’t think we are meant to be together anymore. God, how do I say that to the man that I’ve been with for well over four years now?! There is no pretty way to say it. There’s no way that’s going to soften the blow—it’s going to hurt. I imagine Sander being confused at first and then quickly becoming angry. I see his eyes narrowing, and then finally I see him telling me we can work it out—that we’ll be okay. In the past I would agree with him. In fact over a month ago I told him I could get over all the bullshit. Maybe I could’ve
… maybe I would’ve if I hadn’t met Colton. But Colton is a game changer.

  It’s the bottom of ninth inning and Colton’s up to bat with one of his players standing on second base. Colton swings and the bat slams into the ball with a loud crack, sending it flying. It’s not a homerun, but it’s just enough to get his teammate home and that’s what wins the game. Colton is that guy in my life. I was just standing there on second base, thinking it was good enough. But, it wasn’t. I wasn’t home until Colton stepped up and took that swing, and when he did, he brought me home and straight into his arms.

  I make it to Sander’s dorm and run up the stairs, wanting to get this conversation over with so that I can start planning how to win Colton back.

  I take a deep breath and crack my neck outside of his door. I almost knock, but then decide to just give the door a try. It’s unlocked. I push the door open. A small light is on by Sander’s desk, but that doesn’t really matter. What matters are the breathing sounds coming from his bed. I walk over and turn towards his small, twin size mattress and my mouth drops.

  There she is in all her naked glory—her blonde hair spills forward curtaining her face and his. Her back arches forward and her hips grind. Sander’s grunting and moaning. My eyes are completely glued on them. I should look away; it’s perverse that I’m just standing here watching my best friend Lauren fuck my long-time boyfriend.

  I’m shaking but numb. My jaw is working, but my vocal chords seem to be stuck. After minutes or hours of watching them, they both jump and turn towards me. It’s then that I realize I screamed. I wrap my left hand around my throat and just stare at them.

  Friendship. This. These people are whom I considered my best friends. You have seriously got to be shitting me. I start shaking my head furiously. I can’t believe this is real and not a horrible nightmare.

  “Lilly!” Sander yells. He’s been calling my name nonstop, but I was too stuck in my own state of shock.

  “What?” I begin… “What the fuck!”

  “I can explain…” Sander begins.

  I look over at Lauren’s smug face and my eyes narrow. “Why?” I whisper to her.

  She laughs, “Hey, the way I see it… You always have gotten what you wanted. Everything was handed to Lilly on a silver platter.” She stops and stands up from Sander’s bed, completely nude. “You had your family. You had Sander. You even got Colton. I bet you just loved rubbing him in my face didn’t you? Shoving my mom’s mistake right in my face. Yeah, you probably got off on that didn’t you, Lilly?”

  “What are you talking about?!” I bite out.

  “You have everything!” her voice rises at the end. Her eyes are crazed. “Well now you don’t; now I have Sander,” she says and grips Sander’s arm like he’s her trophy. “He has been for months now.”

  “Shut up you stupid bitch!” Sander yells and tears his arms away from her grasp. “Lilly, I fucked up baby! I’m sorry.” He stands and grabs his jeans, trying to pull them up quickly. “This doesn’t mean anything. She doesn’t mean anything.”

  A callous smile forms on my face, “I came over here to tell you I was done. I’m in love with someone else.” I pause and wait for his reaction. His face turns to stone.

  “Who?!” he asks angrily.

  “It’s Colton! I knew it!” Lauren says.

  “Who’s fucking Colton?!” Sander asks, clearly frustrated.

  “It doesn’t matter,” I continue. “You don’t matter.” I point to him and then shift and point to Lauren. “And you really don’t fucking matter,” I laugh. “I can’t believe I was going to try and be your friend after everything you’ve put me through. You really are a piece of shit, you know that?” I say, not wanting a response. He will never change my mind. He’s no longer the Sander I fell in love with; he’s a monster. Lauren can have him.

  Sander’s pants are only pulled up to his knees as I turn and head back out the door. I hear Sander yelling for me so I start running outside. I’ve seen what Sander does when he’s angry, and I just recently healed from the latest bruising of my eye. As soon as I make it outside I feel the rapid droplets of rain falling onto my skin and soaking through my shirt. It’s storming, hard. Lightning is brightening the sky and thunder is roaring through the air.

  I don’t stop. I run faster and faster. It’s almost one thirty in the morning, and I’m running over to Colton’s house. I can’t believe it took me this long to make this decision. I can’t believe it took watching Sander fuck my best friend to open my eyes, to finally see that neither of them had a place in my life except in the past. I know I was going to break up with Sander. In fact, I had gone over to his dorm room to see if we could somehow remain friends. When I walked in on Lauren’s naked backside on top of Sander, I was completely finished.

  I don’t want anything to do with Sander ever again. I don’t want his love, and I don’t want his friendship. Lauren can shove our friendship up her ass too. Fuck it.

  I don’t turn around or look behind me. I’m through with living in the past. Instead, I trek across campus in the pouring rain, hoping it’s not too late for Colton and me. All my thoughts and plans are out the window. I need to tell him how I feel right now. When I finally reach his door, I’m soaked. My thin, light blue shirt is sticking to my body, and I can see my black bra through the chest. My jeans are no longer a light blue but a dark denim color. My hair is sticking to my neck and face, and water droplets are falling into my eyes. It doesn’t matter. I run up the driveway and bang on Colton’s door.

  I hear a few choice curse words come from the other side of the door.

  “There better be a good fuckin’ reason I’m being woken up!” he yells to the door. I bang even harder.

  “God damn it!” he exclaims and jerks the door open; “Wha-” he pauses and his eyes roam over my body. His hazel eyes darken when he looks at my chest and then he meets my eyes.

  “Hey,” I whisper, out of breath from running all the way here and because of the decision I have made.

  “Are you alright?” he asks and I see anger seeping into his eyes and his muscles tense.

  “Yes. No…” I shake my head freeing the confusion. “Both I guess.”

  He steps back and I finally take in what he’s wearing. Boxer briefs. I let my eyes absorb every inch of him. I step forward and run my hands down his arm that is covered in a sleeve of tattoos, and then I move them to his chest, running my fingertips over the dragon breathing fire across his pecks. The blazes turn into a mosaic of the sky. My finger climbs to a large, bright star near his heart. I let my hands roam a little lower, down his stomach. His breath catches, but he doesn’t stop me. I look up into his eyes. God… All I see is desire dripping from him. Reaching up I touch his lip ring and smile.

  He grabs my hand gently and kisses my palm, “Baby, what’s going on?” he asks huskily.

  “I can’t do this anymore,” I whisper the words he said to me that night when he left me.

  “Do, what?” He runs his fingers along my jaw.

  “I can’t pretend we’re only friends. I can’t pretend this isn’t something,” I gesture between us.

  “Tell me what happened,” he says, wiping a raindrop from my cheek.

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  “Yes, babe, it does.” He widens the door and pulls me in. He closes the door and walks down the hallway into his room. I follow him every step of the way. “Only Chris is here tonight, and he can sleep through anything. So he probably didn’t even hear you come in. Just to be safe, let’s talk in my room.”

  I didn’t even consider that the guys might be home and have to witness me try to mend my relationship with Colton—if he even wants a relationship with me. I walk into his room and stand by his bed.

  He stays on the other side of the room and leans on his door. My eyes keep roaming the length of him. I drink him in. It’s been weeks since I’ve been this close to him. Even at the bar he wasn’t this close. Not to mention I’ve never seen this much of his body befor
e. I thought the worn jeans he usually has on showcased his ass in the best of ways. I was wrong. Colton wearing only boxer briefs—much better.

  His eyebrows are drawn together with either confusion or thought. I know he can’t possibly know why I’m showing up at his house this late in the night. His thoughts are probably running through every single possibility. He sucks on his lip ring, waiting for me to say something.

  He doesn’t know that I can’t stay away from him. I’ve tried. I’ve tried to put my friendship with Lauren ahead of whatever-this-is going on between Colton and me. I’ve tried to love Sander the way I thought I did in high school. God, I tried to completely wash any thought of Colton from my mind. But I can’t.

  He’s always in my head with the way he glances at me from the corners of his eyes when he thinks I’m not looking, with the way his smile makes my heart beat in double time, with the fact that he can make me laugh harder than anyone else can. He was there when I cried over another guy. He was my best friend. He has been there more than Lauren ever was.

  And when he touches me, my heart flutters trying to tell me he’s the one for me. My body reacts to him as if he’s the air that I need to breathe. Sander was a polluted, toxin-filled gulp of air that was slowly wearing and killing me. Colton is the purest of oxygen that helps heal my diseased stricken lungs.

  He’s what I need and what I want. I want him more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life. And tonight I’m done pushing him away, and I pray it isn’t too late for us, that he hasn’t given up on me yet.